Are mutual friends a trigger or a comfort?

[Caredverymuch]

Hello family of supporters,

This week we've had some good discussions here.  Your support is so wonderful and insightful.

Thank you so very much 

I spent time recently with a mutual friend of my expBPD who is well aware of our story.  Known her a long time.  This friend remains in contact with my expBPD daily due to a business r/s.  She has been very kind, supportive, and is completely without experience or awareness of BPD. So you know in her mind and the minds of so many other friends who haven't been thru this type of r/s, they felt quite bad but think it was just the ending of a normal r/s. 

She mentioned something when we were together rather vague about him more related to their r/s.  I have found it must have triggered something within me as today has been " one of those days", a few steps backward emotionally type day, teared up out of no where a few times and found myself thinking about so very many of the truly beautiful shared experiences with my ex.  I also found myself a little more reflective than I should be on the fact that she merely mentioned his name but their interaction sounded like he is pretty happy. 

Listen, I know better about the d/o and am not ruminating about his happiness.  I guess Im just surprised that the brief narrative surfaced something in me. And left me feeling the loss. I thought I was beyond this. 

Have you guys had this type of experience with time spent with mutual friends?

[Caramel]

Hi Caredverymuch   

I have had the same experience. Mutual friends definitely trigger me.

They remind me of the loss. That's true.

I also envy them. The fact that I loved him to bits and he dumped me and  deleted me from his life over night and they still get to see him and are important to him makes me feel jealous,angry, unworthy and sad.

I deleted my ex from my facebook but I also had to deactivate my account not to be triggered by friends in common.

As time passes  by things are going to be easier, I'm sure. But for the time being I think it's wise to stay away from any unnecessary triggers.

It's time to heal. 

[Caredverymuch]

Hi Caredverymuch   

I have had the same experience. Mutual friends definitely trigger me.

They remind me of the loss. That's true.

I also envy them. The fact that I loved him to bits and he dumped me and  deleted me from his life over night and they still get to see him and are important to him makes me feel jealous,angry, unworthy and sad.

I deleted my ex from my facebook but I also had to deactivate my account not to be triggered by friends in common.

As time passes  by things are going to be easier, I'm sure. But for the time being I think it's wise to stay away from any unnecessary triggers.

It's time to heal. 

Caramel, thank you so much for your response and insight.  You know, just like so much here , your words are exactly as I feel.  I appreciate your sharing and I am sorry you experienced this as well.

I feel jealous and unworthy and sad that they get to remain a part of his life after he did the exact thing to me that yours did to you.  I loved him with my entire being.  It was a beautiful warm love like yours. And he just completely up and left me and all the rest that they do after they abandon you. 

This friend and a few others know our story and had told me they are shocked at the ending. They too never anticipated or saw it coming after hearing him profess such adoration of me and seeing all the love between us.  Yes, I do feel just as you said. How can they face these people knowing what they did to us?

You are wise and strong to delete your social media and to keep the momentum going forward in your path to true healing. Keep the good 

[Infared]

Caredverymuch... .I, like so many here have experienced a very similar situation as did you and Caramel and her insights and feelings are right along with mine. I, like you, also have/had a very deep love for my ex pwBPD, and mine lied and abruptly left me to be with someone else and dramatically changed their behavior toward me... .just like she had done to all of those before me, I now can see.

There is something that you are saying that is a flag for me, or that "doesn't ad up", and I don't know if you are aware of how it sounds:

"I spent time recently with a mutual friend of my pwBPD who is well aware of our story." ... but then you go on to say that the person knows nothing about BPD.

My pwBPD lies to and manipulates everyone.  I am certain that none of the mutual people in our lives had the slightest idea of what went on. She lied to everyone about the cheating, etc. A lot of a pwBPD's lying is by omission... .mine painted a rosie picture of herself to everyone, that was far from the truth and told "God knows what" lies about me.

So... .whenever I was in the company of a mutual person, I never knew what lies had been told about me or what lies she had told about herself. She is very attractive and is an EXPERT at playing the "sweet, innocent victim" card... .when she is, and knows she is the liar and the cheater. It is the behavior of a sociopath. I found if I was in the company of any of these people that it was upsetting because it open my wounds of sadness and loss in a real raw way, and I had the horrible knowledge that they too didn't have a clue about our relationship and what really went on. Hell, I don't know what really went on. LOL!

My decision was to basically remove all of those people from my life or avoid contact, as it was too upsetting for me to be around them on too many levels. I had to take care of me and I just chalked it up to collateral damage of all the hurt and chaos that this person had caused in my life.

It was like a tornado, and most people had no idea what had truly gone down... .The whole mess was so heartbreaking. PwPBD cause so much damage, while they appear to most people to merrily go on there way, getting what they want and just use broad brush strokes of lies with no remorse whenever necessary to create their reality.

At least that was my experience.

[Caredverymuch]

Caredverymuch... .I, like so many here have experienced a very similar situation as did you and Caramel and her insights and feelings are right along with mine. I, like you, also have/had a very deep love for my ex pwBPD, and mine lied and abruptly left me to be with someone else and dramatically changed their behavior toward me... .just like she had done to all of those before me, I now can see.

There is something that you are saying that is a flag for me, or that "doesn't ad up", and I don't know if you are aware of how it sounds:

"I spent time recently with a mutual friend of my pwBPD who is well aware of our story." ... but then you go on to say that the person knows nothing about BPD.

My pwBPD lies to and manipulates everyone.  I am certain that none of the mutual people in our lives had the slightest idea of what went on. She lied to everyone about the cheating, etc. A lot of a pwBPD's lying is by omission... .mine painted a rosie picture of herself to everyone, that was far from the truth and told "God knows what" lies about me.

So... .whenever I was in the company of a mutual person, I never knew what lies had been told about me or what lies she had told about herself. She is very attractive and is an EXPERT at playing the "sweet, innocent victim" card... .when she is, and knows she is the liar and the cheater. It is the behavior of a sociopath. I found if I was in the company of any of these people that it was upsetting because it open my wounds of sadness and loss in a real raw way, and I had the horrible knowledge that they too didn't have a clue about our relationship and what really went on. Hell, I don't know what really went on. LOL!

My decision was to basically remove all of those people from my life or avoid contact, as it was too upsetting for me to be around them on too many levels. I had to take care of me and I just chalked it up to collateral damage of all the hurt and chaos that this person had caused in my life.

It was like a tornado, and most people had no idea what had truly gone down... .The whole mess was so heartbreaking. PwPBD cause so much damage, while they appear to most people to merrily go on there way, getting what they want and just use broad brush strokes of lies with no remorse whenever necessary to create their reality.

At least that was my experience.

Infared, your post is so open and I can feel the emotional torment you endured as I too and all here have.  I am so sorry my friend. Yes pBPD just leave mass destruction behind and keep protecting only themselves. Its just so wrong and I don't even care that it is d/o related.  Its wrong.

I have a few mutual friends with him that watched the thing develop start to finish.  They were actually bought into it all by HIM in idealization.  He couldn't keep his deep love for me inside it seemed. He wanted these ppl to not only know, but he almost seemed to want their approval.  You are correct, they are masters of appearing naive, so very sweet and gentle and innocent.  This is how mine still appears and has quite a following of supporters who think he is just an incredible person as such.

So these friends were bought in as others were.  He wanted the world to know about our love.  He did not hide that.   These same ppl were there for me during d/d as I begged them to help me understand what was happening.  They were as confused as I was. And gave logic advise to stay away from him.  But only we here know what was really happening inside us during d/d. It was out of no where behavior and with no " bad" event which caused it.  So the advise they gave was valid but i didnt even know about BPD then. And of course stayed in the cycles of the r/s with the man I loved and was trying so deeply to understand. He was still the innocent sweet man to me and I was trying to support him during what felt like a time of stress for reasons I cannot state here.  Why I thought he was acting distant to me.

Post abandonment these friends continued to support me. Seeing me at my worst.  Having no answers. One friend had known this man his entire life. She was dismayed at his behavior.  He cut her out of his life after he abandoned me too.  Bc she remained "my" friend during the horrific and traumatic discarding with no closure. He saw that as her abandoning him and told her he felt she wasn't there " for him" any longer. Even though she very much was. So he painted this person whom he had known his entire life and had a real and lifelong history with long before I came  along completely black and acts like he no longer knows her either.  She said its as if she sees a man shes known for decades in the same body now but someone siffened out the entire person inside. Hes that cold now to her too. 

No one understands how we feel Infared unless they have unfortunately been in the BPD r/s. No one.  They can say they read about it or they think it sounds awful but no one understand how we are left and all we are left to deal with as a result. The pBPD in life painted a smear in other ways about me and twisted it all back to it being about him.  He continues to act like the gentle sweet lamb.  Most ppl continue to adore him and feel I was somehow responsible for all that occurred.

He has gone merrily on his way and continues painting the bambie personna.  He has never asked mutual friends a thing about me or my wellbeing. Its like opening a raw wound when I hear them speak in ways of admiration or support of him.

[SpringInMyStep]

Coincidentally, our mutual friend is on her way to my place right now to get my ex's stuff. I hope to remain friends with her as we do have things in common, but I also don't want to put her in the middle of things.

We'll see... .

[Infared]

Yes Caredverymuch... .

"Its like opening a raw wound when I hear them speak in ways of admiration or support of him".  Yes my pwBPD gets this review of how sweet and nice she is all the time.  THEY HAVE NO IDEA. And I know for a fact that she has lied to and cheated on EVERY man that I know of that she had any kind of long term relationship with.

I am older than her and a 6'1", capable man... .but who is going to believe anything I have to tell them when she is flitting around, being cutsie, playing innocent victim, whilst lying about EVERYThING to EVERYBODY... It's a waste of time for me to attempt to compete with that. Besides, most people really don't want to, or care to know the truth.  Too much drama and controversy... .so much easier to just buy her ruse.

If they could see videos of her and her new manipulated mate and how they have acted they would not believe it's the same person that is presented to them. I have a hard enough time believing it myself.

Thanks for listen, and for the support and understanding. It's appreciated. 

[hergestridge]

In our household it was like this - my friends were "our friends", my wife's friends were "her friends". For her it was natural that I introduced her to my friends and that she struck up friendship with them if she wanted to. The other way around was just unthinkable.

So now that we have separated the think it's natural to keep socializing with "our friends" (which means my friends), and she also expects to keep in touch my relatives although that is something that I don't want her to do at all.

I would find it stupid to ask her to "stay away from my friends", but I find it very frustrating that she doesn't consider my feelings at all. She knows damn well that I want as little as possible to do with her, but I'm sure I will bump into her at parties thrown by people I've known for 20+ years, who she only knows briefly.

I am not going around badmouthing her, not even to close friends. And I feel she is using that by pretending like everything is OK and that are semi-chums or something.

I would say common friends are more of a trigger than a comfort. I don't want to hear stories from other people about her. I don't want to hear about her at all.

[Caramel]

I'm so sorry for everyone's pain here.

Caredverymuch, your post made me cry. My partner did a lot of things similar to yours. When we first met he was so happy and excited he told everyone about us. Then he broke up with me shortly after which brought with it a lot of embarrassment and shame. Just like yours, it seemed like he needed everyone's approval. He was very suggestible. His behaviour towards me could change within seconds depending on a friend's opinion about me.

After the break up I lost some of my very close friends due to his smearing and also our friends' willingness to believe his stories. He said to two of them who were my only support at the time, that they had failed to prove their friendship to him by remaining my friend. They dumped me too. A lot of my therapy sessions are about helping me grieve the loss of those friends as well as him. Just like yours and Infrared's he is now the sweet innocent victim who everyone takes pride in being a friend of. Now that I know more about BPD, I am guessing that some of his dedicated fans probably had the same unhealthy attachments to him like I did.

Just like Infrared, I am unwilling to prove to people what really happened behind closed doors. I guess somewhere along the way I  lost my voice and the reasons to want to prove anything to anyone. It was futile to want to compete with him.

The good news is that we have each other here. We can talk and be heard  and understood by people who share the same experience. No judgment, no twisting of the words, no manipulation, no threats, no smearing. A healthy safe place to get support and recover.

Let's mend these broken hearts.  

[Reforming]

Hi Cared,

I think after any break up sharing mutual friends can be difficult. Typically they divide like a fault line.

My ex and I were together for a long time and she had been very close to my own family. My parents were very fond of her and she had been my sister's bridesmaid and one of her best friends.

So when we broke up even though I was very angry and hurt I recognised that it wasn't right or fair to expect my friends and family to end their relationships with her.

And I told them that and I told her they would like her to keep in contact.

A few months after the break up one of my closest friends met her for coffee and when he spoke about her afterwards I was badly triggered

I realised that I needed safety and space to heal so I tried to establish healthy boundaries by asking my friends and family not to discuss my post break up situation with my ex, or report any conversations they'd had with her.

This helped me feel safe, discouraged me from asking them questions about her and helped me establish no contact.

Fortunately for me she ended up ended up breaking all contact with my family and most of our friends.

Just after we broke up she told me that her family had told her to stay away from me.

I assume that she probably smeared me    but I never contacted her family to find out.

It was sad but like many BPDs she didn't maintain really close friendships and I recognised that she needed to feel safe and supported as well

Reforming

[seeking balance]

Have you guys had this type of experience with time spent with mutual friends?

Mutual friends really pushed my buttons - I had to let go to more than I really wanted too.  Over time, I have run across some and caught up and such without it being triggering, but it took a lot of time... .much more than I every thought it would honestly.

When we are deeply hurt, core level - which is what a BPD relationship tends to push - our core ... .any little nudge to that core can hurt also.    Notice what you feel, challenge the feeling, feel it and let it go; processing the next level even when we think we are done, happens to us all at times.

Peace,

SB

[Caredverymuch]

Have you guys had this type of experience with time spent with mutual friends?

Mutual friends really pushed my buttons - I had to let go to more than I really wanted too.  Over time, I have run across some and caught up and such without it being triggering, but it took a lot of time... .much more than I every thought it would honestly.

When we are deeply hurt, core level - which is what a BPD relationship tends to push - our core ... .any little nudge to that core can hurt also.    Notice what you feel, challenge the feeling, feel it and let it go; processing the next level even when we think we are done, happens to us all at times.

Peace,

SB

thank you seeking. your words and shared experience are so valued. so sad bc the mutual friends are the ones who stuck by me during the devastation even though they had no idea how to help or make sense of what this man was doing to me. they still can't make sense of the whole thing. now they are triggers too.

yes, being hurt at the core level is a difficult and timely process to heal. i do notice what i feel. i sadly have to stay away from all triggers for a while yet which includes the potential to even hear his name mentioned. i can often feel the pit in my stomach and the little bit of anxiety resuming. as we have said so often, it's extremely difficult to recover from being truly abandoned. it really is unfair too bc i may have some sort of inner child who was awakened by this interaction but i never felt the feeling of being abandoned. that was his gig. it's like he left me with that parting gift.

[Caredverymuch]

Yes Caredverymuch... .

"Its like opening a raw wound when I hear them speak in ways of admiration or support of him".  Yes my pwBPD gets this review of how sweet and nice she is all the time.  THEY HAVE NO IDEA. And I know for a fact that she has lied to and cheated on EVERY man that I know of that she had any kind of long term relationship with.

I am older than her and a 6'1", capable man... .but who is going to believe anything I have to tell them when she is flitting around, being cutsie, playing innocent victim, whilst lying about EVERYThING to EVERYBODY... It's a waste of time for me to attempt to compete with that. Besides, most people really don't want to, or care to know the truth.  Too much drama and controversy... .so much easier to just buy her ruse.

If they could see videos of her and her new manipulated mate and how they have acted they would not believe it's the same person that is presented to them. I have a hard enough time believing it myself.

Thanks for listen, and for the support and understanding. It's appreciated. 

Yes, infared, you are correct. too much drama all around. that drama and controversy and manipulations were another wonderful element of the BPD interaction, ey?

no one would believe who they are when no one is looking. it's taken me a long time to convince myself that the person we had behind closed doors is really the person underneath the mask. we were so gaslighted during idealization and soon arriving d/d that we could only see the false self. the beautiful mask.  the person under the mask is saved for only those of who stick around long enough... .out of love.

Sorry for your shared painful experience and so grateful for your support infared.

[seeking balance]

i can often feel the pit in my stomach and the little bit of anxiety resuming.

There are still a few people who even a year ago I would feel this way if I see them.  As a matter of fact, about 2 months ago, I saw one of them at the beach, I did NOT have the anxiety feeling, but I also did not go chat, I am just in a different place now.  I didn't ruminate or post about it, the thought was gone by the time I got home, heck, I just remembered it now with no residual feelings ... .but I have been around a little bit of time too 

We are grieving a lot more than a failed relationship in all of this - be kind to yourself as you go through this process.  It will get better, honestly.   

[Huh?]

The mutual friend who introduced me to my uBPD ex fiance, has been giving me the silent treatment since the break up in addition to my ex fiance.  I contacted her to let her know that I was sorry things didnt work out, and that I tried my best to make her happy.  Silence was her response.  I emailed her again, silence.

What I dont understand is, why our mutual friend, who thought highly enough of me to introduce me to her friend, would now act as I am the devil?  It definitely hurts and compounds the pain.