emotions- long post

[guliers]

I've written on the welcome board (i think) about my dad possibly having BPD & i'll post that below to give some background-

"I don't even know where to begin... .I can't remember a lot of my childhood. I wish I could. I remember getting yelled at a lot by my dad in elementary school and only increasingly getting more intense as I got older. High school I used to hear threats from my father when we would fight that he was gona leave and never come back and/or commit suicide. I developed a bodily reaction to whenever I hear him pulling up to the house when he gets home from work. My mom and I jokingly call him the "black cloud" because we both get tense when we hear his truck pull up. Recently I started seeing a therapist about the relationship problems between my dad and I because we've never gotten along and I've always been blamed for it. He said it sounded like my dad has BPD and just the fact that he confirmed that I wasn't the crazy one, that it wasn't me with the mental illness made everything SO SO SO SO much clearer. I always thought I was the problem because that's what I've been told. It was always my responsibility to change my behavioral and emotional habits in order to cater to how my dad is. I used to (and still get) lengthy silent treatments over the dumbest things and when I try to defend myself or tell him something I don't like or if I even disagree with him I get suicide threats and "why am I always the bad guy? Do I ever do anything right?" He constantly manipulates how he words things so then I HAVE to say yes and agree with him when I really don't. My mom is his enabler and tells me to "play along and be civil until you move out" or she used to just tell me to agree with him in order to make the fight end faster. Recently we stopped talking and haven't since the 4th of July and my mom said he was going to write me out of his will and then last night I saw him looking up videos under "father commits suicide" on youtube. I confronted him about it and he basically acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. HE ALWAYS FCKING DOES THIS AND IT DRIVES ME INSANE. My mom laughs off this whole suicide thing and says he won't do it but then I'm left being worried. I don't want to feel like I'm the one responsible for whether he dies or lives. I've been stuck with this responsibility my entire life on top of him not being emotionally validating or supportive.

I can't play along and be nice any longer now that I know there's something wrong with HIM and not ME. Every day I realize the connection between how he's treated me/how I've felt and the difficulties I have when it comes to relationships and being intimate with guys/self confidence/self esteem etc.

I've begun reading a book called "Surviving a borderline parent" and it's helped a lot. I just can't stand this anymore oh my god."


RIGHT NOW-

I'm starting the long process of healing myself and i don't know if it's because my therapist is a male and all my issues are with my dad but i feel like i really cannot access all the underlying emotions. one time he was telling me how i needed to basically mourn the loss of a father since ill never have a normal supportive one and i started to tear up but my instant reaction was to bury the urge to cry. i also brought up how i feel like there are a bunch of suppressed memories and he said not to try and bring them up.

my biggest challenge has always been relationships with guys. i went through YEARS of being so caught up in the IDEA of them and the IDEA of romance etc and i'd end up breaking down crying because of guys that i wasn't even dating and i had no idea why until i started seeing my current therapist. i feel like most of the time- 1. i can't open up all the way to someone

2. want to bail the second some turbulence comes up

3. feel like a prisoner/imagine relationships are just about being controlled

4. i rush into a relationship/intimate things and then regret it

5. i would rather have a casual thing with someone because then i can protect myself and remain superficial and not have to open up

6. i have to act like a perfect person to avoid rejection and then i end up feeling like i cant be myself

i have no idea where to start with all of that because the second i try to meet/talk to someone i genuinely feel like im being ripped open and i get super anxious and just freaked out and have to cut off contact without any explanation. i also had a really unhealthy first relationship for a year when i was 15 (i'm 24 now) where all i can remember is that we used to have a lot of sex until he started using it against me and would give me a lot of crap/force me when i didnt want to do it and it was a lot of drama and i never felt powerful enough to leave and i remember feeling like 'maybe this is what its supposed to be like'.

i can keep writing an entire novel about everything i want to work on but i'll stop here and wait for responses haha

[littlebirdcline]

Just substitute mother for father, and I could have written this.  Right down to the relationship tendencies.  You are addressing it at a much earlier age then me, which I admire.  I find your therapist's statement odd.  If you really want to get to the bottom of this, why would he try to stop that?  I firmly believe finding the right therapist for you is important, and if you're not happy with him- find someone else!

Good luck.  I wish I had some great advice; I am failing pretty miserably in dealing with my mom at the moment.  But I wish you all the best!

[P.F.Change]

Hi, guliers, and 

It sounds like you are going through your breakthrough crisis (See Step 1 of the Survivor's Guide in the right margin). This can be an enlightening time, though it can feel overwhelming and frightening also. Everything you are feeling is normal for someone in your situation. It is really great you have a therapist for support. It sounds like he is really being sensitive to where you are right now and is not going to push you too far too fast. I think it might also be a good thing in the long run for you to work through these issues with a male therapist since it is your father with BPD. However, littlebirdcline is right that you can look for a better match if you are very uncomfortable working with him.

I don't want to feel like I'm the one responsible for whether he dies or lives.

You are not. You can choose to let go of that feeling and place the responsibility for your father's feelings and choices where they belong--with him. You did not cause your father's disorder, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You cannot control whether he lives or dies, and it is not your fault if he chooses to act on his suicidal feelings. Have you talked with your therapist about your father's interest in suicide, or considered talking with a local suicide prevention hotline? We also have this workshop that may help: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Surviving a Borderline Parent was one of the most helpful books I read when I first found out my mother probably has BPD. I'm glad you are finding it helpful. Remember to take your recovery at your own pace--it is really important to take care of yourself. It is ok if you can't get to all the emotions right away. Most of us learned to stuff them, and it can take time to learn to trust that it is safe to have feelings.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[guliers]

Hi, guliers, and 

It sounds like you are going through your breakthrough crisis (See Step 1 of the Survivor's Guide in the right margin). This can be an enlightening time, though it can feel overwhelming and frightening also. Everything you are feeling is normal for someone in your situation. It is really great you have a therapist for support. It sounds like he is really being sensitive to where you are right now and is not going to push you too far too fast. I think it might also be a good thing in the long run for you to work through these issues with a male therapist since it is your father with BPD. However, littlebirdcline is right that you can look for a better match if you are very uncomfortable working with him.

I don't want to feel like I'm the one responsible for whether he dies or lives.

You are not. You can choose to let go of that feeling and place the responsibility for your father's feelings and choices where they belong--with him. You did not cause your father's disorder, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You cannot control whether he lives or dies, and it is not your fault if he chooses to act on his suicidal feelings. Have you talked with your therapist about your father's interest in suicide, or considered talking with a local suicide prevention hotline? We also have this workshop that may help: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Surviving a Borderline Parent was one of the most helpful books I read when I first found out my mother probably has BPD. I'm glad you are finding it helpful. Remember to take your recovery at your own pace--it is really important to take care of yourself. It is ok if you can't get to all the emotions right away. Most of us learned to stuff them, and it can take time to learn to trust that it is safe to have feelings.

Wishing you peace,

PF

I'm actually really comfortable with my therapist but it's just the fact that I've never had a male figure in my life that I can openly discuss things with without judgement so I'm having a bit of trouble with it. I'm glad this whole crazy process is normal. I hate that putting the responsibility of his life/death on HIM makes me feel like I'm abandoning him. It feels really nice to read/hear that I'm not responsible for it and I need to keep remembering that/being told that so it'll sink in.

Apart from my mom being an occasional enabler to his behavior I'm glad her and I have a healthy relationship and it's foreign to me to imagine having that relaxed of a relationship with my dad because as soon as I'm around him I feel extremely tense and on eggshells.