Afraid of my holiday

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I must have been crazy when I agreed to go on holiday for two weeks with my family and uBPD-mom and dad. We have planned it long ago so now I will just have to go through it. It was my parent´s idea and as we had no other plans and they are paying, it was difficult to say no. At that time I didn´t even think of saying no, because it did sound good to stay in a nice place for two weeks (within Germany).

Now I am afraid. My parents are old, I don´t really want any more conflicts. I always feel sorry for my dad, because I always had a quite good relationship to him and I think he saved me in my childhood – only that he wasn´t at home most of the time, because of his job. The only problem I had with my dad was that he always stuck to my mom when I had trouble with her, and he still does today.

I think I will just try to please my mom for 14 days, knowing that that is something which is not possible. She always lets other people decide: “I don´t mind - you say where we have dinner”, and a week later, she says: “I never wanted to go there. You all decided without me”. Those are things I am gradually starting to become aware of.

I told her about BPD and my suspicions (not only concerning her, she had a very strict dad herself), but I would never expect her to go in therapy or anything in her age (76), or to understand. I just felt she had the right to know, just in case she would like to. In the other case (I think that´s how it is) it makes no difference. I have decided not to talk about things like that in our holiday, only I am afraid I can´t keep my views of things hidden, if she should mention any problems or start talking about things like her suspicions concerning my daughter´s eating disorder (watched to many top model shows, etc.).

I won´t be on-line much in the next weeks, but I would like to tell you my experiences when I come back. I might have my own diagnosis (BPD yes or no) until then. I am aware of the fact that I am handling this rather frankly. I have had to keep family secrets to myself for such a long time, that I see no way out of this without being absolutely honest. I will find out if I am dealing with this the right way or not. I would also like to know, what other people (you) think of being so straight forward.

Angi

PS My brother and family are just visiting his sister-in-law in New York – nothing to do here, I just wanted to say we have a few connections to America. I have been to the States twice myself  .

[Angi]

I must have been crazy when I agreed to go on holiday for two weeks with my family and uBPD-mom and dad. We have planned it long ago so now I will just have to go through it. It was my parent´s idea and as we had no other plans and they are paying, it was difficult to say no. At that time I didn´t even think of saying no, because it did sound good to stay in a nice place for two weeks (within Germany).

Now I am afraid. My parents are old, I don´t really want any more conflicts. I always feel sorry for my dad, because I always had a quite good relationship to him and I think he saved me in my childhood – only that he wasn´t at home most of the time, because of his job. The only problem I had with my dad was that he always stuck to my mom when I had trouble with her, and he still does today.

I think I will just try to please my mom for 14 days, knowing that that is something which is not possible. She always lets other people decide: “I don´t mind - you say where we have dinner”, and a week later, she says: “I never wanted to go there. You all decided without me”. Those are things I am gradually starting to become aware of.

I told her about BPD and my suspicions (not only concerning her, she had a very strict dad herself), but I would never expect her to go in therapy or anything in her age (76), or to understand. I just felt she had the right to know, just in case she would like to. In the other case (I think that´s how it is) it makes no difference. I have decided not to talk about things like that in our holiday, only I am afraid I can´t keep my views of things hidden, if she should mention any problems or start talking about things like her suspicions concerning my daughter´s eating disorder (watched to many top model shows, etc.).

I won´t be on-line much in the next weeks, but I would like to tell you my experiences when I come back. I might have my own diagnosis (BPD yes or no) until then. I am aware of the fact that I am handling this rather frankly. I have had to keep family secrets to myself for such a long time, that I see no way out of this without being absolutely honest. I will find out if I am dealing with this the right way or not. I would also like to know, what other people (you) think of being so straight forward.

Angi

PS My brother and family are just visiting his sister-in-law in New York – nothing to do here, I just wanted to say we have a few connections to America. I have been to the States twice myself  .

[Linda Maria]

Hi Angi - so sorry to hear your troubles.  I think you are very brave agreeing to go on holiday with them, and no doubt you are hoping it will be a good holiday for your daughter anyway, even if it is difficult for you.  You are much braver than me!  I can only say - if you are really really dreading it, don't be afraid to pull out and not go.  Sure you will upset them a bit, but sounds like they might upset you a lot more during the holiday.  Or be prepared to leave early if things get too bad.  Fingers crossed, it will be ok, particularly if you do the "walking on eggshells thing" but don't endure stuff you shouldn't, if you change your mind, or leave early, don't feel bad - a holiday is meant to be relaxing and enjoyable!  Hope to hear good reports when you're back!  Best wishes.  JB

[Angi]

Problem is solved Obviously my parents couldn' t  remember that we had planned our holiday together, so they didn't turn up at our vacation spot. We had chosen a place not too far, because of my mum's health   So now we've changed our plans. I don't feel sorry about that, but we are all a bit confused to hear that my mum had already made other plans. Of course it was my dads business to let us know.

[Angi]

I notice myself, talking about BPD is not the same as talking about passing on illnesses like high blood pressure or osteoporosis from one generation to the other.

I have gone through a lot with my mom, but I have never talked to other people about our problems. Therefore it is, of course, possible that she is angry with me. But she didn't say anything the last times I saw her. Only once, she mentioned she is too old to bother about things like that. I can accept that.

It doesn't stop me from feeling having to talk to others to find out what views, for example, the other members of our family have. I have been searching all my life for an explanation, especially after my sisters suicide. Now I am looking for answers everywhere (as here in this forum)