struggling with tuesday night - again

[amigo]

Here we go again. It's tuesday and I know where I can go to find my BPDex bf. I feel like I just wrote this yesterday, but it's been a week. I am going to avoid the dance club where I can run into him, the one I used to go to every tuesday. I made other plans, will meet different people etc., etc.

But it still hurts. I feel like I have made much progress last week, he hasn't contacted me in 12 days now and I have not had to fight the urge to contact him all that much. STILL, I am so strongly aware that my plans for tonight are a substitute. That really all I want is to hear from him, have him come over, cry and hold me, like he used to. I fear coming home at night after my alternate plans and feeling even worse than if I had sat around at home missing him, because my going out with other people to another place, is just a substitute. I am forcing myself to do the right thing, and part of me is just so tired of doing the right thing

I am posting here to gather strength. Thank you for being there BPD family. I think I will start writing my good-bye letter to him (the one I will never send), maybe that will help.

[fromheeltoheal]

because my going out with other people to another place, is just a substitute. I am forcing myself to do the right thing, and part of me is just so tired of doing the right thing

Yes, it is a substitute amigo, for now, but eventually that substitute is going to be your new life.  One foot in front of the other, and good for you for doing the right thing.  We all know it's hard, hell, it even spawned a whole website full of us, and our feelings towards our exes are mixed, obviously; if it was all bad leaving would be effortless, but the good and the emotional enmeshment make it so difficult.  I say go out with folks, for the distraction at least, at least when you're with them you won't be thinking about him as much, and celebrate to yourself that you are taking steps in the right direction, and remember, the hardest part is at the beginning, meaning it will get easier.  Take care of you!

[amigo]

Thank you fromheeltoheal,

your responses, even the ones to other members, are always really helpful to me. And your name always evokes a little smile, even when I am in tears.

Yes, I will continue on the right path. I have done one recycle and that is enough. Even if it means coming home tonight and posting here again and making the other members want to  at my ruminations

I am so grateful for this "place".

[Tausk]

I know it's hard.  Hang in there.  It's not forever.  Just for today.  I've had to learn to try and enjoy the moment.  Not the easiest of endeavors for me, but it helps me a lot.  

Finding gratitude for what we do have.  Finding meaning in my life.  Maybe find a volunteer activity on Tuesday.  That also helped me.  That way on Tuesday evening, instead of ruminating or avoiding... .when the evening is over, you might find comfort in the ideas that you were of service to others.  

It's fine balance between taking care of ourselves, and being stuck in obsessive compulsive thought process as we let go of the betrayal/trauma bond.  You're doing it.  Be patient.

Really think about a regular volunteering gig for Tuesday evening.  One that might even bring you some new experiences or a new social circle.  

Be well,

T

[amigo]

Thank you Tausk,

the volunteering is a good suggestion. Ironically I am in a profession where I am of service to others constantly and at the end of the day I am exhausted from taking care of other's physical and emotional needs. Not so ironic then that I fell for a pwBPD... .

So the dancing, going out, acting "selfish" was always a nice counterbalance to my job. And I do many other things and have plenty of friends to do things with. Finding other things to do has never been the problem, and I make myself do them (boxing, yoga, running, reading , going out with friends) almost whenever I have free time. Wanting to do other things is an entirely different story however.

You are right about the balance between taking care of ourselves and having obsessive compulsive thought processes.  In a way I feel being on this board constantly has become an obsession/compulsion. Then again, it's my version of AA. I just have to keep showing up for the meetings each day.

I think at this point even if I did volunteer on tuesday nights, I still would be thinking "oh I am doing this only to forget about him... ." at least for now. I mean, I even think about him in the middle of trying to keep patients alive, you'd think that would be an adequate distraction... .

Of course you are right about being grateful for what we have, living in the moment, etc. I do try to practice daily living that way. It's just that the wound is so fresh and I need extra help to keep going. Thank you for being part of that help.