Troubadour Musings on Going NC and Letting Go

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi y'all... .

I'm moving from the divorce board to the Leaving:  Detaching from the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship.

Let me mull that one over for an extended moment... .let it sink in... .with less anxiety than before.

My history:  8 year relationship.  1 year marriage from hell. Divorce on - divorce off.  Divorce on... .divorce trail completed earlier this month... .Judge will enter the divorce judgment the beginning of September... .giving me some additional time to seek insurance. 

The manipulation during the divorce and post divorce, the great sex, the my all-over-the-place, the confronter, the demander, the you have got to be kidding me what am I doing and why am I doing this... .all those sorta energies... .with no contact have a chance to abate... .and in that space, upon cleansing and air drying those gashes and wounds of my soul-mind-body-spirit-psyche; await the realization of my full potential, or what of my potential is left awaits realization.

I finally had it and gave up the ghost a few days ago... .(aside from some social media stalking-email has been our sole correspondence and pipeline for re-engaging... .when I took the "well, at least I'll get the last word in" have some wounding back approach... .and basically called her out as a psychopathic female with borderline and narcissistic traits... .or sociopath... .whatever... .called her a liar who is lyin and lies... .calling her mean and to go away, go away and stay away and never come back... .I've lost, she's won, I'm neutered and emasculated blah blah blah.  And this time I meant it.  the insight into what I consider to be her sociopathy is what pushed me overboard.  I have a historical professional background in corrections as a treatment provider... .I was totally thrown off course by high functioning BPD npd, emotionally blinded, became or activated my potentially severe codependence (HUH?) and sex/love addictive obsessive-compulsive personality

I'm scared of failing.  I'm afraid to be all grown up and all alone.  I'm afraid of not growing.  I'm afraid of relapsing.  I'm excited and a little bit afraid of recovery (but I realize it need not be so difficult), I'm afraid of feeling guilty for moving on.  Could it be some awkward survivor's guilt?   I don't really care if I did it the right way or the wrong way, because I really tried my best to do it the right way over and over again but failed.  I hate to think this was the only way... .to paint her black... to demonize her... .and in turn see all the good and all the bad as constituting the wholeness inherent to my spirituality.  That's the path I choose, or should I say that is the path that choose me?  Whatever... .I need to sleep, eat, exercise, meditate, work, pray, socialize, clean and organize every day a little bit, develop conscious contact with my HP, do my day book readings, and remember to ask God to help me slow down long enough, on a daily basis, to experience humility.

On the exterior she is doing fine.  Shoot, in many respects better than ever.  Some gave all.  I was all in, I barely got out alive.  Feel as if shipwrecked in a violent storm-with the urgency of every man for himself-and I've somehow made it close to shore... .still in the water, but my feet have hit the bottom, I'm walking towards shore... .the water is at my thighs and knees, if I fall in delirium and a stupor I might still drown.  I wanna live man, I wanna live!  I need to sober up.  Start forgiving.  Take it easy remembering easy does it.  I have got some life skills regarding my own self-care that need some fixing, repairing, rebuilding, and recreating.  Please wish me well.  I hope to post and document the detachment/withdrawal phase, and acknowledge as recently as last weekend I was negotiating continuing sex with one another up until September so as to ease our way into "withdrawal".  Yup, I did. It got exciting and hooking although she wanted NSA, but then began shifting the blame and bringing up things from the past and it was deja vu toxic mindfuc city all over again.  Hence, I drew the line and then I cut the line.  It's cold turkey now!  I went NC... .

[SeekerofTruth]

Hi y'all... .

I'm moving from the divorce board to the Leaving:  Detaching from the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship.

Let me mull that one over for an extended moment... .let it sink in... .with less anxiety than before.

My history:  8 year relationship.  1 year marriage from hell. Divorce on - divorce off.  Divorce on... .divorce trail completed earlier this month... .Judge will enter the divorce judgment the beginning of September... .giving me some additional time to seek insurance. 

The manipulation during the divorce and post divorce, the great sex, the my all-over-the-place, the confronter, the demander, the you have got to be kidding me what am I doing and why am I doing this... .all those sorta energies... .with no contact have a chance to abate... .and in that space, upon cleansing and air drying those gashes and wounds of my soul-mind-body-spirit-psyche; await the realization of my full potential, or what of my potential is left awaits realization.

I finally had it and gave up the ghost a few days ago... .(aside from some social media stalking-email has been our sole correspondence and pipeline for re-engaging... .when I took the "well, at least I'll get the last word in" have some wounding back approach... .and basically called her out as a psychopathic female with borderline and narcissistic traits... .or sociopath... .whatever... .called her a liar who is lyin and lies... .calling her mean and to go away, go away and stay away and never come back... .I've lost, she's won, I'm neutered and emasculated blah blah blah.  And this time I meant it.  the insight into what I consider to be her sociopathy is what pushed me overboard.  I have a historical professional background in corrections as a treatment provider... .I was totally thrown off course by high functioning BPD npd, emotionally blinded, became or activated my potentially severe codependence (HUH?) and sex/love addictive obsessive-compulsive personality

I'm scared of failing.  I'm afraid to be all grown up and all alone.  I'm afraid of not growing.  I'm afraid of relapsing.  I'm excited and a little bit afraid of recovery (but I realize it need not be so difficult), I'm afraid of feeling guilty for moving on.  Could it be some awkward survivor's guilt?   I don't really care if I did it the right way or the wrong way, because I really tried my best to do it the right way over and over again but failed.  I hate to think this was the only way... .to paint her black... to demonize her... .and in turn see all the good and all the bad as constituting the wholeness inherent to my spirituality.  That's the path I choose, or should I say that is the path that choose me?  Whatever... .I need to sleep, eat, exercise, meditate, work, pray, socialize, clean and organize every day a little bit, develop conscious contact with my HP, do my day book readings, and remember to ask God to help me slow down long enough, on a daily basis, to experience humility.

On the exterior she is doing fine.  Shoot, in many respects better than ever.  Some gave all.  I was all in, I barely got out alive.  Feel as if shipwrecked in a violent storm-with the urgency of every man for himself-and I've somehow made it close to shore... .still in the water, but my feet have hit the bottom, I'm walking towards shore... .the water is at my thighs and knees, if I fall in delirium and a stupor I might still drown.  I wanna live man, I wanna live!  I need to sober up.  Start forgiving.  Take it easy remembering easy does it.  I have got some life skills regarding my own self-care that need some fixing, repairing, rebuilding, and recreating.  Please wish me well.  I hope to post and document the detachment/withdrawal phase, and acknowledge as recently as last weekend I was negotiating continuing sex with one another up until September so as to ease our way into "withdrawal".  Yup, I did. It got exciting and hooking although she wanted NSA, but then began shifting the blame and bringing up things from the past and it was deja vu toxic mindfuc city all over again.  Hence, I drew the line and then I cut the line.  It's cold turkey now!  I went NC... .

[SeekerofTruth]

She simply fooled me at the beginning in the idealization stage, and the FOG kept me from seeing much of the rest.     

And I miss my ex as well.  But the truth is that I miss only part of my ex.   

My ex  is similar to Heroin,  in that I cannot separate the ecstasy from the caustic addictive destruction of the junk.  And I know if I didn't quit, I'd end up dying from the interaction.

Knowledge of the Disorder hurts, but provides a basis for us to recovery.  Our exes never have that option.  They simply must survive.

Woke up 5am... .Eventually, I'd like to be asleep by 11pm - Midnight.  I'll take the early morning awakenings.   If I can devote a good hour to 90 minutes in the morning to self-care; soulful-mindful-physical-spiritual renewal, observance, nurturance AND Asking for Guidance... .I might successfully sublimate my sexual drive toward her as my object of use and abuse. 

As I awoke, I thought about sending her a fresh email, unblocking her, and fantasized making "civilized" missionary love with her, even simulated it as if I were a 16 or 18 year old farm boy in the hayloft... .Or shall I simply say fornication?  Perhaps there is greater truth in my usage of that term than in my usage of the term "love".  My love object... .hmmm; a plastic doll that feels life-like towards whom I can attach feelings, thoughts, imagery, a pseudo real-like conversation that is make-believe, and experience a mini-mood change, distraction, avoidance of bearing some of the pain that comes with existence, along with just a tad of chemical release and self-control.  Could be worse.

Then the thought of reality.  It would be more of a hassle to unblock her and to re-engage my Pursuit from that which I seek distance from... .i.e. that last sentence hurt my head.  And that's 80% her fault.  I mean she's been doing the pursuit... .I've been distant yet re-engage-able,  Except for the last 5 weeks... .I've put on the Pursuit - as a test- and now all of a sudden the roles somehow got reversed?  No no no no no no no no.  Well, okay maybe.  Is this like a dog that chases its tail, or is this sorta like the tail that wags the dog?  Woah... .But just wait a minute.  Better yet, wait 10-15 minutes.  Wait 30-60 minutes that urge is gonna pass.  Stay active.  Keep up the good fight.  Keeps things as much as possible simple simple simple.  Discard some of the clutter.  Open up and create some space... .some beautiful space.  And soften your heart, humble your mind.  Carry on.  Smile.  Relax.  Move.  Wash.  Eat.  Hydrate.  Have a snack available for later or reward yourself with a midmorning omelet at your favorite diner.  Remember lots of yard work this weekend!