What I am reclaiming.

[Aussie JJ]

There has been a lot of talk about the emotional things we are going though.  It is very painful and at times can be overwhelming. 

I wanted to talk about some changes I have made and see what other people have also done.  This is again personal however it is important for me to recognise that I am allowed to do my things and not be dictated by her needs. 

I have mentioned to people to go for a walk, some have said watch action movies.  What little thing that you gave up on have you made a positive experience again just for you. 

BE SELFISH HERE PEOPLE.  For me well, this is like a mini gratitude list.  I have so many things emotionally however the small things in real life at a specific time I am getting joy from again. 

1) What hobby have you reclaimed that you had to give up during the relationship ?   Material thing... .

2) What have you done as part of you re-invention of yourself?  This is more broad, something compleatly new that you wouldn't have done previously. 

[Aussie JJ]

1)

Reading.  I used to read so much mostly fiction.  Now it is a bit dryer however I have started throwing in fiction again and really enjoying it.  I spent 5 hours sitting at the beach the other day in my suit after work reading a book.  Looked like a fool but I was so happy!

2)

Down time.  I have never been a very slow person.  I have always gone from one job straight to the next and kept moving in my work life.  I now give myself down time to do nothing!  I actually care a lot less about finances and just let it be.  For example today got all my work done in 45 minutes, all the critical tasks for the week finished.  I have done me things for 7 hours today at work and not gone and created more work for myself.  Allowed myself to have down time.  This is so foreign to me but so liberating not taking on others work loads. 

[Blimblam]

not feeling ashamed to do nothing and be a slob.  I am not proud of how low I have fallen but just accepting it in defeat has probably been the most healing thing I have done beside coming on here.

also accepting where I am at in my journey... which has been incredibly hard.  As I have been pretty self centered and completely self absorbed for quite some time and it is not how I like to think of myself or act.

being true to myself in creating the space I need for myself to heal whatever that may be.

[AwakenedOne]

1) Guitar. Playing guitar again has probably been the most helpful thing for me. I have spent many hours playing guitar and advancing my skills. This helped me the most right after the breakup. Escape, relaxation, challenging, a work out and fun is what the guitar is to me. I like all forms of comedy too, very helpful for a happy escape break.

2) I can say I have stopped worrying as much as I used to about things. Being married to her was a constant worry about everything. Life is hard but I am trying now to be a "one day at a time non worrying everything will be ok in the end" type of person.

[MommaBear]

Going back to the gym, lifting weights and running. Missed those things so much, I don't even have words for them. I'm already training for a big event!

Going to bed early / down time. I never, EVER had down time with my xhwBPD. Just to go to bed at 9pm, and not stay up to worry about the house, the dishes, my research (so badly neglected because of all his incessant needs and craziness), laundry, unpaid bills, our budget, or some other crisis he was having that only existed in his head (he'd often obsess about a conversation with this boss, for instance, then stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning wanting to dissect every word, every pitch, tone, body movement, etc ... .or play video games to forget his troubles). So, SO NICE not to have to deal with his paranoia, his revolving door of jobs, his analysis of every conversation (like he was trying to crack the DaVinci code or something), and to just SLEEP. Blissful, elegant, simple SLEEP. It's WONDERFUL!

I swear, I re-read this and I think ... .it's like being a POW in some ways, you know? Sleep deprivation, gaslighting, abuse ... .how on earth did I end up there?

[Ihope2]

A peaceful atmosphere in the home.  An absence of chaos and drama. Just peace.

Even my cats feel it, they are back to their happy, calm ways.  They must have picked up on so much when by BPDexh was still living with me.

Animals are the first to pick up on distress and tension in the air.

Coupled with this, I have reclaimed my own peace of mind.  I am finding a new sense of calm, day by day. Some days are better, other days not.  But, it is a blessing not to have to be in worry and anxiety mode 100% of the time.  It is a blessing to arrive home after a day at the office, not having to anticipate whatever distress, chaos and drama is awaiting me at home... .

[Ventus2ct]

My sanity, more important than anything else! Self respect. My dog is also much more chilled out too now the house is stable, routine, enjoyable, animals I find are such a good judge of character, they know even when we don't, they see when we can't, they sense what we don't!

I have done a lot more walking around the farm (she said it was boring!) see nature at it's best, I find it is the most powerful thing, i have problems/thoughts, go for a walk and watch the young Roe Deer playing with their mothers (they are only a few months old) brings an inner calm to me.

Going out with friends without a worry, not done much flying of late but time limited as harvest has started here.

So much to do and so little time, am going to start dating again, just dating, don't plan on any relationship yet as am aware still work to do.

[Popcorn71]

1)  I've bought another house to renovate.  It's something I wanted to do but he wouldn't as he didn't want the work or a mortgage.  (Funny how he now has both!)  Anyway, it's something I am interested in and now can do it as many times as I want!

2)  I have taken pride in my appearance again.  I've lost 28lbs and changed my hairstyle.  It's great to get compliments again.  In turn, this has boosted my confidence and self esteem and I am back to the bubbly, happy woman I was 10 years ago before I met him, instead of the fat, depressed, frump I became when I was with him.

Also, I have reclaimed time to myself.  I now have time to spend doing things I enjoy, instead of spending all my free time with him, doing what he wanted to do.

[Tincup]

1.  A sport that I used to play when I was younger... am I am da@n good at it!

2.  I am learning to set boundaries, not worry as much, and put myself first more often.

[Blimblam]

What you experienced throughout the relationship was your own self reflected back at you.  She was just a mirror you projected your own pride or fantasy onto her. Her experience was radically different than yours you were just a distraction to her.  What you were really bonding to was the idealized version of yourself you saw in her eyes that's why she felt like your soulmate.  All those moments where you soothed her activated your vulnerable narcissism and you felt an sense of pride when she was soothed conditioning you to maintain the fantasy. The illusion is that she the object you identify as the projection of your self is one and the same. You are not letting go of her she is already gone. You are reclaiming the part of yourself you think you lost wen you lost the object. You can already feel that part of yourself and it feels like a gaping hole in your chest you never lost that part of yourself though that is the illusion that is so painfull. Realizing all you thought was her was really you, it was your own projection, own it because that's just a part of you.

The pain is the conflict thinking you need the object to feel that part of you again. The pain is your body saying hey I'm right here HELLO! I AM RIGHT HERE.  Accept defeat and surrender to that feeling in your body. It is waiting for you