Update after 2 weeks of torment...

[nevaeh]

It's been a really hard week!  I have cried more over the past 6 days than I have in the last 10 years!  I'm talking full-out tears, sobbing, the works.  My sister moved on Saturday 2 hours away so that didn't help matters at all - we are very close and have always lived a couple of blocks from each other.

Anyway... .  I am in a much better place today than I have been.  Last Friday I started pushing a little harder on the idea of separation.  When I did that, H just pushed harder to make sure I "understood" that he will do anything to keep me.  On Saturday he watched a movie called "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron and it is based on a book called "The Love Dare", I think.  Anyway, that movie apparently hit him close to home.  He almost started pushing harder after he saw the movie because he is certain he will change.  Sunday and Monday I barely talked to him and told him I was just overwhelmed.  I definitely had a wall up.

Tuesday night I really started venting on him.  I brought up separation again and he was mad and started laying a guilt trip on me.  I have been telling him that I know he thinks he can change but that he has to understand that I have to change as well.  He was giving me a lot of attitude, but saying that it was more that he is angry at himself, which I know is true.  I am trying to be really honest with him about things - especially things he has said or done in the past that hurt me.  Some of them he doesn't "remember" although he says he does remember the situation.  He is seemingly horrified at some of the things he has done.

I had counseling yesterday and it was really helpful.  My counselor really pushed me on the fact that even if I am *considering* giving H another chance that we still need to be physically separated for at least 6 months, with no contact except to communicate about kids stuff - during that time I would agree not to file divorce papers.  She reminded me that it has taken a long time to get to this place and it will take something very drastic to change it.  She said I have to be very firm and careful about making any promises to him about whether we might get back together at the end.  I know that I have A LOT of healing to do to recover from being in an emotionally abusive relationship and I simply can't do it if I continue to live with him.

So, last night H and I had a very long conversation about this.  It was a calm and honest conversation.  The bottom line is that H doesn't like it, but he is finally seeming to accept that physical separation is the only hope he has at keeping me in his life.  I told him that during our separation he would need to get intensive therapy for his "issues" and that he has a lot of work to do to figure out what drives him to be who he is.  My counselor is concerned that this is a personality issue (i.e. BPD) and that he simply can't change his personality, which I completely agree with.  I have told him over and over that despite the fact that he doesn't want to be away from me, I absolutely cannot help him fix himself.  He has to do that work by himself and I have to work on myself.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  We haven't worked through the details yet but I at least feel like this is going to happen.  I need to work on what I would want as my boundaries.  One boundary is that he can't call me every night.  I don't think it would be horrible to talk to him once a week or so, but if I don't set a boundary then he will be calling me constantly.  I also will say that we need to go ahead and split the finances and figure out what kind of financial support he would provide during this time.  I have to also have a boundary that he can't come into the house uninvited.  I will give him full access to the kids but they will stay with me full-time.  I know I will come up with more, but I think I have to go into this having very firm boundaries or he will continue to control me and my thoughts.

I know I am giving in on the filing divorce aspect for now, but I did tell the counselor that I am about 70% leave/30% stay, but the 30% stay would only be if he has really gone through some intense treatment and changes are obvious.  He acknowledges that I don't owe him anything but given that he seems VERY serious about doing whatever it takes I think that it would help my peace of mind to know that I gave him one last chance.  It could be that he won't be able to honor the boundaries and then it will be an "easy" decision, and he will already be out of the house so I don't have to deal with trying to get him out at some point in the future.

I am just so relieved that we are coming to some mutual understanding about what needs to happen.

[Turkish]

Hi nevaeh, seen the movie, read the book. She even let me read the chapter on unconditional love to her, with her crying the whole time. Talked about reality, after which mine asked, "what is reality?" I realized later that this was in the middle of months of dysohoria and detachment from me and partially from the kids.

I hope something works out, that he does get into therapy, but my T, like yours told me personalities pretty much don't change. A very hard thing to accept. Why, I don't know... .  here is an article on theraputic separation, which may or may not help you.

Therapeutic Separation

Take care of yourself and the kids... . 

Turkish

[nevaeh]

Hi nevaeh, seen the movie, read the book. She even let me read the chapter on unconditional love to her, with her crying the whole time. Talked about reality, after which mine asked, "what is reality?" I realized later that this was in the middle of months of dysohoria and detachment from me and partially from the kids.

I hope something works out, that he does get into therapy, but my T, like yours told me personalities pretty much don't change. A very hard thing to accept. Why, I don't know... . here is an article on theraputic separation, which may or may not help you.

Therapeutic Separation

Thanks for the link, it is very helpful and definitely in line with what I have been telling H.

While I am "hopeful" that he could "change" I am also cynical about whether he can truly change.  My biggest hurdle was to try and get him out of the house so that I can breathe.  I'm OK with holding off for a few months and I think it will actually help with any eventual permanent break.  Boundaries will be very hard for him, I think, so my feeling is that his behavior will be a huge predicting factor as to how this might play out.  I have been VERY clear that I will not make any promises about the outcome.  Of course he tells me over and over again that his intent is that he will "win" me back.  I simply tell him that I understand where he is coming from but that he needs to focus on getting better, not on getting me back.  He thinks one will naturally lead to the other.

I don't have high hopes that he will change, and even if he does, I'm not sure how I would react to that.  Time will tell, I guess.



Take care of yourself and the kids... . 

Turkish

[heartandwhole]

nevaeh,

This is been such an uphill battle, I'm glad you are getting some concrete plans into place.  What a relief for you.    I totally agree that it's just too difficult to work on yourself separately while living together.

I think some distance will be very helpful to change your perspective.  I know for me, it's hard to look at the situation with any objectivity at all when I'm mired in the emotions and stress of change.

Rooting for you nevaeh, you are doing great work. 

[nevaeh]

Thanks, HeartandWhole... .

I literally felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders when H and I talked last night.  To hear him being accepting of the fact that a separation is what we might need (although that's not what he wants) was just such a RELIEF!

He had his first counseling appointment this morning.  I am going to start working on what I think the boundaries should be.  This won't happen tomorrow or maybe even next week, but at least I feel like it is coming at some point.