Dipping my toes in the leaving forum pool

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's time to start spending some time here.  I'm still undecided, but before I was leaning toward staying.  Not anymore.

Just got a second diagnosis of a PD about my wife.  That makes the score 2 MCs: 2 PD diagnoses (one BPD, the other "undefined".

To compound matters, my wife is actively seeking a legal separation (in CA: a divorce without the ability to remarry) all while claiming she wants to continue working on our marriage.  She's doing this to "clarify our finances" and swears it is not out of malice, but doesn't see the risk in leaving our financial health and custody up to an arbitrator or judge.  She doesn't see how this action will be contentious by nature.

I decided a long time ago that I don't have it in me to stay with someone with a PD.  I only held out hope she would figure it out on her own, but while I knew long ago the reality is that she may not, over the last several months that reality is truly sinking in.  I think I'm done waiting.  My patience is spent.

Looking forward to learning a lot from this forum's members.

[HopefulDad]

It's time to start spending some time here.  I'm still undecided, but before I was leaning toward staying.  Not anymore.

Just got a second diagnosis of a PD about my wife.  That makes the score 2 MCs: 2 PD diagnoses (one BPD, the other "undefined".

To compound matters, my wife is actively seeking a legal separation (in CA: a divorce without the ability to remarry) all while claiming she wants to continue working on our marriage.  She's doing this to "clarify our finances" and swears it is not out of malice, but doesn't see the risk in leaving our financial health and custody up to an arbitrator or judge.  She doesn't see how this action will be contentious by nature.

I decided a long time ago that I don't have it in me to stay with someone with a PD.  I only held out hope she would figure it out on her own, but while I knew long ago the reality is that she may not, over the last several months that reality is truly sinking in.  I think I'm done waiting.  My patience is spent.

Looking forward to learning a lot from this forum's members.

[Blimblam]

I'm sorry you are coming to these realizations it I extremely hard to face and go through. 

[Aussie JJ]

Go to the book section, get Bill Eddys book about divorcing someone with BPD or BPD. 

Read it read it and then re read it.  It will save yoy, I wish I had it earlier. 

[HopefulDad]

Go to the book section, get Bill Eddys book about divorcing someone with BPD or BPD. 

Read it read it and then re read it.  It will save yoy, I wish I had it earlier. 

Thanks.  I've never been divorced so I'll need all the advice I can get, especially advice about BPD divorces.

[HopefulDad]

I'm sorry you are coming to these realizations it I extremely hard to face and go through. 

Thanks.  I love your sig.

[HopefulDad]

Go to the book section, get Bill Eddys book about divorcing someone with BPD or BPD. 

Read it read it and then re read it.  It will save yoy, I wish I had it earlier. 

Just ordered it.  Not happy at all about doing that, but it's probably prudent.

[Aussie JJ]

Hopeful,

I spent 3 years without any knowledge of the disorder.  It effected everything about our relationship, I was determined to work through those problems when I found out.  I was so damaged from it that I kept persisting when it was lost.  Nothing could stop my resolve to help, heal and in essence resucue/save my exBPD gf. 

The disorder always wins.  The only person who can overcome it is the person suffering it. 

I am now prepared for a long drawn out horrible legal battle.  I don't want this however know it wont be any different as the disorder always wins. 

I am sorry this is my reality.  I hope having some knowledge before you start you are more prepared than I was. 

[MommaBear]

The above posts are very helpful.

Arm yourself with knowledge, and make sure your lawyer knows about this d/o as well.

My lawyer didn't know much about it, but the more he learns, the more he can adapt our strategy accordingly. It's a massive help.

This sounds horrible and paranoid, but start logging things. Dates, times, emails, text messages, whatever you can. BPD is difficult to prove and you have to assume you'll get a judge that doesn't know a thing about it. It's your job to prove that she's unstable. Start collecting evidence now. If she has your passwords, change them. Treat this situation with the paranoia and pessimism it deserves, because from what I've read and in my own experience, it can take a nosedive very, VERY quickly.

My ex got a diagnosis, and denies it. Claims he only said he was diagnosed because he "would have said anything" to make our marriage work. The MC saw it in him, and so have other Ts. He finally got a legit diagnosis, and now lies about it placing the burden of proof on me.

Trust me when I tell you, this d/o can get ugly very, VERY quickly when abandonment get "real".

But on another note, these boards will help you a ton. No one here will judge you, and we've all been where you are. You can have the benefit of learning from our mistakes.

[Hope0807]

Welcome, HopefulDad!  I love your sig too.  Sounds like you have played the tug of war with all of your might and heart.  Rest, recharge, and ready yourself to make decisions on a path to patching your soul back together. 

[HopefulDad]

The above posts are very helpful.

Arm yourself with knowledge, and make sure your lawyer knows about this d/o as well.

My lawyer didn't know much about it, but the more he learns, the more he can adapt our strategy accordingly. It's a massive help.

This sounds horrible and paranoid, but start logging things. Dates, times, emails, text messages, whatever you can. BPD is difficult to prove and you have to assume you'll get a judge that doesn't know a thing about it. It's your job to prove that she's unstable. Start collecting evidence now. If she has your passwords, change them. Treat this situation with the paranoia and pessimism it deserves, because from what I've read and in my own experience, it can take a nosedive very, VERY quickly.

My ex got a diagnosis, and denies it. Claims he only said he was diagnosed because he "would have said anything" to make our marriage work. The MC saw it in him, and so have other Ts. He finally got a legit diagnosis, and now lies about it placing the burden of proof on me.

Trust me when I tell you, this d/o can get ugly very, VERY quickly when abandonment get "real".

But on another note, these boards will help you a ton. No one here will judge you, and we've all been where you are. You can have the benefit of learning from our mistakes.

Thanks for the advice.  It's so sad that such advice is so cynical, but it's rooted in truth.  My wife has fortunately done much of the logging herself as I have a long history of emails and texts saved that show her PD colors.  I've jotted down a few notes here and there about her verbal outbursts.

I have a lawyer who doubles as a financial planner and can weigh the tradeoffs of giving a little more now to get more later.  I don't know his experience in dealing with PD so I hope he's up for the challenge there.

[HopefulDad]

Hopeful,

I spent 3 years without any knowledge of the disorder.  It effected everything about our relationship, I was determined to work through those problems when I found out.  I was so damaged from it that I kept persisting when it was lost.  Nothing could stop my resolve to help, heal and in essence resucue/save my exBPD gf. 

The disorder always wins.  The only person who can overcome it is the person suffering it. 

I am now prepared for a long drawn out horrible legal battle.  I don't want this however know it wont be any different as the disorder always wins. 

I am sorry this is my reality.  I hope having some knowledge before you start you are more prepared than I was. 

Be strong and find strength in the others who came out on the other side in a better place.  Best quote I've seen about divorce: "She took half my stuff.  Best money ever spent."

[HopefulDad]

Welcome, HopefulDad!  I love your sig too.  Sounds like you have played the tug of war with all of your might and heart.  Rest, recharge, and ready yourself to make decisions on a path to patching your soul back together. 

Thanks for the warm welcome.  I'm definitely done playing the tug of war.  I feel fine, but I suspect my soul does need a lot of patching even if I cannot see it right now.