Does anybody else feel like...

[Jb101]

... .they're experiencing some ridiculously extreme new low?

In previous days I'd have seen somebody this distressed and assumed something utterly awful had occurred. Yet here I am doing it... .

[Jb101]

But I haven't lost a close family member. I used to be so much stronger than this... .wow it's frustrating... .

So glad I've deleted her number and can't be foolish and call her at times like this... .

[Reforming]

Hi JB,

Abandonment can be so overwhelming. it's heartbreaking I know but it's completely natural.

We've all gone through it so please don't judge yourself. It comes in waves but it will pass and you will be stronger and better again.

Don't be afraid to cry. I found expressing the grief - letting it out really helped.

We're all here for you

Reforming

[Jb101]

Thankyou :-) a smiley face for that deep, I really appreciate it smile doesn't exist, but here's one at ya.

It's just so annoying that after a few months I could feel like this. I'm supposed to be stronger, incredibly educated, good family, travelled, plenty of life experience. But obviously nothing prepared me for somebody bringing me down so low... .

I have a great job and just go through the motions lately, relying entirely on experience and reacting. Them having moments of utter anxiety, near panic attacks. It's destroyed me, and I so want it to be over...

[Infared]

Thankyou :-) a smiley face for that deep, I really appreciate it smile doesn't exist, but here's one at ya.

It's just so annoying that after a few months I could feel like this. I'm supposed to be stronger, incredibly educated, good family, travelled, plenty of life experience. But obviously nothing prepared me for somebody bringing me down so low... .

I have a great job and just go through the motions lately, relying entirely on experience and reacting. Them having moments of utter anxiety, near panic attacks. It's destroyed me, and I so want it to be over...

Yes... do not know your complete story... .but I was suddenly lied-to and abandoned... .brutal stuff. I actually started having panic attacks and I thought I was going insane because I did not know what they were.  I got a therapist... .I did not know about BPD at the time... .I just knew that I was in a ton of pain, depression, anger and anxiety... .and that I was not "handling" it.  There is something about our attachment to the pwBPD that is REALLY tough on us. You will read that here over and over again... .so... you are not alone... .there are lots of (usually decent, honest, sensitive) people who have been snared in this trap... .there is no understanding your way out of it other than you were with someone who has mental illness.  Whenever I tried to use logic, reason or compassion to try to address or understand the situation I would be totally confounded.  There is only getting away from it and working to save yourself.  Tough stuff... .and that is counter-intuitive to our make-up.  At least it was for me.

You are doing something great for you by just coming to the forum and talking about your feelings... .A lot of people here will understand exactly what you are going through.

[Overbeck]

The lows are worse in the mornings for me.

Personally it's been awful because I'm not detaching from her... .yet, I hate her. I do genuinely find her existence makes me want to vomit.

I feel low and I feel scathing anger. I miss her and I she's the worst thing on Earth.

This is the worst feeling I've experienced in my life.

[Reforming]

You're welcome JP

Unfortunately education and a good intellect doesn't insulate you from abandonment.

And that's no reflection on you as human being

It's very primeval and it takes time to process.

You can sooth yourself with knowledge that feeling intense grief and abandonment is perfectly healthy. You're doing great.

It can very hard to keep your mind on your week even if it's something you love. Again that's to be expected

I've found that writing down a daily list of things that I'm grateful for in my life has helped to lift my mood

Hang on in. You'll come through stronger and better

Good luck

Reforming

[Infared]

Overbeck

"

I feel low and I feel scathing anger. I miss her and I she's the worst thing on Earth.

This is the worst feeling I've experienced in my life."

That about sums it up... .it's so twisted. I would not wish that feeling on anyone... .not even her!

Great advice from reforming, a gratitude list can definitely get you out of a bad moment and let you see a little light at the end of the tunnel!

[Reforming]

Thanks Infrared.

Your anger is completely understandable and natural.

And seesawing between missing her (the addictive nature of the relationship) and hating her (externalising the injury you've experienced) is part of the process.

It does feel horrible but anger is a healthy reaction to injury. Don't judge yourself or try to repress it. Eventually it ease off and you'll begin to accept what's happened with a wiser and stronger mind

Good luck

Rx

[mywifecrazy]

JB

You can click on my name and go back and read my story for perspective. Just like everyone else's story here... .It SUCKED and I was in a lot of pain from my uBPDxw suddenly abandoning me and my sons (13&8 at the time) for my neighbor across the street. After 18yrs married. I was in so much pain that I went into a clinical depression for a couple of months. My world as I knew it was gone. I didn't feel like living anymore.

Here's what helped me:

Embrace your feelings: it's ok to admit your hurt, it's ok to cry, it's ok to be angry, it's all NORMAL. Give yourself a break, it's OK to feel the way you do. If you didn't have these feelings there would be something wrong with you. Read up on the stages of detachment on the right side of this page. There is no timetable to get through the stages. I can honestly say that I'm getting to be such a happier and healthier person for going through this process. YOU WILL TOO. You just can't see it yet, but you will.

Continue reading up on BPD on these boards. You are in a safe place to vent and learn. We ALL can relate to what your going through. Unless you lived with someone with BPD you have no idea what it's like. You have tons of people on here that will understand and can help guide you through your recovery. And you will get to a point that you will help,those coming in behind you.

Try to find a safe person on the outside too that you can talk to. Preferably someone that went through a divorce. If you keep venting with family and friends (like I did) they may get tired of it and not be able to validate your feelings.

You also need to find a way to PHYSICALLY release the anger. Your body takes that negative energy from anger and stores it physically and you will feel it as tension and anxiety (shortness of breath). Try working out, biking, walking, anything to release this energy.

I'm a man of faith so I found prayer, church and TRYING to give up my control of my situation to God to be the biggest help for me. There is a saying "Let go and let God" I finally understand what this means.

Please go back and look at some of my posts (or anyone's for that matter). You will see a ton of anger in the early posts. I mean I was PISSED, I wanted revenge, I wanted something bad to happen to her for what she did to me and my boys. But as you follow the post you will notice my tone softening as my understanding of BPD grows. You will see that I'm learning that it was never about me but it always was and always will be about her disorder. She is a mentally sick person. It doesn't mean that I accept her behavior. She is still responsible for her actions and I don't want to have anything to do with her (NC saved me). It just means that I am giving up my trying to control her actions. I am focusing on ME. I never could or never will be able to make her better. But I can do things to get me to a healthy and happy place to find peace... .Im letting go and letting God

You'll get there brother... .I'm not there yet but I'm getting closer day by day.

Sincerely... .MWC

[Infared]

Thanks Infrared.

Your anger is completely understandable and natural.

And seesawing between missing her (the addictive nature of the relationship) and hating her (externalising the injury you've experienced) is part of the process.

It does feel horrible but anger is a healthy reaction to injury. Don't judge yourself or try to repress it. Eventually it ease off and you'll begin to accept what's happened with a wiser and stronger mind

Good luck

Rx

OH... .Reforming... .I am not in that space (THANK GOD!)... .I was quoting Overbeck (see my quote signs in my post)... and being supportive... .I still have anger about the situation, no doubt... .but not like I did back then... .it was scary anger... .really scary!  

And that is something at least most of the men that come here need to recognize and address with mental and physical outlets to process it. oh... Healthy ones!

[Infared]

MWC  All great suggestions from a man who REALLY knows!  

Isn't the aftermath GREAT!  

I know it isn't funny... but a little humor about the horror always helped me.

[Emelie Emelie]

Yes.  It's been almost four months now and I am still really struggling on a day to day basis.  Rough stuff.  Hang in there JB.

[mywifecrazy]

MWC  All great suggestions from a man who REALLY knows!  

Isn't the aftermath GREAT!  

I know it isn't funny... but a little humor about the horror always helped me.

Yes Infared the aftermath is great once you get out of the FOG and put the BPD $hit back where it belongs ... .on to the pwBPD, then focus on your own $hit. Yes it is great! And once your there you can see you're heading in the right direction, further and further away from BPD Crazy Land (even if it is across the street. How's that for some humor ) and each day your a step closer to a healthy and fully healed life.

Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days when my anger reappears. It's usually on the days when I stop looking ahead and take a peak backwards into BPD world (like Lot's wife in the Bible that was turned into a pillar of salt dam another one ). I so want to figure it out and rationalize things but I should know by now that I can't. It just is what it is... .It's BPD!

MWC... .

[amigo]

Yes, I too feel like you. How can I still be emotionally attached to this unhealthy, mean, spiritually ugly person, when I know better?

I remember one time after a particularly mean devaluing and belittleing of me , I asked him, "... .then why are you with me?" His response: " Because you are smart, beautiful and rich".

I was floored. Finally I said: " That's what matters to you most? What about the fact that I am tolerant, honest, generous, caring, patient, forgiving and compassionate?"

And guess what he said:" I don't need those things. Those are not important to me"

I thought (it was early in the relationship) either he is testing me in a really strange way, or we have completely different values!

Well, turns out the things I value, honesty, compassion, tolerance, etc really don't seem to matter to him. He definitely doesn't possess those qualities himself. I am still not convinced, that he is not expecting them from those he "loves", but I guess his mirroring at the time made him say, that he doesn't need them in his partner.

I haven't heard from him in over a week and I am getting better, gaining distance and my bouts of anxiety are less frequent and intense. Yet, there is that part of me that is waiting to hear from him... .after everything I know and learned and wrote on here, that is sick on my part.


So, I understand what it feels like.

[Reforming]

Sorry Infrared.

I'm glad you're in a good place. I agree that finding a healthy outlet for the anger is really important.   

I've heard smashing melons with a golf club is quite good 

[Dutched]

Feel your pain and anger too!  I am in that same mood since last week, even when it is “already” a 3,5 yrs ago when she deleted me and my family in an outburst.

So much pain, so much anger sometimes, still renting that space in my head! Still despite my work, my T, my efforts, etc.

Still it is by times as if it happened yesterday!

Still it is by times as if her divorce procedure is in detail running in my mind!

Maybe also because exBPDw is violates my S19 boundaries, the trust he given mom.

He (S19) went on holidays, his car needs a repair to avoid more damage. So he agreed with mom that she brings it to the garage.

What is mom doing?  She drives around in that car… shopping…

That made me so angry that I couldn’t resist to text message her in which I blamed and asked her for her violating boundaries and the trust S19 gave her.

Now… all comes back.

In our local Group it is said:  “What they expect from others, they can’t fulfil it themselves”…

Sorry maybe bad English, not native, but hope it’s clear enough to understand.