I'm Back After Going Back Because And I'm Painted Black

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I haven't posted on here in quiet some time.  As you guess by my title, I went back into the relationship with my dBPDgf.  Or whatever it was.  Things went great for a while and was like old times.  And then we became too close and her abandonment fears kicked in.  And she started blaming me the past. "If you would have done this or that we wouldn't be in this place.  We would be married and living together by now." (she cheated on me)  On and on she went.  I have learned not to engage her when she gets like this.  The rage went from a phone call to texting.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I have done nothing but love her and I have shown her kindness through all of our relationship the best I could.  I sat there and looked at her raging texts and decided that I am not cut out for this.  I want a relationship where the past or wrongs are forgiven.  I want a relationship where love is given back on a consistent basis.  Not sporadically.  I am sad it didn't work out but I also know she couldn't give what I gave her.  I have blocked her every way possible.  And I am going to stay no contact come hell or high water.     

[WhoMe51]

I haven't posted on here in quiet some time.  As you guess by my title, I went back into the relationship with my dBPDgf.  Or whatever it was.  Things went great for a while and was like old times.  And then we became too close and her abandonment fears kicked in.  And she started blaming me the past. "If you would have done this or that we wouldn't be in this place.  We would be married and living together by now." (she cheated on me)  On and on she went.  I have learned not to engage her when she gets like this.  The rage went from a phone call to texting.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I have done nothing but love her and I have shown her kindness through all of our relationship the best I could.  I sat there and looked at her raging texts and decided that I am not cut out for this.  I want a relationship where the past or wrongs are forgiven.  I want a relationship where love is given back on a consistent basis.  Not sporadically.  I am sad it didn't work out but I also know she couldn't give what I gave her.  I have blocked her every way possible.  And I am going to stay no contact come hell or high water.     

[Narellan]

Good for you! And welcome back   many of us have been where you are, it often takes a few recycles before we reach the point you're now at. It's a very sad realisation when we finally come to see the real relationship after we've tried so damn hard to make it work. That effort is never reciprocated. And it hurts. It takes a lot of strength and courage to move on from a BPD relationship. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done. You are starting in the right place though by blocking all contact and coming here for support. You realise you deserve better treatment and this is not the life you want to lead. I admire your strength and determination. Stay strong and good things will come your way  

[Emelie Emelie]

Hi Who Me - Welcome back.  I "recycled" too.  So very much wish I hadn't.  It's so hard to come to the realization that no matter what you do it's just not enough.  You deserve a relationship where you're love is reciprocated on a consistent basis.  Ending this one is the first step towards that.  Blocking her is going to make her nuts.  Have you thought about what you're going to do when she finds a way to contact you? 

[willy45]

Yeah for you. And thanks for posting. This is a real mental illness and there is nothing you can do about it. Sucks and is really hard. I think accepting that is a good first step.

[WhoMe51]

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement.  It really helps to stay on course.  I am committed to getting through this, this time.  Last time I gave in to the pain of my withdrawal and I got the same results as before.  I am better than this.  And I deserve to be loved all the time.  I realized that I was needing her to feel good about myself.  And if I had someone that must mean that I was lovable or worthy.  But now I know I am just fine without anyone.  I miss the good times we had but those were just an illusion in my mind.  That's what kept me trapped. 

Emelie,

I am sure she will show up sometime.  I didn't even tell her I was blocking her from my phone.  I just did it.  I was so sick of hearing her blame and shame game that I just blocked her.  It has been a week since then and she hasn't tried contacting me.  I know she will.  My plan is to stand firm in my decision this time.  I am tired of the pain that comes with being recycled.  I thought we were doing ok. But it was just wishful thinking on my part.  I thought finally she gets it  that I love her and I'm not leaving her.  And then here came the raging and blaming and name calling.  You know the drill.  I realized at that moment that I don't need this abuse.  And this isn't the kind of love that I have always desired. 

[myself]

Sometimes we go back to make sure we're sure.

Now that you're sure, you can really move on.

Sounds like you're already on your way. Congratulations!

[Alex86]

Emelie,

I am sure she will show up sometime.  I didn't even tell her I was blocking her from my phone.  I just did it.  I was so sick of hearing her blame and shame game that I just blocked her.  It has been a week since then and she hasn't tried contacting me.  I know she will.  My plan is to stand firm in my decision this time.  I am tired of the pain that comes with being recycled.  I thought we were doing ok. But it was just wishful thinking on my part.  I thought finally she gets it  that I love her and I'm not leaving her.  And then here came the raging and blaming and name calling.  You know the drill.  I realized at that moment that I don't need this abuse.  And this isn't the kind of love that I have always desired. 

Thanks for sharing. I almost have been recycled this week. I have been painted white and all seemed so normal and beautiful. Though, I noticed some bad signs. I also thought she had changed but I now suspect she couldn't forget my "mistakes". I am also tired of arguing or competing about "love".

Thanks again for proving us once more that our hope for change is just only a hope.

[MommaBear]

Sometimes we go back to make sure we're sure.

Now that you're sure, you can really move on.

Sounds like you're already on your way. Congratulations!

Love this insight!

Yeah, sometimes we feel ashamed for having recycled, but if it helps you to be sure and gain some solid ground in terms of boundaries, then by all means, be glad you got that from the whole experience.

Hang in there. We're here for you! 

[WhoMe51]

I'm not ashamed this time for going back.  I have been in the past.  I thought I would give it one more try.  And I did.  It is so hard to walk away from someone you love.  I had to make sure I had done everything I could have to make it work.  I feel as if I have done all I can do.  I cannot do anymore to prove my love to her.  And I cannot take anymore of her abuse in which she calls "being honest and telling you how I feel."  I cannot hear one more "I can't forgive you or I don't trust but I love you speeches."  So this time I don't feel ashamed.  Do I miss her presence yes, do I miss her abuse and rages no.  A few moments of pleasure isn't worth the way I feel now. 

This is all started last week when my ex wife filed for custody of my 15 yr old son.  I have had him since he was 10.  She promised him a car and other luxuries that I was teaching him to work for.  So he took the bait and said he wanted to live with her now.  The state that we live in says that a 12yr old can decide where he/she wants to live.  And in this county the judge always rules in favor of the child no matter how good a father I have been to him according to my attorney.  I was heartbroken by this and I turned to my dBPDgf for comfort.  I forgot she doesn't know how to do that.  We have been together over 4 yrs and I forgot.  I have been there for her every little need and this one time I needed her comfort.  What I received wasn't comfort, but anger.  And that's when I said I've had it.  I can't do this anymore.  So now my son is going to live with his mom and I am alone.  I have a few friends, three brothers and work to keep me busy.  I will still get to see my son but not as much as before.  But I also know that I am going to be okay.  Through this experience that I have had with my ex dBPDgf, I have become stronger and more confident in myself.  And I have realized that I am a pretty good guy.  I have lots of love to give to the right person and next time I will choose wisely.  I am like a palm tree that can resist hurricanes and high winds.  I may bend a little, but when the storm is over, I will straighten up and be stronger than before.  I would like to encourage those that are here on this board to keep your head up.  We will get through this and be better on the other side.