Spiritual unraveling

[KeepOnGoing]

Is anyone feeing pissed at God? My BPD is the one I used to pray with. We went to church together. Now I don't go for fear of running into her. I was drawn to her spiritual nature. Her steadfast faith. We were rooted in that together, or so I thought. Now I'm just mad at God. My prayers each morning have always been the third step prayer, adding "help me be of maximum service." Now I feel God just used me up. And I also feel like I'm not good enough for God compared to her faith and devotion. I also tell myself that she believes that, too. I am so messed up right now.

[Hopeless777]

It's normal. My pwBPDw is a big time "Christian". Don't believe them for a second. Maybe God is getting you out of the relationship before you're destroyed and its a blessing, not a curse. Peace to you!

[Michael7123]

And I also feel like I'm not good enough for God compared to her faith and devotion.

Don't feel like this pal, no one can hide themselves from God not even her, God will know what is in her heart. I don't know you or her personally so I can't say much but I can tell you its what's in our hearts that really matters and what kind of a person we are, and if she is a bad person who causes pain then God will know, no matter how much "devotion" she shows.

[fromheeltoheal]

Flashbacks.  My ex tried Mormonism, Scientology, endless personal development seminars, The Secret, you name it, all motivated by her pain, and you know what?  Good for her, she could have chosen a lot of paths, and she chose the ones that could possibly help, healthfully, and good for her.  Sleeping with half the congregation surely got in her way, but at least she wasn't drinking in some bar.  Looking outside yourself for answers can work if you're open and honest, that was always tough for her, hopefully she stumbles on someone's belief system that works for her one day.

[Huh?]

Yes.  Believe me, yes.  Im angry.  Im frustrated.  Both of my uBPD waif ex fiances were "Christian".  We went to church, read the Bible, prayed together.   I was attracted to that in them.  They both wanted a "spritual leader" and I did my best to provide that for them.  A spiritual connection is what I desire the most with a woman, and they both mirrored that completely until it didnt matter to them anymore.  

Im angry because both of those women sat down next to me in church and listened to the same messages that I did... .about loving one another, forgiveness, faithfulness, etc.   Yet, they didnt seem to get it.  Literally.  I would ask them what they thought of the service, and they had nothing to say except, "It was good".  There was no spiritual depth and I doubt that there ever will be... .I suspect that they will just continue to be candy coated Christians but never really grasp the teachings of Jesus Christ. Its all a show, a mask.  And their life outside of Church reflects that.  I remember my first ex fiance mocking me as I read the Bible to her one night, something she "loved" for me to do.  She said, "You cant even read the Bible right, its hard for me to understand they way you read it"  My second fiance, it might as well have been a bed time story because she fell asleep every night as I read to her.  

Its hard because I know that I shouldnt have anger towards them.I know that I cannot heal that way.  Im angry that God continues to allow them to con people into believing what they are not.  Im angry that God allows them to prosper in the "next" new relationship, while I suffer in solitude. I am angry because I was duped two times, and and I am angry because my "white knight" syndrome allowed it to happen two times.  I believe that there is a lesson from God in all this... .but the pain of continual failure blinds me to it right now.  

The Bible warns us of wolves in sheeps clothing, the hard part for me is discerning a "wolf" in sheeps clothing when they look and act like an angel.  

[KeepOnGoing]

Thanks, all. I saw my therapist today. I realize that I'm currently stuck in the greater than less than game, and uncovering my own insecurities about my own faith. I made this pwBPD my higher power. A dear friend just gave me Embracing Grace to read. I'm looking forward to it.

[Hopeless777]

This may sound weird but my relationship with my BPDw of 27+ years approached idolatry. I valued her more than my relationship with God. Things are changed now and I am healing.

[KeepOnGoing]

Thank you, Hopeless. I am uncovering the same. Crazy how this happens / happened. I'm slapped back into co-dependency at its finest. My self worth hung on her every mood and emotion, her every word, and on how well I loved God in her eyes. How messed up is that? It just goes to show that I'm not in good, fit spiritual condition. God help me!

[mywifecrazy]

Absolutely LOVE this thread... .

I introduced my faith in God through Jesus with my uBPDxw when we met. I felt then and still do, proud that I shared it with her. Spent many nights crying with her and praying as she revealed her pain of being abused as a child. I now realize that this was part of her manipulation of me... .IT WORKED. I spent 20yrs in her cleverly spun World of THE FOG. Ended up being married for 18yrs and had 2 sons. The whole marriage was a SHAM! Found out she had cheated on me the whole time.

When she was finally caught and abandoned me and my sons I was DEVESTATED. My world as I knew it was destroyed in an instant. I was in a lot of pain, angry, scared, hurt, confused, depressed, etc.

A beautiful thing happened to me. Instead of being angry at God and questioning my faith... .I leaned on God and my faith. I gave up trying to control my situation with my X and just trusted God that he would bless me if I trusted in him. Romans 8:28 All things happen for the good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. A lot of people misquote this to mean God makes things happen to us. That's not accurate. I take it that even in the midst of our darkest trial that if we seek him he will bless us and lead us to peace. He will help us and turn our greatest pain into joy. I believe that and I'm experiencing that. My X is still doing things that hurt me and our sons but through my faith in a God I am getting healthier and stronger. Through him I am giving up worrying about what she's doing and letting God deal with her. I don't believe that God wanted us to get divorced and our family to fall apart but I do trust in his ultimate wisdom that he will make lemonade of of lemons if I get out of the way and let him.

We are not hurt in this world by God but by people choosing to exercise their free will. It's how we are created. We are not robots. God created us with free will to choose right from wrong... .Unfortunately we humans choose wrong sometimes and people get hurt. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm only 1 year out and I still have a lot of anger and hatred in my heart for my X for what's she's done and continues to do. I just know that it's my faith that has me on the path to fully healing from this! It took a devastating divorce for me to finally put my trust in God... .He does work in mysterious ways

Thanks for letting me share... .MWC

[slimmiller]

You feeling that way may not be a good thing in a way but on the other hand you being angry also proves that you have been wronged (by your ex) and that you are now moved to anger. Its understandibly righteous anger but I dont think God means for us to ever hurt let alone by one of HIS own. The anger moves us to cleans ourselves and look beyond where they 'held' us.

Mine was big time into Mormonism and then when that became an inconvenience and did not uphold her ideas of sleeping with someone else, she dumped it. Now she is back in it. Its useful to her again, but I hear her replacement is not buying it from waht my kids tell me. It kinda worked on me because she let me know if I dont buy into it 'someone else will'. I did the good husband church thing and guess what, still wasnt good enough.

Its not God but the fact that they use God. I am a better and firmer believer now then I was then. It felt fake then. I think God actually saved me from what I would have become had we not split. Even God is just a tool for them to mete out the misery they heap on us

Remember, Satan was an Angel too, once.

I used to joke that the difference one Satan and a raging BPD was that Satan never 'pretended' to be good...

Hang in there

[KeepOnGoing]

Absolutely LOVE this thread... .

I introduced my faith in God through Jesus with my uBPDxw when we met. I felt then and still do, proud that I shared it with her. Spent many nights crying with her and praying as she revealed her pain of being abused as a child. I now realize that this was part of her manipulation of me... .IT WORKED.

WOWWOWWOWWOW. This pretty much sums it up... .not that the rest of what you said wasn't important. This was probably the most wounded individual I had ever met in my entire life. Sexual abuse, brain tumor, Crohn's disease, failing root canals, multiple surgeries, poverty-stricken, and all the while talking about how the world was doing everything to her. Yet her faith was really, really steadfast. We had many talks about the grace of God. Said she was a contemplative, a hermit, a Christian, Quaker. And I was so drawn to that. So yes, now I'm wondering if it was all just manipulation?

Thank you. I will read the rest of what you shared again and again because I feel a little lost, dazed, and confused right now.

[Mr Hollande]

My first BPD ex from 15 years back is now a vicar. She actually works for God and Jesus. I'm sure the father and son combo are both at the end of their tether.

[BuildingFromScratch]

As I've gone through some of my own healing. I've realized that people with BPD really need god in order to heal. My guess though is that most people with BPD use god as something to fuel their narcissism. aka "I'm better than people because I'm a super duper mega spiritual person" It's just grandiose delusions.

Also, I'd like to point out that although I think they definitely do lie quite a bit. They lie to themselves even more. It's not like they are cold calculated people. They are whimsical and delusional and really are stuck on all those things in their past that they bring up to you. They also have to deny all the damage they cause because they have been a tornado their entire lives.

Anyways specifically to your situation. I hope you can pray at home or something, or go back anyways. God is about the worst thing a person can give up (especially in our situation), in whatever form you happen to believe in it. Hang in there, things do get better.

[fromheeltoheal]

Was it god who brought borderlines into our lives, because there were lessons it was time to learn, or was it satan?

[KeepOnGoing]

Was it god who brought borderlines into our lives, because there were lessons it was time to learn, or was it satan?

Oh wow! Um. Well, I think those possessed by satan who performed horrible acts against the pwBPD before they were pwBPD probably.  Isn't the disorder a direct result of something sexual abuse or something? And again, that's how I get sucked in and feeling so sad and sorry for that person because they didn't create this disorder. Or at least in my case I think she was a victim, which then created the disorder.

[KeepOnGoing]

Was it god who brought borderlines into our lives, because there were lessons it was time to learn, or was it satan?

And actually, now that I read your question again, I think that's where I got stuck. I thought this was some sort of divine intervention… The two of us meeting. So maybe it was God who brought this person into my life for a reason. We get the lesson over and over until we actually learn it. I'm ready to learn. I just get stuck in the God stuff sometimes. Especially since it felt like our relationship was based on faith. It felt like I had found my spiritual soulmate. Maybe she is, but not in the way I thought it was supposed to be. Maybe she was here just to teach me the spiritual lesson? Maybe to just rely on God instead?

[BuildingFromScratch]

"relying on god instead" Yes, definitely. Real love is supposed to overflow from your own love for yourself. I doubt most of us had that, that's why we got into these relationships.

[fromheeltoheal]

Isn't the disorder a direct result of something sexual abuse or something? And again, that's how I get sucked in and feeling so sad and sorry for that person because they didn't create this disorder. Or at least in my case I think she was a victim, which then created the disorder.

The disorder comes out of an unsuccessful detachment from our primary caregiver, which can have many causes, including sexual abuse, but not necessarily.  Before we are born and shortly thereafter, we do not distinguish between a 'me' and a 'her', our mother; to us we are one person, which isn't a stretch since we used to be inside her.  At some point we realize we are separate from our mother, and if there's some distance, like she leaves the room for a minute, we are terrified that she won't come back, that we'll be abandoned, and we go through what's called abandonment depression, weather it, and get on with things, a healthy part of development and becoming our own 'self'.  A borderline never does that, for a variety of reasons, different in each case apparently, but never going through that abandonment depression results in a lifelong pattern of being terrified of abandonment, needing to attach to people to feel whole, and not being able to regulate emotions, which comes later in development, but they never got there because they got 'stuck' at the detachment that never happened.

So yes, borderlines are victims, of what we can't be sure, but victims nonetheless, and it has a ripple effect of creating 'victims' out of future suitors who just want to love them.  Hey, what's pain if you don't share it?

I thought this was some sort of divine intervention… The two of us meeting. So maybe it was God who brought this person into my life for a reason. We get the lesson over and over until we actually learn it. I'm ready to learn. I just get stuck in the God stuff sometimes. Especially since it felt like our relationship was based on faith. It felt like I had found my spiritual soulmate. Maybe she is, but not in the way I thought it was supposed to be. Maybe she was here just to teach me the spiritual lesson? Maybe to just rely on God instead?

A handy belief to adopt at times like this is 'Everything happens for a reason, and it serves us.'  And also the oldie 'When the student is ready the teacher appears.'  It's much healthier and fruitful to look for the lessons we can take from these relationships, and in that context who the teacher was is irrelevant, as long as the lessons get learned.  Take care of you!

[Hopeless777]

Mine found Jesus and then I was never good enough. I never measured up, so she began a 20 year emotional relationship with a neighbor she called her "spiritual father." No matter what I did, she "upped the ante." At one point she actually wanted me to give up my career and become a minister. Go figure. I thought about leaving then but my kids were only 10 and 6 and I just couldn't do it. The second the last one moved out in 2013, all hell broke loose, literally. 2+ months separated and almost 4 weeks NC and at least I don't have to endure her rages and violence. I've come back to God and finally have peace.