Concerned parent

[concerned46]

I'm a concerned parent.  My daughter,28, has had to quit a good job last February and is currently unemployed.  In early 2013 she had a serious operation on her pituitary gland.  She was still able to hold down her job after that operation but six months thereafter she started suffering from severe depression.  And somehow she also started hating her job, which she was good at.  She also started an alarming spending binge buying unnecessary things online, with dozens and dozens of boxes from Amazon and elsewhere ending on our doorstep.  She's now burned through all her savings.  Since my daughter is not working, I'm supporting her financially and also paying for her Cobra insurance coverage which should last us through mid-2015.  Luckily she's going through group therapy and has visits to the psychiatrist that are covered by Cobra right now.  But she spends "mindlessly", because that's how she puts it.  She says that whenever she's depressed she just surfs the net and buys things, mostly unnecessary stuff and is not even aware she's doing it.  I'm afraid that this mindless spending might bankrupt her and will have a huge financial impact on me--as I'm supporting her right now.  Btw, I'm retired and on fixed income.  Would any member have any insight or advice on this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[maxen]

hi concerned46 and 

i'm so sorry to hear of your situation. it must be very stressful to be dealing with it on a daily basis. i sympathize strongly with your worries over your daughter's spending, i faced exactly the same pattern of behavior in my marriage, and i too was left in fear. i'm very happy though that you've found our site. here wwe have a wealth of resources and you will meet an active community of posters who have experienced themselves what you are going through, and are ready to listen and to help. welcome again!

when a child suffers from BPD, even an adult child, not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often so are others who loves them. this illness can create drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. however, there are approaches to these problems. a great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? please also visit our board dedicated to Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD.

would you be comfortable telling a little more? does your daughter have an official diagnosis of BPD? do you have a counselor or family for support? please keep posting concerned46!

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Concerned46,

I'd like to join Maxen in welcoming you to our rather large family.  I hear your concern about your daughter's depression and out-of-control "mindless" spending.  It is scary to see someone we love so depressed and out of control.  My daughter(17) was recently diagnosed with BPD after a self-cutting incident that landed her in a pediatric mental hospital for a 3 day hold.  She has been depressed on and off since she hit puberty.  So, I understand your concern first hand.

That is great that your daughter is already getting some help in group therapy and visits to her psychiatrist.  BPD is difficult to treat because a lot of the time, the person suffering from it doesn't realize they are the one with the problem.  So, you're already ahead of the game since she is already getting care. Still, I can't help but wonder if her depression might be somehow related to the recent brain surgery.  Did she have these behaviors before the surgery?

I'm also curious what other behaviors and/or diagnosis led you to believe your daughter has BPD?   

You're more than welcome to join us on the parenting board Maxen gave you the link to.  Your daughter doesn't need to have an official diagnosis for YOU to benefit from the parenting board.  The more you share with us, the more we can help you!  There are lots of tools and lessons to the right of that board that are very helpful to help YOU cope.  There are a lot of parents on the parenting board who understand the struggle and pain we endure by watching our children go through downward spirals.  You're not alone!  I don't have any specific information for you about financial assistance, but there are other parents who are dealing with or have already dealt with similar issues.  So, please come join us.

Hang in there!  I'm glad you found us.

Hang in there.