The fallout

[Vatz]

I'm generally feeling better now. Not skittish about noises in the hallway, and not afraid of her bursting in. Although I found a few articles that belong to her, I can still return them. If she comes back, I can just hand them to her, no need for boxes and whatnot.


How I'm feeling after her suicide attempt. I heard her say "I'm Sorry" from my bedroom while I was in the living room.

I lay in bed these days, still laying on "my side." All the stuff months prior to her leaving me and trying to kill herself. It all feels like some strange dream. Only months ago we would sometimes lay in the same bed. I slept in the living room more often than not after a while. At first I thought it was because I stayed up, played games, watched shows and didn't want to wake her barging into the bedroom.

But she'd be skyping late at night, with her laptop on the bed, falling asleep while someone was on screen. I think I just didn't want to lay next to her knowing that. It was almost like someone else was in my bed. I didn't want to be near her. I know BPD's can just use people interchangeably, and that's how I felt. Interchangeable.

"I'm Sorry" by that point rang hollow.

Now my apartment feels so empty without her. The hallways leading to the bedroom seems smaller somehow, and the whole place just feels wrong somehow.

I have to move on.

[OutOfEgypt]

Sorry, man.  I know this feeling well.  It gets better.  Maybe sell some of the things and buy some new things?  Maybe move and do a fresh start?  I let my ex take many of the house's things for that very reason.  I let her take all of the bedroom furniture, for example.  No, thanks -I don't want the bed she humped another guy on.  No, thanks -don't want the dresser that sat in the room while that happened.  No, thanks -I don't want to wake up feeling like I'm in the same life, still.  Because I'm not!  New life!  Make it so!

[Overbeck]

The last thing from her in my possession was a book of the collective works of Shakespeare. She gave me this early in our relationship. Mirroring? Probably.

During our many break ups I thought of tossing the book on to her lawn as an affirmation that I wanted her out of my life. I never did it.

When our last, and I hope it's the actual last, blow up happened in June, I purged everything from her that was in my possession, except this book.

Have you seen the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? You need to get rid of EVERYTHING from your ex to truly remove them from your mind.

Last week I went to a friend's birthday party. I gave him the Shakespeare book because he's a fan of the Bard as I am. I told him why I was giving him the book. He was happy to help.

You have to rid yourself of as many things that has the residue of your ex that you can. Try one item a day. Make it a goal. I'm not great but I'm better---removing her cancer from my presence has helped me significantly.

Don't quit.

[Vatz]

Moving out ain't an option, sadly. Plus I happen to like the apartment, I painted it mostly myself. Picked the colors. My mom wanted to help and protested when I picked a burgundy red for the bedroom. With the wood furniture, and some old bronze metals, it looks antique-like. No, I'm not throwing away the work I put into *my* home over her. Yeah, I purged the main stuff. It'll be enough.

Just gotta go out and make more memories. Pleasant, funny, geeky, and loving memories.

I'm definitely tossing out the computer desk. Gonna get a new one. With some color. I might repaint the living room in a year, give it the old-school late 19th century feel, I already have a cowskin on the wall. Took an hour to pick it.


There may need to be some things she gave me that I'll have to toss out. Definitely some shirts. Don't want to part with my cthulhu t shirt, but the con I wore it too sucked. She abandoned me there, too. Text some ___h***.

I think when I come home from my folks, and go to bed, I'll sprawl out in the middle. Yeah.

[OutOfEgypt]

You've got the right idea.  Make it yours.  Soon you will feel more of your own feet underneath you.  It gets better.  :)uring our final recycle, I let her have the mattress.  I got myself a new one with a simple metal frame.  I LOVE it.  I sleep so well on it.  And it's mine.   It's in the small, simple things.

[OutOfEgypt]

Yes, and keep those new ideas and goals coming.  That is all part of it, too.  You begin to envision something new for yourself... .something that is yours, which you are in charge of, which you can bring to fruition.  A new vision, even in the smallest of details of what your place is like.  I have all kinds of plans for what to do with my house.  I can't afford it , but I will get there!

[Tausk]

I'm generally feeling better now. Not skittish about noises in the hallway, and not afraid of her bursting in. Although I found a few articles that belong to her, I can still return them. If she comes back, I can just hand them to her, no need for boxes and whatnot.


How I'm feeling after her suicide attempt. I heard her say "I'm Sorry" from my bedroom while I was in the living room.

I lay in bed these days, still laying on "my side." All the stuff months prior to her leaving me and trying to kill herself. It all feels like some strange dream. Only months ago we would sometimes lay in the same bed. I slept in the living room more often than not after a while. At first I thought it was because I stayed up, played games, watched shows and didn't want to wake her barging into the bedroom.

But she'd be skyping late at night, with her laptop on the bed, falling asleep while someone was on screen. I think I just didn't want to lay next to her knowing that. It was almost like someone else was in my bed. I didn't want to be near her. I know BPD's can just use people interchangeably, and that's how I felt. Interchangeable.

"I'm Sorry" by that point rang hollow.

Now my apartment feels so empty without her. The hallways leading to the bedroom seems smaller somehow, and the whole place just feels wrong somehow.

I have to move on.

\

Hey Vatz:   Thanks for sharing.  This was beautifully written.  It helps me to understand that I am not alone.  I understand everyone of your feelings.  It's almost unbelieveable that my ex once lived in my house.  I still find her stuff in the corners... .She planted mint,tha grows everywhere.  It would take two or three lifetimes to pull it all out, so I have to think of her everytime I look at the mint.  And she knew what she was doing by planing the mint.

And yes the emptiness is very real.  But for me that's because I made my ex the meaning of my life.  I used her to fill the void inside of me.  But it was a mistake.  No other person can fill the void in me.  And especially one who is so deeply Disordered.  I've had to find my genuine self, and fill the void with meaning in my life that was real.  My ex was never real.

But it hurts, and it's lonely, and it's caustically cold to feel that void.  But it does get better, if we work at our recovery. 

Know that you're not alone.  That your pain is unique to you, but the experience fits a pattern.  And this is good, because we can find a way out and find ourselves.  The people on this side of the board are good, strong, courageous people of character.  And in that's what will make all the difference for us.

Keep hope and faith strong, because with our new found awareness, we have the tools to be whom we always wanted to be.

In support,

T

[Traumatized]

I know I let her take all of the bedroom furniture, for example.  No, thanks -I don't want the bed she humped another guy on.  No, thanks -don't want the dresser that sat in the room while that happened.  

Reminds me of the Alice Cooper song "Burning our bed."