Alone and tremendously depressed

[Vatz]

I went almost this entire day alone. I went to the gym and worked out, said "hi" to the owner as I normally do. Worked out, got a good sweat going.

Came home and my dog greeted me.

But anyway, it's 9 pm and I feel so completely alone. It's depressing as hell. Is this what people do when they live on their own? I've lived with my folk until around 24 or so and although I was fairly private (kept to myself,) but knowing they were there, you never really know how comforting it is until they're gone. My EX stayed with me for quite some time, so for a while there was at least some conversation and even affection. Now it's just me and my dog. He isn't one for talking though.

I miss having someone around, someone to watch stuff with or just talk to. I'm going to some random meet-up of folks this Friday, but until then I'm basically alone.

I don't like it. It feels so unnatural. It's depressing.

Has anyone else ever experienced something like this? If so, how did you cope? If being alone was depressing for you, I'd like to know why.

[fromheeltoheal]

There's a difference between being alone and being lonely.  I've always been able to spend time alone and not be lonely, but some people are just more social than me, then again, some people absolutely cannot be alone without having a meltdown, like my ex.  I say being alone and making our own way is part of reclaiming ourselves and our lives, filling it up with activities we choose, very healthy.  I also know folks who are almost never alone for whatever reason, and they relish the times when they are, relish that 'me time'.  Sometimes it's freeing to define yourself on your own terms instead of who you are to and with other people.

Anyway, before my dogs got old and died I used to take them to the dog park, which was always social, and it mellowed me out and was as good for me as it was for them.  Funny though, I knew all the other dog's names by heart, but their owners?  Not so much.  Is there a dog park near you?

[Karmachameleon]

I live with my special needs S8 and although I love him to pieces I really enjoyed having my ex around for adult conversation and to make me feel like there was some other purpose in my life besides therapy and tantrums, etc.  He made me feel like a human being again and gave me things to look forward to for the first time in years.  And he would never complain about the boring things my son wanted to do.  He would always go with us and seemed to enjoy himself and was so good with my son.  Oh yeah, until he went nuts after 2 perfect years together.  Now he's gone and hates me.  And now my days are full of therapy and phone calls about why insurance won't pay for therapy and tantrums and behavior plans, etc.  I wake up every day just wishing for it to be time to go to bed again.  I can't imagine anyone else will ever fit into/understand my life ever again.  We were perfect.  Oh yeah, until he went nuts.  I don't mean to sound like I don't enjoy my son because I do, but it was nice to have someone else around who fit into our lives.  I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now.  Surely things will change one day.  But I get it.  I see people with relationships who totally take them for granted.  If I find someone again I will definitely appreciate it more.  But until then I just have to work on being happy with myself... .blah blah blah.

[Xstaticaddict]

Hey Vatz,

Welcome to my last 6 months (kind of). I went through what you are talking about after i got divorced (about a year before i met my BPDex) I lived in a city where i knew very few people and had no friends, and just wandered around in this dark fog of introspection (didn't help that it was fall in Seattle), wondering why i had such trouble meeting people.

The thing is upon reflection with the new insights I got from this site and just knowing myself better, i didn't have to be alone, i just didn't have the sense to step outside my comfort zone and meet HEALTHY people. I was always searching for that safe self isolated weird girl that was like me, that was sexy and could understand me and i could do my weird intense connection thing with.

During my relationship with my BPDex, we always talked about how we wanted to do things like learn to dance, and volunteer places, and travel, and get more friends, but then we locked into this focus on each other and between that and the chaos she brought via her super destructive lifestyle we would never get around to doing any of it.

As soon as we broke up i figured out that I actually still wanted to do all these things, in fact that i NEEDED to do these things because it was part of the type of person i wanted to be, but didn't really know how to be.

I'm still in a phase where i do a lot of things alone. Getting kind of sick of eating meals alone all the time, and going to movies alone, but I do it because i'm not quite ready to fully step out of my comfort zone and talk to people on the street, or online date, or fully commit to a constant form of volunteering. I feel like i have a few internal things that need to be addressed first, like making sure i have enough money and can take care of my responsibilities. I also am choosing to lean into the loneliness instead of running from it. In the past i felt fine being alone because i could always distract myself with facebook acquaintances or the internet, or movies or other entertainment, but when i chose to feel all the challenging feelings that come from being alone (which i've come to realize are just my inner childhood abandonment issues surfacing), they don't kill me, and i get a bit more clarity about how much i value connection and will cherish it when I make one naturally through doing things i enjoy.

I started taking dance lessons a few days after NC started, now i know at least a dozen new good people. I don't hang out with them much but the friendships are forming.

I started playing poker tournaments occasionally and likewise i have had some amazing conversations with the other players.

I go to the gym and pretty much just focus on my workout and use the time to reflect on what i am doing to grow more healthy and how i can continue to push myself to do more the way I'm pushing myself to do a little more weight or a few more reps, or to try a new exercise that i find uncomfortable because it's a muscle group i never work on. Life is like this. Area's of life you don't focus on are extremely uncomfortable at first, and for me pushing myself into social situations strictly to practice listening to others and connecting with them is very much one of those uncomfortable situations.

I'm finding that a smile goes a long way to attract conversations or other positive feelings.

Try it next time you're out and alone on the street.

I'm not really a smiley kind of guy. In fact I'm usually brooding and intense, but i finished a yoga class one evening, (another amazing way to meet people, mostly sexy women) and caught myself way into my own head, and seeing all these really pretty girls walking past me and acting like i didn't exist. I became aware that i wasn't putting out anything near what i hoped to be getting from people around me and i forced myself to put the biggest smile on my face that i could. It sounds silly but I walked about 2 blocks before people started looking at me and smiling. One woman looked at me and I could actually see the moment that she went from sullen to confused and then started smiling. A really cute girl that was either with her boyfriend or on a date on a bar patio gave me the most crazy good eye contact holding it the entire time I walked by her. Guys smiled too.

Point is, it seems to be all about doing little things differently from time to time to let go of the stuff that gets in the way of us getting the results we want. I can be surrounded by people all the time, but if i'm depressed and not really enjoying the amazing stuff around me and genuinely radiating things like enthusiasm and gratitude and curiosity, then I'm going to stay an island among islands. Most people don't really try to connect with each other. It's a pretty lonely world ironically.

I feel most alone when i'm either expecting to connect with someone specific in a specific way (the partner i don't have), or I don't really know what to say to people that I don't know.

Start talking to people you normally wouldn't. It's crazy the cool things you end up talking about.

Not saying that will totally change the way you feel about being lonely, but it was a game changer for me to get a form of connection to another human being that had no point or expected meaning or reason for it.

I think the meetup on Friday will be amazing for you. Until then practice smiling at strangers all week and see what happens.

[Vatz]

Actually, smiling at strangers and all that is something I've been good at for some time. Hell, I got a hug from my boss after interning at their office for like two months, when I said I had to get going back to school she just gave me a hug. I was pleasant and polite to everyone at work, in college, and really anywhere I went. I get smiles from the owner at my gym because every time I show up I ask him how he's doing.

That's besides the point. I'm definitely looking forward to Friday night, but also sort of nervous about it. I don't know any of the people I'll be meeting and I'll certainly feel like an outsider. It's like Ohayocon all over again. God that was the first and worst anime convention I've been to. I know it's the worst because my exgf was just... .christ, I'm still mad at her for the crummy experience. I did however take a sweet picture with a dude dressed as Shepard (Mass Effect ^_^, my biggest tearjerker to date.) Along with other folks cosplaying as my all-time faves. Sort of afraid of going to another one, I feel over-the-hill for these things. It's like a 40 yr old going to a nightclub with 18-23 yr olds. Blech.

Honestly though, I think that this time alone will be good for me in the long run. I'm actually keeping to my gym schedule, which is something I haven't done since sophomore year in college. So hopefully in 9 months I'll finally have reached the goal I've worked on for the last decade. After that it's all maintenance. But I gotta get there first, and although occasionally meeting some new people would certainly be a welcome addition to my life, this time is probably the best time to really get to where I really want to go. Work on *self* rather than work on what I think others would want of me.

So like in many things in life, there's a silver lining. Thanks to all of you here who took the time to respond. I've thought on your words, and I'll continue to reflect on everything you guys have said. I'll probably be re-reading a number of posts people's advice over the next few days. It helps.

Oh also, no I don't know of any dog parks nearby. My dog's a rescue and for some reason is unpredictable among other dogs. If another dog so much as hesitates a little around him, he goes nuts. So I'm afraid of getting him too close to other dogs, and a trainer told me that a muzzle at a park is worse because he'll associate other dogs with the feeling of being defenseless. It's a catch-22.

[seeking balance]

Vatz,

I totally remember that feeling - I was kinda lost when I realized I needed to make new friends and did meetups and such.  It is tough... .funny how we throw a 5 year old into kindergarten and expect them to do it though LOL

You are going through big growth - it is in learning to be alone and ok that I found strength to not settle.  Sometimes life can be lonely, every single person feels this way at times, it is part of the human condition.  It will be ok though.

Keep us posted on the meetup - 

Peace,

SB

[pilgrim]

Vatz,

I'm in the alone situation too - and I'm 54 with PTSD, no job, in a new city.  I just try to accept it and say "this is where I am right now, it won't last forever - this too shall pass."  I'm doing the meetup thing with all its frustrations and forcing myself to chat up strangers (very hard for me).

I don't have a solution but at least you know you're not alone in your aloneness.

Sometimes it's possible to be alone and quite happy.

Good luck.