so clever

[camuse]

I'm very forgiving. All I ever wanted was for her to say, I'm sorry. Even if she thought she was right to rage, just to accept the ferocity of it had been unacceptable. Sometimes she scared herself with her own rage, and admitted it was out of control. At the end she admitted she massively overreacted. But she never ever said sorry. Ironically, she told me we could never have worked because I had never really apologized for things that happened early on. But I had. She just didn't hear it. She never heard or responded to my explanations or apologies. It made it impossible to close an argument. I don't think she wanted to close them - she piled them on top of one another, no apology, no forgiveness, until they crashed down on top of us, fatally.

The comment about me not really being sorry made me think, maybe I'm as bad as her. Maybe I should have apologised more clearly. I struggled with this guilt, but I was sorry for hurting her, even though I didn't really do anything. I changed my ways, I did apologise, but she didn't believe it -or didn't want to. She said "I know you wouldnt cheat physically but I know you would emotionally." Not sure what she really meant by that - all I wanted was to love her and be loved back. Hurting her was the last of my wishes

[Blimblam]

camuse,

I know how that feels I was stuck for the longest time wanting to be able to forgive her so badly and I still am.  Just wanting her to give a heartfelt apology backed up by actions and that took self reflection. I never got it and it is not coming. She would have to face her demons to do it. I have seen her do it before but she had to go through hell to find that part of herself it is buried deep with the abandoned terrified child.

You have to realize she projects a lot of her own insecurities and things she is ashamed about herself onto others.  so often we are defending that we are not like that or looking at ourself but really they are telling us about themselves. It is really not our fault they are mentally ill we did not cause it and it is not our responsibility. You feel like crap right? well that is how she feels about herself. it is a tragedy for them and the idea of an "us" and happily ever after.  The way they can rip you open though is an opportunity for growth only having your soul dragged down to hell can achieve.

[SpringInMyStep]

 [/quote]
Neurodiversity? Love it! I too was attracted to his intelligence and to what I thought was his emotional intelligence. [/quote]
Yeah, we had so many discussions about this and she almost had me convinced that mental illness isn't even a thing; our brains just all work differently! Hahahaha! And she seriously expects the rest of the world to accommodate her needs in this way. She'd expect friends to wipe an entire list of words out of their vocabularies, to not discuss certain topics (because, you know, they're "triggery". I cannot tell you how nice it is to be able to say whatever I want and watch any t.v. shows I want without worrying that she'll be triggered.

[pavilion]

The tv shows!... You have just reminded me that there were certain programmes that I would begin to watch only to turn my head to see him in tears saying his can't watch those types of shows. These were usually films or programmes which contained storylines or facts about mental illness. I was watching documentary about Karen Carpenter the other night and he asked "do you really want to watch this?".  In other words "I don't want to watch this". I need reminding of these times to keep me from preserving only the good memories.

[SpringInMyStep]

Wow, with us it got to the point where we couldn't watch any regular t.v. anymore. She'd only want to watch documentaries about horrible subjects, but we had to discontinue watching anything that talked about mental illness, rape, or disparaged prostitutes. It was crazy! She was constantly "triggered" and would turn off the t.v., then curl up in a ball under a blanket. Sometimes I had to get her a xanax. Then our entire day was ruined.

Ugh... .so glad I'm free. I'm watching ALL kinds of good stuff now. 

[camuse]

That's interesting. Mine could not watch anything scary like horror films but her reaction was exactly that of a child, starting to cry at the idea - hard to explain. Anything gory or frightening on TV would cause a sort of terrified reaction, really over the top. But at the same time she loved watching extremely violent pornography where the women were abused eg rape simulation.

I'm not she what that means, just seemed a very odd juxtaposition.

[SpringInMyStep]

It does seem odd. My wife's viewing preferences don't make sense either, but then again, a lot of her choices didn't make sense. For the past year or so, she was afraid of men, wouldn't take a cab by herself, wouldn't sit by men on the bus, had to trade places if we were in a restaurant and a guy sat too close to her, she's scared of cops and we had to go home if we were in public and she saw one.

Yet recently she's started dating guys. Once, she even went to a gay bathhouse (she's pre-op transgender so somehow convinced them to let her in, even though legally she's now a woman), but then when I got home from work that day, acted all ashamed, saying that one of her "personalities" made her do it against her will and that she had NO idea that consent was implied the moment you walked in the door. Such B.S.

Of course she had some convoluted explanation for me but I don't believe any of it. I believe she does what she wants and makes up reasons to justify anything to me. It was all just lies.

[SpringInMyStep]

I should clarify that we were polyamorous and could date other people.

[camuse]

I do wonder if mine was actually scared of men. She had a longish relationship with a woman and remained friends with her despite just deciding she was bored one day and leaving. She watched lesbian movies for the romance and sweetness. But every single relationship with a man had been violent (she said) and she only ever really wanted rough violent sex and loved watching clips of men having violent sex with women who seemed to be uncomfortable with it.

She liked her dad but seemed jealous of how well he treated her mother, who she hated.

Who knows what happened to her in those early years  Maybe even she doesnt know.

[SpringInMyStep]

Whoa, sounds like she definitely has issues surrounding sex. But then again, I'm sure they all do.

[camuse]

yeah. She identifies as bi but now I think she just is.nothing - anyone who fills the void will do. I'm not even sure.she likes sex, despite having had so much with so many (about 200). Sex is just a soother and tool. We had to do it every night and every morning which was great at first but after a while felt like pressure.

But back to the cleverness, she actually boasted to.me how easy she found it to manipulate people. She was proud of it.

She won arguments by remembering everything I'd ever said in the past, recalling.it then twisting it to deft what I was now.saying. I often found my head spinning in arguments. They were just crazy and impossible to win with logic.

[SpringInMyStep]

OH believe me I can relate to that! I have a horrible memory and she can remember everything we both said in past conversations! Then she twisted it to the point where I knew that was not right.

Today I noticed that she had put up a craigslist ad (yeah, I checked and could tell it was her) for someone to come give her a free massage in exchange for touching her body, but no sex. This is typical of her to try and use her body to get things for free, even though she has a trust fund. Clearly this isn't really about money.