feelings of emptiness

[antjs]

I am in a better place. I hold no resentment now. I am starting to get on my feet and focus on my life. 2 weeks ago i was so down as i was trying to dig deeper and deeper but i have not reached anything so i decided to take a break and dissociate for some time. taking a break from thinking or digging. just living my life with the new me (solid values, trying to establish solid boundaries). Today, i got the result of an exam that i have sit and i have passed. this exam will make me eligible to sit a final exam that is very important for my career and will totally change my life. When i was with my ex, i also got the news of passing an exam that will give me a license to work in dubai (i sit a lot of exams as i am trying to immigrate). i remember very well telling my ex at that time (during the idealization phase and being so open) "i do not know. i was just excited for an hour or two and thats it. i do not appreciate myself enough for doing an achievement. i do not give myself enough credit." she just smiled. today i feel the same. i do not feel that this is a big achievement and i do not give it enough credit. I am not ruminating, i am not depressed right now (no chest tightness or continuous thoughts or rumination). i just feel ok. not bad not good. i feel empty . very empty like space. very small part of me imagined and wished for a second that she would be with me "celebrating" my pass. but i know that its not about her. its about the companionship. I would have loved to celebrate this with my gf going out tonight, having drinks and getting intimate at night. i do not have a specific question. i just wrote what i am feeling and thinking loudly. your comments are anticipated 

[heartandwhole]

Hi antony_james,

Congratulations on your achievement, that is fantastic.  I am excited for you and about this next exam that will be a big boost for your career and future – you have so much to be proud of!

I understand your wanting to celebrate your achievement with someone special, that can be so nice, but I'm glad you shared it with us.    I hope you'll do something good for yourself, treat yourself to something special.  What do your friends and family think of this?

When you described feeling empty – like space – I actually got a lovely feeling inside. For me, there is something benevolent and kind about the emptiness, it feels like I'm full of something lighter than the "me" that I think I am – like a quiet peace.  I don't know if that resonates with you at all, but I wanted to mention it.

How are you relating to that emptiness?  I used to think that if I wasn't feeling anything, that I wasn't alive.  But I don't think that anymore.  What about you?

[antjs]

The emptiness is not peacful for me. Upon inspection, it is because i am in a hurry to achieve stuff as i still get my confidence from out of myself through achievements. Thats the false self still fightin to get the dominance back. I want to be a human being rather than a human doing. I should enjoy and appreciate my achievement without letting it to define who am i. I do not enjoy it as i think this defines me and my subconscious is saying that this is not good enough.

I think i should relax more and take life step by step. I am so eager to achieve in life as if it was a race. I think i should be able to appreciate what i have for now and be happy with what i have in the present.

[Ihope2]

The emptiness is not peacful for me. Upon inspection, it is because i am in a hurry to achieve stuff as i still get my confidence from out of myself through achievements. Thats the false self still fightin to get the dominance back. I want to be a human being rather than a human doing. I should enjoy and appreciate my achievement without letting it to define who am i. I do not enjoy it as i think this defines me and my subconscious is saying that this is not good enough.

I think i should relax more and take life step by step. I am so eager to achieve in life as if it was a race. I think i should be able to appreciate what i have for now and be happy with what i have in the present.

Dear Antony_James

This is a wonderful insight that you have made.  You have made a lot of progress, you are on the right path! 

Well done on the exam result and I really wish for you that many doors will open for you to have  a bright future!

Best Regards,

Ihope2

[fromheeltoheal]

2 weeks ago i was so down as i was trying to dig deeper and deeper but i have not reached anything so i decided to take a break and dissociate for some time. taking a break from thinking or digging. just living my life with the new me (solid values, trying to establish solid boundaries).

Good for you!  I've been doing the same; there's a lot of value in looking at our part of these relationships, it makes us wiser and allows us to grow, and sometimes we can go too far, digging for deep seated childhood issues, family of origin dysfunction, whatever, and seek and you shall find.  It's possible to go so deep for so long that we start to see things that aren't there, and it is very helpful at that point to just chill, live in the now, enjoy the moment, be grateful for life.  What if everything happens for a reason, it serves us, and we're exactly where we're supposed to be?

The emptiness is not peacful for me. Upon inspection, it is because i am in a hurry to achieve stuff as i still get my confidence from out of myself through achievements. Thats the false self still fightin to get the dominance back. I want to be a human being rather than a human doing. I should enjoy and appreciate my achievement without letting it to define who am i. I do not enjoy it as i think this defines me and my subconscious is saying that this is not good enough.

It's helpful to look at the difference between behaviors and identities; behaviors are what you do, identities are who you are, and sometimes a behavior is just a behavior, sometimes it comes out of an identity, so you are both a human being and a human doing at the same time.  For example, you could be an engineer (an identity) and do engineering work (a behavior), which would be a behavior consistent with your identity.  But say you said something mean to someone (a behavior), does that make you a mean person? (an identity).  It's for us to decide what we make things mean, what identities we assume, and if you take on the identity of "perfect human" (an oxymoron or a profound truth?), what behaviors do you practice that are consistent with that identity?  Sitting on a porch enjoying a sunset and a cool breeze and just being could be a behavior that is consistent with that identity, and your definition of "achieve" might expand to include those behaviors, consistent with that identity.  What identities do you have currently?  Which ones could you add?

[whirlpoollife]

Thank you for sharing your achievements, a_j. It's inspirational to hear. 

When your ex just smiled and nothing more she held back your happiness , your joy, your celebration. That took the place of empty because her lack of reaction created a feeling inside you.

With no one to do that , you move up to the empty feeling level. 

I am not as intellectual as the other replies ( I wish I could) , more just thinking out loud.

[Reforming]

Well done AJ,

You've worked hard to accomplish something valuable and worthwhile. Positive action is positive and should be rewarded.

But sometimes it's hard to pat ourselves on the back and be our own cheerleaders.

Perhaps that's why we sometimes seek validation from others. I realise that we all need positive affirmation from others but we also need to get it from ourselves.

I try to praise myself when I achieve something positive and not get angry at myself when I fail.

But I do think the devaluation stage can leave it's mark on us. At times I still find it difficult to let go of my ex's criticism or negative view of me.

Even why I accomplish things that prove otherwise. I am only mentioning this because it's something I've noticed recently about myself and you mentioned your ex's behaviour when you got your last exam results

For my part I think my ex tapped into my own insecurities about myself and touched a raw nerve. There is some truth in her criticisms though it was distorted.

Now I'm trying to reframe my own sense of self in healthier way, let go of her judgements and be kinder to myself.

Self examination comes in waves and I definitely reach a point when I need a break from my own thoughts

fromheeltoheel. I've read similar ideas about the difference between behaviours and identities in CBT and REBT.

Yet we often say that a man is defined by his actions. And when we look at our exes behaviour we understand them better by what they do rather than what they say. In a sense who they are is revealed by how they act

Heartandwhole; Is being confortable with our emptiness part of being comfortable with yourself? - Self acceptance, Self love? I can see that trying to fill that emptiness with drama, distraction, emotion if partly what drives our attraction to these relationships

Reforming.

[heartandwhole]

The emptiness is not peacful for me. Upon inspection, it is because i am in a hurry to achieve stuff as i still get my confidence from out of myself through achievements. Thats the false self still fightin to get the dominance back. I want to be a human being rather than a human doing. I should enjoy and appreciate my achievement without letting it to define who am i. I do not enjoy it as i think this defines me and my subconscious is saying that this is not good enough.

I think i should relax more and take life step by step. I am so eager to achieve in life as if it was a race. I think i should be able to appreciate what i have for now and be happy with what i have in the present.

antony_james,

I agree with Ihope2 that this is a fantastic insight!  I know I can definitely relate to being a human doing sometimes, and for me, it feels very uncomfortable.  It's a kind of coping strategy, often to avoid feelings.  I think many of us equate being a human doing with self-worth – our culture almost demands it.  

Part of my healing path is learning that I am lovable and valuable just because I am.  Then my actions come from a place of self-love and respect, and those actions could very well will benefit others, too.

Can you find the wonderful aspects of you unrelated to your achievements, aj?

Heartandwhole; Is being confortable with our emptiness part of being comfortable with yourself? - Self acceptance, Self love? I can see that trying to fill that emptiness with drama, distraction, emotion if partly what drives our attraction to these relationships

Hi Reforming,

In a word, yes!    I think many of us are afraid of "emptiness," but if we would just allow it to be, feeling all the resistance to it, eventually it reveals itself to be something else – not emptiness at all.  Like an absence of everything we are used to, but a fullness of something we've always sought.  Impossible to describe, but many call it peace, uncaused joy, love, etc.  It's not a feeling; feelings arise in it, so to speak.  

As you say, drama, distractions, desires, etc., seem to mask it... .and we run around looking for what we already are.  

heartandwhole

[antjs]

yes heartandwhole. what you are explaining i can feel it bit by bit. this emptiness is beginning to fill up with something good that i can not describe. like i am hysterically happy to find and activate (i thank the ex definitely to be the catalyst though she did not mean good) self love and worth like when Archimedes  ran hysterically expressing happiness out of the bath tub. no turning back to the old me at all costs. it takes time and training (you are breaking a schema you have been using for years) to reach what you want but you should try to be at peace with the process. i do not know how and why i have been living like what i used to in the past. it does not make sense. i am really a good decent person and deserve to feel good about myself. i even realized that i was having unresolved issues (self blame) that were out of my hands and i could not do anything about or solve it.  but its not about logic cause we did not have this logic when we were children being programmed that we are not good enough by our parents.

[Ihope2]

like i am hysterically happy to find and activate (i thank the ex definitely to be the catalyst though she did not mean good) self love and worth like when Archimedes  ran hysterically expressing happiness out of the bath tub.

This made my smile!