Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

In what way do you process, dispose of or edit the now tainted{?} memories of experiences that you had while together with your ex as they now enter your brain from time to time at random moments? More specifically I am referring to the fun times and unique experiences group.

Total memories of my uBPDstbxw

20% Fantasy Romance

30% Fun Times / Unique Experiences

50% Abuse - Emotional / Physical

Just a few examples of what I mean:

Watching our local NFL team win a playoff game in the last seconds while braving the heavy rain in ponchos while laughing and eating nachos and pizza and remembering we stood in line for 6 hours the day before for tickets. What do you do when you watch the team play on tv now and have a thought of this past experience pop up?

We saw our favorite band (?)(Who really knows though, she probably lied about even liking the band) at a music festival. When I think of that memorable experience I remember six bands were really cool and one sucked and she ate pretzels and nachos and I had a chicken sandwich and that one band was really loud and she got sick and I took care of her. If you hear one of those bands play on the radio now and have past thoughts about the festival?

The only time either of us water ski'd was during a trip to a lake in May. When a random thought about ski'ing arises now how can I look back at this and enjoy actually remembering ski'ing and not remember being told while in the boat "fantasy romance lies". How can you not remember eating the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches together and instead just remember something else?

At the local pizza restaurant we used to order a specific weird pizza combination. How can you eat the pizza now and not think that she picked the olives off of it in the past?

A. Block out the memory at all costs to avoid any degree of pain out of your mind when the thought first enters your mind?

5 seconds.

B. Briefly reflect and file the whole memory under the bs fantasy lie classification thereby tainting all of this past experience?

30-60 seconds

C. Briefly reflect and take what you want from the memory by separating good, bad, real and fake and keep the good?

1-3 minutes

D. Photo-shop edit remove your ex entirely out of the memory of the experience and keep the rest in tact and enjoy the memory.

30-60 seconds

E. Think of the memory in all of its fullness and reality and file everything in its proper category and have peace, happiness and understanding.

3-5 minutes

So my question for you is do you practice A, B, C, D or E method of dealing with things or what? Maybe from your responses I will learn something hopefully. I am largely detached but unfortunately still experience pain. I'm sure it's now amplified by the fact I just filled for divorce.

[AwakenedOne]

In what way do you process, dispose of or edit the now tainted{?} memories of experiences that you had while together with your ex as they now enter your brain from time to time at random moments? More specifically I am referring to the fun times and unique experiences group.

Total memories of my uBPDstbxw

20% Fantasy Romance

30% Fun Times / Unique Experiences

50% Abuse - Emotional / Physical

Just a few examples of what I mean:

Watching our local NFL team win a playoff game in the last seconds while braving the heavy rain in ponchos while laughing and eating nachos and pizza and remembering we stood in line for 6 hours the day before for tickets. What do you do when you watch the team play on tv now and have a thought of this past experience pop up?

We saw our favorite band (?)(Who really knows though, she probably lied about even liking the band) at a music festival. When I think of that memorable experience I remember six bands were really cool and one sucked and she ate pretzels and nachos and I had a chicken sandwich and that one band was really loud and she got sick and I took care of her. If you hear one of those bands play on the radio now and have past thoughts about the festival?

The only time either of us water ski'd was during a trip to a lake in May. When a random thought about ski'ing arises now how can I look back at this and enjoy actually remembering ski'ing and not remember being told while in the boat "fantasy romance lies". How can you not remember eating the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches together and instead just remember something else?

At the local pizza restaurant we used to order a specific weird pizza combination. How can you eat the pizza now and not think that she picked the olives off of it in the past?

A. Block out the memory at all costs to avoid any degree of pain out of your mind when the thought first enters your mind?

5 seconds.

B. Briefly reflect and file the whole memory under the bs fantasy lie classification thereby tainting all of this past experience?

30-60 seconds

C. Briefly reflect and take what you want from the memory by separating good, bad, real and fake and keep the good?

1-3 minutes

D. Photo-shop edit remove your ex entirely out of the memory of the experience and keep the rest in tact and enjoy the memory.

30-60 seconds

E. Think of the memory in all of its fullness and reality and file everything in its proper category and have peace, happiness and understanding.

3-5 minutes

So my question for you is do you practice A, B, C, D or E method of dealing with things or what? Maybe from your responses I will learn something hopefully. I am largely detached but unfortunately still experience pain. I'm sure it's now amplified by the fact I just filled for divorce.

[Blimblam]

I really think those memories are stored not only in the mind but in the body as the truama that taints the memories. I believe by processing the trauma stored in the body felt as fear, anxiety, guilt, shame by experiencing the bodily sensations of them we are able to process the negative energy we have internalized. They are felt as tension and as we experience the tension without fighting it or pushing it away we release it.

[Tausk]

The entire movie was a reenactment of my interaction with my ex, except no happy ending. 

I must remember in order not to repeat my mistakes.  And my mistake was not the interaction or inviting the Disorder into my life.

My mistake was not developing a genuine self based on my core values.  It was a mistake, not a sin or a reflection of my character.  It was a mistake that was incubated in my childhood.  But I am in the process of correcting that error.  I've been through more than one gfwBPD.  I repeated because I didn't understand before.  I do now.  I remember and understand.  It won't happen again.

Sorry about the suffering from filing.  It must be very hard on you.  I hope that you can be kind to yourself.

In support,

T

[AwakenedOne]

I really think those memories are stored not only in the mind but in the body as the truama that taints the memories. I believe by processing the trauma stored in the body felt as fear, anxiety, guilt, shame by experiencing the bodily sensations of them we are able to process the negative energy we have internalized. They are felt as tension and as we experience the tension without fighting it or pushing it away we release it.

Hi Blimblam -  Do you mean tears, anger, forgiveness and prayer will release it or what?

[Blimblam]

I really think those memories are stored not only in the mind but in the body as the truama that taints the memories. I believe by processing the trauma stored in the body felt as fear, anxiety, guilt, shame by experiencing the bodily sensations of them we are able to process the negative energy we have internalized. They are felt as tension and as we experience the tension without fighting it or pushing it away we release it.

Hi Blimblam -  Do you mean tears, anger, forgiveness and prayer will release it or what?

Well today I wept like a baby it was loud and for the first time I didn't feel shame while crying. 

Crying is a powerful form of release. But mostly what happens is I get used to embracing the physical feeling and I nottice tension and I conciously release the tension.

It is overcoming the urge to repress feelings just like I have a conditioned tendency to repress myself from crying.

Just nottice when you feel an uncomfortable feeling and became aware of your minds conditioned response to push that feeling away. 

Make a concious effort to embrace that uncomfortable feeling and nottice the physical aspect of it in your body and embrace that feeling.  It may take practice.

[LettingGo14]

Here's my theory.  I don't know if it works completely, but I'll share it with you because I describe the method to myself as "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind."  

**

A little background -- when I first came to this community, a few months after abandonment, I was stuck in the "story of us" - that is, what we did, what we said, what we hoped would happen.    My brain was in a constant loop of thoughts, ruminating.  Mostly, trying to answer the question:  What the heck happened?   I thought I could fix her, or me, or us, and everything would be okay.  As in "if only... .if only... .if only... ."  

Like you, AO, I had over 50% of the time spent in disorder chaos.  Gaslighting, splitting, drama... .cycles and recycles.   Looking back, I was always walking on eggshells.   When it was good --- it was great.  But, like a slot machine that pays off intermittently, the wins were fewer and fewer, and my brain kept thinking the big payoff was one pull away (when, in reality, I was emotionally bankrupting myself in the process).

Over a 4 year relationship, we had a number of cycles and recycles.  We never married.  But, the relationship had started after I divorced, and (perhaps fortunately) I wasn't ready to jump immediately into marriage again.

**

After I found this community, I tried cognitive techniques on memories, including  (1) challenging validity, (2) forcibly removing, (3) relaxing into, and (4) reframing.   Sometimes I found temporary relief.  Other times I found that my "thinking" simply stirred my emotions into intense anxiety and anger.    

So I started a meditation practice.  I stopped consciously trying to "figure it out."  I worked, in sitting, to exit the past and release the future -- coming only to the present moment, and what I was sitting with in the here and now.

I dropped from my mind into my emotions, and specifically into how my body was holding emotions.  Let's say, for instance, I was triggered by a movie we watched together.   Rather than try to do A, B, C, D or E, I'd take a deep breath and feel the wave of emotion (without the story).    

I came to realize that I had encoded a whole range of implicit meanings to my ex-girlfriend.   I came to regard my emotional pain as symptomatic of my unconscious refusal to admit some things: (a) I was unable to fix things, (b) I was humiliated by her, and (c) I wanted that big soul mate dream so so so badly that I gave her the power to grant it or deny it.   I was in pain because I'd rather be in pain than admit defeat.   I'd rather be in pain than admit how much I hurt because of how humiliated I felt by her.

***

My technique, born out of reading about coherence therapy, is to really feel the emotion that arises with a trigger.   I sit with it for 3-5 minutes and let it rise to full effect.   I don't resist it, or at least try not to.   I try to let it tell me intuitively why I feel it.    It's usually related to (a) my inability to fix things, (b) the humiliation I felt, or (c) the end of the dream/fantasy.

My ex-girlfriend is just one human of 7 billion plus on this planet.   I gave her way too much power.   I'm done giving her power.   It might not be "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" but it is a way for me to reclaim agency.   I don't believe "things happen for a reason" -- but I do believe that "it's not what happens to us -- it's how we relate to it."

Hope that makes some sense.  Again, just my technique.

[Blimblam]

I have found the technique letting go describes as being the most effective for me personally.

I want to add though I will what seems like daily spend a few hours doing that practice and every week or so a bunch of mind connections happen and a stream of thought pours out.  That stream of thought is how my mind made sense of what I let go of. But then that becomes the new layer I am stuck in and I tend to still feel the bond to her but on an entirely different level. It becomes the new "story" I am stuck in trying to make sense of. 

[AwakenedOne]

The entire movie was a reenactment of my interaction with my ex, except no happy ending. 

I must remember in order not to repeat my mistakes.  And my mistake was not the interaction or inviting the Disorder into my life.

My mistake was not developing a genuine self based on my core values.  It was a mistake, not a sin or a reflection of my character.  It was a mistake that was incubated in my childhood.  But I am in the process of correcting that error.  I've been through more than one gfwBPD.  I repeated because I didn't understand before.  I do now.  I remember and understand.  It won't happen again.

Sorry about the suffering from filing.  It must be very hard on you.  I hope that you can be kind to yourself.

In support,

T

I like your determination Tausk. Sorry you've gone through what you have. I hope in the end you and me both have a happy ending with the girl that's right for us. 

[AwakenedOne]

I have found the technique letting go describes as being the most effective for me personally.

I want to add though I will what seems like daily spend a few hours doing that practice and every week or so a bunch of mind connections happen and a stream of thought pours out.  That stream of thought is how my mind made sense of what I let go of. But then that becomes the new layer I am stuck in and I tend to still feel the bond to her but on an entirely different level. It becomes the new "story" I am stuck in trying to make sense of. 

Is this the technique you use when you listen to Tool? I remember you saying their music has helped you a lot. Just wondering if you add music into the mix?

Maybe I will listen to "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley 24/7 from now on to keep good vibes going which will cause me to have a "good vibes shield" to protect myself and my brain. The thing is though, after only 24hrs I would probably be a brainwashed zombie.

[Blimblam]

I have found the technique letting go describes as being the most effective for me personally.

I want to add though I will what seems like daily spend a few hours doing that practice and every week or so a bunch of mind connections happen and a stream of thought pours out.  That stream of thought is how my mind made sense of what I let go of. But then that becomes the new layer I am stuck in and I tend to still feel the bond to her but on an entirely different level. It becomes the new "story" I am stuck in trying to make sense of.  

Is this the technique you use when you listen to Tool? I remember you saying their music has helped you a lot. Just wondering if you add music into the mix?

Maybe I will listen to "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley 24/7 from now on to keep good vibes going which will cause me to have a "good vibes shield" to protect myself and my brain. The thing is though, after only 24hrs I would probably be a brainwashed zombie.

Yes it's what I use tool for. While I like bob Marley and reggae in general I don't recommend it for this use.  

The band tool and a perfect circle have the same singer. Maynard James Keenan. About 15-20% of his songs lyrics are specifically about him relating to an interaction with a borderline and how that made him feel. He knows how it feels and the music really captures the emotions of this experience like nothing else. A good song to check out about how he relates to it and how his relationship to the experience changes is the two versions of the song push it.  

I mean, I think otherwise music may be a type of distraction from experiencing the feeling itself.  

The experience of feeling the emotions we don't want to feel is uncomfortable and it can be overwhelming their is a release though.

Having all those thoughts pour out is not a technique I can't really help it it just happens.

The technique is experiencing the physical aspect of uncomfortable emotions fully untill they pass. The rest seems to resolve itself. The answers just seem to come on their own with this technique.

[AwakenedOne]

Here's my theory.  I don't know if it works completely, but I'll share it with you because I describe the method to myself as "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind."  

**

A little background -- when I first came to this community, a few months after abandonment, I was stuck in the "story of us" - that is, what we did, what we said, what we hoped would happen.    My brain was in a constant loop of thoughts, ruminating.  Mostly, trying to answer the question:  What the heck happened?   I thought I could fix her, or me, or us, and everything would be okay.  As in "if only... .if only... .if only... ."  

Like you, AO, I had over 50% of the time spent in disorder chaos.  Gaslighting, splitting, drama... .cycles and recycles.   Looking back, I was always walking on eggshells.   When it was good --- it was great.  But, like a slot machine that pays off intermittently, the wins were fewer and fewer, and my brain kept thinking the big payoff was one pull away (when, in reality, I was emotionally bankrupting myself in the process).

Over a 4 year relationship, we had a number of cycles and recycles.  We never married.  But, the relationship had started after I divorced, and (perhaps fortunately) I wasn't ready to jump immediately into marriage again.

**

After I found this community, I tried cognitive techniques on memories, including  (1) challenging validity, (2) forcibly removing, (3) relaxing into, and (4) reframing.   Sometimes I found temporary relief.  Other times I found that my "thinking" simply stirred my emotions into intense anxiety and anger.    

So I started a meditation practice.  I stopped consciously trying to "figure it out."  I worked, in sitting, to exit the past and release the future -- coming only to the present moment, and what I was sitting with in the here and now.

I dropped from my mind into my emotions, and specifically into how my body was holding emotions.  Let's say, for instance, I was triggered by a movie we watched together.   Rather than try to do A, B, C, D or E, I'd take a deep breath and feel the wave of emotion (without the story).    

I came to realize that I had encoded a whole range of implicit meanings to my ex-girlfriend.   I came to regard my emotional pain as symptomatic of my unconscious refusal to admit some things: (a) I was unable to fix things, (b) I was humiliated by her, and (c) I wanted that big soul mate dream so so so badly that I gave her the power to grant it or deny it.   I was in pain because I'd rather be in pain than admit defeat.   I'd rather be in pain than admit how much I hurt because of how humiliated I felt by her.

***

My technique, born out of reading about coherence therapy, is to really feel the emotion that arises with a trigger.   I sit with it for 3-5 minutes and let it rise to full effect.   I don't resist it, or at least try not to.   I try to let it tell me intuitively why I feel it.    It's usually related to (a) my inability to fix things, (b) the humiliation I felt, or (c) the end of the dream/fantasy.

My ex-girlfriend is just one human of 7 billion plus on this planet.   I gave her way too much power.   I'm done giving her power.   It might not be "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" but it is a way for me to reclaim agency.   I don't believe "things happen for a reason" -- but I do believe that "it's not what happens to us -- it's how we relate to it."

Hope that makes some sense.  Again, just my technique.

I understand exactly what your saying about the slot machine and waiting for the big payoff. I hung around and invested a lot of coins in that machine also. In the end though she took the machine and all of the money out of it and ran off.

I just started reading about coherence therapy. Thanks for sharing your technique. I guess I have been more avoiding the feelings since they feel so negative and hurtful. After being married to someone 4 years almost everything is a reminder of this person. I am determined to find peace. I will.

[Reforming]

Hi Awakened,

When I first saw Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind it really struck a chord with me.

In some way I felt it validated me and my relationship.

Joel (Jim Carrey) choses to stay with Clementine (Kate Winslet) because he loves here - even though he knows he's being badly hurt and it's unhealthy.

I somehow saw it as a parable that love can conquer all (vulnerable narcissism)  

But did it really have a happy ending? When I think about it now, I see a man who is stuck, like a lot of us were, trapped in a endless cycle of unhealthy behaviour.

I don't envy him.

I think LettingGo's approach make sense. It sounds a lot like mindfulness where you stop trying to avoid painful memories and emotions but allow yourself to be with them.

Not indulge them or judge them - just observe them. Accepting them gives them less power over us and it allows us to heal. It does takes practice and I'm still working on it.

Would I really want to delete all my memories of my relationship?

Our memories are a defining part of our identity so no. I want to learn to accept them without harsh self judgement or anger towards my ex

Reforming

[foiles]

Hi all. I think this is such a good topic and it's great to hear people's techniques to overcome/deal with the continuous mind games that still play out. It's been years since I had my BPDbf experience and I've been married to a wonderful man for 3 years. However, even now, although very infrequently, I'll still have a 'talk' with him... .In my mind. When you are forced to deal with someone else's drama 24/7 it becomes a habit. And habits are often broken by replacing them with something else. I agree with all that everyone here has said. I use the tools I learned, such as radical acceptance, when trying to heal from my experience even now- like at work or even mundane things like golf.

When I have strong emotions I tell myself what they are. I try to state them explicitly the best I can. For example, I'd say to myself "Of course I am thinking about him. I'm worried he will come by the house. I'm afraid (and so much is related to fear) he will (fill in the blank). He occupied every second of my life. It's natural to think about things that caused so much pain. EMOTIONS will not kill me." this is just an example, but I use a similar thought process for many things.

Tell yourself not to think about cows. What will you think about? Cows. Just by acknowledging your thoughts and feelings lessens them. A really good book for analyzing your emotions and dealing with them is "Nonviolent Communication" (there's more to the title but I don't have the book with me).

At the same time, learning deep breathing meditation also allows you a way to steer chaotic thoughts to a more relaxed frame and a way to calm yourself.

I read, read, read, about ways to live an emotionally balanced life, wrote about what I was going through, therapy, prayer for a time, volunteered at the local shelter, POSITIVE things that helped me through it. It takes time and effort, but is so worth it. To replace the negative, I tried to do positive. But it doesn't have to be perfect. Nothing is. One step forward... .

It hurts to think that the good memories will always be tainted. Even in A Spotless Mind the characters had some 'recollection' of each other. You can't erase memorires, but with work, you can stop them from controlling you. I learned so much from this experience that has helped my life, that I can't say I'm sorry for the work I had to do to overcome it. I wish I hadn't had to be in pain, and he didnt have to be in pain, but that's life. And we can learn from it to have a less painful life in the future.

Sorry this is so long. In brief, I practice radical acceptance, deep breathing mediation, and whenever I ruminated about him, I tried to recognize what I was doing and switch to something that focused on me, how I can improve, not him. In time, it becomes easier. The memories lessen and when they come up, they now hold little power.  When a loved one dies, the immediate pain is intense. But over time it lessens. We may still think about them, memories pop in, and even cry from time to time. But it doesn't rule your life. With a BPD experience, it is harder, but your efforts will bear fruit.

You're in the early stages, so it will take some time. Give yourself a break. It is normal what you are going through.

Take care.

Foiles

[ldeora]

Her apartment was in walking distance to mine. Everything reminded me of her: the bars and parcs we used to frequent, that pizza place, ... .

What helped was to force myself to think that this pizza place is MY place, not hers, not ours. That band she liked? It's MY favorite band, not ours. She just happened to like the same band as me but that doesn't make it "our" band.

Side note: the movie "(500) Days of Summer" is based on the relationship I had with my ex - so it seems.  We watched it together and we were shocked.

[honeysuckle]

I try to look at it like a reclaiming of thing as well. It is kind of a twisted way to see things perhaps but if I think about my perception as opposed to his it helps me. It was "our" favorite restaurant, movie, vacation spot... .But was it? I think maybe he just wanted me to be happy and took me places and did things I liked.

If i give it more thought who knows if he was even enjoying these things and not thinking about something or someone else at the time and I wasn't even aware.  If he was mirroring my things and now is gone why should I think those things mean anything to him at all now? Her favorite things are now his favorite things. Why should I have to give up my things? I have given up enough! It was hard at first. flooded with memories avoiding places and things. But it got easier the more I did them without him.