Post Traumatic Stress.

[blubee]

 my uBPD dad was terrifying to the point that all of us had to watch our every move.  I learned to calculate my words just right and not show certain emotions.  As a little girl, he would try to hold back his violence (he was ashamed of it) but would speak in this sticky sweet tone to overcompensate.  Deep down I knew he was faking and ready to explode.  So, even now if I think someone is being "nice" and not sincere I have a disgust in my heart toward them.  I am guilty of this behavior too though.  Becoming a kiss ass to be on a person's good side.  Or avoiding them.  I know this is pts and it is not fair for me to assume these things. 

So now I have deep deep shame over my "negative emotions".  I ALWAYS feel shame.  If I think I have hurt someone's feelings I am in turmoil and I obsess over it.   I felt I was responsible for his happiness.  I hate my dad for this.  I hate him to the point that I would rather not have been born then have the opportunity at life through him. 

I could never feel anger at him until now.  I suppressed it and worked so hard at pleasing him because I didn't want him to hate me!  Sorry for sounding melodramatic.  I feel like a little girl who wants to slam my bedroom door in my parents faces and tell them to ___ off. 

I am in therapy and just scratching the surface.  I would really like to hear how others on here coped in the healing process.  I am losing my mind.  :'(

[Kwamina]

Hi blubee,

Thanks for sharing this difficult post.

my uBPD dad was terrifying to the point that all of us had to watch our every move.  I learned to calculate my words just right and not show certain emotions.  As a little girl, he would try to hold back his violence (he was ashamed of it) but would speak in this sticky sweet tone to overcompensate.  :)eep down I knew he was faking and ready to explode.

This is one aspect of having a BPD parent that really stressed me out, always having to be on guard and looking for any warning signs of a possible attack. I can really relate to how you describe your dad faking it and holding back his violence while you were still very well aware of all the rage that was just below the surface.

So, even now if I think someone is being "nice" and not sincere I have a disgust in my heart toward them.

In many ways I’d say my uBPD sis is just like your father when it comes to explosive rage and covering it up with a lot of fakeness. To be honest when my sister insincerely tries to portray herself as a sweet person, especially to outsiders, it really disgusts me too. Often when I think about her I experience a real physical sensation of disgust and revulsion. The explosive rage is bad enough but the fakeness and insincerity anger me even more.

So now I have deep deep shame over my "negative emotions".  I ALWAYS feel shame.  If I think I have hurt someone's feelings I am in turmoil and I obsess over it.   I felt I was responsible for his happiness.

Do you feel shame because you believe your negative emotions are wrong? Considering the things you’ve been through I’d say you might be a little too hard on yourself here. You have identified and clearly articulated an aspect of yourself that you might want to work on and I believe that’s actually a good thing because by acknowledging your issues you can start to work on them.

I feel like a little girl who wants to slam my bedroom door in my parents faces and tell them to off.  

This actually quite adequately sums up how I often feel about my own uBPD mother I think many of our members have also often felt this way and probably often still do. In a sense we children of BPD parents are still little kids because many of our needs as children hadn’t been met by our parents and now we as adults have got to try to deal with that loss. Growing up we weren’t allowed to do this because everything was about them and now that we’re adults, the little kids inside of us finally have the chance to express how they really feel.

I am losing my mind.  :'(

You might not wanna hear this, but feeling like you’re losing your mind is actually often a part of the healing process  Keep in mind though that it’s ‘just’ a feeling. You might feel like you’re losing your mind but that doesn’t have to mean that this actually is the case. Based on your post I would say that it’s highly likely that you’ve uncovered some new levels and are being taken to places you hadn’t been before or had shut off for yourself. This might feel like you’re losing your mind but I believe that as you go through this stage, you will (eventually) feel better and stronger. Take care blubee on your continued journey towards healing  

[HappyChappy]

blubee totaly relate to all you've spoken off. But after 6 months of working through it, my symptoms have subsided. It's good you're angry with your BPD dad, and so you should be. I would listen to teanage angst music in my angry phase.

It's great you're in Therapy, because they can speed up the healing process, and you need someone to tell all the rubbish you put up with. Feeling your losing your mind is also part of it all. So in time your disgust for people being "nice" may turn into annoyance. By the way, the fact you might be disgusted by my nice responce, doesn't realy bother me (it use to).

[Angi]

Hi bluebee,

It´s so difficult not to feel ashamed because of negative emotions. I always make the experience that everybody expects me to be nice and caring towards my parents. They always ask how they are and I always answer: “They are fine” or “I don´t know”, because I don´t want to say “They don´t care, so why should I?”  I feel so mean and guilty.

Today they are old and my mum tries to avoid conflicts. As long as they can help themselves we don´t have too much trouble and we can avoid each other. But the mum she used to be is following me wherever I go.

What about your mum? Does she stick to your dad?

[cuddlebear83]

I just wanted to chime in that there's light on the other side.   I also have an bPD father and can relate to being in guard for attacks.   I had a lot of anxiety and fear of authority growing up and I'm just now understanding why.

When I first faced the abuse and really stepped out of denial about 6 months ago,  I had significant anxiety,  panic attacks,  crying spells, and depression.   I felt pretty disorganized in my thoughts and I was low functioning for a month or two.  Through therapy,  hard work through the issues, and the support of my husband,  I'm doing much better now.

Hang in there.  This part is rough but it gets better.   It is worth it.   For me,  When I feel weak or like my abuse was no big deal, I think back to those first couple of months and realize I don't want to go back to that again.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Blubee,

I am glad you have joined us all here, to share your journey with us. For me this journey to wholeness began with very little understanding or concept of how challenging it would become. All the things that made up who I am began to unravel and I felt myself floundering, afloat, unable to grab ahold of who I was anymore.

I am in therapy and just scratching the surface.  I would really like to hear how others on here coped in the healing process.  I am losing my mind.  :'(

I too thought I was losing my mind more than once during those first months of therapy. I'm about 2 years into my walk, still learning every day. Oftentimes one discovery lead to another and another until I felt like I was entering an ever deeper black hole. Fortunately I took one step at a time, my therapist walking with me through each revelation, each discovery, each new feeling experienced and identified, and I can tell you it does ease up although I wondered if it ever would. You too will get there-don't despair! We are all here to help you.

To have patience with yourself is probably one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself right now. Stay in therapy if at all possible for it is not a journey for the faint hearted nor one to walk alone. 

Just discovering that you are feeling shame is a huge, positive step because many of us didn't even recognize a feeling when it marched by right in front of us! What other discoveries have you made recently?

Woolspinner

[P.F.Change]

So now I have deep deep shame over my "negative emotions".  I ALWAYS feel shame.  If I think I have hurt someone's feelings I am in turmoil and I obsess over it.   I felt I was responsible for his happiness.  I hate my dad for this.  I hate him to the point that I would rather not have been born then have the opportunity at life through him. 

It sounds like you are learning to feel anger. The feelings you describe above reflect that. Anger is not a bad emotion, though it was probably unsafe for you to show or acknowledge your anger growing up. Now that you are an adult with the support of a therapist, it is becoming safe for you to really examine your feelings. It is okay to feel angry. I think it is also a good thing that you have a therapist to help you work through this stage, because there can be a danger of liking the power of anger so much we get stuck there. But in the meantime, I think it will be an important step to allow yourself to feel your feelings without judging them.

I think the shame you feel goes hand-in-hand with the anger you were not allowed to feel. I think all of us here have had to deal with deep feelings of shame. You might like to read through this feature thread from earlier in the year: Healing - Shame in Adulthood and How We Move Forward as Children of pwBPD. Learning how to place responsibility where it belongs (Step 5---> will help with the next step of not turning your anger against yourself (Step 6). The process is not always linear, but the Survivor's Guide does help us see that we don't have to do everything all at once. There is a process and there is light at the end.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[blubee]

I can't tell you how grateful I am for all of your responses   .  I have not talked to anyone until now who experienced similar childhood experiences. 

This is one aspect of having a BPD parent that really stressed me out, always having to be on guard and looking for any warning signs of a possible attack. I can really relate to how you describe your dad faking it and holding back his violence while you were still very well aware of all the rage that was just below the surface.

Do you ever find yourself having irrational fear of people because of this?  When I am around people too long I find my brain shutting down and needing to disconnect and run.  This has never been so acute until the last five years or so. 

The explosive rage is bad enough but the fakeness and insincerity anger me even more.

Thank you for telling me that.  I have a lot of guilt for feeling this way.  Especially since I struggle with the same tendencies.  The fakeness and insincerity is like a trigger. I always see it to be a precursor to the inevitable.  Someone may be a genuinely non violent person, but I guard myself.  And I wonder about their possible "other side" behind closed doors. 

Do you feel shame because you believe your negative emotions are wrong?

Yes the shame is all about that.  In my therapy, I have began to understand that the negative emotions aren't wrong, but it's only on an intellectual level for me so far.

You might not wanna hear this, but feeling like you’re losing your mind is actually often a part of the healing process  

I wish I understood this years ago

blubee totaly relate to all you've spoken off. But after 6 months of working through it, my symptoms have subsided. It's good you're angry with your BPD dad, and so you should be. I would listen to teanage angst music in my angry phase.

It's great you're in Therapy, because they can speed up the healing process, and you need someone to tell all the rubbish you put up with. Feeling your losing your mind is also part of it all. So in time your disgust for people being "nice" may turn into annoyance. By the way, the fact you might be disgusted by my nice responce, doesn't realy bother me (it use to).

It's so good to hear that your symptoms subsided because this is my goal.  Are you still in therapy?  Are you more at peace in this phase of your recovery? I have loved angsty headbanger music my whole life No doubt, this music helped me to feel the anger I thought I wasn't allowed to feel.  Happychappy I am not at all disgusted by your nice response.  In fact I gravitate and am drawn to people who have a sweet spirit.  It's when it's mixed with an agitated undertone and tense body language.  But unfortunately I can meet someone who I feel is genuine and then my mind plays tricks on me.  And I think the worst about what they could be hiding. 

It´s so difficult not to feel ashamed because of negative emotions. I always make the experience that everybody expects me to be nice and caring towards my parents. They always ask how they are and I always answer: “They are fine” or “I don´t know”, because I don´t want to say “They don´t care, so why should I?”  I feel so mean and guilty.

Today they are old and my mum tries to avoid conflicts. As long as they can help themselves we don´t have too much trouble and we can avoid each other. But the mum she used to be is following me wherever I go.

What about your mum? Does she stick to your dad?

 

Its seems like children have a natural loyalty to their parents.  And such a pure love toward them.  Maybe this is why we have so much guilt being angry at them.  the guilt seems to also be from the extreme manipulation and brainwashing.  And I say this with the understanding that my dad was brainwashed himself.  But when I stop analyzing and intellectualizing, I sit with the deep heartbreak and the emotion is so raw.   

My mom stayed with my dad until he passed away two years ago.  She is also uBPD but not a violent one.  More like the emotional slave type, but definitely had her own control issues.  Was your mom pretty controlling of your life?

[blubee]

When I first faced the abuse and really stepped out of denial about 6 months ago,  I had significant anxiety,  panic attacks,  crying spells, and depression.   I felt pretty disorganized in my thoughts and I was low functioning for a month or two.  Through therapy,  hard work through the issues, and the support of my husband,  I'm doing much better now.

wow I really relate to this.  This is exactly what is happening to me.  I cry easily and feel like a little girl.  I can't even have regular conversations with people I used to talk to on a regular basis.  but, the depression and anxiety has always been there, but I was just a higher functioning person.  I lost my last job because of the panic attacks.  I would get scared and drive home and not tell anyone.  And I have become a bit agoraphobic.  I try to take long nature walks to ground me.  I love mother nature.  I look forward to some mental stability.  I also have had a fear of authority.  Do you struggle with performance anxiety?

I too thought I was losing my mind more than once during those first months of therapy. I'm about 2 years into my walk, still learning every day. Oftentimes one discovery lead to another and another until I felt like I was entering an ever deeper black hole. Fortunately I took one step at a time, my therapist walking with me through each revelation, each discovery, each new feeling experienced and identified, and I can tell you it does ease up although I wondered if it ever would. You too will get there-don't despair! We are all here to help you.

this is good to hear I am in this black hole right now.  And my usual behaviors want to kick in and pretend I am not in this place.  but I can't do it anymore.  My therapist told me that it seems my armor has come off.  And it's a good thing sowe can work through the wounding.  But the problem is that I feel humiliated constantly.  I run from people and blush uncontrollably for the silliest things.  But I see you are right.  these are discoveries.  And I have to take care of that little girl self that is terrified. 

Just discovering that you are feeling shame is a huge, positive step because many of us didn't even recognize a feeling when it marched by right in front of us! What other discoveries have you made recently?

the discovery of how shame and depression are linked to judgment.  I started to identify with some of my father's self loathing as a child.  I would agree that he was justified to abuse and control.  So, I am looking forward to practicing  more non judgmental stance as hard as it is to do. 

It sounds like you are learning to feel anger. The feelings you describe above reflect that. Anger is not a bad emotion, though it was probably unsafe for you to show or acknowledge your anger growing up.

my therapist has said the same thing.  And feeling the anger in a healthy way rather than having it come out in some other way.  It's terrible to be given the message that my anger was evil.  Because I thought I was a monster because of it.  Not only because of the terrifying anger he had, but because of how mine made him feel and react. 

I think it is also a good thing that you have a therapist to help you work through this stage, because there can be a danger of liking the power of anger so much we get stuck there. But in the meantime, I think it will be an important step to allow yourself to feel your feelings without judging them.

I definitely realize this anger gives me some empowerment.  And as good as it feels, I realize that I don't want to feel like a victim anymore.  I see the potential damage of being stuck in it and that scares me. 

I think the shame you feel goes hand-in-hand with the anger you were not allowed to feel. I think all of us here have had to deal with deep feelings of shame. You might like to read through this feature thread from earlier in the year: Healing - Shame in Adulthood and How We Move Forward as Children of pwBPD. Learning how to place responsibility where it belongs (Step 5---> will help with the next step of not turning your anger against yourself (Step 6). The process is not always linear, but the Survivor's Guide does help us see that we don't have to do everything all at once. There is a process and there is light at the end.

Even when I feel simple annoyance or aggravation I feel shame.  I seems wrong like I am doing this terrible injustice to someone... And then I go into a self loathing session.  but he would punish anyone who "rejected" him with absolute rejection.  Cut off from his love.  I know you are right.  It was safer to stop identifying with anger in any way.  thank you for the link  I will take the time to read it

thank all of you for sharing with me   

[Changingman]

This is my mother... .

I feel such anger towards her I am shocked, I love her because she is my mother. It is my duty, I cannot talk to 99.999% of people about it because it is not right or acceptable to not differ to her.

I feel this to, why couldn't I deal with her 'moods' I thought for so long that other siblings had... .now I see her manipulative behaviours have literally destroyed my family.

Shame?

What does it even mean?

I'm getting sick of posting sad stories, much of my life has been joy, but I have never felt safe/had a home/was nothing but a loser/not deserving... .just getting it in on the edge.

Even with my beautiful loving children, I have felt like I have just conned my way into their parenthood.

I am worthless unless I am achieving something!

I have put myself in very dangerous situations for my family and friends, to unjust and unkind people, and have still felt like a coward.

When I am hurt emotionally I feel I deserve it

Jesus! What a crock

[HappyChappy]

I have never felt safe/had a home/was nothing but a loser/not deserving... .

Even with my beautiful loving children, I have felt like I have just conned my way into their parenthood.

I am worthless unless I am achieving something!... .

... .When I am hurt emotionally I feel I deserve it

Changingman Sounds like you should start a topic of your own, so we can focus soley on your issues. Before I went into therapy, I had no idea I had been trained by my BPD mom to have low self esteem and to feel worthless. I would buy my kids nice things, but deny myself.  You should start treating yourself. A reward a day, for no other reason than it'll build your self esteem. A technique I was taught is to stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself about all that is good within yourself, every day. Sounds cheesy, but it worked for me. Start with the fact, that unlike many BPD we've survived. We didn't top ourselves, we aren’t in prison, and we’re survivors. You also suggest you have had achievements in your life, remind yourself of these.

Bluebee Reading your posts, sounds like you’re an intelligent and insitful person. You remind me of me .  I’m guessing you’ll do well in Therapy.  In 6 months I imagine you’ll be feeling more peaceful (as I do).  I’m not in Therapy – the mend is lasting. With the shame thing, when I learnt about F.O.G and saw how my BPD had used this, this helped lose the shame. With the always on guard for attacks thing, I believe this is called hypervidulence. I believe it’s a PTSD thing. Loads of advise out there on PTSD. Be good to yourself, get your self a present today.  

[blubee]

Changingman Sounds like you should start a topic of your own, so we can focus soley on your issues. Before I went into therapy, I had no idea I had been trained by my BPD mom to have low self esteem and to feel worthless. I would buy my kids nice things, but deny myself.  You should start treating yourself. A reward a day, for no other reason than it'll build your self esteem. A technique I was taught is to stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself about all that is good within yourself, every day. Sounds cheesy, but it worked for me. Start with the fact, that unlike many BPD we've survived. We didn't top ourselves, we aren’t in prison, and we’re survivors. You also suggest you have had achievements in your life, remind yourself of these.

Bluebee Reading your posts, sounds like you’re an intelligent and insitful person. You remind me of me .  I’m guessing you’ll do well in Therapy.  In 6 months I imagine you’ll be feeling more peaceful (as I do).  I’m not in Therapy – the mend is lasting. With the shame thing, when I learnt about F.O.G and saw how my BPD had used this, this helped lose the shame. With the always on guard for attacks thing, I believe this is called hypervidulence. I believe it’s a PTSD thing. Loads of advise out there on PTSD. Be good to yourself, get your self a present today.  

Such beautiful advice Happychappy...  even if it feels alien it is worth showing love to yourself.  Then maybe our brains will start believing it .   In fact I bought myself a candy bar today and I rarely do that.  And I will give you a six month update    I just googled FOG and I see that it is emotional blackmail.  Wow. no wonder. Gift yourself today too!  Take a stroll and enjoy nature if that's what you like to do. 

This is my mother... .

I feel such anger towards her I am shocked, I love her because she is my mother. It is my duty, I cannot talk to 99.999% of people about it because it is not right or acceptable to not differ to her.

When I am hurt emotionally I feel I deserve it

I know how you feel... I am reading so much valuable information on this forum and I hope you get out of it as much as I am.      It took me ages to be able to talk about my dad.  I thought I was betraying him. 

[lavalove]

I can relate a lot as well, therapy in the past year or so has helped me a lot. Therapy is an honorable, difficult, necessary, emotional roller coaster that helps in so many ways to unravel the strings of the past that have tied you down. This was already touched on but one of the best pieces of advice my therapist gave me was to pay very close attention to my moods after a session, and treat myself with great sensitivity and care. Often I was overwhelmed with emotions so I would do nice things for myself like make some tea, wrap up in a blanket and watch a movie, or buy a nice outfit, etc. Being nurturing to yourself is taking care of your inner child and healing from the abuse you experienced at that age that comes to the surface in sessions. Think of things especially that awake the senses- taste good, smell good, feel soft, etc. Good luck!