She wants to make peace

[Vitto18]

My uBPDexGf told a mutual friend that she wants to make peace with me & leave the past behind. Leave me behind & get on with the new love of her life. 

I'm not sure what peace means because we've been LC for 7 months now (texts about our 2 childrens' pick ups & drop offs). That's been peace for me. No more drama (whew!)

Yet five days of the week i sit & work not 10 metres away from her. I pretend she's invisible & ignore her. She ignores me too. Our co-workers know the whole story of the chaotic end to our r/s because she had a rage episode right there in the office. So they know not to ask. Screaming, swearing, crying, saying she was going to kill herself, all because I had caught her cheating with a colleaugue in the same office.

She cheated yet she's screaming at me? At work and at home? Throwing punches at me in front of our kids? How does that work?

After 6 years, 2 kids, she did it right there in the office where we both work?

Whilst we were house hunting & planning to finally settle down together as a family instead of living in separate homes, she got bored & decided to have a fling with a married man.

The obvious solution is for me to get a new job, because seeing her everyday is bad for my health. It keeps me angry to see her. Every flippin day! My blood pressure jumps when I hear her voice. A friend called her an emotional trigger. My work performance has suffered & I'm now in the bad books with the bosses. She loves her job (clerical work) & works extra hard. I can't think straight because my focus on Her (and Her BPD) sucks up all my energy.

I feel like I'm stuck in a toxic situation. Yet all I have to do is find another job, get away from her physical presence & I can start to heal.

I'm obviously giving her too much power, letting her control my emotional state. But isn't that normal? What is normal in this abnormal situation?

This ignoring each other is passive aggession from me, but I'm still angry! I should just talk to her like a normal work colleaugue. But I'm still angry. So I sulk, lonely child that I am :-)

Why am I so unwilling to forgive & let go of the past I'm tired of holding to this old baggage. Its weighing me down. Who cares what she did, or what I said done & dusted. It cannot be changed. I've cheated in past relationships, who am I to judge her? One should just chalk these things down to life experience, learn & move on.

Yet here I am posting my inner most thoughts 7 months after the end of 'us' & they revolve around her. She's apparently getting married to replacement #2

Yet I'm still sitting around moping & going over the past with a fine-toothed comb, wondering What the heck to do with my life now that she out of it.

I have serious co-depedency issues I admit, I still love her. She's still the mother of my two beautiful children.

She's actually quite sweet when she's not lying & manipulating, complaining, criticising, crying & screaming etc

Still can't let her go. Can't accept that all the things she said like "I'll be here waiting for you, when you decide to forgive me" were all part of the disorder.

She was with a new guy 2 weeks after we broke up. All her declarations of undying love were just a mirage.

But I meant it when I said I loved her. Maybe not enough to overlook cheating on top of all the other BPD behaviours she showed. But I do care for her & I wish her well in her new life. Ok I don't really wish her well, but I've accepted the situation. It still makes me angry to think about her though. To see her. 

How do I make peace with so much anger in my heart?

   

[seeking balance]

Vitto,

It is hard to forgive and make peace when the scab to a very deep wound is ripped off at work every day.  A lot has happened and you are reminded daily - you mention getting a new job.  IMHO, having some real space/distance will likely do a lot for your ability to grieve fully, thus let go and forgive.

From where I sit, it sounds like you are coping as good as anyone could under the circumstances... .is it possible you may be expecting too much of yourself?

Peace,

SB