Significant Events - An Epic Tale of WTH

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Whether it be serendipity or divine intervention or just plain coincidence, I have found myself having had many of my life experiences reflected back to me from a few different people lately and it has caused me a whole shift in my perspective. 

Their memories and insight have strung my life together in a surprising way for me.

I decided to make a list of events that have had large impact on me and then thought to do it here. Mainly to overcome my deeply held belief that I don't have a right to 'complain' This due to the fact that I have believed others have all had it much worse than me and my whining is just a burden for others to hear. And the sad sinister undertone of parents whom have spent my entire life one-upping me in almost every way.

But I want an inventory so here I go. Get your burger and fries now because intermission is a long way off!

We start out with the usual suspects produced by BPDm and OCPD/possibly NPD father - emotional abuse, physical abuse (followed by the requirement of forgiving them, accepting the punishments and approving of them before kissing and hugging goodnight and then crying myself to sleep for being so bad. So very bad) emotional incest, constant criticism and/or taking credit, one -upping etc etc. You know - you've been there.

First I learned that you don't deserve to do fun things unless you work hard.

Age 5-6 ":)ad can I help you paint the chair?" "First you have to dismantle it, sand it, putty it, prime it, undercoat it and let it dry. Then you can paint a little bit" because really he was annoyed that HE had done the work while others get the fun.

Age 10, met some lovely old people at the beach. next day meet another old man who proceeds to sexually molest me.

Age 11, tampered with by school 'friend'

Age 11 new baby sister comes along. 3 days later she moves into my room  and I take over night time bottle feeds, nappy changes, walks etc. Set schedules for needles, take time off school. babysit her almost every day for the next 7 years. Learn parenting skills.

Age 11 popular girl at school out of the blue decides to walk me home! On the way punches me hard in the guts and tells me not to laugh at her 'jokes' in school. Challenges me to a fight the next day. Warns me ":)on't tell your mum." So I don't. but I'm terrified so I tell my Dad. Reassures me he will come down and watch the fight from a distance and intervene if necessary. Girl doesn't show but her 4 underlings do and proceed to jump me from behind and belt the living daylights out of me. One of them straddles me and pounds my head onto the ground till I black out. Rips chunks of my hair out. Awful. Where was dad? oh he had to work overtime so he forgot. Learn no one will save you.

Age 15 walking home one night, this sleazy old guy comes out and exposes himself to me - starts 'having sex with himself' so to speak. Ugggghh. So disgusting. I didn't tell - it must be my fault somehow? then he did it again in broad daylight in front of my 3 year old sister. that was it. i told my folks.

Dad takes me down to the police station where it is clear as crystal they don't believe me. haul me down to the scene in the back of the cop car so I had the glorious joy of all my friends seeing me as though I had committed a crime. Learn you can't trust grownups.

Age 15 my best friend from childhood dies at age 12. I am devastated. 15 minutes after finding out, get asked out on a date for the very first time. Cognitive dissonance? HELL yes. Unutterable grief beds down with unimaginable joy. Learn that no joy is unalloyed.

6 weeks later I am invited to the b/day party of a 2 y/o girl I babysat. leave the pool party arund 9, find out next morning she had drowned shortly after. On her birthday. Writhing around in  a pain I can't get to grips with.

4 weeks after that, another person I babysat for jumps on me and tries to sexually assault me. I get away shaken. 8 hours later, a different bloke completes the job in a most shaming humiliating gutwrenching way. Learn my body is not mine.

3 days later, leave the town where I'd lived my whole life and move to the city.

make new friends, start with a clean slate. Suddenly the racial slurs I had been subject to for years disappeared and my dark complexion was celebrated instead of maligned. Learn hope.

7 months later in a car crash that left the driver and other passenger permanently brain damaged. Me I only suffered a head injury, skull fracture, neck fractures back fractures, dislocated shoulder, sprained ankles and several stitched. I was lucky. Unfortunately, at the scene I had no pulse and so the cops went to inform my mother before they knew I had been revived. She soon found out and began a harassment campaign on my father for being away when it happened ":)on't you know what I have been through? the pain of almost losing my daughter? No one supporting me or looking after me? I was abandoned to look after her myself" ?Huh? I was in ICU. Being looked after. But I reassured her over and over that it wasn't her fault that she let me go out that night, sympathised with her how hard it must be to go through all that pain and fear without support. Apologised for not being at home to look after her and sorry that I couldn't hug her due to the neck brace and IV and tubes etc

Didn't dare tell her about the driver's dad visiting me late at night, drunk making lewd sleazy comments about my 'nubile young breasts'. it would have only upset her more. Learn not to tell.

Later much later that year I was better and finally got my first real job. Where the manager used to rub himself up against me and tell me his fantasies about what he thought "girls like you get up to with young boys" Sleazebag. I wish I'd known more ... .

Anyhow ... .moved out of home at age 18 amidst wailing and histrionics from mother that I was abandoning her again - leaving her to fend for herself with a young child in a city she didn't want to live in a country she hated (dad was working away)

Moved in with a rather creative fellow who manufactured drugs and unfortunately, one of his 'experimental' mixes had gone wrong and a customer ended up in critical condition in hospital. Meanwhile the guy's friends came round while my roomie was out so they threatened me with the gun instead. I was terrified. I called the cops who sent the TRG around. they haul ME in for questioning levelling FALSE and STUPID accusations at ME!

I gave up. Turned to alcohol. And drugs. And promiscuity. Things got worse for a while until one blinding hangover morning I wake up at a party to find a dead body on the couch. Drug overdose.

That haunted me.

Life was fragile. So very very fragile.

Sometime later I watched this movie called Multiplicity. in it there's this guy who has himself cloned. I wondered - what would I think if I met my clone? met myself?

I imagined her. Tall, imposing, funny.  And the word came unbidden into my mind - intimidating. What would I do if I met myself? i'd run screaming from the room that's what!

Well so much time has passed (how's that burger?) and I have in the previous year been advised by some of the most compassionate members on this site, in this family to embrace the child. little Zig that was. Learn to hear her, learn to talk to her. learn to LISTEN to her. And I have been doing that. But what I didn't know till last night was this: Big Zig needs to be heard to.

Last night i imagined meeting myself in this new light. In fact I opened the door and saw her. We kind of looked at each other for a moment. And then we embraced. it was awkward and clumsy and sad and funny, but we did it anyway. And I think I'm ready to find out her story. And now I gotta go. Cause she's here. And we have SO much to talk about.

[Ziggiddy]

Whether it be serendipity or divine intervention or just plain coincidence, I have found myself having had many of my life experiences reflected back to me from a few different people lately and it has caused me a whole shift in my perspective. 

Their memories and insight have strung my life together in a surprising way for me.

I decided to make a list of events that have had large impact on me and then thought to do it here. Mainly to overcome my deeply held belief that I don't have a right to 'complain' This due to the fact that I have believed others have all had it much worse than me and my whining is just a burden for others to hear. And the sad sinister undertone of parents whom have spent my entire life one-upping me in almost every way.

But I want an inventory so here I go. Get your burger and fries now because intermission is a long way off!

We start out with the usual suspects produced by BPDm and OCPD/possibly NPD father - emotional abuse, physical abuse (followed by the requirement of forgiving them, accepting the punishments and approving of them before kissing and hugging goodnight and then crying myself to sleep for being so bad. So very bad) emotional incest, constant criticism and/or taking credit, one -upping etc etc. You know - you've been there.

First I learned that you don't deserve to do fun things unless you work hard.

Age 5-6 ":)ad can I help you paint the chair?" "First you have to dismantle it, sand it, putty it, prime it, undercoat it and let it dry. Then you can paint a little bit" because really he was annoyed that HE had done the work while others get the fun.

Age 10, met some lovely old people at the beach. next day meet another old man who proceeds to sexually molest me.

Age 11, tampered with by school 'friend'

Age 11 new baby sister comes along. 3 days later she moves into my room  and I take over night time bottle feeds, nappy changes, walks etc. Set schedules for needles, take time off school. babysit her almost every day for the next 7 years. Learn parenting skills.

Age 11 popular girl at school out of the blue decides to walk me home! On the way punches me hard in the guts and tells me not to laugh at her 'jokes' in school. Challenges me to a fight the next day. Warns me ":)on't tell your mum." So I don't. but I'm terrified so I tell my Dad. Reassures me he will come down and watch the fight from a distance and intervene if necessary. Girl doesn't show but her 4 underlings do and proceed to jump me from behind and belt the living daylights out of me. One of them straddles me and pounds my head onto the ground till I black out. Rips chunks of my hair out. Awful. Where was dad? oh he had to work overtime so he forgot. Learn no one will save you.

Age 15 walking home one night, this sleazy old guy comes out and exposes himself to me - starts 'having sex with himself' so to speak. Ugggghh. So disgusting. I didn't tell - it must be my fault somehow? then he did it again in broad daylight in front of my 3 year old sister. that was it. i told my folks.

Dad takes me down to the police station where it is clear as crystal they don't believe me. haul me down to the scene in the back of the cop car so I had the glorious joy of all my friends seeing me as though I had committed a crime. Learn you can't trust grownups.

Age 15 my best friend from childhood dies at age 12. I am devastated. 15 minutes after finding out, get asked out on a date for the very first time. Cognitive dissonance? HELL yes. Unutterable grief beds down with unimaginable joy. Learn that no joy is unalloyed.

6 weeks later I am invited to the b/day party of a 2 y/o girl I babysat. leave the pool party arund 9, find out next morning she had drowned shortly after. On her birthday. Writhing around in  a pain I can't get to grips with.

4 weeks after that, another person I babysat for jumps on me and tries to sexually assault me. I get away shaken. 8 hours later, a different bloke completes the job in a most shaming humiliating gutwrenching way. Learn my body is not mine.

3 days later, leave the town where I'd lived my whole life and move to the city.

make new friends, start with a clean slate. Suddenly the racial slurs I had been subject to for years disappeared and my dark complexion was celebrated instead of maligned. Learn hope.

7 months later in a car crash that left the driver and other passenger permanently brain damaged. Me I only suffered a head injury, skull fracture, neck fractures back fractures, dislocated shoulder, sprained ankles and several stitched. I was lucky. Unfortunately, at the scene I had no pulse and so the cops went to inform my mother before they knew I had been revived. She soon found out and began a harassment campaign on my father for being away when it happened ":)on't you know what I have been through? the pain of almost losing my daughter? No one supporting me or looking after me? I was abandoned to look after her myself" ?Huh? I was in ICU. Being looked after. But I reassured her over and over that it wasn't her fault that she let me go out that night, sympathised with her how hard it must be to go through all that pain and fear without support. Apologised for not being at home to look after her and sorry that I couldn't hug her due to the neck brace and IV and tubes etc

Didn't dare tell her about the driver's dad visiting me late at night, drunk making lewd sleazy comments about my 'nubile young breasts'. it would have only upset her more. Learn not to tell.

Later much later that year I was better and finally got my first real job. Where the manager used to rub himself up against me and tell me his fantasies about what he thought "girls like you get up to with young boys" Sleazebag. I wish I'd known more ... .

Anyhow ... .moved out of home at age 18 amidst wailing and histrionics from mother that I was abandoning her again - leaving her to fend for herself with a young child in a city she didn't want to live in a country she hated (dad was working away)

Moved in with a rather creative fellow who manufactured drugs and unfortunately, one of his 'experimental' mixes had gone wrong and a customer ended up in critical condition in hospital. Meanwhile the guy's friends came round while my roomie was out so they threatened me with the gun instead. I was terrified. I called the cops who sent the TRG around. they haul ME in for questioning levelling FALSE and STUPID accusations at ME!

I gave up. Turned to alcohol. And drugs. And promiscuity. Things got worse for a while until one blinding hangover morning I wake up at a party to find a dead body on the couch. Drug overdose.

That haunted me.

Life was fragile. So very very fragile.

Sometime later I watched this movie called Multiplicity. in it there's this guy who has himself cloned. I wondered - what would I think if I met my clone? met myself?

I imagined her. Tall, imposing, funny.  And the word came unbidden into my mind - intimidating. What would I do if I met myself? i'd run screaming from the room that's what!

Well so much time has passed (how's that burger?) and I have in the previous year been advised by some of the most compassionate members on this site, in this family to embrace the child. little Zig that was. Learn to hear her, learn to talk to her. learn to LISTEN to her. And I have been doing that. But what I didn't know till last night was this: Big Zig needs to be heard to.

Last night i imagined meeting myself in this new light. In fact I opened the door and saw her. We kind of looked at each other for a moment. And then we embraced. it was awkward and clumsy and sad and funny, but we did it anyway. And I think I'm ready to find out her story. And now I gotta go. Cause she's here. And we have SO much to talk about.

[claudiaduffy]

Standing. Clapping. Cheering for you, for writing this, for truth-telling and life-owning.

[heartandwhole]

Ziggiddy,

Such a moving and powerful account, thank you for opening up and sharing this.  I applaud your courage to rise up from so much pain and meet yourself head on.  Your statement about listening to Big Zig really resonated with me. 

I hope you will share the conversations you have with her, if you are moved to.     Your writing is wonderful.

heartandwhole

[Katy-Did]

Wow!  It takes a fair amount of courage to share such life-altering experiences.  Thank you.

Last night i imagined meeting myself in this new light. In fact I opened the door and saw her. We kind of looked at each other for a moment. And then we embraced. it was awkward and clumsy and sad and funny, but we did it anyway. And I think I'm ready to find out her story. And now I gotta go. Cause she's here. And we have SO much to talk about.

[Ihope2]

Dear Ziggiddy,

My heart bleeds for the little girl who was born in a storm, and left to her own devices.  Expectations were heaped on her to be a little adult, and throughout her childhood, she had no chance to be a child.

Abandoned emotionally by what sounds like psychologically very damaged parents.

Exposed to events and dangerous situations, no protection from the adults in her life.

My heart bleeds, also, for the woman she now is, and the painful burden she has been carrying around with her for the longest time. 

I am so glad that you can speak your truth now.  Your voice will be heard.  The hurt child and the woman will find healing.

Bless you.

[Ziggiddy]

Gosh. I'm overwhelmed.

I could not have imagined so much warmth understanding and support. Thank you. Thank you all of you for reading this. And for your compassion. You reminded me that it's ok to speak up. I can't quite - I don't

Man! I am not often speechless!

Ihope2 - you moved me to tears with your words. Good tears. I don't know how to thank you - you have helped me SO much.

Learned - people are aMAZING.

Heatandwhole -what a lovely compliment and invitation! I will! I surely will

 

[LostGhost]

An amazing autobiography. Honest, heartbreaking and well written. I think we could all benefit by going back to the beginning and discovering what we unearth in our own histories. It helps to connect the dots later by layer. How we all ended up on these boards was no accident.

[maternal]

Amazing.  Beautiful.  Awesome.

I love this so much.  Of course, it's absolutely heartbreaking, but so authentic and vulnerable and strong.  This is healing in so many ways. 

Thank you so much for sharing.