Thanks much for your support and wise advice guys. I feel much better today.
Eventually, after deliberating and discussing this with my close friends and my girlfriend I decided not to send this email and go back to business.
As all of you said, I have no reason to feel guilty. I caused no harm and my actions just reflect the disconnection that is present anyway and that wasn't driven by me.
It was my ex who split me black and erased me from her life. I already did way and beyond what is reasonable to try to fix things and gave her every chance possible to reconcile and she consistently chose not to do that. As sad as it is for me, this means there is no ground for any relationship between us. Not even a polite "hello" or "miss you".
The best thing that happened for me yesterday with this regards was the opportunity to share this with my girlfriend. I couldn't hide my feelings. As I walked in, she told me - "There is something different in your eyes, sadness that I haven't seen before. Everything's OK?"
She knew a little about my ex and in general that it was a very intensive relationship and painful separation for me, but now I could explain more about what the guilt I felt, why it is so hard for me to let go and move on. I also told her more about my ex background, about the abuse she went through, CPTSD, and BPD and how that affected me. It was very liberating to be able to discuss this with her and it brought us even closer together as I got her full support, being loving, understanding and compassionate about it and that means so much to me.
Hi, trappedinlove.
I can relate to what you're feeling, I live in a smallish town so it's almost inevitable that I run into my uBPDxgf from time to time. We'd also been friends for a long time before we became a couple, and we tried to reinstate that friendship after the r/s ended. That ended badly too, but that's another story.
You feel guilty because you're a decent person who naturally regards it as rude to ignore someone you know when you see them. But ask yourself this - would she feel guilty if the situation was reversed? My view is that emailing her as you suggest, especially telling her how sad you feel would simply let her know that she still has some hooks in you and that she could reel you back in if her situation required it. Is this what you want? I know it's hard, I still struggle too, but I'd encourage you to resist the temptation. Each day of NC is a day closer to being truly happy again.
Hi free'n'clear. I don't know your story but I can see the similarities indeed. In our case she moved a few months ago out to a small town an hour away and I still live in the big city so running into her in the city being in the exact place at the exact time was really improbable, but it's not the first time. somehow we bump into each other on occasion, call it faith, call it whatever, it just happens... .
"I was afraid of rejection" pretty much says it and from that comment you then think you should write an e-mail. With luck she won't have seen you, even if she did, so what? so I would be tempted to just get on with your day/life and not worry about her, is she worrying about you? I doubt it, they don't do they.
Would she feel any guilt remorse for not saying hello to you? Unlikely.
I can understand why you feel this but in my view you're just going to prolong the inevitable and yes in a "normal" relationship with a normal break up yes, it would be possibly the right thing to do but not with a BPDex. Steer well clear and try and heal, think about you and your wellbeing not someone who tramples all over you, they are not worth it.
Hi Ventus2ct. I think I was thinking about myself and my moral ethics but indeed my interests and my well being dictate I protect myself by keeping no contact for the time being, at least until my wounds heal enough and the toxic emotional intensity clears out. And the latter might never happen. Profoundly accepting that is a an important part of grieving.
Dear trapped, you feel guilty bc you know empathy. PBPD do not.
You are caring and you are interested in the feelings of others. PBPD are do.
You are aware of how inappropriate and wrong it is to bump into someone you had a great deal of feelings for and are not acknowledging that with a compassionate greeting and inquiry of well being. PBPD do not possess feelings of mutual respect.
You still hold a small bit of hope inside your heart that taking the time to say hello may somehow make the painful journey you are on a bit less difficult. PBPD could care less.
You feel anxiety at the mere citing of your ex bc you were emotionally abused and devalued and split black and your only offense was that you cared for this person . All the work you have done up until the moment you saw her gave way to your heart which is genuine and knows that love is a gift, indeed a reciprocal act of caring, concern, and mutual appreciation of another. PBPD know none of this.
All your kind greeting would have accomplished, my friend is to hand over your heart once again to a person whos only emotional awareness and concern is control to fulfill an unwavering unilateral well of endless and selfish need.
PBPD do not have empathy. I assure you she didn't pull away from that red light and feel one iota of the emotions you did. And for that I am sorry for your pain amongst your supporters here who have shared the same
I applaud your self protection. Stay strong. This is not a logical disorder.
Thanks Caredverymuch. I really appreciate your support. You've hit a home run with what you said above, this captures very well the dynamics I experienced.
What people have said here is true. But also: you feel guilt for tending to your own needs (self-protection) and for putting them over hers.
I'm trying to remember a time since my break up where a text, email, or phone call didn't ultimately make things worse for me. Can't think of one.
Hey BacknthSaddle. I'm not so sure exactly where the guilt was coming from. I need more time to sit with it and dig deeper inside me to find out.
You're very right about the previous contacts we had too. Initially things felt so positive to me, feeding my hope and expectations for a short while and than bam, devastation. time and again... .
I broke the pattern and disengaged and I know it is the right thing to do. No other way worked for me.
It seemed like she expected me to accept her unconditionally and to tolerate any abuse coming from her. Become a dump yard for her that she can throw any frustration at, share with me her deepest distorted relationships and feelings (as she did) while continuing to push me away and see me only on her terms when she needs me. Especially right after break ups from immensely deep love affairs that lasted a couple weeks and now she can't tolerate the guy after he hurt her so much (sometimes by being envy of her young stud ex she keeps seeing at the same time).
Well, she is sick and I know it. I care for her and I know what triggered it this time, but to protect myself I am keeping a safe distance from her and her disturbance and this is the right thing to do. Although she still feels like a soul mate and family to me, she is not. I am not responsible for her. She is a grown up and needs to take care of herself.
All brilliant answers. The problem in seeking advice is that sometimes we don't take it, even when its unanimous.
Be wise for a change, be smarter than you normally are... .be like a pwBPD and take advantage of the situation. Take the advice and keep away from her. Empathy directed towards a person who is not capable of it led to our downfall. Why hurt yourself again?
Hi Aussie0zborn. It feels to me you are quite judgmental. Not sure if you're referring to me or to yourself
Anyhow, I'm not fancy of revenge and being "like a pwBPD and take advantage of the situation".
I do agree very much, though, with keeping away from her and not hurting myself.
But I disagree that "Empathy directed towards a person who is not capable of it led to our downfall."
At least in my case.
I don't think it's the empathy per se but rather the codependency. I.e. expecting a reward for your empathy and being dependent on that reward.
That what led me to my downfall. I generated a huge "emotional debt" over a long period of time that left me exhausted and craving for reciprocation - which didn't arrive. That both drove her away (and I can actually understand that) and kept me bonded and attached. No more
