What Makes You Stay?

[withoutapaddle]

Hi,

Just a brief summary of my situation.

uBPDgf. 10 years. She moved all of her stuff out in March. We agreed to a 3 month separation to work on ourselves and become healthier. Nothing with her changed. In fact she seemed to become more vile, a whole new person that I have never seen. We both agreed to be done. However she tells me she feels guilty for leaving, and that she is now or is going to speak with a T about the issues I had with her (at the time I didnt know of BPD). I still want(ed) to be with her.

There is still this constant pushing/ pulling. Ive been split black. Anything I say she has a rebuttal for. Her new thing is that we just want different things out of life (mainly marriage and kids), some of it is just childish (having to like her family, her "friends" etc. The bottom line is we do want the same things but its this wall she has put up, this blanket easy excuse.

My questions to those of you that have decided to stay in the relationship with your BPD is why?


It seems as though a BPD relationship is one sided. For me personally I cant stand to rarely be understood by the person who I loved and took in everything thing that she said. To do the things that she asked (but it was rarely ever enough).

How do you cope?

Is it something from your childhood FOO? (In my case I had a father that I could rarely meet his "standards" which my T and I agreed played out in this relationship)

How can you stand to be berated if there is no effort on your SOBPD part?

-To listen

-To understand

-To see your point of view (although they dont have to agree)

For me personally if I knew she was actively working on the issue and finally came to terms that there was a problem (thats another story) I would be able to cope with it, because I do love her.

Thank you for your time and thoughts!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Here is a related thread

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227714.0

It is a good question, and comes up regularly. Without the soul searching to find the answer it is hard to find the committment to continue

[withoutapaddle]

Thank you!

[formflier]

Here is a related thread

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227714.0

It is a good question, and comes up regularly. Without the soul searching to find the answer it is hard to find the committment to continue

Yes... .soul searching is the answer to figure out what you want.

Education about the traits of BPD and the r/s dynamics will then allow you to make a  wise choice about is what you want possible.

I see those as two totally different trains of thought.

So... .if you love her and want a r/s... .you need to educate yourself along those lines.  You have to be wise enough to know that even your best efforts may not be enough to change her choices. 

Even in your current situation... .my gut says there is a dynamic that could change... .if you change. 

Now... more to your questions of why:

For me... .for better or worse means something.  If I didn't lay it all on the line to uphold a vow I made... .I would be violating a big personal value for me.

I've also got kids with her... .there is a family to consider.

During the good times... .she is fantastic.  Never met anyone close to her... .there is hope.

And most recently... .and good for me and the future... .I stay and make changes because she is making changes. Momentum is going in the right direction.

I'll finish off by going back to soul searching.  Be deliberate about this... .don't rush it.  Making a clear decision about what you want will be empowering.