Custody/Psych Eval. Do BPD's ever do "ok"?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So long story short, mediation came back with a recommendation of sole legal of SD5 to us and one over night a week to uBPDmom. Well needless to say she didn't like that much.

So her previous three year refusal to a custody eval was suddenly now her bright idea. And we are about to go through all that.

I'm wondering if any of you out there have had surprising results with the psych eval part?  Has your BPD ex ever come through it without looking BPD?  What are the chances she will be able to get the new evaluator to "feel sorry for her"?  She's pretty good at being the victim, I tend to be a worrier I know, but don't want to go into this thinking "we got this" and get blindsided.

Any thoughts?

[bravhart1]

So long story short, mediation came back with a recommendation of sole legal of SD5 to us and one over night a week to uBPDmom. Well needless to say she didn't like that much.

So her previous three year refusal to a custody eval was suddenly now her bright idea. And we are about to go through all that.

I'm wondering if any of you out there have had surprising results with the psych eval part?  Has your BPD ex ever come through it without looking BPD?  What are the chances she will be able to get the new evaluator to "feel sorry for her"?  She's pretty good at being the victim, I tend to be a worrier I know, but don't want to go into this thinking "we got this" and get blindsided.

Any thoughts?

[DontPanic]

My experience is that people with BPD are very good at getting professionals to believe the line of BS they dish out.

It sounds like you are already aware of this fact. If she is diagnosed and admits to the reality of the situation, make sure this fact is known, if she is not diagnosed... well your going to have a tough time convincing anyone but a very specially trained psychologist of the issues. you may want to look into a forensic psychologist to see if they can help you.

Course, if you have gone through mediation and been successful, see if you can stick with that plan.

Good luck and Dont Panic.

[ForeverDad]

It's likely that her disagreement that that mediation outcome automatically results in a delay while doing a custody evaluation.

Beware, custody evaluators come in a wide range of gender bias, gullibility, perceptiveness, training, experience, etc.  And you may not get your pick of evaluator.  If one parent gets to choose a short list and the other parent picks from that list, be sure that you're the parent who researches and provides the short list of good CEs.

Do not expect a CE to make a diagnosis.  Like family court and most other professionals, they focus on the behaviors and especially on the parenting behaviors.  As my CE, a child psychologist, stated in the first session, "I'm not here to diagnose, I'm here to recommend custody and related parenting arrangements.  Be forewarned that generally a large proportion of the recommendation is based on who has a history of majority parenting."  Fortunately, my CE saw the big issues despite history of my ex being the Stay At Home Mother (SAHM) while I went off to work.  The report's initial recommendation?  "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can... .Mother's temporary custody should end immediately... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then father should have custody."  Court ignored the immediate temp custody change recommendation, ordered a settlement conference then a trial.  The CE report was never used in court since my ex decided to settle literally at the last minute on Trial Morning, I got that news when I arrived at the court house.  Settlements "on the court house steps" are not uncommon.

While my ex seems sort of okay on the surface in public, only a little 'off', the CE had the expertise, experience and tools (MMPI-2 and other tests) to peer deeper.

[bravhart1]

Luckily the Judge hearing the case saw her attempt at delaying it and ordered the mediators report be put in place until the custody eval is done.

my guess is that she will now go back to trying to "not" do the custody eval, but DH and his attorney think she is thinking she will get this whole thing over turned as soon as she gets the evaluator to understand her.

I would love to know what some of the other custody evals have come back like. I figure that instead of coming right out and saying she's BPD they will use words like "mother sees things in black and white" and "mother lacks empathy towards the father/daughter relationship" etc.

My biggest concern now is that she tries to do something to set us up to look like we are bad parents, ie more false accusations. It is hard enough raising a five yr old with emotional issues without constantly looking over your shoulder.

[livednlearned]

My biggest concern now is that she tries to do something to set us up to look like we are bad parents, ie more false accusations. It is hard enough raising a five yr old with emotional issues without constantly looking over your shoulder.

You're off to a good start if things are going your way in mediation and the judge is ordering things to stay put for now. That's a good sign. Enjoy every good sign you can 

She is going to have to get a slam dunk to change things, at least that's my experience with so-called "temporary" orders. Be super proactive like FD recommends and figure out who the best CE's are, and then have your L provide a list of three to pick from. Ask a whole bunch of people in court who is good. You'll start to hear the same names. Look at where they've been trained (make sure the person isn't from a for-profit university -- they train a lot of forensic psychologists and many of those schools don't have ethics training, and their students don't get nearly as much clinical time in training).

It's true that BPD can be hard to see. But I think a lot of times it's actually fairly obvious, it's just that court doesn't like to make drastic decisions, for all kinds of reasons that have to do with the system and not with what's best for our kids.

[trappeddad]

What are the chances she will be able to get the new evaluator to "feel sorry for her"?  She's pretty good at being the victim, I tend to be a worrier I know, but don't want to go into this thinking "we got this" and get blindsided.

The evaluator said my ex had a histrionic personality, but he felt sorry for her and got emotionally hooked on her case.     The evaluator recommended she get my son 6 nights a week.    He said my ex has a histrionic personality with interpersonal relationships, but a great mom.    I don't see how this makes sense.     This eval was a waste of time and money.     

[ForeverDad]

Luckily the Judge hearing the case saw her attempt at delaying it and ordered the mediators report be put in place until the custody eval is done.

Think what this means... ."mediation came back with a recommendation of sole legal of SD5 to us and one over night a week to uBPDmom."  So you have temporary majority time, right?  That is excellent.  It means you will be starting a history of majority time parenting.  Once started down that path, it will take a lot to derail that.  (I hope.)  While you can't risk sitting back and relaxing, you've got a good start.

[bravhart1]

Thanks for the support guys!

Every little bit of understanding of this crazy situation really means a lot. So often I feel so terribly alone in all this drama and discourse. Don't know any one else who has to let a total stranger (with mental problems) dictate your daily lives. It's nuts.

[projectBmode]

As a father, what did you have to be worthy of being the primary caretaker in the eyes of a mediator? What was the basis of the judgement (it surprises me given everything I've been told)? My completely unqualified opinion would be that the mediator would be using a similar set of criteria as the court, in which case I would think things would be in your favour. That being said, BPDex is always able to will the completely irrational into existence.

I met with a family psychologist who told me that even if I got a psych eval to prove my BPDexGF was BPD, it didn't mean anything because there's nothing inherent in the disease that proves she's not capable of taking care of our child.

Both the psychologist and 2 separate lawyers told me that being the primary caretaker is entirely in her hands unless she:

• Doesn't want it



• Is neglecting the child



• Is performing some act of self harm (e.g. heavy drugs, self mutilation, etc.)

It's infuriating, because even her own dad doesn't see anything wrong with what I've done, but his response (when we were still together) to her insane allegations against me was always, "Be patient... .that's just how women are." Somehow though, we're always the bad guys, aren't we?

Good luck with everything.

[ForeverDad]

So much depends upon the custody evaluator.

• Is the CE experienced, perceptive and unbiased?
  
  ... .or inexperienced, gullible and biased?



• While the "Tender Years Doctrine" always favoring mothers is not the standard today, many policies and procedures are designed in such a way that, despite professed claims there is no longer any gender bias, default preference is still often given to mothers.



• History of major time parenting means a lot.  CEs and courts are often unwilling to make major changes to the parenting on the (invalid) assumption that making big changes to the schedule will 'upset' the children.  (I asked my lawyer, "What if NOT making changes to the schedule would be upsetting to my child?"



• There is a lot of poor behaviors (including BPD ones) that doesn't rise to the level of being 'actionable'.  For example, CPS usually focuses on the more extreme child abuse, child neglect and child endangerment, ignoring anything less.



• A good CE will take into account the psych evals, the overall behaviors and the effect on the children when making recommendations tot he court.



• Court is to choose the best interests of the children, but it also wants to make the least amount of change as possible.  Often improvement turns out to be far too little and far too late.  I often refer to it as court making Baby Step fixes.



• Court depends upon the CE to make expert professional recommendations.  So get a good CE who is perceptive, experienced, gender unbiased and has a good reputation.



• Often you don't get to choose a CE, one may have to be agreed upon by both sides.  One method is for one side to select a few names and the other side to make the final selection.  Try to be the side that makes a short list of the most reputable CEs and let the other side choose one.  Otherwise, if her side selects the group, you may not have any good ones in the group.