intro

[jtf]

Mother of 29 year old daughter recently diagnosed with BPD. She lives at home. Dx from therapist we sent her to for drug problem- feels she is medicating her feelings. She has been in relationship for 3 years and it has been going down hill for 2.He has custody of 2 children (ex wife drug addict) Daughter hates his youngest. It is as if she is jealous. She says he treats her poorly - but does not want to leave because "he is all she has"

Apparently she and BF have been doing drugs for past year (? longer). Discovered when all her savings gone, overdrafted at bank etc.

She has worked for my co. since high school as part time job. Graduated from prep school, good college, got masters in another country and recently finished law school. That's when everything hit the fan! Should have taken bar exam this week but did not. Recently revealed that as long as she was in school she felt safe.

Has always been sensitive, somewhat depressive, loner; and I have been the cause of all her problems- as she describes it " all I have ever wanted is for you to be my mother". She has about 6 recordings, as I call them; failings her father and I have done that have harmed her- that she brings up repeatedly to get an argument going. This has been going on for about 4-5 years.

I am not sure when this all started but she claims she has been telling us there was something wrong with her since she was 15.  We did not recognize anything out of ordinary teen angst until maybe college. Overreacting to incidents that we thought was stress related etc. Fighting with roommates and friends.

From what I have read she appears to be very high functioning BPD. But to think that she is throwing her life away is breaking our hearts. I fear I have invalidated her feelings and created this problem or exacerbated it.  She is our only child and yes we have done and given her everything. Now that she has a dx she is happy and my husband feels she is using it as an excuse.

We are trying to set limits, boundaries to minimize the drama and hopefully have her take some responsibility. No more credit card (she racked up $5000 in 2months-on nothing), no persoanl conversations in office (she has habit of bringing up hot buttons and creating drama which is very upsetting to me (the owner).  I would love her to get another job but keep thinking this allows her the flexibility to study- if she chooses to do. My husband feels she needs a success like passing bar to improve her outlook.

Her therapist is not DBT. I am thinking that's what she needs.  I am trying to read all I can to change the way I approach her. But know she has to work at this too!. I am so overwhelmed and sad that this has happened to her.  She is a beautiful, intelligent but such an unhappy person.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi jtf and 

So many members here in the bpdfamily community are dealing with these same issues, so you're not alone here. You can get great support, and we have many articles that can teach all of us who love someone with BPD more effective communication skills, better self-care skills (something that often gets overlooked in these difficult relationships.) There's so much here that can help you!

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

You've found the perfect place for hope and healing, and i'm so glad you did.

dreamflyer99

[lever.]

Hello jtf

Your daughter sounds like my own daughter in many ways, highly intelligent but struggling terribly with emotions and relationships.

My daughter also brings up my failings as a parent in similar ways.

I have found a lot of support and advice on the parent's board(which dreamflyer has posted a link to) and I really hope you will join us there.

A book which I think you would find extremely helpful is "Overcoming Borderline Personality disorder" by Valerie Porr.

There is a very useful section on how to acknowledge mistakes we have made as parents and validate our children's feelings about them without falling into the trap of over-apologizing for things we never did. I used this with my daughter and it has helped improve our relationship.

It really is an excellent book all round and I can't recommend it highly enough.

There is also a lot of helpful information on the parent's board as dreamflyer has said. I will look out for you there.

[HealingSpirit]

Hello jtf,

I'd like to join DreamFlyer99 and Lever in welcoming you to our BPD Family.  I'm sorry about your daughter's recent BPD diagnosis.  It is a frustrating, sad, painful, difficult disorder for both the person suffering from it AND the people who love them.  My daughter(17) was diagnosed in May, and it broke my heart at first too.  But, after coming to this site and learning more about BPD, and getting wonderful support from other parents who know what it's like, I feel a renewed sense of hope.

I know what you mean about your daughter's "recordings."  My daughter says very similar hurtful things to me too.  I'd like to invite you to join us on the parenting board that DreamFlyer mentioned.  There are lots of other understanding parents there who are dealing with similar issues with their adult children with BPD. 

I'd also like to tell you, based on what I've learned on this site, I think it may be very good news that your daughter is happy to have a diagnosis.   Since you said she's been feeling like something was wrong with her from the time she was 15, now that she knows there is a name for it, I'm guessing it's quite a relief to her, and probably very validating. Up until now, drugs may have been her only tool to control the overly intense feelings she deals with that she cannot regulate.  Her therapist must have recognized her drug use as a symptom, rather than a problem by itself.  So, I can see why this might appear as good news for your daughter.  As I always tell my daughter, "It's an explanation, not an excuse."  The good news is now she can learn better tools to deal with her intense feelings.

And now that you know what her problem is, so can you!  There are links to tools on the right side of the parenting board that will help YOU cope.  As you said, you fear you may have unknowingly invalidated or exacerbated your daughter's feelings.  I have found the tools about Validating and Listening with S.E.T. (sympathy, empathy, truth) to be particularly helpful in de-escalating the rages and arguments with my daughter, so I recommend you check them out first.  ----------->

I really do understand how overwhelmed and sad you feel.  This diagnosis is not what we wanted for our daughters!  But, there is hope for recovery now that you know what you're dealing with.  And the fact that your daughter is already in therapy puts her a step ahead.

Hang in there jtf!  I'm glad you've found us.