Is it normal practice to be "not contacted"

[Ventus2ct]

Just asking, am at 90 odds days NC and not received a peep, most of the time I'm happy that she has not attempted to make contact (made my life easier for sure), had pretty much given up hope of contact but do have days when I actually think she will try.

Is this common, I guess she has a new supply and all will remain quiet until that degrades.

I ask myself why do I wish for her to attempt to contact.

Is it because I would then in my mind validate that maybe she did care/love (I know this would not be the case)

I also have a compunction, that if she did, I would ignore, which I guess in a similar way to a BPD, would make me feel better (is this wrong?) because I could then be in a position to reject her. I suspect that this is childish but is a feeling/thought.

Or maybe i just want to feel wanted by someone who has created so much pain in my life, the knowledge of this, again only to reject it.

I feel strong enough now to reject anything from her, text, e-mail, phone but suspect would really struggle still if she turned up at my doorstep. But then she wouldn't would she as am still Black! (luckily!)

So am I still living in a dreamland of hope? I had thought "hope" was gone but at times it surfaces.

[Infared]

I don't know your history but it sounds like you had a lot of pain.

Mine lied to me repeatedly and ran of to the person that she was cheating on me with. She (and he) acted out in public to hurt me emotionally. She was clearly gloating and enjoying causing me pain. I was in that horrible place where, in spite of all of that behavior I still missed and wanted her so much... .it was so twisted and painful.  It's years later now (I still miss what I thought I had with her or maybe who I "thought" she was), and she will attempt (only when she is alone, of course), to come up to me. She will go waaaaay out of her way to "accidentally" run into me. (Right there that is so sick and manipulative, tells me nothing has changed)... .

Now, I have strictly enforced NC, always will, no matter what I need to do, I will not interact with this person. Too much pain back there and the behavior was like nothing that I ever experienced in my life. This is about protecting me from more abuse and pain... .I know she is just a very sick little girl, but I am human and I will be honest, I do get a little enjoyment out of rejecting her. It's not my primary reason... .I am taking care of me... .but I think it is only natural to have some of those feelings. Sick or not she brutalized me.

I think we can change. If they are in denial and not getting any treatment or doing work on themselves they cannot change. I just stay away, there is no "catching up" with them. I have to remember that she is not capable of empathy or real warmth. It's not a normal or healthy situation so in the end I take action to save me and keep me safe from the black vortex. I am not responsible for it and I do not need to be nice, or help her or save her. I just need to love me when I am confronted with her. Nothing good can come of interacting with her. I have a huge body of proof. I am insane if I ignore that... .even for a second.

[Lights843]

It's years later now (I still miss what I thought I had with her or maybe who I "thought" she was), and she will attempt (only when she is alone, of course), to come up to me. She will go waaaaay out of her way to "accidentally" run into me.

How many years was it when she first tracked you down? How long has she done it for?

For me, I am hundreds of miles away from my ex but I know for certain she would throw herself in certain circles in order to cross paths with me if we lived in the same city still. Ventus, I feel exactly like you feel and it's been over two years NC for me. The only thing that helps me is staying busy and continually being around truly good people but also, I think it's healthy at times to reflect and acknowledge these problems.

I know for certain that if she walked back into your life that she will not tell you the things you want to hear and would in fact say hurtful things to you that will only bring forth more pain and manipulation.

[Lolster]

Mine resurfaced after SIX years, what the heck? 

[huhhuh]

It's been 1½ years for me. Never heard anything from her and since I don't a social media profile she can't stalk me.

I am very confused too. I don't understand why she doesn't stalk or mess with me. Sure she is married to my replacement but I had expected some kind of contact. It's like I have just been erased from her memory.

Maybe she will contact me in the future, maybe not. it's driving me crazy that I don't know if she is done with me for good.

Don't wait for validation. Sadly they are not capable to give us the validation and closure we need and deserve.

[Infared]

It's years later now (I still miss what I thought I had with her or maybe who I "thought" she was), and she will attempt (only when she is alone, of course), to come up to me. She will go waaaaay out of her way to "accidentally" run into me.

How many years was it when she first tracked you down? How long has she done it for?

For me, I am hundreds of miles away from my ex but I know for certain she would throw herself in certain circles in order to cross paths with me if we lived in the same city still. Ventus, I feel exactly like you feel and it's been over two years NC for me. The only thing that helps me is staying busy and continually being around truly good people but also, I think it's healthy at times to reflect and acknowledge these problems.

I know for certain that if she walked back into your life that she will not tell you the things you want to hear and would in fact say hurtful things to you that will only bring forth more pain and manipulation.

The first was about the 1.5yr. point.  Living with my replacement. Totally just trying to see if she had TOTAL control over me.

Triple drive-by, then pull-in... .me putting mountain bike on SUV... .great peripheral vision... shades on... .gave away NOTHING... .knew I had INCOMING~~~ LOL.

Quote: "Will you take a walk with me? It won't change anything!" Translation: I am completely setting my terms with you and just so you know... yes... I made the contact but this encounter is going to be completely on YOUR emotional dime dude"

My response: "ABSOLUTELY NOT.  So what... .you want me to come take a walk with you, talk to you, get close to you,  wanna be with you and then you will go home an sleep with (blank) and I will go home alone?"   PHEW!  

Her: "Well, yeah".

My response: "ABSOLUTELY NOT.  I would not be being a very good friend to myself if I did that, now would I?"

Her: Silence... .actually I think she was STUPIFIED!

I did not raise my voice or swear, etc. I was just REALLY firm.

That was after a LOT of therapy and a self-help group. It was terribly upsetting... .I had NEVER stood my ground around this crap.

The latest was 10 years after. (her married to my replacement, I think, not sure, don't try to find out ANYTHING).  She tried to orchestrate an ambush in a parking lot. Really worked hard at it... .Thank God I was on my toes... .my immediate reaction was to turn away, look disgusted and bolt for my car.

It was great, she insulted him and me all in one action!  

I'd be lying if I said it didn't shake me up... .that is what made me find this forum. Until I did... .I always knew something was way wrong with the whole dynamic... .but I did not know what BPD was.  What an eyeopener this has been for me. Truly.  Now at least I understand what was/is going on.  They never stop apparently. We have to do the work to save ourselves.  I cannot be around the siren... .she will suck me in... .so I just don't allow it. Extreme measures for and extreme situation for my well being.  

I really miss what I thought I had. I miss her Mom. Really loved her... .but there is waaaaay too much damage there... .and she is not fixing anything because in her world, nothing is wrong?

[Lights843]

Mine resurfaced after SIX years, what the heck? 

Wow. This is probably my greatest fear. Do you mind sharing how the encounter went down or is it too emotional?

[Lights843]

It's years later now (I still miss what I thought I had with her or maybe who I "thought" she was), and she will attempt (only when she is alone, of course), to come up to me. She will go waaaaay out of her way to "accidentally" run into me.

How many years was it when she first tracked you down? How long has she done it for?

For me, I am hundreds of miles away from my ex but I know for certain she would throw herself in certain circles in order to cross paths with me if we lived in the same city still. Ventus, I feel exactly like you feel and it's been over two years NC for me. The only thing that helps me is staying busy and continually being around truly good people but also, I think it's healthy at times to reflect and acknowledge these problems.

I know for certain that if she walked back into your life that she will not tell you the things you want to hear and would in fact say hurtful things to you that will only bring forth more pain and manipulation.

The first was about the 1.5yr. point.  Living with my replacement. Totally just trying to see if she had TOTAL control over me.

Triple drive-by, then pull-in... .me putting mountain bike on SUV... .great peripheral vision... shades on... .gave away NOTHING... .knew I had INCOMING~~~ LOL.

Quote: "Will you take a walk with me? It won't change anything!" Translation: I am completely setting my terms with you and just so you know... yes... I made the contact but this encounter is going to be completely on YOUR emotional dime dude"

My response: "ABSOLUTELY NOT.  So what... .you want me to come take a walk with you, talk to you, get close to you,  wanna be with you and then you will go home an sleep with (blank) and I will go home alone?"   PHEW!  

Her: "Well, yeah".

My response: "ABSOLUTELY NOT.  I would not be being a very good friend to myself if I did that, now would I?"

Her: Silence... .actually I think she was STUPIFIED!

I did not raise my voice or swear, etc. I was just REALLY firm.

That was after a LOT of therapy and a self-help group. It was terribly upsetting... .I had NEVER stood my ground around this crap.

The latest was 10 years after. (her married to my replacement, I think, not sure, don't try to find out ANYTHING).  She tried to orchestrate an ambush in a parking lot. Really worked hard at it... .Thank God I was on my toes... .my immediate reaction was to turn away, look disgusted and bolt for my car.

It was great, she insulted him and me all in one action!  

I'd be lying if I said it didn't shake me up... .that is what made me find this forum. Until I did... .I always knew something was way wrong with the whole dynamic... .but I did not know what BPD was.  What an eyeopener this has been for me. Truly.  Now at least I understand what was/is going on.  They never stop apparently. We have to do the work to save ourselves.  I cannot be around the siren... .she will suck me in... .so I just don't allow it. Extreme measures for and extreme situation for my well being.  

I really miss what I thought I had. I miss her Mom. Really loved her... .but there is waaaaay too much damage there... .and she is not fixing anything because in her world, nothing is wrong?

First, thanks for sharing this. That's a crazy experience - 10 YEARS later. Wow!

Second, I feel the same. Loved her family and they loved me. Her mom refuses to keep in touch because she just breaks down in tears to the point of passing out and I don't want to bring that kind of pain.

If this entire experience was a puzzle, the only piece missing is for my ex to sit down and apologize. I don't even need her to acknowledge any of the moral codes and even the laws she has broken. I know she can't possibly understand what she has done wrong but I do know she knows that she screwed up real bad and I don't see her shame allowing her to ever track me down. Maybe that's for the better.

[Infared]

Yeah, Lights... .it's really sad what they do. Her Mom loved me, too. She knew that I loved her daughter and that I had elevated her life... .of course in the end she was throwing lie bombs everywhere and manipulating everyone to be with this guy without anyone knowing, playing victim, etc. etc... .was really horrible. I do not see any evidence of any self-awareness... and NEVER any kind of apology. Afterall, I am to blame for everything. (Certainly not.)

I was never on Fakebook, changed my phone #, etc. I had to make total NC for my survival. She has tried to purposefully "run-in" to me 6 or 7 times over the years... .and I always avoid what I have to consider an attack, and it is very, very painful for me. ... .but I use my network and I work through it.  Nothing but heartache there. I so wish it could have been different.

[Huh?]

Ive never had an ex contact me after I was cut off, the last two most definitely BPD.  The first, npd.   I wasnt perfect, but I treated them really, really well.  So... .yeah, It pretty much wrecks you wondering and waiting for validation... .especially when you hear other stories about BPDs never going away... .but, I hear its a good thing that Ive got going, more time for me to figure out why I attract these women and build stronger boundaries.   

[alvy singer]

Ventus:

I don't think there's a guaranteed standard answer to your question. Here's why: While every true veteran of the BPD relationship eventually realizes the broad lines of the picture (the almost universal traits that span the lower functioning to the higher, the averagely- blessed/ beautiful, to the most exceptional), there's still a predictably unpredictable person there.

I believe, the more high functioning, the more complex the array of behaviors after a breakup. (Oh, the same dysfunction dominates the person), but they may also just burn out on the relationship (even if THEY AND THEY ALONE lit it up). They get to the point where they can't face the mess they made, feel self- pity and recrimination over the duplication of all their old mistakes & misdeeds, and just write you out... .though to them, the rationalization may be  "It just ran it's course, and I'm out of love for this person, time to move on, it really wasn't as serious as I felt it was, life is in the future, don't look back, besides, there's no desire left, etc."

And to get back to the precise thought, just as someone who's got depression can feel happiness, just as a schizophrenic can make perfectly lucid, even brilliant observations, I'd suppose even a hardcore BPD can also just be "OVER IT," as can anyone else. Even if they are the sole reason they are over it, the fire just goes out. Being self-centered as a matter of course, for self preservation, they might take any array of courses in ignoring you.

Admittedly this stems from my own experience wherein my BPD ex of about six years got engaged to my replacement exactly a year after she let go of me and fully took up with him. Now, 19 months after the engagement... .no marriage that I can see. She has NEVER contacted me, and the two time s we ran into each other in public (both with him there), she was brittle, cold and transparently unable/ unwilling to be a normal person with me. Yet despite the inferences I (could) make, that she was very shook up by seeing me, and could not act with full presence or grace, I think it none the less also shows (as does her total lack of contact), that she just doesn't care. I could get killed tomorrow & I doubt it would actually mean a thing to her.

This is my intuitition on the matter for me... .it's not so much affected by the wishes you describe. Too much time has passed for me to have love or even respect for her, so I have no wishes, except I'd like the appropriate closure/ apologies I never got. But I know thy'll never come, either.

I can only say, in closing, for me, short of her making a sincere apology (beyond her abilities or character), it's best if she never contacts me anyway. So the knee-jerk response to you is it's best if she just disappears totally, too! But seriously, since BPDs are just a massive complication and always turn right back into the narcissistic perps they always were, what would you expect? Imagine her really... .really LOVING you. Do you really see this? Is she capable of selfless sacrifice? Because that's part of love, in some measure. BPDs don't have the capacity for this. So how could repeat contact help you? She'd only be looking for some temporary fix... .all to her benefit, no matter how she rationalized it.

I acknowledge that though I'm OK, I am a changed man, for sure. And that's got to be OK, too, because this is who I am, and I can only start where I am. (Still bored enough to want to know what became of that engagement, dammit! ). But beyond that, life is a rather thankfully mundane affair. Healed, with some scars. I wish that - or better , for you. If she leaves you alone for the rest of your life, you're better off, IME. As I've told a couple of other posters here, I'd not offer the most dangerous of words (advice) on the matter, if I wasn't quite sure I've healed enough to be "normal." And I'm not a ray of sunshine. Though it's literally my JOB to help, support and teach others, and I do it well,in my personal life, I am dour or a downer, or too hard-boiled according to many friends and lovers.

Yet I did it... .I healed, rode the  bullet train until my stop finally came up, and stepped off onto the still earth. And I've gone almost two years beyond that, and see that I did indeed get better, and the terrible trials definitely forced me to grow tougher, more realistic. If I am ever to be "happy," the hell of loving a BPD for so long, may actually have helped me get there, though things can never be the same. You will get there

[Ventus2ct]

Thanks Alvy Singer, what you say is true, the questions you ask re "can I see her loving me etc" really hammers it home, the Honeymoon was over long ago now, in her eyes, this was love. It'd never go back there, how could it!

She is a high functioning undiagnosed BPD, has a job (PR manager, 3yrs) and always seemed to me to have been "let down" by men. She left her house, friends, family, 500 miles away over some issue with a man up North, moved down here, has friends but appears to get through them.

Yes, I think what you say is correct they just have the ability to get over it, switch it off, shut it all down, she has a stubbornness about her, always did and also agree that even if she wanted to get in contact her pride wouldn't allow her to.

She was like this with her last ex, she ignored him completely until "our" relationship got into the devaluation stage, then she contacted him, FB friends etc etc, I guess triangulation? Although with any of her ex's she always stated that she'd "Made peace with them" Almost as if she had contacted them to alleviate her guilt, she said this about most of them, along with her being friends with all of her ex's, making out that I'd be childish not to be her friend! In her dreams!

I think it was just a "blip" on my part, thoughts got the better of me for a day or two, when in fact I shouldn't really give a t*ss about her. I read on here all the stories, yet, still struggle to implement sometimes my own advice! I guess we are all human and lapse sometimes.

I am glad she's not contacted me, heaven knows what it would be like having to deal with her trying to charm, re-engage only for her to drop me again, so I should be very very thankful for that.

She lives about 5 mins drive away, in a small town, so I will see her one day, that I'm sure but for the time being I avoid going into town, I wish she'd move back up North but alas unlikely, I can't move as have a farm here and don't fancy selling up to move, she's not worth that!

I am glad and happy for you to have got through it, good on you! I can understand what you say that it was something you had to go through in order to be a "better person" I sense, as with everyone on this board that it is a journey we're all on, some further down the road than others, some having reached their destination are still around (such as yourself) and still are able and willing to give advice. It's a pretty remarkable place to be and I now know why the forum is called bpdfamily, as we're all one big family going or having gone through the same or similar experience.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Ventus2ct,

These feelings that you have sometimes are really understandable and normal, I know I've been there, too. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself, there is nothing wrong with feeling that way at all.  I've found that shoving feelings down into some semblance of "bucking it up" or judging them harshly just hardens me, and cuts me off from my power.

In my situation, pwBPD didn't contact me for a long time, a little over a year (once before, but indirectly, hidden).  At first, I felt very hurt that he didn't try, but then again, I had asked for no contact, so maybe he was just respecting that.

Ultimately, his silence helped me.  If he had been on a campaign to stay in touch, or get me back, who knows how long it would have taken me to detach?  I needed the time to deal with my stuff, without the heart-wrenching distractions.  By the time the message from him came, I understood that his desire to have a relationship with me was about what he needed, and didn't take my desires or needs into consideration at all – it would have been a repeat of what I had done to myself in the relationship – and because of that time of NC, I could clearly see that.  The fantasy goggles had been pulled off.  

Keep exploring your feelings, let them have their space – they don't define who you are.  I commend you for looking at your role and examining your reactions. This is the key to your recovery, Ventus, and you are doing it.  

heartandwhole

[Lolster]

Mine resurfaced after SIX years, what the heck? 

Wow. This is probably my greatest fear. Do you mind sharing how the encounter went down or is it too emotional?

Hi Lights, if you look at my new members post, and a couple in here it is all there. 

He basically contacted me via fb and I found a message in my 'others' folder.  I responded as I stupidly believed he had worked through some of his issues.  However, the red flags that he hadn't were all still there in hindsight.  I hadn't blocked him on fb as I had never friended him on there in the first place, and most of my content is not viewable by the general public.  I did used to have my settings so that only friends could message me, but due to some voluntary work I have been doing the past year I had changed that setting.  I never even considered looking him up and blocking him at that time.  I did find out that he had sent me an email rant a year ago (he told me that) which I never got as he was blocked from my email and I was no longer using that address.  I had also had a couple of random text messages over the last couple of years, simply saying "Hi" which could have been him, I've changed my phone but not my number a few times, but I simply deleted them. He then changed tact and sent a long fb message about how sorry he was, blah blah blah.  He wasn't sorry at all, he was just stuck for anyone to rage at. Interestingly from what I managed to piece together I think the email rant was probably sent after he ended a 12 month relationship with someone else, and that he probably sent that after not receiving a reply to the random text message trying to re-establish contact.  At a guess I'd say that he sent me a text message at the beginning of his new relationship (if I'd responded it would have been to tell me how great she was) and one when that ended, probably to try and pick up where he left off with me.  No response resulted in the email rage I never read, and a whole year later he changed tact and apologised due to having no other outlet for his weirdness.   

[Sugarlily]

Hi Ventus

Mine has often recontacted/recycled and I always get sucked in. I think different people react differently and even can be different with different relationships or circumstances.

What tends to have me thinking more carefully about going back each time is that he has told me quite at length about his previous relationships. He contacted all of them again after varying different lengths of time and when I hear their stories I put myself in their place and it helps when deciding what to do next.

His first gf was a vulnerable 17 yr old who had lost her father at a young age and just before she met him been sexually assaulted. She and her mum made him very welcome in their home and he always says how kind they were, how they took him on holiday and gave him the first compliments/praise he had ever had. He couldn't forgive her for the assault though and made her life difficult. After breaking up he said he was desperate to call her and often imagined a reconciliation were she welcomed him back with open arms. He was too scared to call as he knew how much he had hurt her. Instead for 3 years he regularly drove past her work and home, asked anyone who might know her how she was doing and once even travelled over 2 hours to visit the place she was born. All this obsession - yet no contact.

Another gf he fell head over heels in love with, but suddenly stopped contacting and still regrets now. He contacted her years later and still sends bd/Christmas cards although she is happily married with a family.

He had a 7 yr relationship that his mum sabotaged and in which he did something so awful they couldn't continue. He contacted her 10 years later to ask for forgiveness and even had her meet him for the anniversary of their breaking up at 15 yrs. She is happily settled with a good man and has a son now.

There is a similar pattern to others. What I ask myself is, how would these women's lives be different if he had contacted them when he wanted to and they had recycled? As far as I can tell they all have good, happy relationships and families now, as this is something he is bitter about.

Best to remind yourself what contact might lead to and what the many options are if you continue without that contact.

[Alex86]

I believe, the more high functioning, the more complex the array of behaviors after a breakup. (Oh, the same dysfunction dominates the person), but they may also just burn out on the relationship (even if THEY AND THEY ALONE lit it up). They get to the point where they can't face the mess they made, feel self- pity and recrimination over the duplication of all their old mistakes & misdeeds, and just write you out... .though to them, the rationalization may be  "It just ran it's course, and I'm out of love for this person, time to move on, it really wasn't as serious as I felt it was, life is in the future, don't look back, besides, there's no desire left, etc."

Thanks for that man. These words were exactly what I heard in our last contact. All the world's excuses to end the r/s. I would add the most serious and hurtful one: "love is not enough to get back"... .

[Blimblam]

I believe, the more high functioning, the more complex the array of behaviors after a breakup. (Oh, the same dysfunction dominates the person), but they may also just burn out on the relationship (even if THEY AND THEY ALONE lit it up). They get to the point where they can't face the mess they made, feel self- pity and recrimination over the duplication of all their old mistakes & misdeeds, and just write you out... .though to them, the rationalization may be  "It just ran it's course, and I'm out of love for this person, time to move on, it really wasn't as serious as I felt it was, life is in the future, don't look back, besides, there's no desire left, etc."

Thanks for that man. These words were exactly what I heard in our last contact. All the world's excuses to end the r/s. I would add the most serious and hurtful one: "love is not enough to get back"... .

the sad truth.  so hard to accept.

[alvy singer]

TO Ventus and everyone, perhaps especially you, Sugarlilly:

I'll make the assumption that your BPD ex was something special (and I don't mean that their dysfunction made them special). I mean there was something or there were many things qyute special to you. I know in my case, my ex was the most attractive woman I've ever been with, from her mind, to her personality (the good parts), her intellect, her sophistication, worldliness, her achievements, and did I mention she was not only drop-dead gorgeous to everyone, but she was literally an archetype for me?

OK, now imagine YOU, in YOUR situation, being able to say to yourself:

"I realize I may never know more than I do now. The pain is just a memory. I may miss the strengths of that person, but the whole was just a flaming trainwreck, surrounded by a tornado of dumpster fires. She/ he is impossible, and I just don't , or could I ever love them again... .or trust them... .or want them, even though they truly are so smoking beautiful... .I have tasted the poison so many times, I'm just turned off to it. I may never be the same, I may be jaded-or perhaps more aware about how people can be very good and still very bad at the same time, so it's a bit complex, after this. But I'm OK. I do not miss that person at all. I may be lonely, or wish I could find someone with those qualities again, but whom is NOT dangerously unwell, but going back to them is just a total impossibility... .it's ludicrous.

And I'm OK with having been burned, debased, used, lied to... .it's a lot like other old wounds. I may remember them, but the painful aspect is gone. It's not really personal anymore. And I remember, from time to time that this super-attractive and valuable person is also a badly maladjusted two-year-old, in private, and that's not only unattractive, it's sad, pathetic and even loathsome." And that was all real, and this is how it ended, and *oh, the light is green, time to go, hey I'm hungry, what do I want to eat?" * And you realize that mundane life has returned... .the anxious, pained time is over... .You are now just boring old normal again.

That's a great place to be. You visit it more and more, until it's your new home, and the old one of obsession, of real attachment, seems so far off, it's like the house you lived in 30 years ago... just pictures, just other old stuff.

It happens! Keep walking, one foot, then the other. Keep going day to day, and time does it for you. IME, a lot of seemingly futile reminders to REDIRECT PAINFUL THOUGHTS TO ANYTHING ELSE, actually did small wonders for my obsessive personality. Like it actually made me a better person. I worked so mightily against absurd odds, then it caught on. And Then I could also accept (the otherwise almost humiliating aspect) that the mere passage of time- on my schedule, in my way- was vital.

Hell, if I can do it... .anyone can. The full details of my prospects for finding that kind of intense love are kind of ... .disheartening, but it would be a bore to elucidate. Yet I really got over the greatest love and pain of my life. ERGO, if I can do it, I know you can (sorry for the lame-ass smiley faces, but it is a happy realization).

[Vexed]

Well they are all different.  If she is similar to my ex I would ask you how it ended?  Did you lose your cool and commit an actual disrespect, not just a perceived one?  If this is the case you might not hear from her for years if ever. 

My ex was able to escalate fights into physical alterations as well as aggregate them into saying things such as "I never loved you", name calling and insults.  She cut them all off completely, as for me the worst thing I did was "give up" and "raise my voice", perceived insults, and I think deep down she knows I didn't do anything because  I never let my anger say and do things I wanted to.  Then again there's no knight to save her yet.

But most likely she is in the honeymoon phase with her new man and is not thinking about you. 

Anyway that's my .02

[Ventus2ct]

Well they are all different.  If she is similar to my ex I would ask you how it ended?  Did you lose your cool and commit an actual disrespect, not just a perceived one?  If this is the case you might not hear from her for years if ever. 


But most likely she is in the honeymoon phase with her new man and is not thinking about you. 

Anyway that's my .02

Woke up one morning after a lovely weekend spent together, made love, had a coffee and went to work, by mid afternoon I had a text saying we needed to talk, so I phoned her and that was that, "I love you but am not in love with you" and "I am ready for a relationship, but not with you" was what she had to say for herself! Comical looking back at it now! I did voice some strong words to her as was fed up of the constant push-pull rejection. I did communicate via e-mail a week later, where she was very happy with herself, came across as laughing at me from behind her keyboard.

Yes, I agree she'll be very happy with her new man or being single and being happy with her new men!

[Infared]

Ventus...     "I love you but am not in love with you". Mine said the same thing... .for me the rest of the unspoken sentence was "because I am in love with someone else."

BPD's have to have new supply before hey detach. They cannot be alone. They will lie over and over to anyone they need to to control the situation.

Mine got smug, etc., just like yours behavior she had never exhibited toward me... .but she did not have any inner strength, she was totally propped up by her new supply.

[Infared]

Ventus...     "I love you but am not in love with you". Mine said the same thing... .for me the rest of the unspoken sentence was "because I am in love with someone else."

BPD's have to have new supply before hey detach. They cannot be alone. They will lie over and over to anyone they need to to control the situation.

Mine got smug, etc., just like yours behavior she had never exhibited toward me... .but she did not have any inner strength, she was totally propped up by her new supply.

[Ventus2ct]

Yes, I did think that too, she'd never jump ship unless she had another one to land on, she wouldn't cope with wet feet! Although we did spend an awful lot of time together am aware she was on Tinder etc at the latter stages but never said anything as did feel she did it to get a reaction out of me.

She did say after dumping me that "You've probably had enough of me anyway"

I don't worry over the dumping to be honest, it was callous, immature and cowardly, certainly not how someone would treat you when they state they are in love with you, but then we've all been through it.

It's just a sad set of circumstances, just got to get on with it now and be thankful we never had the child as fear it could be a huge mess and lots of £££'s.

The facts speak for themselves, I never put these facts together at an early stage but have done now and it was/is pretty scary, so a bullet dodged I feel, but yes, still miss the good time illusion at times.

Poor chap is all I can say about her new (if she has one) beau! No doubt he'll be on here soon too!

[Caramel]

I believe, the more high functioning, the more complex the array of behaviors after a breakup. (Oh, the same dysfunction dominates the person), but they may also just burn out on the relationship (even if THEY AND THEY ALONE lit it up). They get to the point where they can't face the mess they made, feel self- pity and recrimination over the duplication of all their old mistakes & misdeeds, and just write you out... .though to them, the rationalization may be  "It just ran it's course, and I'm out of love for this person, time to move on, it really wasn't as serious as I felt it was, life is in the future, don't look back, besides, there's no desire left, etc."

High functioning and a little bit of NPD traits, you might never hear back from them. Mine never contacted any of his ex's. He said that he had no interest in visiting the past and that he was over those girls and they were now only good memories. Although he was so proud of the fact that some of them were still in love with him after so many years and were still trying to contact him. He talked about his ex's, showed me photos of them, asked me if I thought they were pretty and showed me the lovely comments they left on his Facebook photo. What I am saying is that they were always in our daily conversations and they were not forgotten about. But he never contacted them. Or at least that's the impression he gave me.  

We were very serious. We were going to get married. When he dumped me I said to him in tears that I was going to miss our relationship. He said to me

"Be realistic. Our relationship was just chaos and drama. There is nothing to miss about it. Look at the trees darling. They do not resist the change. We should be like them. It was just an experience. Accept and let go. Move on."

Those calm wise words made me wonder who was the one with the disorder, me or him?

And that was it. Five and half months later, no words, no nothing. Like I never existed.

I hate this disorder.I hate his parents for doing this to him, to us. I hate how much I miss him. I hate how much energy I have to spend to resist the urge to contact him.

[Infared]

High functioning and a little bit of NPD traits, you might never hear back from them. Mine never contacted any of his ex's. He said that he had no interest in visiting the past and that he was over those girls and they were now only good memories. Although he was so proud of the fact that some of them were still in love with him after so many years and were still trying to contact him. He talked about his ex's, showed me photos of them, asked me if I thought they were pretty and showed me the lovely comments they left on his Facebook photo. What I am saying is that they were always in our daily conversations and they were not forgotten about. But he never contacted them. Or at least that's the impression he gave me.  

We were very serious. We were going to get married. When he dumped me I said to him in tears that I was going to miss our relationship. He said to me

"Be realistic. Our relationship was just chaos and drama. There is nothing to miss about it. Look at the trees darling. They do not resist the change. We should be like them. It was just an experience. Accept and let go. Move on."

Those calm wise words made me wonder who was the one with the disorder, me or him?

And that was it. Five and half months later, no words, no nothing. Like I never existed.

I hate this disorder.I hate his parents for doing this to him, to us. I hate how much I miss him. I hate how much energy I have to spend to resist the urge to contact him.

Caramel, he sounds like a sociopath to me. Very cold. Hopefully you know in your head he is unhealthy for you, and your heart will eventually catch up.

[Mr Hollande]

High functioning and a little bit of NPD traits, you might never hear back from them. Mine never contacted any of his ex's. He said that he had no interest in visiting the past and that he was over those girls and they were now only good memories. Although he was so proud of the fact that some of them were still in love with him after so many years and were still trying to contact him. He talked about his ex's, showed me photos of them, asked me if I thought they were pretty and showed me the lovely comments they left on his Facebook photo. What I am saying is that they were always in our daily conversations and they were not forgotten about. But he never contacted them. Or at least that's the impression he gave me.  

We were very serious. We were going to get married. When he dumped me I said to him in tears that I was going to miss our relationship. He said to me

"Be realistic. Our relationship was just chaos and drama. There is nothing to miss about it. Look at the trees darling. They do not resist the change. We should be like them. It was just an experience. Accept and let go. Move on."

Those calm wise words made me wonder who was the one with the disorder, me or him?

And that was it. Five and half months later, no words, no nothing. Like I never existed.

I hate this disorder.I hate his parents for doing this to him, to us. I hate how much I miss him. I hate how much energy I have to spend to resist the urge to contact him.

Caramel, he sounds like a sociopath to me. Very cold. Hopefully you know in your head he is unhealthy for you, and your heart will eventually catch up.

I've read Hare's "Without Conscience" so I have a decent grasp on psychopathy and from what I understand NPD is a close relative. With NPD featuring in some BPD's it would explain the cold and devoid of empathy responses to other peoples feelings. It's nasty!

[Lilflower]

There is a similar pattern to others. What I ask myself is, how would these women's lives be different if he had contacted them when he wanted to and they had recycled? As far as I can tell they all have good, happy relationships and families now, as this is something he is bitter about.

Best to remind yourself what contact might lead to and what the many options are if you continue without that contact. [/quote]
This is such a good point. My T and I just discussed how I never really went through a full cycle. (This bothered me). This was because although he did hook up with a codependent (me) I was working with my T to observe my behaviors and change them. So the first time he disappeared for 3 days, which at the time you don't know is a pattern, I contacted him and we talked it out. I told him to never do that to me again.  A week later he blew up over nothing and disappeared on me again. However, this time I didn't chase or play. It was 3 weeks before any contact was made and when it was he went off on me about things that never happened and I never spoke to him again. The point is, today I was wondering what did I miss out on, having never been recycled. I think it would have went back and forth a while had I engaged in this game with him. I guess those of you who went through recycles would tell me I should be grateful for that but it still hurts knowing he just walked away... .

[Vexed]

Woke up one morning after a lovely weekend spent together, made love, had a coffee and went to work, by mid afternoon I had a text saying we needed to talk, so I phoned her and that was that, "I love you but am not in love with you" and "I am ready for a relationship, but not with you" was what she had to say for herself! Comical looking back at it now! I did voice some strong words to her as was fed up of the constant push-pull rejection. I did communicate via e-mail a week later, where she was very happy with herself, came across as laughing at me from behind her keyboard.

Yes, I agree she'll be very happy with her new man or being single and being happy with her new men!

I'm curious as there is some similarity in what happened to you with my breakup.  Do you feel you were in control at that time?  Or did you have more control than usual around that time?   Mine I feel decided to break up with me (after the best week in over a year)  to take back control, consciously she rationalized it as "I don't feel same about you, I'm not in love with you anymore, you gave up on me", when in actuality I had just set some firm boundaries and did not budge on them over the previous month giving me a lot of control and power in the r/s that had momentarily improved her behavior immensely, hence the great week we had before the breakup.

[Popcorn71]

Ventus...     "I love you but am not in love with you". Mine said the same thing... .for me the rest of the unspoken sentence was "because I am in love with someone else."

BPD's have to have new supply before hey detach. They cannot be alone. They will lie over and over to anyone they need to to control the situation.

Mine got smug, etc., just like yours behavior she had never exhibited toward me... .but she did not have any inner strength, she was totally propped up by her new supply.

Same here, and he wouldn't tell me why he didn't want me anymore.  When the truth finally came out, he whined that he didn't want to be on his own so he had found somebody (anybody) else.

[Popcorn71]

I'm curious as there is some similarity in what happened to you with my breakup.  :)o you feel you were in control at that time?  Or did you have more control than usual around that time?   Mine I feel decided to break up with me (after the best week in over a year)  to take back control, consciously she rationalized it as "I don't feel same about you, I'm not in love with you anymore, you gave up on me", when in actuality I had just set some firm boundaries and did not budge on them over the previous month giving me a lot of control and power in the r/s that had momentarily improved her behavior immensely, hence the great week we had before the breakup.[/quote]
I think you have a good point here.

My experience was that I had a lot of control at the point my ex ended our marriage.  Up until that point I had become dependent on him.  :)ue to trouble he caused, I wouldn't let him live with me and my kids and I got my life sorted out so that I wasn't dependent on him anymore, but I still wanted to save our marriage.  In effect, I took the control away from him.  It was then that he 'gave up' and found a replacement (who is totally dependant on him now, just as I once was).