advice from any daughters with BPD mothers?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am just looking for some quick advice on how to handle my current situation. 

I am getting married in 2 weeks. After a grueling process of wedding planning and UNsuccessfully trying to keep "peace" with my BPD mother, she came to me 4 months ago in tears. She wanted us to enjoy this and she wanted "us" to be happy. She has been sober and also really making efforts to behave her best…until this past weekend.

After a weekend down the shore with my whole family - she took a turn for the worst. Trying to understand why she did won't get me anywhere, but she completely ruined the whole weekend. All of a sudden, a switch flipped and she would not look anyone in the eye, scowled at everyone, did not come to my brothers birthday dinner, made allegations at my finance that his drinking was out of hand (completely untrue) and that he was the ring leader making all of us drink too much (again untrue). Needless to say - we left the trip early. I ALMOST made it on her good spell to the wedding…

Naturally, I am upset, angry, and anxious with how she treated us, not to mention furious about the comments to my fiancé. So what do I do? I don't have the emotional energy to address this with her. I am completely stressed out. Now she is 'testing' me. Sent me a couple pictures to see if I would reply, trying to send me 'general wedding comments'…I have done this so many times with her and I know what she is up to. Can i avoid her until the wedding? I can't bare to hear her lies, or reasons on why she behaved how she did. SHould I just reach out to her and act as though this didn't happen? My fiancé, sister in law, brother - everyone is upset about this…what do I do? any other time Id be open to addressing it, but I can't this time - how should I handle so it doesn't ruin my big day? Help!

[UpwardAndOnward]

I am just looking for some quick advice on how to handle my current situation. 

I am getting married in 2 weeks. After a grueling process of wedding planning and UNsuccessfully trying to keep "peace" with my BPD mother, she came to me 4 months ago in tears. She wanted us to enjoy this and she wanted "us" to be happy. She has been sober and also really making efforts to behave her best…until this past weekend.

After a weekend down the shore with my whole family - she took a turn for the worst. Trying to understand why she did won't get me anywhere, but she completely ruined the whole weekend. All of a sudden, a switch flipped and she would not look anyone in the eye, scowled at everyone, did not come to my brothers birthday dinner, made allegations at my finance that his drinking was out of hand (completely untrue) and that he was the ring leader making all of us drink too much (again untrue). Needless to say - we left the trip early. I ALMOST made it on her good spell to the wedding…

Naturally, I am upset, angry, and anxious with how she treated us, not to mention furious about the comments to my fiancé. So what do I do? I don't have the emotional energy to address this with her. I am completely stressed out. Now she is 'testing' me. Sent me a couple pictures to see if I would reply, trying to send me 'general wedding comments'…I have done this so many times with her and I know what she is up to. Can i avoid her until the wedding? I can't bare to hear her lies, or reasons on why she behaved how she did. SHould I just reach out to her and act as though this didn't happen? My fiancé, sister in law, brother - everyone is upset about this…what do I do? any other time Id be open to addressing it, but I can't this time - how should I handle so it doesn't ruin my big day? Help!

[Pilate]

First, hooray, congratulations, and how exciting on your upcoming wedding! 

I'm sorry you're dealing with additional stress on top of the additional stress--though the good kind of stress--of preparing for a wedding.

When your mom is reaching out to you, does it seem as if she is trying to engage in a discussion of the past weekend, or is she trying to see how you are feeling toward her after the past weekend?

Either way, would it be possible to send a BIFF (Brief, informative, friendly, firm) email to her along the lines of, " Hi Mom, I got your message about X.  Right now, I am so focused on getting ready for the wedding that I need to wait to talk about X. After the wedding and when I get back from the honeymoon, we can talk about XYZ. I am excited about the wedding and celebrating with all of our family and friends*. Love you and see you soon, UaO"

* Or something like this sentence that expresses a truth about celebrating that sounds like you.

With a wedding to finalize and an upset fiance, brother, and sister-in-law, it must feel like you are at your wits' end. For your fiance, brother, and SIL, would it be possible that they can take care of themselves and manage their emotions and relationship with mom/MIL? For example, turn the situation around and consider whether your brother or sister in law is trying to manage or facilitate your relationship with your mom after the weekend's events. You don't have to manage the emotions/relationships of other adults with your mom either, which might free you from some of the anxiety you are having.

I don't know if any of this is helpful or would work for your situation. My guess is as the stress and emotion of your wedding gets closer, your mom is going to be filled with lots of emotions. And if she has BPD tendencies, those emotions are going to be magnified/out of proportion to a "normal" range--happy and guilty and sad emotions which are normal feelings for a mother of a bride (happy daughter is getting married, guilty for feeling/wishing you were still a little girl, guilty for not doing enough or being a better parent, sad that you aren't a little girl anymore). And for someone with BPD, an event such as a wedding of a child can trigger abandonment issues in a parent--the abandonment issue is a normal behavior--even criteria--for pwBPD even if it is not normal for a non. If you can briefly, firmly, and kindly use SET in brief communications with her until your special day, you might be able to assure her she's loved and maintain your sanity and boundaries and enjoy the heck out of your wonderful day. 

wishing you joy,

Pilate

[UpwardAndOnward]

thank you for your reply, it was very helpful! and also your congrats. 

When your mom is reaching out to you, does it seem as if she is trying to engage in a discussion of the past weekend, or is she trying to see how you are feeling toward her after the past weekend?

she is reaching out strictly to see how I am feeling towards her. SHe rarely talks about her behavior, and even less frequently takes any accountability of anything she did. That being said, I am struggling to reply to her "test email." she's merely seeing if I will reply, and if I am angry. If I address anything she did, it will open the flood gates. Should I still reply to her test?

[Pilate]

If I address anything she did, it will open the flood gates. Should I still reply to her test?

Keeping the flood gates closed is definitely a good idea.

You know your mom best. If you don't reply to her test, what is her pattern when you don't reply after she has behaved inappropriately and attempts to reestablish contact?

If a reply seems best for your situation, would a brief (BIFF) response allow you to function with less stress in the days leading up to your wedding, maintain your boundaries and integrity, and assure your mom that she hasn't been abandoned?

The concept of BIFF was introduced as a tool for divorcing couples, but it works for many situations both family and professional: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0.

Pilate

[claudiaduffy]

any other time Id be open to addressing it, but I can't this time - how should I handle so it doesn't ruin my big day? Help!

First off, I'mma hug you. 

Secondly, Pilate's giving you a lot of good stuff here.

Thirdly, I know how it feels. I got married last year with a uBPDm (weepy, upset that I wasn't scheduling lots of mom/daughter stuff, upset that I wasn't using my wedding as a platform to try to force broken family togetherness) and a uBPDmil (manic, manipulative, marking things as "purchased" on our registry if she disapproved of them - so nobody else would buy them, sending evil hateful emails to my maid of honor and her husband, et cetera), on the heels of my enabling FIL dying a mere week before the wedding and my ex-enabling dad (separated from mom for several years) showing up but not able to be around my mom peaceably (because she'd try to act affectionate or hurt and both responses send him running.)

What I did was to ignore our moms as completely as possible, only giving them the info they needed to be where they needed to be at the right times. And I also contacted two friends of mine who are both police officers and let them know that a physical altercation might break out at my wedding and/or reception and I asked them to both be on the alert for it. And my pastor, photographers, and entire wedding party knew the situation and did a fantastic job of minimizing my exposure to any craziness that went on. I found out that something big happened between my mom and my bridesmaids the day of the rehearsal, but they won't tell me what - and I'm happy to not know. We also told my MIL that she did not need to be at the rehearsal, which was probably one of the best choices we made at the time.

Fortunately, none of our parents were contributing a dime to the weekend, so they had no leverage in that area. =)

My then-fiance and I also spent time each day that week reminding each other that we were choosing each other over our FOOs and that we were each other's family now, and that we did not have to allow our messed up moms to hurt us. That really helped - being on the same page.

I'm praying and hoping good things for you. And HURRAY for getting married! You're almost there!

[Valley Quail]

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! So sorry to hear of the pain being caused by your mom. I can really relate to the "switch flipping", test emails, and untruthful accusations that you mentioned. So sorry that it's happening to you. Pilate and claudiaduffy have great tips to help. Wishing you peace, healing, and an incredible wedding. You deserve it all.

Hugs,

VQ

[UpwardAndOnward]

thank you all for the helpful tips, relatable stories and support. Pilates, I was able to correspond with her using BIFF and it seems I might be able to get to the big day using that approach.

Also, claudia I also have a uBPD soon to be MIL, and she declined the wedding. Although it pained me to see my fiancé so upset, hearing your story reminds me it is a blessing she is not coming.

Thank you all for sharing!

[claudiaduffy]

Also, claudia I also have a uBPD soon to be MIL, and she declined the wedding. Although it pained me to see my fiancé so upset, hearing your story reminds me it is a blessing she is not coming.

Oh, man. I am so sorry to hear that you've got the double dose too! ... .but the one awesome thing about having two uBPDmoms is that at least you and your husband can understand exactly the crazy-making that happens. If I could go back in time and take away all the horridness and abuse my husband endured as a kid/teen/young man, I would in a heartbeat; but since he went through it, I never have to feel like he doesn't get it when my mom tries her crap on us and I flip out.

And it is aaaaaaaaawesome that your soon-to-be-MIL isn't coming, though the insult and rejection is no joke. I'm sorry. Hang in there! So glad you have a good partner to do life with.