Full recovery perspectives?

[AG]

What is being fully healed to you. What do you invision it feeling like. What do you envision the process looking like? What do you invision doing with your healed self now that you would be looking at the world with a different set of eyes.

[MommaBear]

This is a tough one for me.

You see, ideally, it would be to maintain NC and be able to function in a normal, healthy relationship (not necessarily romantic, because I don't think my healing depends on a romantic relationship, but rather, the ABILITY to engage in such a relationship should I choose to).

It would also mean a day where I'm no longer angry, and those memories are just a learning experience and nothing more.

But we have a child together, so I need to navigate healing beyond myself and make it a lifelong process. You see, my little one will no doubt be affected by having a father with BPD.

In this sense, healing to me has become an all-encompassing journey. I need to know and to understand things on the horizon, because it isn't just about me anymore. I'm not as angry as I used to be, and I'm reaching a point where this is little more than a big learning experience, but my poor little one has a lifetime of hurt and invalidation on the horizon, and in that sense, healing also means I have to know how to protect and heal others who suffer because of him.

So I take it day by day. It's not enough that I detach, I have to do so well enough to teach my child how to protect themselves from their father's rage and controlling behavior, and be an ever-vigilant role model. I have to protect my kid, and when I can't, I need to recognize the hurt, validate it, and be "supermom" when it comes to mental and emotional health.

This borders dangerously close to falling into the "perfectionist" trap that so many of us experience as a result of their abuse, so it's a narrow road to recovery for me.

I never thought I'd say this, but letting go of the hurt and anger he caused me is the easy part in my journey. Knowing that my child will be put through something similar is agonizing, and I have to pave a way for them that's safe and nurturing. In this sense, the healing will always be a process for me.

[AwakenedOne]

That is a good question.

This is my vision of being fully healed:

I have found peace. The anger is all gone. I now have a calm relaxed feeling in my soul. I have brushed myself off of all the dirt and travelled into this new city to have a real life here with people who respect and value me. Some of my innocence and trusting of others is gone but is now replaced with real world wisdom that will help to not repeat past mistakes. The future looks brighter and brighter now each day. Even though life presents many daily struggles I continue to take one day at a time and seek to make my dreams reality. I look forward to the living the rest of my life with my new wife supermodel Hannah Davis.

[maternal]

I don't know a complete answer yet. 

But a huge part of my recovery will be the ability to see or communicate with my ex (in the event that it happens, because it very well could) without getting drawn back into his bullsh!t and manipulation and being in a place of strength in regard to him specifically in which I no longer give two sh!ts about him.  To be in a place where he is just a piece of my puzzle, not the creator of my puzzle.

[Blimblam]

I have made a "full recovery" in the past from a BPD relationship it took me years to achieve and like 5 months of isolated contemplation meditation in nature with no electronics or distractions. 

I was able to be completely indifferent in the presence of my ex even when she would pull tactics to make me jealous or lure me in with idealization or sex.  I didn't feel cautious or wary it took no effort to keep a boundary I could have a conversation with her and compassion and interest in the subject. 

I was tottaly focused on my own life and was not haunted by memories of her. I had truly moved on.  I could look back with fondness with no what ifs. 

In this last relationship I have found that parts of myself have been repressed by the trauma of that relationship though. As this time the wound went much deeper than that one did. If it can go any deeper than this idk if I would be able to survive or be able to fuly recover though.

[Blimblam]

I want to add something to my last post

Even though I had achieved indifference with her I had not truly made a full recovery because I had not broke my own pattern of being attracted to boderline women. I dated a few after her and didn't get sucked in to the drama and left before it could get there. When I was at my weak points I. Life though I would find solace within a woman though and it was at these points where I would get sucked in by idealization from a woman.

[AG]

I have made a "full recovery" in the past from a BPD relationship it took me years to achieve and like 5 months of isolated contemplation meditation in nature with no electronics or distractions. 

I was able to be completely indifferent in the presence of my ex even when she would pull tactics to make me jealous or lure me in with idealization or sex.  I didn't feel cautious or wary it took no effort to keep a boundary I could have a conversation with her and compassion and interest in the subject. 

I was tottaly focused on my own life and was not haunted by memories of her. I had truly moved on.  I could look back with fondness with no what ifs. 

In this last relationship I have found that parts of myself have been repressed by the trauma of that relationship though. As this time the wound went much deeper than that one did. If it can go any deeper than this idk if I would be able to survive or be able to fuly recover though.

Funny that you say this Blimblam I never been with a BPD before this but I was practically engaged once years ago to a woman who broke me to say the least. It took me a whopping 7 years to recover from the betrayal. The story is quite vicious so I don't want to get into it but the reason why it took so long is because I kept prolonging it. It went through many stages. The first stage was me going out and partying heavily and sleeping with many and I do mean many women. Each time the pain would come back I would just go out again and screw someone else. I ran wild. Then I mixed the partying with drugs exstacy to be exact and a hell of a lot of alcohol. I was partying somewhere along the lines of about 3 times per week probably even more. Then in between I had some recycles with that same ex and brought in some more pain for myself. It wasnt until about the 4th year that I stopped the drugs and wild partying but by then I had ripped a hole into my life and had piled up tickets and a ___ load of bills that I could not pay because I kept on not giving a ___.

By the 4th year I completely leaned into the pain and stayed alone I started took a spiritual approach to healing and leaned full force into it. I read and read and read some more. I worked out heavily, fixed my diet, and added some other new hobbies. Then way down the line probably about the 6th year I felt power emerging from within. I felt strong again even stronger matter of fact. As a matter of fact the reason why I had boundaries in the first place and strong ones at that with my BPD ex was from that relationship. I called it a wall though at the time but when I read stop walking on egg shells and other BPD literature I learned that what I actually had were boundaries. However I consistently had to keep reinforcing those boundaries over and over again. After time those boundaries slowly but surely weakened like a door being batted against by a battering ram. There is no doubt in my mind that I was healthy before I started this last relationship.

For myself I want the same feeling of power again. This is one of the reasons why I don't date right now. I know dating will only prolong this process from experience. I also know from my 7 year experience how dragged out internal healing can be. Im 33 now I do not want another 7 years added to be healed. I fear that happening big time and am ashamed that I conquered that and had all my work ripped down in only 3 years.

[Frankcostello]

Full recovery for me has been an indifference to my exBPDgf.  I gained some valuable life lessons from my relationship with me exBPDgf.  I am now and have been in a very healthy relationship with someone for about a year. Once in a while the pain of what I went through with my exBPDgf appears unconsciously but it doesn't affect what I do with my life nor my relationship with my current gf. 

[Blimblam]

Ag

A big part i realized is respecting where you are in your journey.  There should be no shame in it.  I truly believe that while a "healthy" person might never engage to the level of commitment to get as devastated as we have  by this I really don't think anyone who hasn't experienced such incredible pain will ever be able to have the level of compassion of someone who has.  It's like we have added 50 more shades of black crayons to the set. 

It's great you learned so much about how drawn out the healing process can be.  So that you can really commit to healing this time. 

My first love was that BPD rs I speak of I didn't know what BPD was though untill a few months ago.  That rs lasted 3 years and the last 2 were pure hell.  It took me 3 years to recover but the vast majority of the healing occurred in the first 3 months then I got stuck untill those 5 months in a beautiful old growth redwood Forrest alone my only friends were chipmunks flying squirels that would crawl around on me and owl I would talk to at night and a bird that would eat out of my hand. 

The intensity of that wound was extremely deep but somehow this 10 month rs and 5 month "friendship" has wounded me like 10 times worst than a first love multi year lost my virginity BPD relationship where her behavior was much worst than this recent one.  Only in the last few days has my mind reached any sort of clarity.  My mom Is BPD so I think I have the genetic makeup that predisposes me to feel emotions on the level of intensity of a borderline but I also feel the full depth and complexity of a full palate of emotions. 

Now that I can seperate my emotions from my thoughts again. I  going to do what I know that I need to do to heal from this no matter the cost because I know this wound will take me years and years to heal otherwise.  This is 10x worst than the first time but I think I can heal within a year if I fully commit to healing as a 24/7 activity like I did in those 5 months the first time when I was in the woods.