Remind me what happened?

[KeepOnGoing]

Why, why, why didn't she love me? I get so caught up in this over and over again. What the hell happened? Someone please remind me.

[patientandclear]

Just a quick note to say I so identify with this post

I know the answer(s). But they don't seem to make the question to away.

[maternal]

I think she did love you, and that's why she hated you and needed you to go away. 

We won't ever understand that because we don't and can't think or feel the same way that they do about love.  We can't rationalize why they do what they do, because they operate from a disordered place that we'll never understand because we did not experience what they have to create these intense defense mechanisms.  We're not meant to understand, just take the lessons we've learned from them and grow.

[fromheeltoheal]

Reminder: she did love you, all the way, completely, a perfect attachment, until she didn't.  Borderlines are incapable of sustained emotions, and as soon as the 'love' storm passed through her it was followed by the 'hate' storm, none of which had anything to do with you.  Serious Mental Illness.

Like P&C I identify with your post.  Knowledge of the disorder can help depersonalize it.

[BacknthSaddle]

I second everything everyone has said here. I identify with this post as well. The issue is not that she didn't love you, but that the two of you were speaking a different language. She. We think of love we think of something durable and lasting, built in trust. We think of accepting a partner, warts and all, BECAUSE we love them. We're not looking for perfection; we're looking for a partner. PwBPD have a totally different conception of love, and it involves intensity and mirroring and primitive defenses like splitting. We see all htt idealization and think oh, this is a just a precursor to the durable love I always wanted, an extra-special bonus, or maybe we think that their intensity IS durable. For us, love is forever. For them, no emotional state is forever, except (in their minds) the one they are in right now.

[BacknthSaddle]

As an addendum, not only is whatever emotional state they are in "forever" in there minds, it also HAS BEEN THE CASE "forever" in their minds. So, if they stopped loving you, they'll say they never loved you. If they want to be "friends," they'll say you were always just good friends. If they recycle you, they'll say they loved you all along, thought about you every minute, and always knew they would come back.

[BorisAcusio]

I second everything everyone has said here. I identify with this post as well. The issue is not that she didn't love you, but that the two of you were speaking a different language. She. We think of love we think of something durable and lasting, built in trust. We think of accepting a partner, warts and all, BECAUSE we love them. We're not looking for perfection; we're looking for a partner. PwBPD have a totally different conception of love, and it involves intensity and mirroring and primitive defenses like splitting. We see all htt idealization and think oh, this is a just a precursor to the durable love I always wanted, an extra-special bonus, or maybe we think that their intensity IS durable. For us, love is forever. For them, no emotional state is forever, except (in their minds) the one they are in right now.

The available literature is quite straightforward about "need fulfilling" nature of their interpersonal relationships and the lack of geniuine care for the idealized object. Is it still convenient to label it as love?

[BacknthSaddle]

No, it's certainly not right to label it as love. My point is simply that THEY use the word love, but they are referring to something totally different than what we are referring to. From their perspective they do "love us" in the sense that we are meeting thee needs. We assume they mean by it what we would mean, hence the confusion when they stop "loving us."

[myself]

It was a dream we're waking up from.

An addiction we're overcoming.

A way for us to learn what love really is.

[KeepOnGoing]

Thanks everyone. I think I'm getting this? Met with my therapist today, and every time I get into this discussion she just shakes her head and just says BPD is a sad, awful, awful condition. It really is sad. They want so desperately to connect, but their condition won't allow them to, not really. It is just messed up. She quickly gets the focus back onto me. Thanks again for chiming in. It really, really does help.

[goingtostopthis]

I think they love,  I just think they can only handle feeling so much of it and after a while thier fears start to set in and when their fears start to set in their hatred shows up.  Thier hatred is the only thing theyve got in dealing with their abandonment fears. Its easy to hate.  Its easier then pinning around. They have such a lack of secure self, if they get hurt again they will dissappear.  They feel un empowered most of the time, so what going to make them feel empowered?  First of all some illusion about you that isnt true that more or less demonizes you. They can feel safe now.

[amigo]

The why, why, why, -  I can relate.

For me it's hardest in the mornings. Waking up, missing the BPD, thinking they are warm and happy in their new lovenest. While we have a devastating burning pain in our chest. Even if it is not the same love we perceive, I think in the idealization phase they are very happy and feel like they are very much in love. He said it to me often enough: " I am so happy with you! You are so easy to be with! I will always love you!"

It is so hard to detach. But detachment leads to freedom. I want to be free already! Free of this longing and pain.

I'll remind myself and all of you what happened: The used us and then they split us and now we are growing and learning and moving on.

Thanks for letting me rant.

[Blimblam]

You thought you found what was missing in someone else. It was never missing it is within you and it always has been

[amigo]

You thought you found what was missing in someone else. It was never missing it is within you and it always has been

I agree with you blimblam, it just seems so incredibly hard to access that missing piece which is somewhere buried inside of us. How do you get to it?

Meditation, prayer, therapy?

[Blimblam]

You thought you found what was missing in someone else. It was never missing it is within you and it always has been

I agree with you blimblam, it just seems so incredibly hard to access that missing piece which is somewhere buried inside of us. How do you get to it?

Meditation, prayer, therapy?

What I did was post one here a lot read that abandonment to healing book and all of skips articles and read all of 2010s posts listen to a bunch of tool.  Make a fool of myself and fight against that overwhelming gaping hole in my heart. 

Then I surrendered to it and accepted defeat felt a bunch of emotions I didn't want to feel.  And once I removed the story and just let the feelings consume me I started to feel something very faint inside.  I would cycle through struggling over and over untill I would accept defeat once again. Over and over.  Then I found it.  It was me the entire time.  I still feel the feeling and will probably cycle through confusion and all that again and accept defeat again. 

I had to stop fighting and looking for meaning outside of myself.  I had to stop seeking meaning and just surrender to that overwhelming feeling.

[Blimblam]

I want to add that if I could afford therapy I would be In it now. 

I don't think anyone can tell you the answer you have to feel it for yourself.  The article about the 10 beliefs that keeps us stuck or whatever has all of the clues in it.

[Blimblam]

Also skips article about our role in the relationship is extremely valuable. 

When I was ready I looked back over the relationship to figure out my part in it and I found one of my main answers there.  But even doing that I could only see as much as my body would let me. Processing the feeling in my body is what allows my mind to see.

One of main struggles has been an inner conflict with the part of myself that is judge mental and causes me to feel guilt and shame.

And also the role of my pride. 

All I can really give you are clues.

[Blimblam]

The band tool and a perfect circle have the same singer, James Maynard Keenan and that guy has been through this experience.  His lyrics are about the process of healing and what he found.  I highly recommend listen to him and reading the lyrics.  The band is called tool for a reason.  It is a tool for healing and finding the answers.

[amigo]

Thank you for all of the tips. One breath at a time... .

[BorisAcusio]

No, it's certainly not right to label it as love. My point is simply that THEY use the word love, but they are referring to something totally different than what we are referring to. From their perspective they do "love us" in the sense that we are meeting thee needs. We assume they mean by it what we would mean, hence the confusion when they stop "loving us."

Exactly. It's hard to wrap your head around the concept when you just begun to investiagate what happened, so it's may be beneficial to clarify what their perspective of love means in our universe.

[BacknthSaddle]

No, it's certainly not right to label it as love. My point is simply that THEY use the word love, but they are referring to something totally different than what we are referring to. From their perspective they do "love us" in the sense that we are meeting thee needs. We assume they mean by it what we would mean, hence the confusion when they stop "loving us."

Exactly. It's hard to wrap your head around the concept when you just begun to investigate what happened, so it's may be beneficial to clarify what their perspective of love means in our universe.

Yes, understanding this is crucial.  So much of their talk about love makes more sense with this understanding.  Like many of you, I heard from my ex at one point "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." (Of course I got "I'm madly in love with you" a month later).  This is a phrase which makes little sense to me and which I can't imagine actually using.  I think to her it means something like "you are no longer meeting my needs, but you are still good at meeting some of my needs and I might want you to do so in the future."

Agree?

[BorisAcusio]

Yes, understanding this is crucial.  So much of their talk about love makes more sense with this understanding.  Like many of you, I heard from my ex at one point "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." (Of course I got "I'm madly in love with you" a month later).  This is a phrase which makes little sense to me and which I can't imagine actually using.  I think to her it means something like "you are no longer meeting my needs, but you are still good at meeting some of my needs and I might want you to do so in the future."

Agree?

I would translate that same way as you did. 2010 had a phrase that rings painfully true: 

You will never get safety and honesty. So, the thing to do is to devalue and discard your desires for your abuse and terminate the relationship (known as interaction, not relationship) by yourself.

[SeekerofTruth]

Lots of good, excellent insights on this board.

I have mistaken romance + intensity = love.  I have had a very incredibly difficult time recognizing and accepting the gap between words and actions; that there is something about her words that hurt... .so I want to hurt her back worse somewhere deep inside of me, that I can get so peed off... .and can't forgive her completely because the lack of closure I sought is now some along the lines of:  no longer taking it personal, seeing it as a brain disorder.   And being grateful for the truth in that (as posted on another thread) it was the BPD who forced us into seeing reality making us have to grow.  Toughlifelessons #crazywomanriver

[SeekerofTruth]

The sentiment in my expression is "perfectly" and exquisitely captured in the following murder love ballad by Maroon 5 with Lady Antebellum entitled - "Out of Goodbyes" - (3:17) - in this awesome video clip featuring Mr. Honky Tonk himself, Dwight Yoakam.  ToughLifeLessons #crazywomanriver

www.youtube.com/watch?v=umtlAZQ4mmk

[Dutched]

Reminder: she did love you, all the way, completely, a perfect attachment, until she didn't.  Borderlines are incapable of sustained emotions, and as soon as the 'love' storm passed through her it was followed by the 'hate' storm, none of which had anything to do with you.  Serious Mental Illness.

Like P&C I identify with your post.  Knowledge of the disorder can help depersonalize it.

Already a few years before the end of my long R/S I have had support, learned, etc. Which helped to minimize her outburst, which helped me to depersonalize and which made me confident for our future.

Being then early 50, 2 older teenagers, one comes into another stage of life and looking into a future which is settled, etc.

However de devastating way in which she abruptly left can’t make me depersonalize in a way anymore.

Longstanding R/S with a emotional bond and secure financial future is destroyed, I can’t recuperate that anymore, never.

My house would have been free of mortgage last June. Now? I have a mortgage more than double of what I had.

I am forced to sell the house before my retirement, and MUST rent one (never in my whole life I rented a house) I am even forced to use the profit for my pension.   

She? She just bought a house, close to the centre with all facilities nearby, even enabling her to keep it when she is retired…!

What I am trying to say is, I understand and accepted long ago to depersonalize the disorder (but still learning from all members  ).

What I can’t, and after a 3,5 yrs still can’t, is to depersonalize the consequences (family, emotionally, kids, financial) of her destruction.

Love or no love, or I love you, but I'm not in love with you, etc. the R/S itself and all that came with it,  that directly affects me and that is what I have to face as long as I live despite what any disorder caused.