I feel guilty all the time.

[SomerledDottir]

I'm having a hard time and I'm hoping someone can help.

My little adventure with uBPDsis was 5 months ago, and I guess I'm at an OK place with it and her.  I am NC, and intend to stay that way.  I have resigned myself to the way things are with her.  When I think of her and our time together, the sharp pain has receded.  I no longer miss her, and am glad to be rid of her drama.  I feel like I'm mostly over it and yet... .

The whole experience reminded me that when my mother dies, I will have no family.  Before last year, when Sis came into my life, that didn't bother me.  Now it stands out in stark relief just how alone I'll be.  Part of me feels lonely and dreading this.  Part of me is feeling glad that my life will finally be my own.  My childhood was spent being abused by my stepfather, while my mother largely sat around and watched, saying, "Keep the peace.". My young adulthood was spent recovering from my childhood.  The rest of my adulthood has been spent looking after my disabled mother and her interests.  I feel ALOT of resentment about all this.

One of my best friends is having a hard time with her troublesome children and their legal problems and she is profoundly depressed.

My mother is starting to show some signs of dementia and I have to keep an even bigger eye on her.  We live together and I'm seeing alot of little things that starting to worry me.

My workplace, oh, God where do I start?  A fascist regime.  Boss(es) on the warpath.  Random and arbitrary rules pulled out of butts, randomly and arbitrarily enforced, constantly understaffed, nothing ever good enough for bosses or customers.  It seems like I can never do anything right, and if I screw up, well, "SomerledDottir, you're a supervisor, no mistake-making allowed.". Words to that effect.  If I'm taking care of customers, I should be cleaning.  I should be talking to customers more, but when I do, my quirky sense of humor is wrong.

I feel guilty all the time.  I get out of bed and HATE going to work.  I feel guilty that I can't go to work and at least ACT reasonably happy to be there.  I'm exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  People have relied on me to be this great worker and I just don't have it anymore.  A few years ago, I would come home from work, jump on the treadmill, I was losing weight.  Then last year, hormones went goony, and I worked out and didn't lose weight, but I kept up the exercise as much as i was physically able.  Now I just cannot get myself up on the treadmill or hike or work out.  I'm short-tempered, I'm complaining, I'm just miserable, and I have no idea what to do about any of it except I feel guilty and make myself feel worse obsessing over my shortcomings and dosing myself with negative self-talk.  Intellectually, I know better than to do this, and I'm sure I'm depressed.  I just don't know what to do.

I even feel a little ashamed posting this, because I know most everybody here has gone through alot worse with their pwBPD than i have.  For me it's just a bad combination of events and bad timing.  Thanks for listening to my rant.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, SomerledDottir,

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. It is really tough feeling exhausted and guilty all the time. I have been depressed before and understand what that is like. Have you talked about your feelings with your doctor or therapist? There is help available, and it can get better.

What specifically would you like help working on?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[SomerledDottir]

Hi, PF,

Thanks for the quick response and for reading my rant.

As to what I need help working on, I honestly don't know specifically.  I'm having trouble sorting through it all, to be honest with you.  I think due to my childhood, I have probably been low-level depressed all my life, and am probably used to that baseline.  But the combination of the unpleasant mid-life hormonal changes that started late in 2012, combined with my elderly mother's late-life health changes, my little adventure with uBPDsis, and the daily unpleasantness at work have conspired to plunge me into a new level of stress and misery that I don't feel equipped to deal with at this time.  I know I need help; I just don't know where to turn or where/how to start.

Up until recently, I didn't have health insurance.  Now I have Obamacare.  The medical group that I go to have, by and large, not been helpful to me in the past.  They seemed to more interested in blowing off their non-insured patients as much as they could get away with in order to concentrate on their insured patients whose insurance companies they could overcharge.  An example was last year when the midlife changes hit, they did a very non-comprehensive metabolic panel on me, as well as tests for anemia, and when those tests came back in the low-range of normal, they declined to do any more tests, saying all any more testing would do was confirm I am perimenopausal.  When i continued to complain of exhaustion, dizziness, and insomnia, they offered me Zoloft as an off-label treatment for perimenopause, knowing damn well I didn't have insurance and couldn't/wouldn't pay out-of-pocket for it.  They offered no other alternatives.  They just seemed to conclude it was OK to let me continue to feel like crap -- "It's menopause, every woman has to go through it, shut up and get over it." was the message I got.

I do not have a therapist.  I had one ages 19-22, when I was dealing with my childhood issues, but got booted off of it at 22, when mother's insurance no longer paid for it.  Up until recently, with no insurance, a T wasn't an option.  I still don't know if it is; I don't know if Obamacare will pay for it.

After writing my earlier post here, I did some research on some natural products to address my depression symptoms.  Herbal supplements have worked to decrease the worst of the perimenopausal stuff I suffered with last year.  Other than that, I have no answers.  Thanks to anyone who does, and thank you again, PF.

[P.F.Change]

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you have had in the past. It sounds like you have a health plan, which is a helpful thing. Perhaps you can give them a call to find out what your mental health benefits are and find therapists in your network. You could also make an appointment with your current doctor for help treating your depression symptoms, or you could look for another one since you don't seem satisfied there.

Does any of those things sound like something you can do?

[Turkish]

My childhood was spent being abused by my stepfather, while my mother largely sat around and watched, saying, "Keep the peace.".

That must have been horrible, especially going on so many years. Our parents are supposed to protect us. Your SF abused you, and your mother basically signaled, "you aren't allowed to feel."

You were told how to feel instead of being allowed to express your feelings. Children see themselves as mirrors expressed in their parents' faces. My T said something like this, and I've seen it voiced elsewhere as well (such as in Lawson in Understanding The Borderlne Mother). Did you feel from your father, "I'm a bad kid," or from your mother, "you deserve it."?

I don't remember consciously feeling those things. I actually remember feelng, "I'm not bad like she says I am." But being raised by a single mother, I got both parents melded into one figure. I think it is confusing either way. I rejected both criticism and praise, having tossed out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak. I still struggle with this. I was a child, so were you. No child deserves to be abused and invalidated.

Do you feel similarly invalidated at work by your fascist management?

[Harri]

Hi.  It sounds like you are under a lot of stress and have quite a bit to carry.  It is a very tough place to be but I know you will get through. 

I have a couple of practical tips to offer you.  Regarding your mom's dementia, please, talk to her doctor about it, and keep talking about it if it seems they are not listening.  Try to keep a diary of things she forgets so you have a list of incidents that you can share.  I had to deal with that a few years back with my father.  It took my going to several doctor's appointments of several months to convince his doctor he was having a problem as he often presented as very aware.  My dad had learned to hide it well, plus it was very intermittent and so even with my telling the doctor he was having memory issues, he did not believe me until one visit where my dad had just had an EKG in the office and not 5 minutes after it, he totally forgot they had done it.  I was just lucky it happened while we were in the office.  There are pills that can be prescribed by her doctor that can help slow the process.

As for your own insurance, all health insurance plans since Obamacare was implemented do offer counseling services though you may have a copay or co insurance unless you are on medicaid.  You can find out just what is covered and how many sessions by calling the member service number on the back of your ins. card or checking out the member services info they should have mailed to you.  If the cost is still prohibitive, even with insurance, a lot of times you can go to a community counseling center and pay according to a sliding scale.  (Whew, I sound like an insurance rep or something :D )  In the meantime though, perhaps you can get a prescription for an antidepressant.  There are a lot of generics out there that work well for people but all of them take a bit of time to kick in.  In the meantime, see if you can find a different doctor to see as it does not sound like you are pleased with their care. (I wouldn't be happy with it).

I have also been in situations similar to what you describe with your work place.  It is a tough tough place to be, especially when your livelihood is in their hands.  I mean really, how on earth do some of these fools get into such high positions?  Yikes!  It is awful when you have to go to work feeling like you do physically and spiritually only to be smacked down by fools.  Try to think of just one thing you can do at work that will make *you* feel satisfied, even if you have to break a rule to do it. 

How do you feel about living with and taking care of your mom?  I ask because I had the same thing with my father and he too just sat back and watched while my mom abused the hell out of me.  I had a lot of anger and resentment from my childhood stored up and it just got worse when I had to move back in with him shortly after my mom died.  I have been told that depression is anger turned inward and that makes sense to me.  My friends thought I was crazy to move back home, but I had to due to serious illness.  It was supposed to be a time where I could have serious surgery and then spend time recovering while not having to pay rent.  Haha... .Two weeks after I moved back and one week before major surgery, I saw the dementia and realized there was no way he was going to be able to help me. 

Living with him was interesting.  I took it as an opportunity to work through some of the long buried anger and resentment... .really the rage I felt toward him for allowing stuff to happen, watching while my mother raged at me... .he'd be sitting right there and do nothing and then wallow in his own despair while crying on my shoulder and telling me he just wanted to die.  Imbecile! Errrm, sorry, but yes, I do still feel angry with him even tho he has been dead for several years.  After I had worked through many of my issues dealing with my mothers abuse, I found it much more difficult dealing with my non dad.  It was very hard for me to tap into the anger and rage I felt toward him as he was such so diminished by my all powerful mother.  I went for the longest time thinking I felt nothing for him, that was how deep the anger, hurt, humiliation was buried.  I uncovered a whole boat load of anger.  Being with him, being around him for days with just the two of us was interesting.  It was bizarre to feel all this rage and anger while watching him turn so very fragile and sick and still have to treat him gently and take care of him.  At times it was a lot to process, but fortunately I was out of work at the time and could just focus on my physical and spiritual recovery.  Also, about 6 months later, he had the grace to die in his sleep.  I can't say many good things about my parents, but I can say they both died well (as in with little to no drama... .for once)

Take good care.

[JulesC]

Hi there 

What a rough time you've been going through. BPD sis, your mum's dementia plus a crazy making (sounds narcissistic) boss at work is enough to leave anyone feeling low and stressed. And add in your family history and perimenopause and it's no wonder you're having a hard time. As others say, you're not alone. There is support here and the suggestions made by PFC, Turkish and carols are all great.

I don't know anything about the US Health System but what did stand out in what you wrote was you seem to link feeling low with the mid life change in hormones. My hormones dropped fast in perimenopause and this alone can cause low level depression. I had a great GP at the time, she spotted it, named it and said "you must be feeling pretty awful a lot of the time with hormone levels that have dropped like this." She put me on a v low dose HRT and I felt like a different person within a matter of days. I'm not pro HRT but in some cases it has it's place & you can reduce it yourself and come off it once you've ridden through the midst of the menopause.

I hope you can check out what carols says and find some counselling support. Having support outside your family is v important. Take good care of yourself. 

[spots]

Hiya,

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. I know sometimes things seem so bad that you wonder how you can get through. Someone once said "when things are really bad, know that everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end."

I'm concerned that you spend so much time looking after everyone else that you don't have time to look after yourself. I also know how demoralising going to a workplace you hate can be - it eats away at your soul every day. Here are some things that have helped me get over the worst year of my life (dealing with an uBPD sis, breaking up with my partner, hating my job, not to mention various health issues cropping up).

1. I saw an amazing counselor. I was at rock bottom and was lost in how to proceed. She was very pragmatic, quite dogmatic in some ways, and gave me a sense of no-nonsense direction. Hopefully you can find a way financially to do this.

2. Got a new job. I hated my job and realised a large part of why I was depressed every day was because I hated going to work.

3. Went on anti-depressants. After resisting for years, I finally succumbed and went on pristiq. It took about 8 weeks to kick in but it has helped tremendously with the extreme anxiety I was feeling (the only good thing about the anxiety was that I lost weight, ha!)

4. Was easy on myself. I didn't force myself to go to the gym, go out, or do lots of things. I realised I was just focussed on surviving at the present, and made an effort with steps 1-3 and forgot everything else that was low priority.

Of course, this all might seem overwhelming to you right now, and it was a process, it didn't just happen overnight. But I would highligh recommend seeing your doctor and getting a referral for a counselor as the first step.

I forgot to mention that visiting this board also helped me tremendously through the worst of it - it made me realise that I was not alone dealing with a BPD family member!

Hope this helps.

[Youcantfoolme]

Wow I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds as if you just do to have a support system as of right now, am I wrong? To be honest I have felt this way for some time too. I've gone through and am still going through a lot. It seems just as I get over one of life's curveballs, another one comes flying at my head. I sometimes wonder if my life will even balance out and be peaceful. The only difference is, I wouldn't say I'm depressed. Unhappy at times yes, but not all of the time. What helps me, is trying to focus on the positive things in my life. I know that's hard to do. You seem very much like me where you feel the need to be everyone's rock. It seems the people in your life (save, your sister) depend on you too have it all together all the time and to be there for them. I feel that same sense of responsibility for my family. Admitting I am weak was hard but was NOT optional. Asking for help, was hard but again, not optional. I had to come to the realization that I'm a human being and I just can't always be at the top of my game. I allowed myself to be upset when I felt upset.

I'm assuming that since you're writing here, like I do at times, therapy may be out of your reach? It is for me and I have good health insurance but I'm stretched to the max, money wise and cannot afford the extra $20 a week to see a therapist. If that's the case I suggest staying on this board and speaking to others on here. I can't even tell you the amount that some of the people on here have helped me in the short time I've been here. Also, it sounds like your job is REALLY bringing you down. Being unhappy at work, really sucks! You spend more time at work than you do with your family and if you're in a toxic work environment, that creates tension and disharmony, on a constant basis, it will really start to affect your well being. Again, I've been there. Maybe its time to start sending out some resumes. In the meanwhile, use some of your sick or vacation days. It sounds like you need a break.

As for what you're dealing with regarding your mother, I am so sorry. That's hard to deal with even when you don't have all these other things going on in life. Are there any other relatives that can maybe help you out for a while? Is hiring a nurse or a home aid a possibility for her? Id have to guess your sister isn't much help and it has to be even harder that you cannot communicate with her. That's very unfair to you. Although my mother is physically ok, I feel the same as you. My brother is too busy filling the demands of his uBPD wife and totally disregarding the duties he has as a son to a mother who is now a widow. I am always the one over there helping her when she needs something and inviting her out to do things with me and my husband and son because he completely ignores her and says, "he has his own things to do."

I wish I could offer so e better advice and since I can't, I can just offer you support. Keep your chin up and know that, "this too shall pass". If you need a pair of ears (or eyes in this case) to listen, please feel free to PM me. Hope things get better.

[SomerledDottir]

Turkish (love your wolf, by the way )

Yes, it was rough being told how to feel, or not to feel.  My stepfather used to tell me I was lucky cuz I had clothes, food, a roof, and "just about anything you want".  All I wanted was to feel safe and loved.  I would have given my eyeteeth for my mother to hug me and spend time with me.  If my stepfather hugged me, it was usually a prelude to something worse... .

Yes, I do feel invalidated by my fascist workplace.  They have about 600 rules and they make you sign off on every one so that when you break it they have proof that you knew that it was a rule.  They have four cameras watching us at all times and they look at them regularly.  They keep us understaffed and with so many duties that they're constantly adding that we are really running to get done.

We had a surprise inspection a week and a half ago.  We'd had a girl quit and she wasn't replaced.  It was just me and a kid working.  The kid was having one of her lazy days and I was running my $$ off to get done.  I went to the manager in charge and asked her to do something about the kid, but she was busy with other stores in the plaza and couldn't do much.  Of course, the inspector came and found things not yet done; on busy days like that, I take care of those things when the next shift comes in and our shifts overlap.  The inspector came in, the stuff wasn't done, and I took the rap.  These things should have been being done thru the course of the day by all of the crew but being understaffed, we just take care of the customers and run in survival mode.  Unfortunately, if you run and do some of those things when it's really busy, the customers don't understand why everyone they see working isn't taking care of them and they get mad.  There's no way to win.  So I got caught with my pants down during the inspection, and my name is mud right now.   Unfortunately being understaffed is a permanent condition where I work; upper-level management's bonuses are tied to cutting hours and waste to bare minimums, so they keep us understaffed on purpose.  They set us up to fail.  All the controlling, the being watched, and being set up to fail remind me VERY MUCH of my stepfather.

[SomerledDottir]

Harri

Thanks for your help.  My mother's dementia is not real specific right now.  She seems to be having trouble thinking fast or clearly.  I have explain simple things to her sometimes.  She has overdrawn her checking account 3 times in the past year, and she does things that she used to know better than to do, like clicking on pop-up ads, buying their products, and then wondering why they rip her off.  She's had her debit card hacked into twice in a year and a half; the first time wasn't her fault, but the second time was her clicking on a pop-up and doing business with a bogus company.  She has also started falling.  The first time she fell in the bathroom when I was at work.  She has severe insomnia, so she sleeps when she can.  Sometimes I wind up working several days in a row and as I work evenings, if I work alot of days in a row and don't see her, I'm not able to talk to her and know if she's ok, anything wrong, etc.  When she fell the first time, i didn't know until the next day when i saw her.  Like your dad it's very intermittent and she was a nurse and knows how to hide it well and shop talk and bs doctors.  You're right, I have a hard time with looking after her because she didn't take care of me right when inwas a kid, so there is some resentment.  I also wish to God we lived in a smaller house.  My house is not big, but it's more than i can easily take care of, especially being on my feet rushing around so much at work and having to clean so much there.

Thanks for your advice on the Obamacare.  I think I will be doing that this fall after I take care of getting my drivers license.  Public transit in my town is starting to suck.

[SomerledDottir]

Spots

Hi, I like all your ideas.  I would love to quit my job.  Unfortunately, I've been at this place for 17 years and make top dollar for what I do, also predominately only work one shift.  If I make a change most places in my area are gonna pay me about $2-4 less, and require me to be available all shifts.  Not good for my present situation.  I'm looking at starting a business from my home.  As I mentioned above, I'm going to need a drivers license, but that is doable.

I especially like your suggestion about going easy on myself.  I've been trying to do that by off-loading some of my responsibilities at work and at home.  At work, well you can tell from my other comments how that's going.  At home, the one thing I'm trying to off-load is cutting the grass.

So I had a kid doing that, and he broke my lawnmower.  I can't afford to replace it.  His dad won't let him use their mower so he's gone.  I got another kid whose dad had to drive him over to my house and her verbally abused the kid so badly it triggered flashbacks of my stepfather in me and my mum.  Also he didn't have a trimmer and would have to use mine.  Not gonna work out too well if I'm not here, so he's gone.  A friend of a friend was going to do the job, but he never showed up, so now I have grass that hasn't been cut in 5 weeks, so grass is high, but still doable but another guy I got wants $225 to cut it and $75 biweekly.  Since it took 5 days of back and forth to come to that conclusion (due to my work schedule) i asked my mum to make some calls for me to see if she could get someone, and she moaned and groaned and pussed.  So you can see how that's going.  It's like at work and at home there's a ton of things that need to be done and somehow SomeledDottir is the only one in a world of 7 billion people who can do them!  Why?  This is why I'm so stressed.  But I know that so many of you here care and are trying to help and that is heartening to me.

[SomerledDottir]

youcantfoolme (love that name)

Sorry to hear you're going thru anything close to what I am.  Wouldn't wish some of my days on anyone, especially the good people here.

Yes, you're right that I have always been the strong one in every facet of my life.  But i think it's natural to slow downa bit as we get older.  And you're right that it's hard to admit you need help, but my experience with uBPDsis taught me that I am co-dependent.  I have realized that the benefits I have been receiving all these years for all this caretaking have been mostly in my head, and not worth the drain of my energy and resources, nor the resentment that has been steadily building.  So I don't mind asking for help.  What has me steaming is I'm not getting it. 

I don't expect any from the family.  My mum is the youngest of her sibs.  She only has one sib left about 700 miles away.  She has argued with my cousins (pretty justifiably) so i wouldn't ask for help there.  As for uBPDsis, she is my half-sister (same dad), we weren't raised together and she lives 2000 miles away.  So even if she werent BPD, I wouldn't expect help there.  I don't think we're quite at the point of needing a nurse, etc., I'm just in need of a more set schedule so I can keep an eye on her.

I wish I could take some personal days, etc., from work.  Unfortunately, in my line of work, you only get those kind of benefits if you're full-time.  They try to keep us at just below full-time hours so they don't have to pay out things like vacation, personal, and sick days.  I took two unpaid mini-vacations but I had to spend most of them catching up around my house, something alot of us at my workplace wind up doing.

As I said to someone else, i think I might change jobs, but it does make sense with the money situation, and the need to stay on one shift, to just stay put for now.  I have the hope and intention to start a home-based business, perhaps as soon as this fall/winter.  I had a successful business before, and I believe even more in my ability now.  I'm 18 years wiser than when I had my other business.

I thank you very much for your kind offer to pm you.  I may take you up on it.  Therapy perhaps will come pending word from Obamacare.  Staying on these boards I will definitely do.  You folks have helped keep me sane since my r/s with sis hit the skids.  You folks have offered alot of great advice and I guess it probably seems like I've shot down alot of the advice you've offered.  But consider it a wake-up call to me not to let my options get so narrow in the future.  And I figured if there was a stone I left unturned, you folks would let me know.  I think I needed to vent and know that I was being heard, understood, cared about.  I needed to lay my problems out and look at them instead of just letting them run around in my head like hamsters on a wheel.  I don't know that much has changed, but still, at this point, I feel better.  If I get to the point that I don't again, you'll hear from me.  Thanks again!  

[P.F.Change]

I'm assuming that since you're writing here, like I do at times, therapy may be out of your reach? It is for me and I have good health insurance but I'm stretched to the max, money wise and cannot afford the extra $20 a week to see a therapist.

Even though they can't really replace therapy, I agree that these boards have been a tremendous help to me, and the support is really important. There is also a free online Cognitive Behavioral Therapy module that some members have found helpful when they haven't been able to get to a therapist--MoodGYM--as well as the book Feeling Good by David Burns.

I'm hopeful you are able to see someone using your current health plan, SomerledDottir. Let us know how that goes.

[Skip]

I wanted to ask all for a moment or reflection on the life of our sister who has passed.

Skip

[Harri]

I spent some time re-reading her old posts and I am struck again by her warmth and compassion.  I was fortunate to be on the receiving end of some of her replies.  She made me feel wecome, understood and accepted.  She once said that she would like to sit with me and chat over coffee.  I will be thinking of her as I sit on my deck sipping coffee and enjoying all the beauty of my backyard. 

Everything is changeable, everything appears and disappears there is no blissful peace until one passes beyond the agony of life and death.~ _{Buddhist saying}

[Kwamina]

It is very sad that she is no longer with us. She was a very positive presence on the board and indeed very warmly and compassionately responded to others.

She was a Buddhist and many times has shared her wisdom here:

I am Buddhist.  Buddhists believe that wisdom is seeing and accepting things as they are, not as we wish them to be.

As we remember our friend who is no more I'd like to take us back to the poem she wrote two years ago in which she described the road she traveled with her uBPD sis. Here are some excerpts:

... .
I still love you, you see.
You'll always be a part of me.
... .
Through sorrow and joy on life does go.
The power is mine 'cause now I know
I didn't die from being confused,
cast-off, lied to, or used.
Time and wisdom are the hospitals of the soul,
loved ones the doctors that made me whole.

Paint me white, paint me black.
How to write the final act?
Are we sisters?  Are we friends?
Or did we already pen the end?

Paint me white, paint me black.
Though at times I want you back,
I know for sure I don't know who you are.
So for now, I wish upon a star,
call upon the angels, the priest, the medicine man,
"Wake her, teach her, heal her if you can.
No more paint me white, paint me black.
Bring to me my soul-kin back."

Although she is no longer with us, she lives on through her posts. We don't know each other in real life, but in many ways the people posting here are very close and share a special bond.

SomerledDottir may you rest in peace.

Take care everyone

The Board Parrot