Did your ex intrude on your online life?

[Springle]

This is quite an odd question possibly but I'm curious.

How did your ex react and treat your social networks and online presence? Did it also effect your offline person and life?

For example: did your ex have any of your passwords/login details? Would they always want to double check your emails/PM's etc? Would they read (and possibly delete!) messages/texts/emails before you had even seen them yourself? Did they make you delete, deactivate or neglect any of your social networks?

(I suppose this extends to phone use also)

[Mr Hollande]

Not an odd question at all.

Mine didn't, as far as I know, have log in details so no reading of private correspondence and no deleting of emails etc. Same for my mobile phone. For the rest, yes. Will bells on! It got so bad at one stage in out relationship I had to block her from my FB. I clicked like on someone's photo and she freaked. Someone commented on my FB wall, she freaked. I agreed to go to some event (meaning I might go but probably not)... .and she freaked.

Not that my little charmer isn't a messed up little bundle of misery but others here will have stories more unsettling than mine. I am absolutely sure of that.

[camuse]

Yes, yes and yes.

Mine checked my messages if I left my phone around. Even if I popped to the loo, she would go through them. If I took my phone with me, she said I was messaging people in the toilet. Any message to/from a female, however boring and insignificant, would be misinterpreted as something flirtatious. She deleted many females from my FB and for several months refused to be friends on FB. Even this wasn't enough, because when some messaged to ask what they had done to be deleted, she was convinced I was talking to them in secret. After we split she said she would never again be in a relationship with a man who had female friends. She said she wanted a partner who cared only about her and didn't need female friends. Some of these 'friends' were people I hadn't spoken to in years but one day she revealed she had kept very close tabs on them and knew many more things about their lives than I did. She seemed obsessed with the idea that every woman I came into contact with wanted to steal me from her. I can assure you, this is not the case! If anyone liked or commented on any picture who was female, she would despise them, even if I didn't really know the person. She said she hoped one of them "gets raped and dies".

I should of course have stopped it, but the first time she did it she found a message from a friend who had had an abortion, and was very upset, and I had been friendly to her and tried to cheer her up. She said this constituted cheating.

I found it all ridiculous at first, but eventually began doubting myself. Maybe it is indeed wrong to have female acquaintances?  But I have a few friends who happen to be female who I have known for many many years, and was very reluctant to give up these friendships to satisfy her insane insecurities.

Of course, she had many male facebook friends, but these were not "dirty little skanky whores" so that was ok 

I eventually simply deactivated facebook, but it was too late. The damage was done, she was convinced I was finding other ways to talk to people.

She went to great lengths to find things online to get upset about, and would fly into long rages about the slightest friendly message sent or received. In the end I avoided contacting any females, but it was not enough - she became convinced I was just deleting the conversations. I felt guilt that I was not making her feel secure enough, and to be honest I still do, even though I did nothing wrong.


Part of me wishes I had known what trouble facebook would cause and never signed up before meeting her, but I am sure she would have found other ways to vent her fury, and still gone through my emails and texts until she found the tiniest thing to cause chaos over.

It all seemed so pointless and sad to me. And the harder I tried to make her feel secure, the more suspicious she became. It was a no win situation.

[swiftkick]

For this reason I don't have any male friends--even my brothers' friends in any area of my life.  As for FB, I had to delete my account because of the drama caused by conversations (not private) with old co-workers catching up, friends of my brothers', etc.  Mind you, these conversations were not hidden, not flirtatious (although by the time he got through twisting them he was convinced the male was up to no go and a womanizer), and took place in front of all FB friends including my family, etc. I can't talk about any male at work because eventually he would begin saying, "oh, I knew you had something for so and so because I tested it.  I started counting the number of times you mentioned his name and I would intentionally bring him up to see how you would react."  He went through old calendars to see who I had meetings with or lunch appointments with.  If a man was involved that meant I was cheating or looking for attention.  "Attention Whore" was his favorite phrase during one of these phases. 

[maternal]

My ex claimed not to be interested in digging through my online life, but I know he did once when I saw that he'd copied something I'd written to my best friend about him.  I had nothing to hide from him, he was able to go through anything he felt necessary while I was gone... .and I'm sure he did.  I also watched him go through his ex-wife's Facebook when she'd neglected to log out on the tablet she dropped off with their son.  He would say that going through emails, etc. was "not love" and claimed not to be interested in such things.

Also, when I left and told him that I would swipe the browser I used on our computer clean and remove myself from the computer in general, he said "don't worry about it... ."  He would have loved to been able to keep tabs on me in that fashion, I know.  I did it anyway, of course.  Though, I didn't doublecheck that everything wiped clean... .he may be watching now... .(dun dun DUN!)

[swiftkick]

The painful part in re-reading that post (besides the typos, ) is the fact that I bought into it.  I really thought I was doing something wrong.  Why else would he feel so strongly about it?  Each time I had to not be defensive, explore what it was inside me that made me need that attention, understand how gravely this impacted him, and to think about how I would feel if the roles were reversed.  Sigh... .the perfect storm of the consummate fixer and the high expectations of the BPDh.

[camuse]

It would have been easier if I'd actually had something to hide. At least then I could have hidden it! As it was I had nothing to hide, so totally innocent friendly conversations held. In public were totally.twisted.

[swiftkick]

It would have been easier if I'd actually had something to hide. At least then I could have hidden it! As it was I had nothing to hide, so totally innocent friendly conversations held. In public were totally.twisted.

Yes, I can so relate to this!  I love that I don't feel so alone in this anymore.  Thank you. 

[camuse]

The funny thing is, all these women apparently so desperate to steal me from her, well its been months now and none has tried "Everyone wants you" she said. If only! Ah comedy in tragedy.

[Springle]

The paranoia is really interesting to hear.

Did anyone have experience with say a pwBPD who wasn't involved with online networks and 'encouraged' you to do the same? It seems to me most pwBPD are sort of hook to online activity, perhaps through the whole ability to stalk at ease?

Was there any point where the invasion of privacy became too much and you were forced to consider boundaries? Eg. replying to people on your social networks without your consent or knowledge, abuse at online friends/acquaintances, removing elements of your social networks without your permission (eg. FB friends).

I saw earlier camuse, you wrote about beginning to doubt yourself simply for having friends of the opposite gender, other than deactivating your Facebook did you ever find you could approach your pwBPD about this or use any of the techniques used here?

[camuse]

Yes I approached it but it was hopeless. She went on about certain people I never spoke to everyday for months. Some of the people she was so jealous of probably didn't even know my name. There was no reassuring her. Deleting them did nothing to help as she became convinced I'd found other ways to contact them. Some of those lost friendshios I never got back  But most have been sympathetic and forgiven me for letting her isolate me.

[martymcfly5]

How did your ex react and treat your social networks and online presence? Did it also effect your offline person and life?

After 11 months of the trials and tribulations, I broke away from my uBPD former friend. Within a day, I unfriended and blocked her. Two weeks later I discovered she created a fake FB account with my real name and friended my friends. (The FB ticker gave her away btw and I happened to be in the right place at the right time). This account, another outward sign of "I'm still winning by taking something of yours", destroyed my online presence and consequently lost friendships that were exclusively online. No one wants to be attached to a stolen account. ID theft is real. I had to shut down MY account, because I could not trust her to have access to pictures of me and loved ones. We know the same people, and some do not hide their 'friends' list, so she could get access one way or another. This fake account went from being private to becoming PUBLIC within a week (Probably so I could see it and possibly respond?)... .well that scapegoating tactic did not work, as I did not respond to her. I saw this page evolve from full of rage (which over time, she would delete - her feelings spilled out onto this account and once the crisis pass, she would remove the pic or comment) Slowly her comments were less rage and more mocking and jealous laden, stabs at my personhood. This past Sunday, after a month of being posted, the page was removed.  What I learned within that month: I knew that if I commented in anyway shape or form, she would be getting the attention she wanted. I had the personal resolve to stay the course: to grieve properly (all 5 stages) for this fallen friendship; learn about myself, needs, and why I allowed this person into my life so freely, and having the intestinal fortitude once again to stand up and say "I don't deserve this" and walked away from this emotionally and verbally abusive behavior. Did I have bad days? Yes I cried. Did I wonder if I was being too hard on a mentally ill person? Only briefly. Behavior comes from the core of a human being and is the outwardly sign from which we take our cues from and how we relate to each other. Boundaries guide how we allow these outward signs from others to affect us. My boundary "I will not be involved with an emotionally and verbally abusive person" is a life-long fence that continues to keep me safe and gives me the right to walk away with my personhood and my sanity intact. As for my month long absence from FB I learned: that I did other things with my time which I found are more rewarding; I found out who my real friends were during this ordeal; I know less about the minutia of peoples lives that really are not that important to know anyway; I know more about my time and talents and the ways to share those are not Facebook-dependent.