Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
September 28, 2024, 11:50:01 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Thoughts on my anger
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Thoughts on my anger (Read 387 times)
SpringInMyStep
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 213
Thoughts on my anger
«
on:
August 06, 2014, 02:17:25 PM »
After I responded to the "update and rant" post just now, it was brought to my attention that I seem to be holding onto a lot of anger. (someone is very perceptive!) It was also pointed out that I'm not a victim of my wife and I do have control over my life. I do agree with that and while victim may be a strong word, I do definitely feel like people with BPD seek out those who will best serve their needs for the time being. Then they move on.
Why am I so angry? I'm angry because I feel like I was deceived. I was manipulated. I'm mad at her but honestly, I'm also mad at
myself
for falling for that. I've never been one to want to "save" people. I've never been in a codependent relationship ever! So why did I fall for it?
She came into my life just at the time when I was getting over my divorce from a guy, figuring out that I was attracted to women, and looking for a connection with someone. She was open, accepting, caring, sweet, and she needed someone who accepted her as she was. So I threw everything into that relationship! I gave her the stability she never had. I promised to take care of her forever. I don't think I'm necessarily a victim, but I attached myself to this person because it seemed to meet my needs at the time. So I can't discount the entire relationship and think it was all for nothing. I definitely learned stuff about myself from this whole experience. But I'm still mad. Like I posted yesterday, I really really loved her - but now I know that wasn't the real her. So it's hard to be sad about a relationshhip I feel like was a total lie.
Logged
seeking balance
Retired Staff
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7146
Re: Thoughts on my anger
«
Reply #1 on:
August 06, 2014, 02:39:56 PM »
Quote from: ilovestrawberries on August 06, 2014, 02:17:25 PM
I do definitely feel like people with BPD seek out those who will best serve their needs for the time being. Then they move on.
Yes, BPD do look for someone to serve their needs - we all do in a relationship. The difference is their needs tend to change base on real or perceived emotional stimulus. As a partner,this is a task that only very, very solid people with a sense of self and boundaries can handle. Whether they leave or we leave, leaving tends to happen, thus we are on the leaving board.
Think of this - even T's who treat pwBPD using DBT have their own T for each patient... .sums it up, wouldn't you say?
Do they move on? Sometimes, not all. I find it helpful to deal with my anger/loss when I focused on facts rather than fall into my own black/white thinking. They don't all move on. Yours did as did mine, and that hurts.
Quote from: ilovestrawberries on August 06, 2014, 02:17:25 PM
Why am I so angry? I'm angry because I feel like I was deceived. I was manipulated. I'm mad at her but honestly, I'm also mad at
myself
for falling for that. I've never been one to want to "save" people. I've never been in a codependent relationship ever! So why did I fall for it?
Hon, be angry - do it until you are done, it is necessary.
You know why you fell for it - you were vulnerable and coming out - that simple. You needed that connection as it was answering a very core missing piece to yourself. She helped you with that, but in the meantime completely did not respect the coming out process. Fundamentally, this process is difficult - add a loaded relationship bond to it - hell yeah, you are going to be angry and hurt! She violated your trust about something so vulnerable - but you are not a victim. You are strong, stronger than you even realize right now.
Quote from: ilovestrawberries on August 06, 2014, 02:17:25 PM
I don't think I'm necessarily a victim, but I attached myself to this person because it seemed to meet my needs at the time. So I can't discount the entire relationship and think it was all for nothing. I definitely learned stuff about myself from this whole experience. But I'm still mad. Like I posted yesterday, I really really loved her - but now I know that wasn't the real her. So it's hard to be sad about a relationshhip I feel like was a total lie.
It was not a lie - she was not capable of mature love - hers was love, it looks very different than yours. And this is what I found so sad too. I loved totally, I meant the wedding vows - having that all taken away was embarrassing, shameful, pushed my failure buttons. I had no idea that I had put so much pressure on myself to be perfect that I settled for crazy because I wanted the security of someone who loved me for me.
There is a component to your story that has a lot more roots in coming out than even FOO or BPD. When we are masking a part of our core self and someone sees it, we will attach to that. Everyone wants to be seen and heard and loved for who they are. You ex, was not capable of that and you didn't know until it was too late. Please be kind to yourself as you grieve this loss.
As you navigate being OK with you - just you - you won't fall for these relationships.
Be angry - I think I posted to someone to "take a bath with that anger" - eventually, it gets exhausting being angry and we lean into the pain.
Keep posting, keep processing
Peace,
SB
Logged
Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
maternal
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 155
Re: Thoughts on my anger
«
Reply #2 on:
August 06, 2014, 06:21:17 PM »
I think most anger comes from hurt. Particularly when dealing with what we have. It's just a huge amount of hurt. And you're definitely not alone in having fallen for it.
Get mad. Feel it. Go through it. But don't hold on to it. Get to the hurt and deal with that, too.
Logged
Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 843
Re: Thoughts on my anger
«
Reply #3 on:
August 06, 2014, 08:59:41 PM »
My advice and humble opinion. Be angry. Be very angry. Lean into the anger and get more angry. Get it out, feel it, be one with it, appreciate it.
The emotion itself is neutral. It's how we react that determines benefit or destruction in the long run. But we need to feel our anger.
We need to process the lies, deception, infidelity, betrayal, abuse, manipulation, confabulation, broken promises, shattered dreams, injustice, lack of empathy, loss ... .and at least one of the people committing the above actions does not have the capacity to feel remorse and take responsibility for their actions. All they can do is project, forget, confabulate, and run away.
There is no justice in such a situation. And when there is abuse without justice, I feel anger.
So feel it through and through and respond in a constructive manner. Because we should feel anger. When we don't feel our anger, we do ourselves an injustice and deny our needs.
We can validate the anger on this board. We understand. We have gone through the disbelief and rage.
And there's nothing we can do wrt to our exes, because the person we look to help us does not have the capacity to help us, does not know how to take responsibility, does not know how to validate us, does not know how to provide us closure, ... .and does not know how to love as an adult.
So let's all feel the anger and do push-ups til we drop.
Logged
node4
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 56
Re: Thoughts on my anger
«
Reply #4 on:
August 07, 2014, 06:34:21 AM »
Truly epic fine sir epic... .
"We need to process the lies, deception, infidelity, betrayal, abuse, manipulation, confabulation, broken promises, shattered dreams, injustice, lack of empathy, loss ... .and at least one of the people committing the above actions does not have the capacity to feel remorse and take responsibility for their actions. All they can do is project, forget, confabulate, and run away.
There is no justice in such a situation. And when there is abuse without justice, I feel anger. "
Thank you for this sir... .thank you.
Logged
MommaBear
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 162
Re: Thoughts on my anger
«
Reply #5 on:
August 07, 2014, 06:39:58 AM »
Quote from: node4 on August 07, 2014, 06:34:21 AM
Truly epic fine sir epic... .
"We need to process the lies, deception, infidelity, betrayal, abuse, manipulation, confabulation, broken promises, shattered dreams, injustice, lack of empathy, loss ... .and at least one of the people committing the above actions does not have the capacity to feel remorse and take responsibility for their actions. All they can do is project, forget, confabulate, and run away.
There is no justice in such a situation. And when there is abuse without justice, I feel anger. "
Thank you for this sir... .thank you.
I second this. Needed to read it today. Thanks!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Thoughts on my anger
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...