Ignoring the red flags

[Crow Moon]

I'm starting to get all these moments of clarity and I'm thinking how could I have ignored al those red flags! In a moment of openness my uBPDexgf would tell me how she ruined this old friend in high school and how she was ashamed. That old friend apparently said something negative about her behind her back. That triggered something as she would go above and beyond to destroy her. She manipulated all her friends to start hating her as well. The girl eventually left the school broken.

I'm sitting here now and thinking: "how could I have ignored this as if it was nothing?" I should've stood up and left at that moment. Does anyone else wonder about this? They idealize us, but somehow I think we reciprocate that feeling. 

[swiftkick]

Every day, Crow Moon.  I could give you hundreds of examples, but just let it be a reminder of how important it is to trust your gut in the future!   

[Huh?]

You are right about how we reciprocate the "idealization".  I never really thought about that in that way before.

The worst part is, with my ex fiance I knew EXACTLY what red flags to look for... .and still overlooked them.  This will not be happening again in the future.  Burned twice by BPD, shame on me.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sitting here now and thinking: "how could I have ignored this as if it was nothing?" I should've stood up and left at that moment. Does anyone else wonder about this? They idealize us, but somehow I think we reciprocate that feeling.

Good awareness Crow, the fog is clearing.  For me the idealization period was heavily intoxicating, a dream come true, and I wanted to get back there so I chose to 'overlook' things that didn't fit the pretty picture.  Also, a large part of my relationship with her was in my head, a fantasy fueled by my hopes and dreams, my bad for making the fantasy so bright it dimmed the reality.  And then there's the big piece that is my tendency to confuse the longing for love, the chase, with real love, and her aberrant behavior triggered my own stuff, usually the assumption that it was something I was doing wrong, where I get that near-panic buzz of doing everything possible to try and fix it, an intensity like an addiction.

Yup, that pretty much wrapped it up, sucky place to be, no wonder I bailed as soon as my head popped out of my ass.  And then the real work started, with a borderline to thank for the motivation.

[camuse]

The whole idealisation phase was a big red flag - it's one thing receiving nice compliments, but the adoration was a bit unsettling. She seemed to genuinely believe I was the best looking man in the world and that every woman wanted me. "You could have anyone at all" she said. It was a bit silly, I'm just an average guy, but she seemed to think I was competition for Brad Pitt and George Clooney combined! I did find it very bizarre but it was nice I suppose to hear such things, however absurd.

The second red flag was the first rage, which came out of no where at the end of a lovely evening. I remember thinking, this is not right. But by morning everything seemed ok, and I turned a blind eye. Maybe she was tired? I knew something was wrong though.

When I was 5 minutes late to meet her, she was sat in the street in tears. I'd let her down. It wasn't right, but then the evening was good so I let it go.

At the second rage, I knew I was in trouble, but was determined to stick to my guns and not capitulate. I hadn't done anything wrong. But she eventually beat me down - sometimes I just wanted to sleep and gave in a little bit to whatever she was demanding at 3am after 5 hours of screaming.

That's how she wrecked my confidence and self esteem - slowly, determinedly, one tiny bit at a time until I was weakened enough to doubt myself entirely.

Often during sex, i couldn't work out what was not quite right. I still can't - on paper it was awesome, but something just felt off.  Maybe a lack of eye contact, a distant look in her eyes, an unwillingness to kiss. Lots of tiny things bubbling quietly, adding up to a volcano waiting to erupt. Who knows what was really in her head during those moments? Looking back, I feel slightly violated.

But mostly there was just a 'feeling' that something was deeply wrong. I remember thinking it consciously, even when there was nothing to put my finger on - even when things were going very well. I thought, something just isn't right about this. It was a gut feeling, but it's hard to listen to your gut without direct evidence. But I damn well should have done.

[BacknthSaddle]

For me the idealization period was heavily intoxicating, a dream come true, and I wanted to get back there so I chose to 'overlook' things that didn't fit the pretty picture.  Also, a large part of my relationship with her was in my head, a fantasy fueled by my hopes and dreams, my bad for making the fantasy so bright it dimmed the reality.  And then there's the big piece that is my tendency to confuse the longing for love, the chase, with real love, and her aberrant behavior triggered my own stuff, usually the assumption that it was something I was doing wrong, where I get that near-panic buzz of doing everything possible to try and fix it, an intensity like an addiction.

This speaks to me.  I think that I was longing for the excitement of the chase, and I confused this with real love.  This is easy to do when you're chasing some whose sole idea of love IS the chase.  And yes, her aberrant behavior triggered my own feelings of inadequacy, which she was quite pleased to confirm if she were in a particularly bad place at the time.

The truth is yes: idealization works both ways.  After all, it wouldn't be very pleasing if you thought the person idealizing you was profoundly damaged, f****d up beyond repair.  Would it?  So you decide that the red flags were abberations, or even better they are things you can fix.  They are not "the real her."  

My ex would get tremendously dysregulated in the 2 weeks before her menstrual cycle.  To her, nothing she said during this time "counted."  And I would often blow off what she said during this time as not being representative of "the real her."  But it was the most real her!  She actually told me at one point, actually told me, "I'm bad for people.  It's not a good idea to get involved with me."  She told me how she got bored of people.  She told me she used me for ego-boost and emotional support.  I ignored it all!  Because if I had accepted it, the idealization would not have been valid.  And I needed it.  

Of course, now I've learned: realizing YEARS later that the idealization was not valid is much more painful than just accepting it at the time.  

[Lilflower]

I can relate and kick myself for missing red flags. My ex BPDbf told me (almost proudly)that he had left his previous gf while on a vacation. Checked out of the hotel, checked into another and turned off his phone. He cut off a friend he built a vacation home with for not returning a pot! All I knew was he was awesome towards me.  I felt like he judged other people harshly at times but he would never do that to me.  I think we sometimes believe we will be the exception to the rule but ya know what, we won't.  How they treat others is how they will treat us.  One day we become one of the "others".

[Infared]

CrowMoon... .your little story reminds me of a situation I had at the beach with mine. She was quite a bit younger than me, but not a kid, we are talking 30 yrs old.  We pass an ex of mine who was histrionic to the nines (I know ... .what does this say about me... .? LOL). Anyway, we walk right by her and down the beach a little way I tell my pwBPD who we just passed... .so we eventually get back to where we are sitting and about 15 ft. behind us is guess who? I think it was purely accidental. So... .my girl sees this and seems to think it is appropriate to jump into my lap and start wiggling around (to show control and ownership in an EXTREMELY immature and hurtful way to a woman I had left because of her mental instability.) can you say      !

I am a person of empathy and compassion when I am able... .and I got extremely annoyed at the behavior and just imagined if it was me back there getting my feelings hurt with this inappropriate display. I got in her ear and told her as much and that I was disappointed that she could not have some respect for others feelings... .

OF COURSE it was me on the other end of that behavior a few years later when I encountered  her and the guy she ran off with in public. The behavior was soo 6th grade, but effective. Shallowness does not come close in describing that puddle. Mental illness is alive and well.

[fromheeltoheal]

Of course, now I've learned: realizing YEARS later that the idealization was not valid is much more painful than just accepting it at the time. 

I see your point BitS, but let's also look for a silver lining.  Her idealization of me awakened something in me that had been dormant for too long, and it felt great, and yes, healthy.  And I didn't know anything about personality disorders and was very lonely and susceptible, and naive, at the time.  But that doesn't invalidate the feelings I had for her.  Sure, it was obvious almost from the start that things were not "right", we got "close" way too fast, and I should have walked away very early, but there were lessons I needed to learn, and the teacher just happened to be gorgeous and disordered.

I'm going to cut myself some slack and realize that my head and heart were in the right place going in, before I got lost in a pathology, but I want what I thought I had with her.  I don't see myself falling for such nonsense again, in fact I've sent a couple of women on there way because they reminded me too much of her; I may be overshooting a little there, but you have to overshoot to see where the line is.  By staying present and aware, and having very little tolerance for bullsht outside the 'normal' emotional stuff of a relationship, I'm going to go find what I thought I found with her, in a healthy way.  Let's use what we learned!

[Sugarlily]

I think I idealised my bf back and saw all his good traits, which were many. The initial time together had me walking on air and I thought he saw me better than anyone else. I think that is what made me ignore red flags (I can't say I didn't see them). On reflection he tapped into something that I had missed out on and opened me up to be more vulnerable. I am working through these issues in therapy.

I've always walked before when I've seen red flags (even little ones) so I do find it hard to comprehend why I stuck around and forgave him, made things up with him, when I had so many opportunities and reasons to leave. I think I hoped he would get better and become the good traits fully.

Early on when we first started dating we met a group of people at a cafe who had stayed at the same hotel as us. While we were talking one of the women pulled me to one side and quietly said that she had never heard anyone be so critical in public as he was to me. I should have known then, but up until then everything he had done said he totally adored me. Of course things only got worse as time went on.

[Crow Moon]

I finally have some time to reply  Thanks for all the reactions and the support! Talking about it and knowing other are going through same really does help. Funny thing is, I told a friend about the disorder and he saw a girl friend of his in the description. Always pulling and pushing. Some things suddenly made sense.

You are right about how we reciprocate the "idealization".  I never really thought about that in that way before.

Reason I came to this conclusion was the fact that I genuinely thought she was the greatest woman on this planet, even of my dreams (boy, was I wrong!). When became close I was just coming out of a depression and it felt a sort of reward for all the hard work. When in hindsight she's not a very nice person (BPD or not).

All I knew was he was awesome towards me.  I felt like he judged other people harshly at times but he would never do that to me.  I think we sometimes believe we will be the exception to the rule but ya know what, we won't.  How they treat others is how they will treat us.  One day we become one of the "others".

I can relate to this. I knew (the second time) she manipulated others in to doing things for her. But I, as well, felt she would not do this to me. She lied to everyone and admitted it. However, she said she only lied once to me (the time she said she didn't miss me after breaking up the first time). I should have known better; she lies to everyone.