Recently realized my 18 yr old has BPD- but is not living at home, took off...

[Daedalus]

My child recently turned 18 and within a few weeks suddenly admitted to countless lies, which revealed many past & current unruly behaviors, and distressing situations that truly surprised and shocked me- my child has been hiding so much, for so long ?%#%@%?  I could hardly speak to my child after a few days- feeling completely OVERWHELMED, confused and angered by all the deceit & simply trying to process why anyone would make such choices + keep so much personal distress from family members who try so hard to help & get along with each other... .?

        My quiet attitude, sadness, and frustration led to my child abruptly packing a bag and walking out.  There was no blowout argument or punishment that had been hinted at, just, "I can't take you acting this way, I'm leaving!" The person they said they would stay with is a huge part of the lying that had been going on -for almost a year- is much older, and much of the reason I was so distressed. My kid just just left!  I had no idea where to & I only knew this person's first name... . After days being gone and no contact home, I felt I could not allow my child to come home just to continue the same behavior & dysfunction. My family was emotionally exhausted, and realized that we had felt that way for several years, and just hadn't come up for air long enough to be able to see it.  I felt that I needed to get my footing and try to see things in a new way before I could allow my child to come home- I was so spent. I could finally see that there was something MUCH bigger going on in our family than just regular teenage drama. I realized my heart had felt that for years and I was finally admitting it... . Prior to my child leaving home, a professional acquaintance had recently mentioned to me that my kid could be "borderline" and my heart dropped and I just froze. The conversation shifted & it was just a passing comment, but it hit me so hard because I had secretly worried that something was VERY WRONG, but I had no way to put my finger on it. I remembered the comment and recently began researching BPD. As many of you understand, I was amazed at how exact this disorder describes my child. It goes beyond mere teenage moodiness, or teenage rebelliousness, as you parents realize.  The symptoms I have been trying to understand and cope with for years are exactly those of a person with BPD. Serious cutting, lying about simple things, trouble making/keeping friends, easily stressed by simple things, and even disliking hugs or affection when upset- many other things, but overall I see now why our household is so intensely affected- no one really can understand what it feels like unless you live with someone who has BPD.  Its sneaky, yet difficult to avoid, to say the least. My child is bright, charming, and can be very loving. I am relieved to know that our family can realistically try to work more productively to have a good life TOGETHER, but I don't know how to reach out to my child at this point. I got first and only email 2 weeks ago, saying loves and misses us, but is "scared" to come home and is just trying to be "ok". We have no idea what to do next, and have not discussed the lies, or any details of our confusion or concern- we are just very confused and don't want to escalate any fears. I assume visits with the therapist are still happening, but at 18, the therapist will no longer communicate with me, so I can't be sure. No idea if therapist has discussed possibility of BPD with my child already.

I am awaiting 2 books in the mail that I plan to send to my child's (if possible) as soon as I look them over- BPD titles that seem to be respected and helpful for approaching the subject and explaining that there is help- and hope.  I will announce I'm sending books to help, and just wait for a response. My child is willing to do family therapy or that sort of thing, so I am hopeful. I am in need of encouragement and hints to begin addressing this concern with my child.  I worry about my child's immediate safety, but I now understand that if BPD is the issue at hand, the bigger concern is getting proper therapy in place and being prepared to help my child for many years to come. I am willing to do that, and very glad to feel I am not groping in the dark any longer.

       

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Deadalus,

  You poor thing!  I understand your anguish, frustration, overwhelm and pain in dealing with your 18 year old.  My daughter(17) was diagnosed with BPD in May after a severe cutting incident that landed her in a pediatric mental hospital for a 3-day hold.  Before I found this site, my daughter was planning to move across the country to live with her boyfriend the day she turns 18, and she threatened to have no more contact with us when that happens.  So, I can only imagine how heartbroken you're feeling right now.    

But then I found this site and I started using the tools to the right of the Parenting Board.  Simply learning to Validate my daughter's intense feelings and learning to listen with S.E.T. (sympathy, empathy, truth) have helped settle the rift that had grown between us.  My learning these tools really helps me to de-escalate her rages and to keep myself calm whenever I deal with her.  My daughter still misses her boyfriend and she still wants to move in with him when she's 18, but she has calmed down and now wants to leave home on good terms.  I'm grateful for that progress.

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

I assure you, there is hope.  Even though you're not in contact with your 18 year old at the moment, you will find lots of other parents on the parenting board going through the same thing, or who have just gotten back in touch with their child after a period of no contact.  It helps to know about BPD... .to really know what we're dealing with, so I understand your relief at not being in the dark anymore. 

It's great you ordered some books about BPD already!  I understand your eagerness to get help for your BPD 18 year old, but I'd like to suggest you wait until you've talked with some of the other parents on the Parenting Board first.  As a mom, I understand first-hand how much you want to help your child!  But, sending a book at this point in your relationship might send a different message than what you intend and might even make things worse.  So, may I suggest YOU read the books first?   Please come vent your feelings with us parents on the Parenting Board.  You're not alone in your struggles and pain!

[Ziggiddy]

Hi  Daedalus

I just wanted to add in my welcome and sympathy with  HealingSpirit's. You sound like you hae just gone through an awful time of it. How very painful to be so worried about your child. It's not easy to separate under ideal circumstances - certainly the conditions under which this has all happened must have left you reeling.

I have to applaud you for taking steps to protect yourself and the other folks in your family. it really is important to establish boundaries to reduce conflict as much as possible.

I also think HealingSpirit's recommendation that you read the books first is an excellent one. Now is the time to find YOUR footing and educate YOURself. Like when a kid is sick and mum is not 100% - once she's better she can look after the kid better.

It's no picnic dealing with BPD but it IS manageable and can get better with education and applying things you learn. Ad it sure helps to get out what you have to say -  the board that Healing linked is a great safe place to do that and explore yours and others experiences.

Wishing you the best of luck,  Daedalus. I hope you keep us posted about new developments.

Ziggiddy

[lever.]

Hello daedalus

I would also like to welcome you to BPD family. I do know from experience how much all the deceit can hurt.

I have had a lot of help and support on the parent's forum and I really hope you will join us there.

When I first joined this site I was strongly advised not to rush in but to take tiny little steps in dealing with my daughter and this has proved to be effective.

I agree with the other replies that sending a book to your child at this point might be received in the wrong way.

You are clearly very keen to help but he may see it as criticism or saying that she is at fault.

I was advised that I was trying to resolve everything too quickly and that I needed to take a longer term step by step approach.

Among the lessons at the top of the parents forum is one on how to encourage someone with BPD to seek help.

A book which I think you would find very helpful is "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr. This is mainly for you as a parent to read and it is packed with valuable advice.

I do hope you will join us on the parents board-I will look out for you there.

[Daedalus]

  The responses I received here really touched me, thank you. I have no family and no support in this matter. It makes a huge difference to know I can discuss my concerns here and get sincere feedback. Now I am having fewer doubts about my decision to not chase after my child or track her down- I do need to breathe and focus my thoughts on myself and my other child. That feels like a luxury, and I have had much guilt about that- but, the advice and comments I received here have truly helped me feel more confident and at ease.  I got the books in the mail today & I will read them and consider how to address the issue with my daughter (via emails). I very much want to help her get proper therapy & I do want to have her back in my life, BUT not until it is healthy for all of us.  My son is 19 and he and I have discussed some of what I have read here and other advice I have researched online, and he also feels relieved.  We have lived for years feeling so emotionally drained and as he put it, we have many "filters" we use when we deal with my daughter that we never use with other people. We never saw the extent of that until recently.  It's all very new, but I feel hopeful and supported finally. Thank you for your caring words and I am definitely taking time to be good to myself and not feel in a rush or panic to tackle the BPD concerns my daughter (and our family) is facing.

[Rapt Reader]

I'd also like to welcome you to the Parenting Board, Daedalus 

I'm so glad you updated us, and that you've got some books coming in the mail; they will be very helpful to you, and since you are physically separated from her right now, it's a good time for you to kick back and just read so that you gain a good understanding of how your daughter's mind works and the best ways to deal with her and her behaviors. I, also, recommend that you check out each of the links to the right-hand side of this page; they are really interesting and educational and have helped many of the members of this Board make things better with our BPD children.

It sounds like you've already started that process, and sharing it with your son sounds like a great idea; the more members of your immediate family that gain an understanding of what is going on with your daughter, and how to deal with all of that, the better. Please keep us in the loop, Daedalus... .

[Daedalus]

              I am feeling much less overwhelmed after reading, and also watching a few Youtube discussions. It's amazing how much information is so easily accessible !    It makes all the difference.

My son saw my daughter at the orthodontist yesterday, though they didn't speak (she was with the boyfriend and the office had many other people in the waiting area- awkward!) at least that tells me she is taking care of herself (her teeth, anyway!) and is out & about, doing normal stuff. My son said she looked "the same" so that is also a relief.

I emailed her a few days ago- just a few lines to say I missed her, she didn't respond.  I emailed again today, & asked if I could mail a book to her job (it's a small shop where they will make sure she gets mail... .I assume/hope she is still involved there: she is more of a volunteer- it's a ceramics studio). I found a book that is written to introduce people to all the aspects of BPD, FOR people WITH BPD.  The BPD Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living With BPD. By Chapman & Gratz, forewarded by Perry Hoffman (president for NEA for BPD). I will explain to her what it is before I send it, somehow?

  I am feeling much more calm -and so relieved- now that I am finding so much support here   and I'm definitely not feeling as helpless or hopeless as I was when I first came to here looking for help. I am finding it, so thank you! 

[HealingSpirit]

I am feeling much less overwhelmed after reading, and also watching a few Youtube discussions. It's amazing how much information is so easily accessible !    It makes all the difference.

I felt the same way when I first joined here!  I finally knew what I could do to stop making things worse.  Before coming here, nothing I did worked and the harder I tried to explain myself when my DD misunderstood me, the worse things got.

I emailed her a few days ago- just a few lines to say I missed her, she didn't respond.  I emailed again today, & asked if I could mail a book to her job (it's a small shop where they will make sure she gets mail... .I assume/hope she is still involved there: she is more of a volunteer- it's a ceramics studio). I found a book that is written to introduce people to all the aspects of BPD, FOR people WITH BPD.  The BPD Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living With BPD. By Chapman & Gratz, forewarded by Perry Hoffman (president for NEA for BPD). I will explain to her what it is before I send it, somehow?

I'm sure the book is great, and I would feel the same urge you feel to give her helpful information.  But one of the biggest problems with BPD is the person who has it does not realize THEY are the one with the problem.  That makes it a sticky situation for anyone to try to tell them they have BPD, even a highly skilled therapist.  Your DD has just moved out in anger.  I know how much you want to get help for her!  My DD is planning on moving out at the end of this month, with or without my consent, so I'm probably right behind you.  I want my DD to be in treatment so bad I can hardly think about anything else.  But, the harder I push, the faster I drive her away.

So, if you send your DD this book right now, even though it may be really helpful to her someday, I have a feeling she will reject it in the current circumstances.  This may sound harsh, and I don't mean for it to, but please consider how would YOU feel towards someone who handed you a book that says you've got a mental illness?  It's a very delicate situation.  Please think about it carefully before sending the book. 

There are ways to approach an undiagnosed person with BPD to get them help.  I hear that Valerie Porr's book, "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" addresses this issue.  I haven't finished reading it yet, but others here have mentioned it. (Just started it.)

I am feeling much more calm -and so relieved- now that I am finding so much support here   and I'm definitely not feeling as helpless or hopeless as I was when I first came to here looking for help. I am finding it, so thank you! 

I'm so glad you joined us!   

[madmom]

Oh boy Daedalus have I walked some of the same roads you have.  My 26 year old Bpd daughter LIES like crazy, and it is so hard for me because it is the thing I least understand and accept about this dreaded disease.  My daughter has also done things so shocking, secretive, and hurtful that I wondered how I was even going to continue to breath, or function.  I am fairly new to this site, and I think you will find the advise of others who have been through the same things, as well as,the lessons and tools so very helpful.  I honestly wouldn't send the books to my daughter just yet, she may not be able to handle in the way that you would hope.  My advice would be to watch some of the videos and read through the lessons here to gain some skills in validation and SET.  Best wishes to you.  You are not alone in this journey, we are here for you.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi again Daedalus

Thank you for updating the information.

I am very happy for you to be finding some balance and taking care of yourself and your son. it is great that you have his support and that he is also gaining insight into her behaviour.

Also it must be a great relief to know she is doing ordinary things - like going to the dentist.

I would have to urge you, along with the others to really think carefully about sharing the book you have in mind with your daughter. Although it is very understandable that you want to help her in any way you can, as Healing Spirit says, it can be a delicate situation and you really need to consider what you want for your child as opposed to what you want for yourself. You may well wish her to become educated in the disorder but is that the best thing for her and your r/ship right now? You will always have the option of sharing the book in the future but if you do it too early you well risk increasing or creating a breach that may be very difficult to bridge later.

As you probably know by now, pwBPD are inclined to blame and focus negative feelings outward. They are not quick to accept that they are the cause of conflict or untenable situations.

It is your choice to make but please consider other member experiences carefully.

That being said I am also very pleased that you have found support among us here. Myself I fully believe this community has improved my views and my approach in literally life altering ways. It is amazing to me to get the sympathy, understanding and support of people who really understand.

Thank you for sharing your update and let us know what you decide to do

Ziggiddy

[Daedalus]

Thank you so much for the words of caution!  I had not read the books yet when I wrote here that I would send one to my daughter, but I fully intended to read them & judge if sending one would actually be appropriate.  Neither are something I will send ! I decided only select paragraphs would actually be helpful, like for emailing to her. Regardless, I want to explain that my daughter previously agreed (after my asking in an email to her) to go to family therapy -she said just to let her know when & where. (She is generally always willing to talk and discuss things with a therapist.) In the meantime, I was advised by my therapist that family therapy isn't always best, rather DBT for child, and something specific to BPD educating for me & my son would be helpful. So, I havent pursued a family therapist, just in limbo on that for now.

Anyhow, my daughter did email me back YESTERDAY, and she wrote that HER therapist is willing to have me come and meet with her and my daughter (when therapist is back from vacation). That cant happen for another 2 wks or so. I was very pleased that my daughter offered that! I feel that the best things to do would be to email my concerns to her therapist to get a dialogue going about my BPT concerns. I have time to plan something like that, so I am very calm and  still in no rush to solve anything.  Also I learned that my child is most likely what is called an introverted/quiet Borderline. WOW !  She really makes more sense to me now... .she never "rages" on the outside, like so many others. On her arm, she has cut the words "Love Yourself" in the area where she also has many cuts and scars.  My child is absolutely suffering on the inside, though she can function, speak intelligently, etc. But, she is not without deep emotional stress and I am so glad that she trusts her therapist & is willing to let me in. Her email also said she loved me, hurray!

 Thank you all deeply, for your advice and concern ! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Northmum]

Reading these posts has made me feel so much less alone, made me feel that there can be a strategy and a path to follow through the draining times that BPD brings both to us and our daughter. I'll be re-reading them in more detail again as much to learn.

[lever.]

It's great that she has got in touch Daedalus and is willing to talk to someone with you.

Just a word of caution-there is sometimes a conflict when an individual therapist tries to engage in relationship work.

They normally take the perspective of the person they usually see and advocate for them.

If they try to accommodate another perspective the person they see individually may feel let down.

I think I would go and do a lot of listening and validating to open up a dialogue-but if you become aware of any tension I think I would openly raise the potential problems and see if your daughter is willing to see someone with you who is not involved with either of you outside the sessions.

[Ziggiddy]

Daedalus

I am so pleased for you to be making progress so quickly. You are grasping what took me AGES to get! Well done you. It also feels like you have some optimism there which is great news.

Having a name to put to certain personality styles actually makes it all that more accessible doesn't it? You aalso see clusters of behaviour which are present in many people. Something about finding that out brought me great comfort and relief. it is also a terrific start point to formulate your plans - and we always feel better if we have a plan rather than just trying to survive in the topsy turvy world of disordered emotions!

Also that is excellent news about the therapist and the co operation. It's worth being optimistic but also to keep realistic. little steps little steps!

Northmum

I was really pleased to see you are benefitting too. Many people who come here find it's the first time they have been truly validated in an awful long time - some even have never had it.

It really is a great community and people here are sympathetic. it's an interchange of encouragement and support all supplemented with education. I know I have printed articles and the Survivor to Thriver Guide ---> and have reread them and parts of them over and over.

I am glad you are feeling clearer and more supported.

here's to a bit of peace for all of us all round!

Ziggiddy

[Daedalus]

AAAARRRGGGHH... .I posted a reply a few days ago that I do not see is posted?  Anyway, I will write it again:  Thank you very much for the words of caution. I fully intended to read over the books and decide what or if to share them, and after looking through them I knew pretty quickly I would not be sending them- No WAY. I appreciate your sincere warnings to help me avoid a catastrophe     Anyhow, I am happy to let you know that I got an email from my daughter, so I'm frustrated my reply did not post!  Also, I learned (on-line) that my child is likely a quiet/introverted borderline, to be precise. (Excellent example of how my daughter generally responds:   www.borderline-personality-disorder.com/mental-health/what-is-a-quiet-borderline/  )

This new information is extremely enlightening and reinforces my belief that she actually does have BPD   She does not have "rages" as many of you have described, rather she holds EVERYTHING in and is seemingly a very together young lady. But,as the mom, I have seen many signs that something is not ok, though I just couldn't really put it all together- until I learned what BPD is. (For example, she keeps the words "love yourself" cut into her arm, along with other slashes and scars- clearly a distressing sign that she is terribly troubled. Ok, so, in her first email response a few weeks ago, she had agreed to go to family therapy. She said then just to tell her when & where, but she declined to come home- said she was "scared" & felt unwelcomed. I left it at that & did not email her or hear from her. In the meantime, my therapist suggested that "family" therapy may not be the best thing, rather my child needs DBT, and my son & I might benefit from separate counseling to educate us on BPD. So, that  topic is in limbo, though I felt my daughter may be waiting for me to find a family therapist for us. Well, she responded to my recent email and simply said that she is not working at the studio any longer; is trying to find a real job; will be taking her GED soon (she previously received a payment voucher to cover the cost, so that had been in place); and she ended it saying that her therapist offered for us to meet and talk with HER together, if I was able to go after the therapist gets back from vacation. That email is very promising  I will respond to my daughter on Sat when I can give it my attention, and will have had some time to consider the best, simplest response. As many of you have suggested, I am not rushing in & I am also not in a hurry to try to solve everything. On the contrary, I am not sure what to do overall, and my natural habit is usually to research to find answers so I can eventually take the appropriate next step. I will see what my therapist suggests in regards to meeting with my daughter & her therapist, but I am willing to do that ! We have to start speaking again and with help from you all, I will better know how to address my child when I do see her again. Thank you for giving me a bit of confidence to feel that I will be prepared do that when the time comes.

[Daedalus]

SORRY... .  My dont seem to navigate this site well ! I see my reply did post & I basically repeated it all, but I did add more to it. Anyway, so Sorry to bore you with a repeat!

[Daedalus]

Hey Northmum... .and anyone else who has about 20 minutes... .I found this Youtube video EXTREMELY helpful, so I wanted to share it here. Watch it away from your BPD child- and have some kleenex handy! It may cause you to shed a tear, but it is truly empowering, and quite helpful. Let me know what you think        :

                   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEKnfomVb_k

[Daedalus]

Just an update... .I'm expecting my daughter to come over in about 2 hours    She and I have briefly emailed 2 or 3 times and she asked a few days ago if she could come by and get a few things. I have no idea what things she wants, she just said stuff from her room... .She emailed that she is looking for a job and needs her social security card from me, so thats good! I bought her a little tea pot and some nice loose tea, and I am feeling happy she will be coming by. And honestly, I am ALSO not really thinking about it much so I can keep my composure- deep inside I just want to sob and fall to pieces. But, I haven't done that yet and I am not about to go there tonight. I hope its quick and sweet, and I truly hope she is in good health- with no serious cuts or injuries  :'(.  Wish me luck ! I will let you know how it goes.

[Ziggiddy]

Such great news Daedalus!

really pleased for you! The tea sounds wonderful. Do let us know how it turns out

Ziggiddy

[SeaSprite]

Daedalus, I hope things went well with your daughter?

She sounds a lot like mine, but a couple of years older and better at keeping her secrets.

One thing I've learned dealing with my d... .it is a roller coaster. There will be days, weeks, months where it looks like everything is going well, she's got things under control. Like your d she is smart and presents as being very together.

Then something happens and the bottom drops out, either she becomes suicidal or she trips herself up with her own lies and starts digging a bigger hole.

Everyone has their ups and downs, with this illness they are much more severe and dramatic.

So when the hard times come, be kind to yourself. You couldn't prevent it. The hope is that she will get better at managing the emotions that overwhelm her reason, and you can help her with the tools you've been finding, and with therapy if she's willing. But you can't prevent it, and that's the hardest part for us parents to accept, when our kids are their own worst enemies.

Enjoy her when she's well.

Try to keep calm and keep the doors open when she's not.

Remind her that you love her.

And get support for yourself to let go as appropriate. This illness is a lot to take in.

[HealingSpirit]

Hi Daedalus,

I hope your contact with your DD goes ( or went ) ok. I know what you mean about trying not to think about it too much so you can hold it together. I'm actually in that same place right now too, and my DD is only leaving for a week. 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your DD remains cordial and pleasant when she comes to get her stuff. Do let us know how it goes (or went). 

Hang in there!  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Daedalus]

Wow, it's hard to believe I haven't posted for 3 weeks!  I have been focusing on staying in my own thoughts, and not allowing myself to obsess about daughter. I didn't blog here because I was trying hard not to always have her on my mind... .to spend time here writing about her wasn't going to help me stay with my own thoughts, or spend my free time being kind to myself, which I am learning to do. I expect this probably rings a bell with some of you, so I know you can relate.

I have been feeling pretty good, but it is more of a struggle than I give myself credit for- I only realize this now because it took me over 3 weeks to come back here and open up! Tonight I am feeling a bit fragile & I needed to get my feelings out in the open, so thanks for reading   .  

So, my daughter did come get some of her things, though it was not on the night that we originally planned. She texted me on that nite and after her being late, I asked her to reschedule so I wasn't waiting past 9pm. She apologized and seemed to have a decent reason for not showing up on time... .I was pleased that I only waited 20 mins before I told her to reschedule! She came by 2 days later, which was actually much better because I saw my therapist that morning & was feeling very able to handle the visit. I was anxious & nervous, but also glad that she rescheduled so quickly. My therapist reminded me to make the visit go the way I wanted, not to just expect the worst and be willing to take it.

I hadn't realized I was actually sort of doing that, and that really helped me feel less anxious!  I texted my daughter that the "boyfriend" guy was to stay in the car & she could come inside on her own when she arrived. This was so important because I have yet to see this guy, but he is almost 30- I have no desire to chit chat with him or meet him & then have a whole new set of worries sparked in my mind from the sight of this guy with my 18 year old daughter. My therapist told me this was a good plan & that she knew I would only worry more & become more upset if I let him in my yard & tried to meet him, etc- it was her suggestion NOT to just be cordial & meet him.

SHE WAS RIGHT- I was much more at ease after I got that figured out.  My daughter came in the house & to make it short- she was on time, she looked great! She was very nervous and I stayed in the front room while she went in her room & packed bags & took them out to the boyfriend who was in his car in the driveway... . the first thing she asked to do was see her guinea pigs.  We held them & she was so happy to see them (we have 4).  She went to her room & shut the door, and when she came out I could tell she had been crying.  

I gave her the teapot gift & she was so shocked that I had got her such a nice gift- & she was overall just so timid... .it was very hard to see her being so careful and nervous.  :'(  I asked her if she would like to take some groceries I had for her & she said that would be helpful. She almost forgot to get her bathroom stuff, & when I reminded her, she went and got them... .she just seemed so careful, it's hard to describe.  I really am happy to report that I got a good look at her arms and it looked like most of her cutting scars and marks- including the words that she had carved in her right (inside) forearm were more healed up than I had seen them for a very long time.  Her skin looked healthy, she was the same weight, etc... .

My mental check list of any signs that she was unhealthy came up with nothing that alarmed me!  That was just such a relief.  I told her that she can just come back & get anything else she might need, and she was so pathetic & sad when I said that- as if she didn't expect me to just let her come back ?  Her voice even cracked when she replied to me.  These sorts of things are how I know she has BPD! I just cant't figure out why she acts the way she does- but, that is what BPD does, right?  the capacity to respond & react in a normal way is just out the window   :'(  

She is such a stranger to me right now.  My heart is breaking, it is. I gave her a long hug before she left & told her I would always love her, always.  She looked at me as if she didn't deserve for me to say that- as usual  :'(

But, I did see her & she is in one peice and looks healthy, so I am grateful for that.  I have no friends or family that I am able to discuss any of this with, so I am also grateful that I have access to this site as a support. I texted my daughter's therapist & explained my concerns about BPD, in detail. I know she can't respond to me, but the timing was finally right for me to do that. I also emailed my daughter & told her that it hurts me that she doesn't talk to me at all anymore, even just to tell me she is safe; I explained that I am trying to give her distance, but that I won't wait around without at least trying to resolve our situation somehow.

I told her I was happy she came by & proud of us for breaking the ice because we didn't need her therapist to facilitate that afterall. She responded to me a few days ago & wrote that thinking about me just makes her so sad & she doesn't know what to say to me, & she said she is getting help with that from her therapist, plus she said she would be taking her GED tests soon. I didn't respond to the email, I was just glad she replied to me. Lastly, I want to say that I got a text from my daughter tonite, saying that she passed the portion of the GED test she took today.  I was so surprised that she texted me! i feel proud of her -& also so confused, sad, helpless, and happy that she shared her news with me.

A few days ago I bought some "Graduate" party plates & napkins for her... .but I can't imagine how we will have a cake or celebration for her when she passes all the GED tests.? This is why I feel sad & helpless   :'(  She is such a stranger to me right now & I can't reconcile that, this is just the way it is, and I have to just get up every day and keep doing my life as good as i can. It is really a lot to handle and an effort to keep it up on days like today.  

[HealingSpirit]

Hello Daedalus,

  I definitely understand the need to take a mental and emotional break from thinking about BPD. The BEST thing you can do about BPD is to take care of yourself first, whatever that looks like.  I'm glad you came here to vent and give us an update. But would it be to forward of me to ask why you don't have any supportive friends/family in your life? I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have a trustworthy friend to talk to, or an occasional shoulder to cry on.  I wish that for you!

I'm glad you held your boundaries with your DD about coming over too late. It sounds like you were in a good place emotionally the day she came over, and I'm sure that was because you set the tone for a calm visit.     And I do hear your sadness and regret. I think we are all grieving here in one way or another. Every time something happens that isn't how I always envisioned it would be, I grieve the loss.

It does help to have "Radical Acceptance" that our DD's are mentally ill with BPD. But there is definitely a grieving process that goes along with letting go of how we WANT it to be, and accepting how it IS.

I have a hunch your DD will learn a lot by moving out, and she will come back to you with a new appreciation... .eventually. This is my hope for my own DD as well.

  Keep on taking care of YOU!

[Daedalus]

I haven't written or read here in over 2 months.  Thank you so very much for your response Healing Spirit - though you wrote it over two months ago, I really needed to read it tonight! Glad I bothered to open this up again.  In the last 2 months I have had days where I am just on auto-pilot & unable to focus at work, etc. to having positive days where I can focus on my life and not be overwhelmed by the distance I have with my daughter (who has still been staying with the boyfriend ? and rarely contacting me- only via email. I don't know where she actually stays, just what part of town it's on.) That has been awful, but in that time she passed 4 of 5 required GED tests and emailed that she was going to nanny and move in with the family because she was unable to get any other job until she got the GED. The day she was to move in, I emailed her to say that I hope it went well- a few days later she responded to say it didn't happen afterall... .Then my son tells me the next day that he got an email from their father to explain that my daughter and he were arranging for her to move (out of state) to live with him, and he was to help her get a job and an apartment, etc. There are so many things wrong with this idea ! My son was upset about it and wanted to talk with me when he found out; he & I know that if she were to live with him, she would definitely hide all her problems & totally play the situation (her dad has never known her emotional life, or my son's- though I did attempt to get his feedback to her severe cutting, but he ignored me entirely, though he saw it when she visited him.) The BPD reality is the kind of thing that is more than he would try to process- he would say we over react &would basically shut down and refuse to discuss it, especially with me :'(  (He is very emotionally crippled, and has caused my kids a lot of grief from feeling rejected and dismissed by him all their lives- he just denies they ever need or hurt, etc. He is hopeless & I have never included him in our personal matters- he made it clear when they were babies that he was OUT. he moved across the country many years ago.) With that said, he is the LAST person she would have ever willingly wanted to go live with, so it's truly alarming that this would even be a possibility.  In the past the idea of her moving to be with her dad was enough to make her get real angry, real fast. It was a joke to even speak as if that would EVER happen because she disliked him more than anyone, period.

Though I was upset by this news, I was also glad that she was willing to get away from the boyfriend and perhaps a stuck situation in our city? Although I did not expect she logically would try to make a new start, as much as she would try to run away from all her problems here- I was just trying to look at the positive. Anyhow, the other concern is that my daughter would have access to her dad's & stepmom's prescription drugs (xanax, etc) & access to their liquor 24/7.  So, it's not as easy as just "oh, we just need to get her a job & an apartment and we will solve her problems." They drink daily and have a pill for every ailment- he has actually offered them to both my kids, & just this summer when my daughter was having anxiety at a crowded parade, like it's just a tylenol? They treat the kids now like one of their friends, rather than kids who need guidance   

So, she ended up coming to the house a month ago to get some winter things, she said. Our visit was similar to the first one. She went to see her guinea pigs, but this time I held her tight and cried and told her that I just wonder every day if she is safe and that I hate not knowing when I will see or hear from her again. She brought up that I was the one who wouldn't let her come home, etc & I reminded her that I had clearly said that things had to change for her to come home because we all had been unhappy, etc-  & she quickly turned it around & said she didn't want to argue and that she couldn't come home because she just had stuff she had to do for herself, it had nothing to do with me. I held her tight and told her that I am just gonna be waiting for her, as long as it takes. I will always love her & everyday I just try to get through the day, missing her and wanting her to be ok; I was struggling with it everyday because I missed her so much.

After that visit her guinea pig died and we texted briefly about that, then she stopped responding to my emails or txts. I have spent the last 2 weeks like a zombie  :'( trying hard not to worry if she was ok. I finally sent her an email 2 days ago asking her to at least tell me if she is ok.  She texted me today to say, briefly, that she was now living with her father and had a job and that she is fine and all is well. and that she knew I would be shocked, but she hadn't known how to tell me but that she was enjoying the winter weather and her job.

I had just waited to see if she was planning to go. But, without any word from her at all, I had no idea- my son didn't know, either.   

I was so relieved to know where she was that I could hardly breathe. But, now I am also very hurt and getting MAD. I know that I am not mad at her, but I am mad at how she treats me  :'(  I grieve so much because I hardly feel like I have a daughter and my heart is so broken missing her. My therapist retired a few weeks ago, which has been more of a problem for me than I expected.  I need to find a new one, thats for sure.

I feel so rejected and treated like dirt, by a kid that I raised, who knows better than to dismiss people who love you. Its awful not to be able to discuss my hurt, because she can't behave much better, not right now. What can we do with the disappointment and hurt? I tell myself I am just waiting for the day, years from now, when my daughter has had time to work out her life, get some therapy, etc and we will be able to have a loving relationship like we once had. I adore her, and she does look up to me, I know that.  Which is why this is so awful- it's like she is someone else and I am powerless to try to find her right now.  She walked away and I know I didn't cause her to do that when I refused to let things go on as they had been... .but it just really feels like I started that ball rolling. its all just so confusing.

[mkmomto2]

Daedalus-  I'm so sorry for what you have been going through.  It sounds very similar to my story.  My daughter turned 18 and seemed to jump off the deep end with her lying and manipulative behaviors.  It was like whiplash for me.  She is now 20 and I am just coming to the realization that she might have BPD or something of the sort.  She has turned our world around for the past two years, leaving and then coming home (at our request because we thought she should), saying that she will go to therapy, the orthodontist, work, school, etc. etc.  She has lied and chosen not to go to all of the above.  Luckily for you, you are recognizing this earlier and maybe she will come around sooner.  Good luck to you.  The people here have given me some great advice and it is so nice to be around people who are going through or have gone through the same things as you.  I, too, am ordering Valerie Porr's book this week to read over the holidays.