Friend with BPD/ HPD?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi guys. Not sure this is the right place to post (didnt find a better board, though). If its not, please move my thread.

I have posted before about this friend. I had decided to go NC with her, but again, after some time, we started talking.

Shes funny and smart, but as you all know, has this raging side and mean remarks too. After she showed interest in my r/s with this guy, she used the info against me. So now Im back to NC again and dont intend to ever go back.

It seems not only I have uBPD/ HPS/ NPDs in my family, but some friends too (quelle surprise!). Id like your opinion on this, cause I thought she was a drama queen (HPD) but now I see a darker side, a mean evil one. Am I over reacting?

She goes after married men and likes to tell me about them, although  she knows my views on this and I told her Im not interested in details, cause she raged at me before (either u agree with her or not, she rages!). Also, it bothers me her attitude of "all men wanting her". She craves attention and facebook is a feast for her, having 2000 "friends" there.

What I hadnt seen before is this "dysregulation", from time to time. She raged at me days ago and now posts on facebook picking fights with people (ex: "this engaged guy is after me, I told him I dont want thim!".

Im tired of the drama, the childishness and the need for attention. Even her lover told her shes bipolar (hes terrifyed she contacts his wife, according to her).

I never noticed this periodical dysregulation on my uBPD family members. Is this common? Or am I way off and paranoid? The more I look, the more it seems Im surrounded by uPDs... . Thank you;

[Louise7777]

Hi guys. Not sure this is the right place to post (didnt find a better board, though). If its not, please move my thread.

I have posted before about this friend. I had decided to go NC with her, but again, after some time, we started talking.

Shes funny and smart, but as you all know, has this raging side and mean remarks too. After she showed interest in my r/s with this guy, she used the info against me. So now Im back to NC again and dont intend to ever go back.

It seems not only I have uBPD/ HPS/ NPDs in my family, but some friends too (quelle surprise!). Id like your opinion on this, cause I thought she was a drama queen (HPD) but now I see a darker side, a mean evil one. Am I over reacting?

She goes after married men and likes to tell me about them, although  she knows my views on this and I told her Im not interested in details, cause she raged at me before (either u agree with her or not, she rages!). Also, it bothers me her attitude of "all men wanting her". She craves attention and facebook is a feast for her, having 2000 "friends" there.

What I hadnt seen before is this "dysregulation", from time to time. She raged at me days ago and now posts on facebook picking fights with people (ex: "this engaged guy is after me, I told him I dont want thim!".

Im tired of the drama, the childishness and the need for attention. Even her lover told her shes bipolar (hes terrifyed she contacts his wife, according to her).

I never noticed this periodical dysregulation on my uBPD family members. Is this common? Or am I way off and paranoid? The more I look, the more it seems Im surrounded by uPDs... . Thank you;

[beatup]

I had a uBPD friend for a while as well. Of course I didn't see it at first but with time I just didn't want to be around her, she made me miserable but my husband liked her husband so I endured. It all ended one fateful night when she got drunk, she was always drunk but this night she got really mad at me cuz her husband was being arrested for DUI and I said she shouldn't go down there(cuz she would have been arrested for disorderly conduct.) She came at me like she was going to hit me! My husband stepped between us. Yay Husband!  That was the end of that relationship & I do not miss her.

[Kwamina]

Hi Louise7777

How have you been? I still remember your previous posts about your difficult aunts but now you're dealing with someone else.

I have posted before about this friend. I had decided to go NC with her, but again, after some time, we started talking.

Shes funny and smart, but as you all know, has this raging side and mean remarks too. After she showed interest in my r/s with this guy, she used the info against me. So now Im back to NC again and dont intend to ever go back.

It's clear that you've had issues with this friend before. How many times have you gone NC with her and how long did that last? How did you started talking again this time and who initiated that? How long have you known her?

It seems not only I have uBPD/ HPS/ NPDs in my family, but some friends too (quelle surprise!). Id like your opinion on this, cause I thought she was a drama queen (HPD) but now I see a darker side, a mean evil one. Am I over reacting?

Could you tell us a bit more about your friend's 'evil' side? You say that she rages and makes mean remarks, when does this usually happen and does she do this with other people too or only with you? You point out she picks fights on facebook with other people but does she also take her anger or frustrations out on other people in real life like she seems to be doing with you?

She goes after married men and likes to tell me about them, although  she knows my views on this and I told her Im not interested in details, cause she raged at me before (either u agree with her or not, she rages!). Also, it bothers me her attitude of "all men wanting her". She craves attention and facebook is a feast for her, having 2000 "friends" there.

I understand why her attitude and behavior might frustrate you, especially taking into account the fact that you hold different views concerning relationships than she seems to do. But it's her life and (unfortunately) you can't control her. If this is the way she wants to live, that's up to her. You don't have to be in contact with her if you don't want to and I think you've come to that conclusion too since you clearly articulated your desire to go NC again.

I never noticed this periodical dysregulation on my uBPD family members. Is this common? Or am I way off and paranoid? The more I look, the more it seems Im surrounded by uPDs... . Thank you;

Emotional dysregulation is definitely common in many people with BPD, I've witnessed that firsthand with my own uBPD family members!  As I learned about PD's it also happened to me that as I closer examined people outside of my family, I noticed possible indicators of PD's. This doesn't necessarily have to mean that they got a PD though, because many 'normal' people sometimes also behave in a strange way. Another thing that often happens with family members of  people who have BPD is that they in a sense get very used to BPD-behavior, they may not like it, yet BPD-like behavior was all they knew growing up. As adults it can then actually happen that we tend to seek out other people who in some way behave similar to our BPD family members. Not because we really like it, but because that's the only type of behavior we are comfortable with. 'Normal' behavior can then actually be a source of anxiety because we are not used to it and expect people to behave differently. Do you feel like something like this might be the case with you too?

[Louise7777]

Hi Kwamina! Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response. This forum is a life-saver and I cant thank you enough indeed.

Ill try to answer your questions one by one.

I have been NC with this friend for the second time now (or maybe the third), but its definetly the last one! We have known each other for about 2 years now, but met twice or three times only. We live in the same city, but we only communicate on facebook or skype (not even phone anymore). She had this routine so familiar to us: she would phone me on my mobile and start talking about her day, without even asking if Im busy... .She has never been to my home (although she invited herself a couple of times) and neither have I been to hers. Like my uHPD/ BPD cousin, shes very private about her home, but able to impose herself on others (or maybe thats a coincidence and not an HPD thing).

She was always the one who resumed contact, little by little. I established boundaries that were not respected, obviously. I dont comment on her love life and told her I dont want to hear about it (Im tired of her fabricated drama) but she doesnt respect boundaries . Shes funny and we share political views, so in that way its nice to keep in touch. I had decided Id keep the friendship into that level and that would be fine, but apparently its not enough for her and I got dragged back into the soap opera (yes, my fault completely, I can see keeping it in any way doesnt work).

I dont "witness" her behaviour with others in real life, I can only go by what she tells me: she picks fights to calm herself down. She said it herself. She fights in the subway, in university, etc. She is a single mom of a teenage daughter, I dont know if they fight or not. But he fights with her mom and sister who live abroad. I believe she has this HUGE need of attention and uses sex to get it. About the dysregulation, I think it happens every few months, maybe 3 or 4. Her lover isnt giving her what she wants and seems to be pulling away (she broke up with him again) so I believe that triggered her... .

The evil side I mentioned is something new to me. She fought with me on facebook, for something that I had posted (unrelated to her) and had some mean remarks on how I think Im sophisticated... .I told her to go pick a fight with somebody else and deleted everything. Other episode was when she was interested in my r/s with this guy (something unusual, since she monologues but never actually listens). The next day she invalidated me saying I dont forgive and move on with him. Totally invalidating and out of the blue. I should known better, shes uncapable of empathy.

Regarding my family and friends, I guess I picked up friends with uPDs particularly because I enable them, not cause its familiar to me. I realize now I had many f/s who were one-sided cause I let things go for way too long. I always tried to see the good side in them, but now Im done and I ended some "friendships" recently.

I never noticed dysregulation within my family, one of my uBPD aunts was lashing out at people ALL THE TIME, every time you met her, so I could say dysregulation was her "normal" state. The other one maybe dysregulated, but she was always paranoid, jealous and needy, so I dont really remember seeing that... .

[Louise7777]

Hi Beatup! I hadnt seen your reply, Im sorry!

I know the feeling of being miserable and drained around them. In my case, I saw a funny and interesting side too, so I hoped to have that while establishing boundaries. But it didnt work.

Im glad you are NC with her. Its unbeliavable the ammount of drama around them. This constant turmoil pushed me away. Seems your friend enjoyed drama and when you tried to make the situation better, she raged. Now I think we are "bubble-busters" for them, cause instead of adding drama, we difuse and that makes them enraged... .

Thank you for your words, Im glad you are away from her!

[Kwamina]

Hi again Louise!

Thanks for the extra information and I'm very happy you've found this forum so valuable. My experience here has been quite similar, bpdfamily has really helped me to better deal with my BPD relatives.

Regarding my family and friends, I guess I picked up friends with uPDs particularly because I enable them, not cause its familiar to me. I realize now I had many f/s who were one-sided cause I let things go for way too long. I always tried to see the good side in them, but now Im done and I ended some "friendships" recently.

Many of our members could in fact be classified as enablers at one point or another, myself included. People with PD's can be very difficult to deal with, but just like in any other relationship the other person involved also plays a part in how the relationship dynamics develop. Realizing that you yourself might have contributed in a negative way to these relationships can be somewhat unpleasant but I do believe it's an important step forward that you now recognize your own role in these relationships. Now that you've acknowledge this you can start working on how to interact differently with people so your future friendships will hopefully be more balanced and the likelihood decreases of you getting too close with any more possible PD people.

I never noticed dysregulation within my family, one of my uBPD aunts was lashing out at people ALL THE TIME, every time you met her, so I could say dysregulation was her "normal" state. The other one maybe dysregulated, but she was always paranoid, jealous and needy, so I dont really remember seeing that... .

I remember you mentioned in the past that one of your aunts was quite sadistic. The main difference with your 'friend' then seems to be that your 'friend' also has pleasant moments but then all of a sudden gets into a totally different emotional state. Your aunt on the other hand is always in that other state

[Louise7777]

Kwamina, you are the best! Your memory is impressive! How come you remember such things? I cant remember what I had for dinner last night! 

Certainly, it takes two to tango. Im very aware of that and its very clear its partially my fault too. To say the whole truth, I have a few great friends too. But some others I had to cut from my life. Now I see that I instinctively pulled back cause their attitude was draining or annoying. I never paid much attention to my gut feelings, but its something I have to be more aware about.

I read somewhere that we, codependents/ enablers, have this type of r/s cause we put up with things no one else would. Also, we only give and we should take, so we see whos our friend and whos not. Thats very simple but I didnt think that way... .

Yep, you were right about my sadistic aunt. I did some soul-searching in the past months to try to find out what made me a target. I came to the conclusion that they see empathy as a weakness they can exploit. And also, I believe they are jealous somehow and dont want to share the attention, so they have to bring us down. It may not sound humble from me, but thats how I see it.

I have a long way to go still, but Im learning about red flags and boundaries.

Just an update on this "friend": she posted on facebook that some women fights with her even when she agrees with her... .Funny thing, thats what I told her last time we talked, that even when I agree with her, she rages at me. Projection much?   Shes still on my facebook friends list, Ill keep her that way (and NC) and after some time Ill just delete her. If I do it now, she will go in a campaign against me and I just want to disappear from her sight in the most quiet way possible.