Day 4, NC

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

I'm on day 4 of NC with my BPD ex. Tonight's been a hard one of missing her though, and I'm finding myself composing emails in my head to her. :'(

[Turkish]

Hi kc sunshine,

Composng emails in your head is good, as you are letting your feelngs flow. It's a way of validating yourself.

I'm 5 months past my uBPDx moving out, yet I still find myself composing conversations in my head of what i'd really like to say to her. Maybe it's wrong, maybe it's right. Maybe it's just what I need to do to allow myself to feel. Our feelings are real, and I think allowing them to flow is healthy.

[eagle755]

I'm four months out, and two months nc. I don't think about composing anything, the thought of contacting her disgusts me.

Just accept what is and grow, its the best thing you can do

[Blimblam]

kc,

4 days is good.  I have the problem of getting like 4 days or a week or whatever and find myself needing to send her a message then I compose it and hesitate and end up sending it... .then it sets me back... .I understand the need to compose it... .Just try and do yourself a huge favor and write it some place without a send option!

The point that I actually write it I feel so good about it. It is the expecting validation upon actually sending it that ends up causing more pain.

do you best at no contact... I really think it is the best way.

[Lolster]

You could sit down and write the actual email if you could manage to save it to your Drafts folder?  Don't even put the recipients email address in when you start the email so you are not tempted to hit send.  Set yourself a goal of saving to Drafts for at least 24 hrs (more if possible) before reading. You'll find your thoughts on what you want to say will possibly shift day to day anyway.  You'll be surprised at a later date that you even considered sending some of the stuff you wrote.  I found some discarded emails I didn't send when I was sifting through an old email account, and believe it or not I could actually laugh at them myself so long after the split. 

[kc sunshine]

Thanks you all-- this was so helpful. I'll write the email (without a recipient) and then figure out if I want to send it. I'll also think about why I want to send it. It is the last day of her job tomorrow, and my impulse is to wish her good luck with the transition. But maybe I should just leave her (and myself) be, send her those good luck wishes in my mind, without the contact and stirring stuff up again.

[BacknthSaddle]

kc,

4 days is good.  I have the problem of getting like 4 days or a week or whatever and find myself needing to send her a message then I compose it and hesitate and end up sending it... .then it sets me back... .I understand the need to compose it... .Just try and do yourself a huge favor and write it some place without a send option!

The point that I actually write it I feel so good about it. It is the expecting validation upon actually sending it that ends up causing more pain.

do you best at no contact... I really think it is the best way.

I agree with Blimblam.  Composing is good, but don't compose it on a computer or smartphone by which you might actually send it.  You can write it on paper if you want, or just keep it in your head. 

I often compose messages in my head while in the shower.  This affords me a lot of time to compose very long messages, and invariably at some point I think "what is the point of telling her any of this?  She's never gotten it before and she won't now."  And then the urge is gone.

[kc sunshine]

Hi, Thanks so much for the shower tip, it was totally helpful. Here's what happened:

She called and texted me yesterday, before I sent the email. I texted her back (I had mixed feelings upon seeing her text-- happy, relieved, and anxious/worried that it would lead to more fighting, all wrapped up into one) and then didn't hear back from her until this morning (my inner thoughts: is she on a date/seeing someone-- already?) In her text this morning, she apologized for getting in touch and that she wanted to remain in NC after all. It felt like someone had triple-kicked me in the gut. I was going to write an email back about how much it hurt, but I took a shower instead and then just wrote okay, with a little joke to it. I felt better letting it go like that. I'm still checking my texts a lot to see if she has replied though. Arghhh... .

Back to day 1, NC. (or this is still day 0 and tomorrow will be day 1?)

[amigo]

It's ok kc, I am back to day one as well. Got a half-assed text and answered it. Now he is back to playing text games, as in, maybe or maybe not he wants to see me... .

Being on here, helps so much. Also I started a hand written journal. Take it with me everywhere. Yesterday I was soo tempted to send him a sappy, lovey text, instead I wrote it in my journal, texted a friend instead, and thought about what the most likely outcome of sending him the text would be: immediate relief of the anxiety and pain, but over time, more anxiety and pain. It's ok to keep checking your phone, the longer you stay NC, the less you feel compelled to look.

Hang in there, we are here for you. I so completely, utterly, totally understand what you are going through