I feel so hurt today

[newlifeBPDfree]

Today was a very emotionally draining day for me. My exBPD just confirmed a feeling I had for a long time - He cheated on me when I was pregnant with our child. Additionally, he cheated on me while we were dating with my friend... .We are now divorced but he's been begging me to take him back. He tells me I did not give us a chance. We were split up a couple times already throughout our 10-year marriage and I felt like he got enough chances.

I don't know why he told me all those things after such a long time but it really hurts. It makes the whole relationship a lie and my struggle to stay together meaningless.

I also am having really hard time disengaging from him. He doesn't seem to take no for an answer even though hes currently living with a girlfriend. I'm so confused, hurt and drained. I just want peace. I don't know what to do anymore. I almost feel there was a program similar to witness protection program for people trying to break free from a BPD relationship.

[woodsposse]

 

Finding out about the cheating especially during the marriage but most especially while you were pregnant is a very difficult thing to have sitting on you.  Unfortunately, it is all to common and the confusing behaviors, even after the relationship ruptures, is both insulting, hurtful and more of the same emotional abuse I'm sure you have been through (as we all have).

You may have heard this term before, but what is happening is called an Extinction Burst.  They can get darker and louder before it burns out... .but it will subside.  I did't find out about that term until after I had come here and was just ready to totally detach from my ex.  I wish I had known about it when we first (finally) really split up... .cause I sure wasn't ready for what followed and it was very very difficult to make the final detachment.

But don't worry.  All of this is "normal" after a breakup like this... .and I say normal and don't worry as to give you a glimmer of hope that this too shall pass.  Trust me.  It will and it does.  Well... .at least it gets easier.

I know when I was in it... .and just after we split I never thought I'd be at the place where I am today.  It took a while - and I still have a few set backs from time to time... .but generally - I'm glad it's over and behind me.

I'm sorry you have a child in the mix of this.  How old is your son now? Things can be difficult for the children as well so I hope you ahve a good network of folks around you for support.

[newlifeBPDfree]

Thank you woodsposse for the kind words. I do hope it gets easier as I can't take this rollercoaster any longer. I thought it would all pass with a divorce which took place in December but I feel like things just escalated after the divorce and it got much worse instead. I do sometimes feel like I'm over it emotionally for the most part but then something happens and it feels like I'm just starting.

I've never heard the term Extinction Burst but it all makes sense. Just being on this site for a couple days I have found out so much. I wish I found it sooner.

I have a daughter and she is now 10 years old. I'm sure it's hard for her too sometimes but I'm trying to stay strong for her.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello Newlife:

How difficult it is to congratulate someone for a victory like this.  The beginning of your new life also entailed ending a chapter.  It will definitely take time and careful nurturing of your own fledgling self before you can start blossoming again.  Your husband's admissions have set your personal healing back.

I have a different perspective on cheating and more importantly, people who seek forgiveness from those who have been wronged.

I think that his admission has put you in a role of a priest penitent.  He wants absolution and forgiveness.  Your absolution and forgiveness in his mind needs to take the form of resuming the role of a loving kind forgiving accepting wife.  He wants unconditional love and acceptance.

Well, you are not his confessor.  You are not his healer.  You can only thrive in the role of an equal companion.  Any other role thrust upon you whether that of a healer/confessor/parent/happiness-grantor... .any other role is unrealistic.  Your very humanity sets you up to failure to fulfill that role.  You can have this role to a child... .not to an adult who has the emotional age of a child.  When you fulfill this role to a child, the child's love and the morality of the interaction will replenish your spirit.  When you fulfill (or try to) fulfill this role to an adult with child-like impulse control, then your spirit will just shrivel away with guilt of failing to do so as there is no replenishment, no nourishment... .the soil around your heart will turn gradually to sand... .

He had problems... .he coped with them by immoral and unethical ways.  Instead of counseling, he sought the sugar high of liaisons.  At worst it shows immoral and unethical behavior/at best it shows poor discipline, poor self control, impulsive and self-absorbed behavior... .

To me confessing all this is like rubbing salt in your wounds.  I personally find his action an appeal to you to become his "mother" and heal him magically with your soothing presence.

I think his expectation from you is setting you up for failure... .your failure to take his pain and guilt away will turn you into a "bad" person, a controlling abusive cold unforgiving person.

He is giving you a choice between a frying pan and a fire.

Take yourself out of the choice altogether.

Choose abstinence from this role.  You are not his priest, he is not your penitent, you are not his confessor, you are not his mother, you are not his counselor, you are not GOD.

Admitting your own limitations will set you free... .free to be strong and loving and forgiving and nurturing to your progeny.

I, an elderly member of your gender... .who has seen much, observed much and learnt much... .I forgive you for your humanity and allow you to thrive for your future is with your children and with yourself.

[woodsposse]

Hello Newlife:

How difficult it is to congratulate someone for a victory like this.  The beginning of your new life also entailed ending a chapter.  It will definitely take time and careful nurturing of your own fledgling self before you can start blossoming again.  Your husband's admissions have set your personal healing back.

I have a different perspective on cheating and more importantly, people who seek forgiveness from those who have been wronged.

I think that his admission has put you in a role of a priest penitent.  He wants absolution and forgiveness.  Your absolution and forgiveness in his mind needs to take the form of resuming the role of a loving kind forgiving accepting wife.  He wants unconditional love and acceptance.

Well, you are not his confessor.  You are not his healer.  You can only thrive in the role of an equal companion.  Any other role thrust upon you whether that of a healer/confessor/parent/happiness-grantor... .any other role is unrealistic.  Your very humanity sets you up to failure to fulfill that role.  You can have this role to a child... .not to an adult who has the emotional age of a child.  When you fulfill this role to a child, the child's love and the morality of the interaction will replenish your spirit.  When you fulfill (or try to) fulfill this role to an adult with child-like impulse control, then your spirit will just shrivel away with guilt of failing to do so as there is no replenishment, no nourishment... .the soil around your heart will turn gradually to sand... .

He had problems... .he coped with them by immoral and unethical ways.  Instead of counseling, he sought the sugar high of liaisons.  At worst it shows immoral and unethical behavior/at best it shows poor discipline, poor self control, impulsive and self-absorbed behavior... .

To me confessing all this is like rubbing salt in your wounds.  I personally find his action an appeal to you to become his "mother" and heal him magically with your soothing presence.

I think his expectation from you is setting you up for failure... .your failure to take his pain and guilt away will turn you into a "bad" person, a controlling abusive cold unforgiving person.

He is giving you a choice between a frying pan and a fire.

Take yourself out of the choice altogether.

Choose abstinence from this role.  You are not his priest, he is not your penitent, you are not his confessor, you are not his mother, you are not his counselor, you are not GOD.

Admitting your own limitations will set you free... .free to be strong and loving and forgiving and nurturing to your progeny.

I, an elderly member of your gender... .who has seen much, observed much and learnt much... .I forgive you for your humanity and allow you to thrive for your future is with your children and with yourself.

THANK YOU! 

Your wording of this is spot on - and something I still need to hear (or read) from time to time!  In my world... .this was exactly what I needed to see at this exact moment!

So ... .again ... .THANK YOU!

[newlifeBPDfree]

Thank you, pallavirajsinghani for the kind and encouraging words. I needed to hear that too.

[goldylamont]

Pallavirasjsinghani I wanted to thank you also! I really appreciate the wisdom.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I read somewhere that for every one of scolding, there needs to be 6 times more loving hugs and kisses before the hurt of the scolding can dissipate in a child.

And what about adults?  I think that probably for every bad memory, there need to 6 good memories before the hurt dissipates.

So healing begins with creation of good moments and since each moment is transitory, it can be only felt as a memory.  The bite of chocolate gets swallowed before the taste hits the taste buds and the mind registers the pleasure... .it is already a memory.

Therefore, the goal is to create good moments and good memories.  We need to treat our lives as if they are our raw material and as if we are conscious and deliberate artists.

To a novitiate it would seem as though I am advocating artificiality.  To an maestro it would ring entirely true natural and completely authentic.  It is the highest and the purest form of aesthetics.  For did not the wise one say,  "Truth is Beauty and Beauty is Truth."

So how do you begin this highly moral artistry?  You begin with very small deliberate steps.  You put on your best dress.  You make your coffee.  You decide to pour it deliberately in the best cup that you have.  You decide to sit in the best spot in your abode.  You decide to observe with deliberation the beautiful texture of your daughter's hair/skin.  The slant of her eyes, her eyelashes, your deliberation will turn into delight and a natural smile will bubble through your heart.  You breathe your sleeping child's presence in deeply... .taking it into the very last membrane of your lungs, you watch how beautiful the moonlight looks on the cotton sheet that you have hung in the window because you have no money for fancy curtains.  You savor the touch of the vegetable you are washing.  You observe the deep dark red of a tomato, you see a cardinal with its amazing burst of red and are struck by its beauty, you look at your own toes and the amazing sensory sensitivity of the soles of the feet will leave you speechless... .if Blake can find Eternity in a grain of sand, so can you... .in a blade of grass, in your daughter's face, in the very breath of your being.

Until the entire cosmos will ring with tiny billions of sweet crystalline bells with a harmony that is only for you, comes from you and is of your own making. 

[swiftkick]

So much good advice here.  I'm new here too, but just wanted to add that I second the idea of a BPD witness protection!  I'm ignored until he decides I'm not responding quickly enough (which means I must have been on a date, paying attention to someone else, etc.) then he will stop at nothing short of banging on my window at 2am because he has written a very important letter that will "change everything!" 

pallavirajsinghani,  your words are beautiful and inspiring.  Thank you!

[newlifeBPDfree]

So much good advice here.  I'm new here too, but just wanted to add that I second the idea of a BPD witness protection!  I'm ignored until he decides I'm not responding quickly enough (which means I must have been on a date, paying attention to someone else, etc.) then he will stop at nothing short of banging on my window at 2am because he has written a very important letter that will "change everything!" 

pallavirajsinghani,  your words are beautiful and inspiring.  Thank you!

It's exactly the same with me. He ignores me most of the time but when he has our daughter with him he needs to know where I am at all times. Heaven forbid I'm on a date, he would make my life hell.

He worries so much that I may be on a date on my evening off that he sometimes has my daughter call me randomly to say "good night" at the most random times of the evening and if I don't answer right away that only fuels his suspicions and insecurities.