Just an Update

[DownandOut]

Hello Family, 

I've been away from this site for a while in an attempt to cleanse myself of all matters related to BPD and work on fixing myself. I'm going on almost 1 year NC with my uBPDexgf and no time has been worse since the beginning of the b/u now that we're coming to the anniversary of the b/u.

I was in T for 6 months with a new therapist since I'd relocated about 2 years ago and needed someone to help me and my old T (whom I have a lot of respect for since she was always helpful) was 1200 miles away. Unfortunately, it didn't work out and I've recently found myself reengaging with my old T to try to get things together. I'm paying an arm and a leg, but it's worth it. As I mentioned above, I left the family for a while to try to get away from the BPD talk and work on what ails me, however, recently I've had a breakthrough and what do you know? BPD again. This time we know it's my mother. So, not only has all the pain from the b/u resurfaced as a result of the timing, but now the pain from my childhood is resurfacing at the same time.

After all this time I still have the feeling of wanting the ex to reach out to me so that I could say all the things I didn't say when I abruptly ended it. Funny thing is I was hoping she would call me for my bday recently, even though I didn't acknowledge her bday when it passed, because I thought she would want to apologize for what she put me through. I was wrong. Funny thing is, the day after my bday I received an email from her; however, it wasn't a real email it was one of those spam emails that mostly contain viruses - the heading said "HELLO!" Now I don't know if that was her fishing (which would have been a brilliant tactic btw), or just a real terrible coincidence. Either way, it doesn't matter anymore.

All that being said, I've been dating since very soon after we b/u and I've gone through woman after woman after woman, never feeling anything but pain from my guilt of faking it with these women and the pain of feeling like I'll never have that loving feeling I had with my ex. Accordingly, I've decided to stop dating for now and really heal. I think all the women this last year have simply been a distraction for me, a way for me to feel good about myself because I knew my ex would NEVER be alone. There will always be somewhere there with her, and I thought I could do the same thing. Funny thing is, I see now how the constant jumping around from mate to mate, all the superficial relationships DO NOT make me happy and it surely doesn't make them happy. That's why it's okay to be alone and I shouldn't be ashamed of it or still be competing with someone who probably doesn't think about me twice in a month. I think that's an important lesson for myself and for all of us.

I'm still working hard to feel fulfilled in life, and I give major thanks for everything BPD FAMILY!

[seeking balance]

What an honest post Downandout.

Welcome Back!

Uncovering the parent layer can be really tough, glad you are giving yourself the security of your trusted T.  These layers of grief and "reality" are quite a bit sobering.

Re:  dating

Many folks jump back as a distraction, don't beat yourself up.  Instead pat yourself on the back for realizing it for what it is and actively giving yourself the break.  You are diving into big emotional work with FOO stuff, good you are giving yourself the space for it.

Peace,

SB

[DownandOut]

What an honest post Downandout.

Welcome Back!

Uncovering the parent layer can be really tough, glad you are giving yourself the security of your trusted T.  These layers of grief and "reality" are quite a bit sobering.

Re:  dating

Many folks jump back as a distraction, don't beat yourself up.  Instead pat yourself on the back for realizing it for what it is and actively giving yourself the break.  You are diving into big emotional work with FOO stuff, good you are giving yourself the space for it.

Peace,

SB

Thanks SB! I definitely need to get to the bottom of this and getting involved emotionally with someone new is just too risky for us both. I've also noticed that I've been dating NPDs and BPDs, or at least the red flags are popping up all over the place. I can only hope for and work towards the day where I am in the right state of mind to find someone whom I could really have a long-lasting, satisfying r/s with. Until then, it's time to get better.