Contacting my friends - a precursor to recycling...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Even before finding this forum and understanding how someone with BPD thinks, I always noticed certain patterns in my ex's behavior after our first split.

>She'd contact one of my friends on Facebook, wanting to talk about me (usually during the summer).

>My friend would pass along my number to her and assure her it was okay to call me, because they didn't want to listen to her ramble about me.

>I'd receive a call from my ex anywhere from 24 hours to six months after this.

>The recycling/idealization phase would happen.

>Followed by our eventual split.

She has absolutely no reason to talk to me anymore. As I've stated in several threads, I started a successful smear campaign against her that circulated very quickly, and destroyed her reputation before she was able to manipulate anybody else into believing her stories. A lot of people on here say their pwBPD always accuses them of ruining their life; in my case, I actually did.

Yet, a former roommate messaged me last night on Facebook that she had been messaging him and asking about me. The two have never met, and the only reason she knows his name is because he had jokingly messaged her when the smear campaign was in full swing over a year ago. She finally replied last night. He is a good enough guy to understand that underneath everything, I'm hurt by her actions, and didn't relay the actual message to me.

I know what this chain events leads to, and I'm unsure how to feel. In the past, she followed the same progression with one of our mutual friends - replying to a message that was months old, and my friend eventually slipped her my new cell number because she had no desire to listen to my ex ramble. Thus began the recycling phase.

It appears this is going to happen again. I'm 21, she's 19, and I've known her since she just turned 15. I'm open to dealing with this situation in a very immature way.

Should I cross my fingers for some sort of genuine apology from her (she appears to be capable of understanding her mistakes)?

Should I prepare for a meltdown of epic proportions (she's prone to them)?

Should I head to the nearest convenience store (pictures don't do her justice and a couple buddies suggested I go for it)?

Wat do?

[.cup.car]

Even before finding this forum and understanding how someone with BPD thinks, I always noticed certain patterns in my ex's behavior after our first split.

>She'd contact one of my friends on Facebook, wanting to talk about me (usually during the summer).

>My friend would pass along my number to her and assure her it was okay to call me, because they didn't want to listen to her ramble about me.

>I'd receive a call from my ex anywhere from 24 hours to six months after this.

>The recycling/idealization phase would happen.

>Followed by our eventual split.

She has absolutely no reason to talk to me anymore. As I've stated in several threads, I started a successful smear campaign against her that circulated very quickly, and destroyed her reputation before she was able to manipulate anybody else into believing her stories. A lot of people on here say their pwBPD always accuses them of ruining their life; in my case, I actually did.

Yet, a former roommate messaged me last night on Facebook that she had been messaging him and asking about me. The two have never met, and the only reason she knows his name is because he had jokingly messaged her when the smear campaign was in full swing over a year ago. She finally replied last night. He is a good enough guy to understand that underneath everything, I'm hurt by her actions, and didn't relay the actual message to me.

I know what this chain events leads to, and I'm unsure how to feel. In the past, she followed the same progression with one of our mutual friends - replying to a message that was months old, and my friend eventually slipped her my new cell number because she had no desire to listen to my ex ramble. Thus began the recycling phase.

It appears this is going to happen again. I'm 21, she's 19, and I've known her since she just turned 15. I'm open to dealing with this situation in a very immature way.

Should I cross my fingers for some sort of genuine apology from her (she appears to be capable of understanding her mistakes)?

Should I prepare for a meltdown of epic proportions (she's prone to them)?

Should I head to the nearest convenience store (pictures don't do her justice and a couple buddies suggested I go for it)?

Wat do?

[Tausk]

So you're an adult and have known each other since you were children.  So you might be her primary attachment?  Is she diagnosed?  :)oes she cut?  :)oes she do other self-harming actions.  You must know about the abuse she suffered at home.   About half of pwBPD will attempt suicide in their lifetime.  Has yours yet?

Read about pwBPD.  You are not responsible for the actions of your gfwBPD.  But your actions can further damage a very mentally ill person, whose emotional state is that of a traumatized three year old.  And your actions can trigger a response that is totally outside of the rational thought process.  

She's already demonstrating an, irrational thought process and lack of self esteem, by trying to reattach to someone who "actually did" ruin her life.  Nothing much else is outside the realm of possibilities.

Outside of your feelings, how are you going to look to your friends and FB community, if the end result of your "drugstore trip to smear campaign" is that she is found in her bathtub with her wrists cut?  

There is nothing to play here.  The Disorder always wins.

 

[.cup.car]

Is she diagnosed?  Does she cut?  Does she do other self-harming actions.  You must know about the abuse she suffered at home.   About half of pwBPD will attempt suicide in their lifetime.  Has yours yet?

   

- From what she's told me, she was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, although I was advised by Kids Help Phone a few years ago that her behavior sounds more like BPD. Other people I'd talked to over the years also advised me she probably has BPD. The more we talked, the more she strayed away from the O.D.D. diagnosis and tried to convince me her parents were conspiring against her.

- She doesn't cut, but she struggles with eating disorders. You could usually tell by her chest size if she was doing okay or not. Promiscuity is an issue. Drug use might be an issue, although I recall her saying a few times: "I need friends who don't do drugs."

- She made up all of the abuse stories. Her sister confirmed this.

- She told me she threatened suicide in arguments with her parents but never seriously considered it, but this was before we'd met (so that puts her at 14 or younger). We live on opposite ends of the city and I have no idea what she's up to during our NC periods.

You are not responsible for the actions of your exwBPD.  But your actions can further damage a very mentally ill person, whose emotional state is that of a traumatized three year old.  And your actions can trigger a response that is totally outside of the rational thought process. She's already demonstrating an irrational thought process and lack of self esteem, by trying to re-attach to someone who "actually did" ruin her life.  Nothing much else is outside the realm of possibilities.

So what's the action to take, if she rings me up, that will cause the least amount of damage?

Outside of your feelings, how are you going to look to your friends and FB community, if the end result of your "drugstore trip to smear campaign" is that she is found in her bathtub with her wrists cut?

Most people already know & understand what happened between us, and the smear campaign was more or less "here are facebook messages and text messages that prove we were seeing each other if she tries to say otherwise, and here's her going off the deep end when I confronted her about her secret online underage lesbian fiancee."

[Tausk]

What you should do is your decision.  My suggestion is to take the situation very seriously.  Learn about the disorder and get out of harms way.  And do not more harm!

FYI, Eating Disorder is self harm.  Suicide is very common for teen girls with these comorbid disorders.  Suggest that you talk to a professional in your community.  Pay the money so that you'll take the issue seriously.

You've posted that you've "ruined her life."  Let's say she kills herself, and an aggressive local DA decides to seek an arrest for you because the cyber bullying from you led to her death.  Or her parents seek a civil law suit against you for harm and damages.  

And whether the abuse was real or not, if she has BPD she believes it's real.  You're dealing with Bat Sh-t Crazy here.  Are you scared?  I would think that you would be because crazy is as crazy does.  And crazy might do anything.    I understand that maybe the trip to the drugstore is a joke, but in reality for someone like your gf who is that young and that low functioning, and with you as a long-term primary partner this is as funny as cancer and statistically much much more deadly for her.  

My suggestion, handle the situation with great caution and mindfulness and maturity.  

And I can almost guarantee, if you decide to do the opposite and decide on "dealing with this situation in a very immature way"  you'll regret that action for a long long time.  Maybe even the rest of your life it will haunt you.   In this lifetime, she might not ever give you peace... .either alive or from the grave.

[fromheeltoheal]

It takes two to recycle; time to exercise some self control and self discipline, decide what you really want, and act accordingly.

Even if you wanted to help her, you do not have the skills or the training, and you're emotionally enmeshed anyway, so it would never work.  The best thing is to stay clear of her and act bored and uninterested if she does show up in some way; she will eventually lose interest and start chasing the next shiny object.  Also, abandoning her is the best thing you could do, since it's the worst thing that can happen to a borderline, so she may feel enough pain over it to seek real help; the chances are low given her age, but we can only hope.  Take care of you!

[Tausk]

Here's a start

   

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

[myself]

So what's the action to take, if she rings me up, that will cause the least amount of damage?

You can say, "I care about you but we're done."

You can not respond at all. Because you're done.

Throwing gas on a fire won't help it cool down.

[.cup.car]

I've had a few days to contemplate what's been said in this thread; I think a lot of it helped. I decided to take the situation seriously.

I gave it some thought, and in the past year alone (when she's had no reason to associate with me):

1. she phoned my mother out of the blue and began asking inappropriate questions about me (where I lived, what I did for work, what my phone number was, when would be a good time to call me... .etc... .)

2. she got a hold of my good buddy's cell # and spent an entire weekend texting him stories about her and I that simply didn't happen - all of these stories were so outrageous that he was able to dismiss them without even asking me. One of these stories featured us going to the bar and her making out with another girl right in front of me to prove she's a lesbian. I don't drink, and was working out of town on the night she said that story occurred. The others followed a similar theme.

3. she recently replied to a year-old message my old roommate had sent her - a message that was intended to rustle her jimmies and not really warrant any sort of response from her at all. Neither I nor my buddy understood why she'd wait over a year to reply to such an insignificant message, or why she'd reply to it at all.

Again, these instances are all within the past year, AFTER she'd claimed she wants nothing to do with me. I thought to myself: Why would she continue to inappropriately contact others about me if she wanted nothing to do with me? Upon looking her up on Facebook, I was shocked to see she'd unblocked me, which made things even weirder.

Since periods of NC followed by an abrupt change of heart on her part are common, I messaged her a somewhat simple question:

Is there something you need to talk to me about? I don't have a problem with you talking to my friends but you gotta understand they don't really know what to say... .

She re-blocked me within a few hours. Never got a response.

In the past, my buddies and I used to laugh at this behavior, but now it's crossed the line from a typical crazy ex story you'd tell over a game of pool, or .cup.car's on-going thing with [REDACTED], to something much more absurd. I personally don't have a problem with her contacting my friends like this, she's only making herself look stupid, but after four and a half years, nobody's finding it funny anymore and it's a bit worrisome considering she's not following up this behavior with the obligatory makeup sex and idealization phase. So what else could be going on here?

Communication lines are still open with her dad, although I'm not too sure what he thinks of me at this point. I screencapped the recent text my buddy sent me about her, and let him know about the inappropriate contact attempts I listed above, plus my failed attempt to confront her. I told him I had no issue with her if she wanted to speak to me directly (let's be honest, she won't), but her continuing to contact others at random and inquire about my personal life is creeping my friends and family out.

Was this the right call?

[Tausk]

Was this the right call?



It's very hard to say what is the right call.  But it sounded like you responded in a healthy thoughtful way.  Be mindful as was stated in the previous post not to put fuel on the fire.   And be careful about enforcing your boundaries without losing your temper.  And depersonalize the situation.  It's not really about you and her.  It's about the Disorder and you.  The Disorder needs an object of attachment to feed on.  Do not let it feed on you.  And just as you would not invite a vampire into your home, do not invite the Disorder into your soul again. 

And, I'm sure it's very difficult for you.  My guess is that at one point you loved your ex, and then the Disorder became too much and besides for her moods and rages, she did some things that may be unforgivable.  At least that's what happened with my ex.  And my anger almost consumed me.  But it gets better and I learned to not take her actions personally.   

I'm glad that you are taking this seriously.  The girl you once loved, and still care for, is very damaged and low functioning.  And if you have been her primary partner, anything you do to hurt her will be multiplied exponentially.  In addition, pwBPD feel so very deeply.  I try and be careful not to let my anger lead me to do anymore damage to my ex. 

Be boring, be firm, keep your boundaries, do not enable, and if you need, be prepared to go NC.  You can not help your ex. She must be willing to seek help herself.  So maintain appropriate boundaries and perhaps let your friends know that they can enforce their own boundaries if they wish.  Remember, a pwBPD who wants to reconnect is like water running down stream.  It will find any possible breach in the blockage and seep into its target.

And, it may get very bad.  She may call on you as she hits bottom, and again, it's very unlikely that you can help her unless it's something like giving her a lift to therapy. 

Hang in there.  You're doing well. 

T

[SWLSR]

Cup

is she upbto something yes.  usudally they try a recycle when they r afraid tbey may have lost you.  She may well have been abused but is lying about who did it.  She want u to be at her disposal when she needs you to be.  so yess she is keeping u handy for hern. its all about her.  yoj have to totally cut her out of ur life forsver to move on with yours.

[.cup.car]

Well, the severity of the situation finally hit me this morning. I took a step back from everything, and despite the fact that she is supposedly a part-time Hollister model, her looks do not give her an excuse to continuously insert herself into my life and cause unnecessary stress with fictional tales of abuse and other BPD-fueled drama.

Her dad did not respond to my message last night, indicating he's either greatly embarrassed or not taking the situation seriously.

I, however, am. Factoring in her previous arrests and miscellaneous violence towards me and her own family members, I feel I have a right to be concerned for my safety, and believe her current behavior is a prelude to something more. i want to make it very clear that she's crossed lines that are very inappropriate.

What is the correct legal action to take to ensure my well-being?

[fromheeltoheal]

Whoa cc!  Definite change in tone from a few days ago, indicates further detachment from her and the fog clearing; good for you!

I'm not an expert in legal things, but a restraining order comes to mind.  People violate restraining orders all the time, but just the fact you got the cops involved will send a strong message to her, which is where the power is, she may get the point.  Beyond that, blocking, changing phone numbers, unfriending on social media, getting all the technology hooks out, and just being smart, safe and aware in general.  Take care of you!

[.cup.car]

What got me out of the "fog" was looking at the timeline of everything.

I met this girl in February of 2010. She was barely fifteen.

We last spoke on good terms in August of 2012.

By August of 2013, she had zero reason to talk to me.

In July of 2014, she is still contacting my friends about me, long after any issues are relevant.

In the past, this light form of stalking has lead to bedroom adventures and brief periods of stability. This time, it has not. That makes me worry. Why would she go through the effort of contacting my family/friends, but not bother to contact me? That's a giant red flag.

She has assaulted me twice in the past, and at one point assaulted her father four times over the course of a month. Knowing what she's capable of, and seeing that she's making irrational decisions when it comes to boundaries with me and my friends, it seems wise to get the police involved.

[.cup.car]

A bit of an update.

I talked with an officer yesterday, and I'm going to pursue the restraining order route. He advised me to gather every piece of evidence I possibly could to build my case as to why I feel a restraining order would be beneficial for my well-being. I simply don't delete Facebook or text messages, so I've been able to go back over four years to the day we first started talking, and hand-pick things she had sent me that caused any amount of mental anguish.

Unfinished, the document is currently 60 pages long (containing everything up to the end of 2012 so far), and I tried cramming as many different pictures on a page as I could. I still need to insert messages from 2013, as well as her recent attempts to talk to my friends/family and inquire about me.

This is the most emotionally draining thing I've ever done, and I feel terrible about it even though several people have advised me it's the right thing to do. I cannot believe the sheer volume of things I ignored or downplayed because she had a pretty face and was into me. I know when it was all happening, I didn't hesitate to joke with my buddies about some of her really out-there behavior because that's what bros do, but seeing it all presented like this makes me sick. On one page, she is claiming she's a lesbian and "doesn't date guys." A few pages later she is inviting me over to her place late at night. On one page, she is raging at me for using the words "back together" in a text because "we NEVER WERE TOGETHER." A few pages earlier, she is reassuring me that she is taking that particular attempt at rekindling our relationship seriously. In one picture, she describes all of the activities her parents took her along for while on vacation in Las Vegas, but then in the same breath says she can't stand them and that they abused her.

The only aspect of this ordeal that I'm worried about, is how her family will react if the courts find my request for a restraining order reasonable. They are from a very affluent community, and I know for a fact my ex's version of events are way out of left field, meaning any sort of decent lawyer who takes her word at face value could possibly hold more weight than a binder full of her ramblings and odd behavior.