mom wants to move in with me

[ugh1982]

My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship. It's kind of like there's a cyclone of crazy swirling around her at all times. She gets in drunken fights with people, doesn't respect boundaries at all, and is always, always right. When there's something she wants--she can be the best mother. If she doesn't get it--she thinks people are evil or plotting against her. Recently she's been having catastrophic financial and legal problems. She wants to live with my family, and I don't know what to do.  If she does, it will be a countdown to an explosion. I can't let my kids see grandma hit their parent. She hides beer and vodka all over the house. The last time she stayed over, she let a pot of food cook so long and burn that it could've started a fire. If she doesn't move in with us, she's going to be on the streets. I can't afford an apartment for her. I don't know what to do.

[Kwamina]

Hi ugh1982   and welcome to bpdfamily. You are having to deal with a difficult situation with your mother. The way you describe her behavior and problems with alcohol, I fully understand why you wouldn't want her living with you. Having said that, she's still your mother of course and it's only normal that you don't want to see her suffer. The way you put it, there are only two options. Either she moves in with you or she's going to be on the streets. Maybe you can try to explore any possible other solutions. Are your mother's financial problems really that bad that there is absolutely no way left for her to solve them without having to be on the streets? Do you perhaps have any other relatives that could help you and/or your mother so you wouldn't have to go through this alone? Maybe she could stay with other relatives so the burden wouldn't be solely on your shoulders... .

[ugh1982]

No, it's really that bad. My family's not very close. My have another family member that tried to help her last year, and is now in about $50,000 worth of debt and completely tapped her retirement--for basically nothing. My mom's not retirement aged, but because of her record has a hard time getting a job. If she comes to live with us, she wants to basically act like a substitute spouse. Maybe I could get a better paying job, and give her the difference. 

[Kwamina]

You're in a tough position here. Your mother's behavior really sounds like something you wouldn't want in your home, especially since there are children there too. That's why I hope you or I should say your mother, will find another solution  for her problems that doesn't involve her staying with you.

You say that you have always had a difficult relationship with your mother. At what point did you start to think there might be something wrong with her? Has your mother ever been in any kind of therapy?

You also point out that your mother doesn't respect boundaries at all. That unfortunately is true for many people with BPD, yet boundaries are very important if you want to have any kind of a relationship with a BPD loved one. How do you react when your mother doesn't respect your boundaries? And do you feel like setting and enforcing boundaries with your mother is something you are comfortable with? Perhaps it will help to read some information we got on this website about boundaries:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Examples of boundaries

[ugh1982]

I think i knew there was something wrong when I was 12 or 13. My step dad has bipolar, and there was so much craziness with him that a lot of my mom's weirdness went unchecked. There was one time I took my sister for a walk in our neighborhood, and she got mad because we went past a house with a big dog. Nothing happened, but she beat me for being careless after she found out. I knew way too much about my parent's relationship and sex life. All about their financial problems. All I wanted was to run away.

My mother hasn't been to any therapy. She won't discuss any problems. I complained about her drinking last year trying to set down some boundaries. She said I didn't really think it was a problem, and she thinks I'm being cruel. That I want my kids to love me more... .? Umm, ok. We didn't talk for 3 months after that. I tried to talk to her about boundaries today, and she said I was hurting her feelings by not welcoming her unconditionally. Hung up the phone on me screaming. 

[formflier]

I think i knew there was something wrong when I was 12 or 13. My step dad has bipolar, and there was so much craziness with him that a lot of my mom's weirdness went unchecked. There was one time I took my sister for a walk in our neighborhood, and she got mad because we went past a house with a big dog. Nothing happened, but she beat me for being careless after she found out. I knew way too much about my parent's relationship and sex life. All about their financial problems. All I wanted was to run away.

My mother hasn't been to any therapy. She won't discuss any problems. I complained about her drinking last year trying to set down some boundaries. She said I didn't really think it was a problem, and she thinks I'm being cruel. That I want my kids to love me more... .? Umm, ok. We didn't talk for 3 months after that. I tried to talk to her about boundaries today, and she said I was hurting her feelings by not welcoming her unconditionally. Hung up the phone on me screaming. 

Ugh1982,

I'm glad you are here... .and I feel for the position that you are in. 

You've found the right place... .we can help you get educated about the situation that you are really in... .and the skills you may need if you want to pull something like this off.

Then you can make a decision about if having her move in is a good idea... .and a wise move for your family.

Can you tell me more about the family that lives in your house? 

Can you tell me about how much time it will be before she is on the street?

At this point I can't say which way is right... .but I implore you to educate yourself first on this site... .and let some senior members here guide you about how to evaluate your options.

Again... welcome... .many here have made decisions like this... .and you can benefit from their knowledge.

[Kwamina]

Hi again ugh1982,

Thanks for providing this background information! You have been through a lot with your mom and stepdad, I'm very sorry you were treated this way. Many of our members with a BPD parent have had a rough childhood. I suggest you also take a look around on the coping and healing board for people managing a relationship with a BPD relative. Many of the members on that board will be able to relate to your situation and give you advice on how to approach things with your mother. You might also want to take a look at the survivor's guide for children who suffered childhood abuse, you'll find this guide to the right of the coping and healing board.

[ugh1982]

Thank you for all your help. My family is me and kids. My husband and I got divorced about two years ago. One of my children has special needs requires a lot of extra help/medical care. My mother has until Halloween to figure out what she's going to do. Another family member tried to help my mom last year, and they just ended up in court. I don't know whose story to believe about how it got that bad, but I do know that there was no contract or agreement between them. My mom is angry/hurt because I didn't offer unconditionally that she could stay with us. I can understand where she's coming from, but I know that I can count the days until something happens. It always does... .

[formflier]

Thank you for all your help. My family is me and kids. My husband and I got divorced about two years ago. One of my children has special needs requires a lot of extra help/medical care. My mother has until Halloween to figure out what she's going to do. Another family member tried to help my mom last year, and they just ended up in court. I don't know whose story to believe about how it got that bad, but I do know that there was no contract or agreement between them. My mom is angry/hurt because I didn't offer unconditionally that she could stay with us. I can understand where she's coming from, but I know that I can count the days until something happens. It always does... .

What is the r/s (relationship) between you and the ex husband. 

How many kids?... ages?

Halloween... .ok... we have time?

Please give us some more information about happens at halloween time?

Also more information about what happened with other family trying to help and ending up in court.

Thanks for the post and keep them coming... .we'll be able to guide you better

[ugh1982]

Hello again... .my kids are 5 and 8. My ex is basically totally out of the picture. My mom will be evicted after Halloween. The court case was about my family member buying a house with my mom. Whole situation is crazy... .I've tried to stay out the the "he said, she said". I guess I'll talk with the rest of my family about what we'll do, but everyone else is pretty mad with her.

[formflier]

Hello again... .my kids are 5 and 8. My ex is basically totally out of the picture. My mom will be evicted after Halloween. The court case was about my family member buying a house with my mom. Whole situation is crazy... .I've tried to stay out the the "he said, she said". I guess I'll talk with the rest of my family about what we'll do, but everyone else is pretty mad with her.

so... a kid or couple kids bought a house with your mom and it didn't work out.  And now she is getting kicked out after the foreclosure?

Tell me about your mom's sources of income.

do you rent or own your own home?

[Deb]

Please don't make any decisions now. You are in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  You need to take a breather. Than think about what you can live with. If you decide she can't be with you and she becomes homeless, will you be able to deal with that? If she lives with you and causes harm to your children, can you live with THAT? Think everything through, carefully. Also, call some of the places that have resources for alcoholics, mentally ill, homeless etc and see what they have to offer. Maybe go to am ALAnon meeting if you inclined to. Right now, everything looks dire. But maybe there are alternatives that yoiu don't know about. You don't have to make a decision right now. I know that sometimes people with BPD want an answer rightthisminute, but it doesn't mean you have to give one. Also, remember, in the scheme of things, your minor children are you first obligation. What is best for them?

[HappyChappy]

My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship... .crazy swirling... .She gets in drunken fights ... .catastrophic financial and legal problems.

Noo.   Unless she's not BPD and might change, why would you want her to move in ? You and your kids come first. Anyway a BPD isn't fussy about who gives them attention, where as your kids are bothered.

[sophiegirl]

Hi

From what you have said I really think you need to put you and your children first and not have your mother staying with you. Once she has moved in how easy will it be to get her to move out if things get unbearable? My own mother announced a few years ago that she was going to come and live with us - she told everyone I had pleaded with her to come and live with us. After living with us for about 6 months she now lives next door but it has changed our lives hugely. She sulks when we go out without her - she expects to be invited and included in everything we do. We rarely go on holiday as she won't stay on her own, when we have insisted she has mamnaged to harm herself to I presume prevent us from leaving.

Its very hard and my kids avoid her as much as possible and I am often left feeling resentful. setting boundaries is a fine idea but she can always find a way of manipulating them or bending the truth.

Sorry I don't know what the solution is but I think you have to say no to her.

[Ziggiddy]

Oh my - what a terrible position you are in, ugh. It's like a rock and a hard place isn't it? Like you I had a time where my uBPDm wanted to move in with my family. Unlike yours she doesn't drink a lot.

In the end I thought and thought and thought. In my heart I really didn't want to live with her again but like you I couldn't stand the thought of her suffering. All of her FOO were either passed away or overseas and our families (her kids) so alienated, dysfunctional, or angry none of us wanted to step up. Like you I have young kids - in fact very similar ages.

In the end nobody can make the decision for you but it is a situation in which every solution will cause pain to someone.

As an adult child of a BPDm you are no doubt used to that person being you. But in the end you are only obligated as far as you wish to be. It is YOUR life. You live by the consequences of your own decisions same as we all do. Same as she does.

Obviously I don't know your mum but mine is in the business of making everyone responsible for her in as  many ways as possible.

My parents business went bankrupt sometime ago and they lost everything including the family home. I worked for them so I also lost my job and my income and a heap of my stuff.

My dad got a job 1000kms away and was gone in a matter of weeks. That left me with the problem - how do I take care of my mum and my little sister? I couldn't afford it - broke, jobless living in a tiny condemned house. In the end I made a decision to just let things take their course. I was stunned and surprised by how resourceful she suddenly got in the face of the withdrawal of the entire family and many close friends. (of course there was acrimony and recrimination - hysterics, histrionics and painful lashing out at all of us)

Now I am by no means telling you what to do, but I really believe that we all have a degree of our own responsibility and the consequences of our choices. And we don't know just how resourceful we can be when our back's to the wall.

I do agree with Deb that it is important that you take time out and try not to be influenced by guilt or obligation.

It really IS your life, ugh and you should do what you REALLY want to do.

Best of luck and please keep us posted on what you think of and decide to do.

Ziggiddy