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Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
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Topic: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice? (Read 610 times)
O.Hi
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Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
«
on:
August 06, 2014, 04:50:03 PM »
Hi guys,
I haven't posted in a long time. This forum was so helpful during the last stages of my relationship with 30 year old female BwBPD ex.
I broke up with her about 10 months ago. The first few times I saw her, we talked and it was disastrous. Since then I've gotten extremely anxious and ejected any time we are in the same place.
Next week I'll be at a good friend's wedding. We have lots of mutual friends that will all be there. She has a history of drinking pretty heavily and getting very emotional at big events like this.
I hate confrontation and still have constant nightmares about her. The chances of having any conversation that doesn't devolve into argument is reeeeeally low.
Has anyone gone through a situation like this without drama? What did you do? What should I expect?
Is it weird to ask my friend who is getting married if she is staying in the same hotel as I am?
Is totally avoiding her out of the question? Probably
In the past, it helped me to prepare for extreme worst case scenarios, because the relatively bad reality ended up not being as terrible. Anyone have any horror stories about similar situation?
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Aussie JJ
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
Posts: 865
Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
«
Reply #1 on:
August 06, 2014, 04:59:15 PM »
It isnt wrong I would make sure its a different hotel
Ask to be on the other side of the room at the reception
Do EVERYTHING you can to make sure their is LC, not for yourself but for your mates weeding. I would explain it to him that way.
It is a shocker as she will cause the problems and you will have to walk away to avoid the escalation/conflict.
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seeking balance
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Relationship status: divorced
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Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
«
Reply #2 on:
August 06, 2014, 05:13:23 PM »
The way to stay out of drama, is to stay out of it.
- Have a "wingman" that physically will navigate you out of her way. If she walks up - smile, nod, be polite - wingman takes you away.
- Be mindful of your own alcohol consumption - weddings tend to be a celebration and having you both drunk is not a good idea.
- IMHO, I wouldn't triangulate your friend at his wedding by asking where ex is staying. Honestly, if you are not mature enough to manage this, you shouldn't go. No need getting him any more stressed than he already will be this weekend.
- If she is drunk and makes a scene, walk away.
Nothing easy about this, but you do have control of you and you can remove yourself if you need to. Make sure you have a trusted friend (not a date, don't make it a jealousy thing) who helps you navigate this mindfully.
Good Luck!
SB
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
O.Hi
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Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
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Reply #3 on:
August 06, 2014, 05:47:37 PM »
All very helpful advice. Thanks guys!
I think the "Be mindful of your own alcohol consumption" is a particularly good idea.
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O.Hi
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Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
«
Reply #4 on:
August 06, 2014, 05:58:06 PM »
The main take away I'm getting from both of you is to remove myself from any bad situations.
"walk away to avoid the escalation/conflict"
"remove yourself if you need to"
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eagle755
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Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
«
Reply #5 on:
August 06, 2014, 06:07:43 PM »
Bring a date
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Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
«
Reply #6 on:
August 06, 2014, 06:11:26 PM »
Quote from: eagle755 on August 06, 2014, 06:07:43 PM
Bring a date
I wouldn't do that - why create drama unnecessarily?
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
eagle755
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Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
«
Reply #7 on:
August 06, 2014, 06:15:49 PM »
Well, if it would create drama then dont. I just know that once I had a new girlfriend. It was like a big forcefield was around me. My ex immediately didnt want to talk to me and made her keep her distance
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O.Hi
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Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
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Reply #8 on:
August 06, 2014, 06:17:43 PM »
Not an option anyway. I'm flying to the wedding. (Amazing) woman I'm seeing isn't coming (and is totally OK with it).
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Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
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Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
«
Reply #9 on:
August 06, 2014, 09:40:34 PM »
Be prepared for the worst. Wedding were a huge trigger for my ex gfwBPD. She would just go nuts. She wanted to be married in the worst way. Triggered abandonment issues, fear, and even worse in some ways because she wasn't the center of attention, the need to create drama.
My ex needed to be the center of attention. And at a wedding it's the bride. So all the weddings we went to were hell at some point or another.
So be prepared. Stay away. Be neutral. Be prepared to flee. Get plenty of wingmen to get in between and work as a buffer. Get plenty of wingwomen ready. Let them know the truth before it all hits the fan.
Am I being too dramatic? The consequences of her getting drunk and severely marring a wedding while honestly placing the blame on you is very real.
Scenario: She gets really drunk, gets triggered cuz she's not married, terrified that she's going to be alone the rest of her life, see's you and honestly believes it's your fault that she's traumatized and going to alone the rest of her life, and starts to scream that you were abusive to her. She's screaming that you beat her, that you raped her, that you controlled her and then abandoned her. She starts to throw beer bottles at you. She's screaming at the top of her lungs. And you know what... .
She believes it.
She absolutely believes it and absolutely feels that you deserve all the punishment that she can mete out to you. Moreover, everyone in the room can see she believes it to be the honest to God truth. So everyone is going to be looking at the sadistic psychopathic ex-boyfriend (you), who came to a wedding and triggered his poor innocent victim (her) into a deep level of catatonic and traumatic fear. You are such an as-hole!
It the above absolutely going to happen. Who knows! But Bat Sht Crazy IS as Bat Sht Crazy DOES!
And my ex in such a situation could do Bat Sht Crazy with the best of them. Especially at a Wedding.
One perspective, just look at how many false Restraining Orders are placed by exgf's with BPD. It's not a rational choice. It's what the Disorder says is the truth and necessary.
My advice, be afraid. Be very afraid. And respond to the fear with preparation and forethought so that in the moment you can react in a manner that does the least amount of damage.
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ScotisGone74
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Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
«
Reply #10 on:
August 06, 2014, 10:01:47 PM »
Advice to you
DO: pray before this event to whatever you believe in, smile, laugh, have a good time, avoid alcohol, have a trusted battle partner with you that could help block off any confrontation
DONTS: say a word to her or any close people to her in her circle, try to one up her, act sad or surprised by Anything she may do, also don't shy away or be scared about where she is or may be.
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Infared
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Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
«
Reply #11 on:
August 06, 2014, 10:38:42 PM »
If it was me, I would send a card and a gift and go somewhere really nice that spoils me.
You don't sound like you are ready, but I certainly don't know you or your capabilities. I know personally I could not have been in that environment at 10 months... .but I am very sensitive and very emotional... .everybody is different. I had nothing to prove at that point, and I just would have saved myself the pain. My ex would have been there going out of her way to be extra mean with her new hero. Going out of her way to hurt me. Just like a 5th grader. Every situation is different tho... .
I wish you strength and resolve.
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O.Hi
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Re: Seeing ex BwBPD at friends wedding next week. Any advice?
«
Reply #12 on:
August 06, 2014, 10:57:25 PM »
Yeah, this was the experience I had at the weddings we went to together:
Excerpt
Wedding were a huge trigger for my ex gfwBPD. She would just go nuts. She wanted to be married in the worst way. Triggered abandonment issues, fear, and even worse in some ways because she wasn't the center of attention, the need to create drama.
Thanks for the scared straight message. That's exactly what I was looking for. Only the paranoid survive.
FWIW, she does already have a reputation with all these people (as do I). She has flipped out and yelled at a lot of them.
Be Prepared
Don't get drunk
Be ready to exit
Friends as buffer
Be cool
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