Is it okay to just get out of the sandbox?

[verytired]

Is it okay (good strategy) to tell your raging BPDw that she will have to be angry by herself and walk away if she continues to call you every name in the book and punch you in the ribs repeatedly?

That's what I did because I could not take anymore. It had been a long and tense filled day even before the rage began so I was already exhausted and had to just walk away even though she had not burned off her anger yet.

I'm pretty sure I will pay in the morning.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry that your going through this. Rage is hurtful and painful when you don't know what triggered it. A perceived slight triggers our SO in a rage. It's also very confusing.

Rage is often the result of pent-up anger/fear that has not been dealt with... .often because it in directed toward "self" or a target that is feared.

When a "safe" external target comes along, no matter how tiny it can trigger the release, which is often out of proportion to the triggering event.

Often the rage is directed at loved ones as they are convenient, deeply affected (greatest satisfaction of release), and the most likely to be tempered with their response because they love the person.

If your safety is at risk call 911 - safety first. I'm sorry that you are getting punched in the ribs. If she is triggered she is not going to register any input from anyone. Get out and let her simmer down it will dissipate. Does she have a history with getting physically violent?

Here is an article that explains rage, where it comes from, why and how to deal with it. I hope it helps verytired.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Anger and Rage

[verytired]

Mutt,

Thanks for the reply and the links to the other posts.

It's the next day and it continues on though not as intensely. So far it's a day of blame, blame and more blame for all the things I do not do (or have not done). How I do not care about her feelings and how she is asking Heaven to take her home because she is "done" here.

It hurts greatly to see her feel this way. I have tried to let her know that I see how she is feeling without taking total responsibility for how she feels at the same time. It seems to anger her more if I do not take 100% of the blame.

It's going to be another long day I'm afraid. I'm just going to try to keep my head down. I work out of the home which makes it hard. My wife does not work so it's me and her here most of the time.

Again, thanks for being there.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry verytired and your welcome. I used to look forward to leaving the house and getting in the office to get 9 hours of peace. I would dread coming back home during her devaluation / dissociate phase. It's not to say that we didn't fight through e-mail and FB. It's tough and my heart goes out to you.  She's triggered if she is acting out like this and her blaming is because she can't cope with feelings of shame and guilt. She's projecting those feelings.

[LilHurt420]

I find leaving is the best thing to help myself... .but it always has it's own set of repercussions from the BPD.  Whenever I leave, walk away, go to sleep to avoid the rages or after just being completely worn out from what has been happening I always get blamed for not caring, being insensitive and running away from the issues.

That prolongs what is going on.

[Mutt]

I always get blamed for not caring, being insensitive and running away from the issues.

It's how she interprets and registers her reality - it is real to her. At the center of all of this is her "core abandonment wound" reliving trauma from the past in the here and now - you. It's not about you it's her trauma. It's scary and frustrating being the subject of that and you likely feel like you can't do anything right. It's a cycle of blame, anger, distortions and feeling like it's helpless  

Do you have the option to work in office with your job? A lot of places have people that work mobile but you can go in office when you choose, one day out of the week etc.

[HopefulDad]

Is it okay (good strategy) to tell your raging BPDw that she will have to be angry by herself and walk away if she continues to call you every name in the book and punch you in the ribs repeatedly?

That's what I did because I could not take anymore. It had been a long and tense filled day even before the rage began so I was already exhausted and had to just walk away even though she had not burned off her anger yet.

I'm pretty sure I will pay in the morning.

Not only is it okay, it is advised.  She's both verbally and physically abusing you which is not okay.  You telling her she'll have to be angry with herself by continuing, then walking away, was both setting and enforcing a boundary.

And yes, you will pay in the morning.  It's called an extinction burst.  Those bursts will continue as you continue to enforce boundaries.  Then one day she'll stop.  Sure, her underlying feelings may be boiling towards you, but she'll be smart enough to realize acting out on those feelings against your boundaries leads nowhere.

[verytired]

Regarding working at the office, I am self-employed. My office is in our home.  I'm a Web designer with VERY stiff competition in the area so I have to be competitively priced. I cannot afford to rent an office for just myself, my computer and a phone.

For almost 10 years, I was in outside sales for a mfg. company. I got tired of hotels and airports so I resigned to start my Web business. On days like this airports & hotels don't sound too bad after all.

My BPDw complains about not having enough money AND at the same time complains if I go after too many new projects that take up my time.

She's not talking to me right now and I'm sure she thinks I'm working but I hear footsteps and better go.