Intro for this board..copied msg from new member board

[nvrgivup]

"Glad to be here.  Looking for support--(understatement) Im in very bad situation with soon to be ex who is alienating children (they are teens) from me, using baseless litigation (petitions for exclusive possession of home and pfa) to remove me from house... .great twist to this... .I am the mom! Everything im reading about BPD fits: Jekyll and Hyde, manipulation, gaslighting, flat out lies... .EVERYONE that knows us is also shocked.  He fooled us all.  I went through 14 months of marriage counseling and got nowhere.  Marriage counselor has indicated there is a major issue with my spouse but is now bound by confidentiality. The other very difficult aspect to my situation is that the younger teen has mild autism spectrum issues leading to an adversarial relationship between he and myself over the years.  This teen is now heavily siding with my husband who has never disciplined the child in any concrete way. My husbands main argument is that I am a detriment to the child, while he is now allowing for alcohol consumption, pot smoking, driving past license curfew of this teen who is only 17. I've been told it sounds like a bad TV movie but it is really happening and I have no idea how it got this bad. Any and all info/advice would be appreciated. I will also answer any questions anyone may have if clarification is needed. There are professionals in the mix here beyond the marriage counseling that is now ended but nothing seems to be helping. I don't want to lose my children but it is heavily leaning that way at this point in time."

Posted this on new member board and am reposting here on advice from moderator. Any help/advice regarding my situation would be appreciated.  If anyone has questions, I'd be happy to answer them. Thank-you.



 

[bravhart1]

Just wanted to say "welcome" and hang in there!

We are all dealing with the "out of body experience" that is having a BPD person in your life. It feels over-whelming so often I wonder how we will get through it. I have found many folks here on this board that have found a way out of this "crazy maze" and sometimes just having someone understand is all I need to get through the day.

Don't know if I can make your particular situation better, but know that we are all pulling for you and your children.

[Lolster]

"Glad to be here.  Looking for support--(understatement) Im in very bad situation with soon to be ex who is alienating children (they are teens) from me, using baseless litigation (petitions for exclusive possession of home and pfa) to remove me from house... .great twist to this... .I am the mom! Everything im reading about BPD fits: Jekyll and Hyde, manipulation, gaslighting, flat out lies... .EVERYONE that knows us is also shocked.  He fooled us all.  I went through 14 months of marriage counseling and got nowhere.  Marriage counselor has indicated there is a major issue with my spouse but is now bound by confidentiality. The other very difficult aspect to my situation is that I've been told it sounds like a bad TV movie but it is really happening and I have no idea how it got this bad. Any and all info/advice would be appreciated. I will also answer any questions anyone may have if clarification is needed. There are the younger teen has mild autism spectrum issues leading to an adversarial relationship between he and myself over the years.  This teen is now heavily siding with my husband who has never disciplined the child in any concrete way. My husbands main argument is that I am a detriment to the child, while he is now allowing for alcohol consumption, pot smoking, driving past license curfew of this teen who is only 17.professionals in the mix here beyond the marriage counseling that is now ended but nothing seems to be helping. I don't want to lose my children but it is heavily leaning that way at this point in time."

Posted this on new member board and am reposting here on advice from moderator. Any help/advice regarding my situation would be appreciated.  If anyone has questions, I'd be happy to answer them. Thank-you.

Just wanted to say  .  I can empathise with the complication with your son.  By the time my ASD son was 3yrs old (the age I broke up with his father) I had a toddler that punched/kicked me and copied phrases such as "nasty mummy" from his father.  It really does come down to them not being able to/wanting to enforce any boundaries.  It's like another form of projection, the disordered parent projects the childs issues on to the other parent.  It did complicate my sons diagnosis and he ended up having to spend a fair amount of time as an inpatient in a child mental health unit a few years later to unpick the issue/make a firm diagnosis because his father still had access and was using parental alienation tactics.  His father visited a very limited amount of times, and I made sure I stayed away when he visited.  Luckily the staff were able to confirm that ":)ad finds it very difficult to set/maintain safe boundaries." 

I don't know where you go from here, or who you get to validate your sanity in this matter but hopefully others who have been there will be able to advise.

It does seem to be the case that a disordered parent normalises the disordered childs behaviours.  I recently recycled a 6yr old relationship with a person I suspect of being BPD.  I met his daughter this time around, and wow, he was blind to his daughters difficulties and went overboard to mask and normalise her issues.  I did suspect that to be the case before I met them together due to things he'd said in telephone conversations.  E.g. he'd say he was going to think about getting her to bed, at midnight, a ten year old.  I questioned why on earth she wasn't already IN bed and his response was along the lines of him not wanting to send her to bed early as she is company for him (he can't stand his own company & has a sleep disorder).  From what I saw she definitely had a LOT of ASD traits, but he didn't see them due to his own issues and lack of boundaries. 

With your sons age there is probably not much you can do to 'save him' from his fathers input at this point, other than be there when things go wrong as a result of his fathers validation of inappropriate behaviours.

[ForeverDad]

If the youngest is 17, then you have a very short time to do anything with family court, after the children are adults - typically age 18 - and out of high school then family court probably considers the custody and parenting issues moot.

Typically, the best assessment outcomes when there are minor children are obtained with a Custody Evaluation, a custody evaluator (hopefully an experienced and perceptive professional) can administer psych testing for both parents, not sure about older minor children, though be forewarned that few are willing to make an official diagnosis.  It takes a few months (or more) and is expensive too.  In a divorce you can also ask for something trimmed down, a Psych Evaluation, generally just tests and interviews but again an official diagnosis may not be made.  Be aware that is one is requested then you both may have to submit to testing.  (No big deal for us, no one is perfect and so our issues won't be too concerning.  I recall mine was "Anxiety".  Hey, I could have told them that!)

About the attempt to force you out?  I wouldn't let his accusation stand without rebuttal.  You can't leave that unanswered and unopposed.  (Do you have documentation or proof such as recordings of his poor behaviors?)  Your lawyer should give you legal advice on good ways to counter his allegations.

Essential handbook:  Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  And it is inexpensive, found on either author's site and also sold online book sellers such as Amazon, etc!

However, this is a wake up call.  One parent does have to leave after a divorce - or the house has to be sold and both leave.  You stbEx is trying to force you out while your son is still a minor, barely.  Once your son turns 18 I suspect he'll have less leverage in the courts no matter what he claims.  Discuss with your lawyer what your long term goal is.  Stay, go or sell?  If you stay, he may get credited for half of any equity in the house.  If you go, then you get credited for half of any equity in the house.  (If neither of you have the money to pay the other the half-equity due, then likely the house must sell.)  In the final analysis, though, a house is a house, not a home.  Beware of having too much attachment to a building. Home is where you live, wherever that may be.

Your son is almost an adult.  If he continues driving after curfew, underage drinking, perhaps even driving while intoxicated, at some point he'll be stopped by the police, that is, if he doesn't first cause an accident, injuries or worse.  What do your local police say?  Do they want to stop your son when he's been drinking and driving, if he combines it, or the driving after curfew?  If so, then I'd recommend you help them out.  It sounds like your son (and his father) need a wake up call for the seriousness of it all.  They're certainly not listening to you, which sadly is typical with the disorder.

[livednlearned]

Coparenting with a Toxic Ex is a good book to help with alienation (although some of the advice is a bit on the light side if you're dealing with serious alienation. Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak is also good. Both have techniques that can help. A lot of us don't want to put the kids in the middle, but in high-conflict situations, that's not possible because the other parent does it without giving it a second thought. That means our tactics have to be different.

What other professionals are involved?

[nvrgivup]

I had posted last night in response to all replies but it did not actually post. It's not in my post history either, any ideas of why?

I can't recreate what I said except to say thank-you to all who had responded. It is very helpful to see in print some of the frustrating things I am experiencing at home such as the disordered spouse normalizing the ASD child's behaviors as well as it actually being part of BPD to not heed common sense warnings about things like driving curfews and substance abuse. I never understood what was going on with any of that.

In various ways we as a family have been receiving counseling over the last few years but no one explained that I might be dealing with a BPD spouse. I feel that if somehow I had known that, I might have responded differently, thus preventing a now pending divorce?

I do feel that I want to legally respond somehow to the baseless pfa of 2 weeks ago, and do have a good attorney, but his general assessment of my situation is "they are all crazy, get out and start over" and I can't bear the thought of leaving my children, although presently they are very much siding with Dad due to alienation. Im aware of someone needing to ultimately leave after divorce but I have been staying here now to stand up to the early hostile attempts to get me out... .petition for exclusive possession of the home and pfa. A counselor had advised me to not be scared away by those tactics and that psychologically, years from now, it will matter to my kids that I did not abandon them.