Help, falling apart tonight...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Oh boy, calling upon all my strength and so sad and miserable tonite. I came home after taking care of my mom all week to have surgery. Figured it would work out, since he wanted to move out, and I would be gone. My house is an empty, sad shell. I can't stop crying. I know it had to be done to end this. The worst of it was there was a problem with the cable when I went to Xfinity today, and they needed to talk to him, so I had to text him. One thing led to another, and he starting sending me pics of all his stuff thrown everywhere in his new

apartment. The pics said "you want to see effed up, aggravation, and anxiety?" I said this was your decision, I did all I could to make this work. Got dumped on, with "we were not a match, just never to be, we were a square peg in a round hole, just move on. I was faithful in my 18 year marriage" - apparently inferring I somehow didn't match up to his ex-wife in keeping him happy. He was acting like we were nothing, saying "let's not talk about what could have been. Just didn't work." His minimizing of us as if we were just some flash in the pan cuts so deep with my empty house. God, after 4 years, that just so hurts in my stomach. A guy friend came over and brought me dinner to cheer me up, but the pain of the finality is so hard to bear tonite. The tears just keep coming... .

[topknot]

Oh boy, calling upon all my strength and so sad and miserable tonite. I came home after taking care of my mom all week to have surgery. Figured it would work out, since he wanted to move out, and I would be gone. My house is an empty, sad shell. I can't stop crying. I know it had to be done to end this. The worst of it was there was a problem with the cable when I went to Xfinity today, and they needed to talk to him, so I had to text him. One thing led to another, and he starting sending me pics of all his stuff thrown everywhere in his new

apartment. The pics said "you want to see effed up, aggravation, and anxiety?" I said this was your decision, I did all I could to make this work. Got dumped on, with "we were not a match, just never to be, we were a square peg in a round hole, just move on. I was faithful in my 18 year marriage" - apparently inferring I somehow didn't match up to his ex-wife in keeping him happy. He was acting like we were nothing, saying "let's not talk about what could have been. Just didn't work." His minimizing of us as if we were just some flash in the pan cuts so deep with my empty house. God, after 4 years, that just so hurts in my stomach. A guy friend came over and brought me dinner to cheer me up, but the pain of the finality is so hard to bear tonite. The tears just keep coming... .

[LettingGo14]

Oh Topknot -- I am sorry you are feeling it tonight, but I promise you that we fall apart in order to put ourselves together again.   This is an emotional storm -- one you will weather -- and it's okay to feel the pain, and share the pain here. 

You have been through a lot.  And, like so many of us, the hurtful words of our ex-partners ring loudly in our ears and in our hearts.   These are arrows, no doubt.  And they hurt. 

But, we often unleash an army of archers on ourselves as well.  We marinate in humiliation, and loneliness, and shame -- when, in fact, we do not need to internalize the words of others.

Thank you for posting here -- it helps us all.  We are here for you, my friend.

[Split black]

Oh boy, calling upon all my strength and so sad and miserable tonite. I came home after taking care of my mom all week to have surgery. Figured it would work out, since he wanted to move out, and I would be gone. My house is an empty, sad shell. I can't stop crying. I know it had to be done to end this. The worst of it was there was a problem with the cable when I went to Xfinity today, and they needed to talk to him, so I had to text him. One thing led to another, and he starting sending me pics of all his stuff thrown everywhere in his new

apartment. The pics said "you want to see effed up, aggravation, and anxiety?" I said this was your decision, I did all I could to make this work. Got dumped on, with "we were not a match, just never to be, we were a square peg in a round hole, just move on. I was faithful in my 18 year marriage" - apparently inferring I somehow didn't match up to his ex-wife in keeping him happy. He was acting like we were nothing, saying "let's not talk about what could have been. Just didn't work." His minimizing of us as if we were just some flash in the pan cuts so deep with my empty house. God, after 4 years, that just so hurts in my stomach. A guy friend came over and brought me dinner to cheer me up, but the pain of the finality is so hard to bear tonite. The tears just keep coming... .

We have all been where you are now. Cliche... .but it gets better. Then sooner you detach ( easier said then done) the faster you can move on. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Hello Topknot - Sending you  .  Let the tears come.  The release they bring is healing.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Mr Hollande]

sending me pics of all his stuff thrown everywhere in his new apartment. The pics said "you want to see effed up, aggravation, and anxiety?"

Imagine his life continuing like that forever. You may be left with what appears to be a sad empty shell of a house but it's yours and the power to fill it with the things, friends, love and memories you want is in your hands. He removed himself thus giving you a head start on the road toward making this place your own. He no longer has an influence on that.

However small or humble the first steps - do it. It's a great thing!

[topknot]

Thank you to everyone above who responded to me. Your answers made all the difference sitting here alone. Today, it's BPD at its finest. Had to post to say every bunny was pulled out of the hat today. "What do you mean, there's a problem with XYZ? I just called - everything is in order. Not sure why you had a problem?" I just answered "Um hm, right." Then, I am missing everything from hot dog tongs to paper towels (REALLY?) to my favorite coffee mugs from various people. I texted that I want all the items back. He writes "well, to ease your mind, why don't you come to ----- (subdivision) where I live and you can go thru everything?" AAAHH! I said no thank you, bring them back next week (when I AM GONE). Then the rage - "You have such animosity towards me, Topknot. Why don't you go scream in a pillow? I have been civil and kind thru all this." I was so over the top, I just said "Can't you find one of your tramps to annoy at this moment so I can go back to work?" Every bunny in the hat... .

[Aussie JJ]

When it comes back it is bad.  Yesterday I was on a role just absorbing and understanding and being detached more often than not. 

Today like an averlanch I am overwhelmed not by her actions but by how they have effected my son today.  Such a simple thing as well.  I want to just explode not at her but at the BPD for having to effect his life and rob him of two parents able to resolve issues. 

[Split black]

When it comes back it is bad.  Yesterday I was on a role just absorbing and understanding and being detached more often than not. 

Today like an averlanch I am overwhelmed not by her actions but by how they have effected my son today.  Such a simple thing as well.  I want to just explode not at her but at the BPD for having to effect his life and rob him of two parents able to resolve issues. 

Walking away and staying away from a borderline your sexually attracted to is worse then quitting heroin, crack, oxy and booze... .   Im so happy Im moving in 9 days... .  far far away.

[Ceruleanblue]

Split Black: I sure can agree with you on what you said. I was in a three year relationship with a Sociopath I was highly sexually attracted to. Getting away from him, while I loved him, was the hardest thing I've ever done. There was some sort of sick, physical draw(one that wasn't even sexual), that just kept me craving him. I always thought it probably was like kicking an addiction.

Even my current situation, bad as it is, does not have my insides torn up like that did. Alas, something to be thankful for.

[pavilion]

Hi Topknot. Be kind to yourself, you will be feeling very low and tearful as this is a huge loss that you are having to put yourself through for your own sanity. Give yourself time, take care of yourself and make sure you have supportive people around you.

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm so sorry you are feeling badly. I've been there, although I've chosen to stay thus far. Breaking up, and moving on is so hard. Be kind to yourself, and it might be a good idea to have very low or no contact with him. He's already shown himself to be hurtful, even since you've left him.

Your house may feel empty, but at least it's not filled with all the stuff that comes along with BPD. Hugs to you. 

[Split black]

I'm so sorry you are feeling badly. I've been there, although I've chosen to stay thus far. Breaking up, and moving on is so hard. Be kind to yourself, and it might be a good idea to have very low or no contact with him. He's already shown himself to be hurtful, even since you've left him.

Your house may feel empty, but at least it's not filled with all the stuff that comes along with BPD. Hugs to you. 

Ive tried therapy for a year, dating with several other normal women, that was distracting... .but there is nothing short of moving that I can count on. As many years as Ive had, thru all my various relationships some very long lasting, family... .etc. I have no explanation for my addiction to her other then its triggered such deep unmet needs... .but even in the knowing of this... .it does little unless you can STOP being with them.  I bet there are many people that have not survived the ordeal of a borderline infected relationship... .  8 days till Im out of this State. A new career, friends, and family are waiting. Im excited.

[topknot]

Thank you so much, everyone, for all the additional encouragement you have given me.  I am missing so many items that he needs to return - I will never believe that was an accident, but another way to engage me to keep the connection.  He even left a favorite sensual picture we both loved on my bedroom wall but took the damn bed - unbelievable.  I took the picture down - done is done.  I have dated a number of men for distraction purposes, and I have found that it is so soothing to just be with "normal" - no games, no drama, no trying to get something from me all the time.  It was peaceful.  I thought, this is what regular people do, and it feels very nice.  Mostly, it felt nice not to have to be untrusting of someone's motives.  They weren't checking their phones constantly for texts or calls, and then turning their Iphone upside down so I couldn't read it.  These people honestly were interested in what I had to say over a dinner and put their phone away.  It was decent, it made me feel that my presence mattered to someone.  And it was nice to have someone look into my eyes, tell me they were pretty, and not check out every skirt that passed by our table.  Coming out of the FOG is serenity

[trappedinlove]

Oh topknot, I know so well how this feels.  Stay with it.  It's ok.  The agony will pass and you will heal and be better.

At one of these low moments I found encouragement from the Japanese art of Kintsugi:

www.sidramushtaq.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/kintsukuroimeme.jpg

kintsukuroi

(n.) (v. phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer

and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.

[topknot]

Oh, trappedinlove, that is SO amazing!  I never heard of that before, but I am going to do more research on that as well. What a perfect analogy - thank you!