The three hardest things for me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I woke up this morning and I had this great yearning to be in her arms.  This is one of the hardest things to overcome is the yearning sensation that I have for her.  Yearning for those special moments that we had.  The times she would hold me close, stroke my hair as we lay next to each other and she would ask me "do you know I love you?"  I would always reply yes I do.  I love you too.  And then usually the next day she would go into this devaluing phase and I couldn't tell she loved me.  It was so confusing.  It was like every time I let my guard down and opened up to her, this would happen.  It's also hard knowing what to do with myself. This is my weekend off and I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't want to sit here and wonder what she is doing or with who? My therapist says that I need to find myself again.  And the third thing that is hard for me, is I miss my son.  He went to live with his mother.  I figure he will be back though when he finds living with her will be different than just visiting her.  And then maybe not.  This has been a tough month.   

[WhoMe51]

I woke up this morning and I had this great yearning to be in her arms.  This is one of the hardest things to overcome is the yearning sensation that I have for her.  Yearning for those special moments that we had.  The times she would hold me close, stroke my hair as we lay next to each other and she would ask me "do you know I love you?"  I would always reply yes I do.  I love you too.  And then usually the next day she would go into this devaluing phase and I couldn't tell she loved me.  It was so confusing.  It was like every time I let my guard down and opened up to her, this would happen.  It's also hard knowing what to do with myself. This is my weekend off and I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't want to sit here and wonder what she is doing or with who? My therapist says that I need to find myself again.  And the third thing that is hard for me, is I miss my son.  He went to live with his mother.  I figure he will be back though when he finds living with her will be different than just visiting her.  And then maybe not.  This has been a tough month.   

[thereishope]

I'm sorry.   

I'm still in my r/s with uBPDh.  I can totally relate with the kind intimate moments followed shortly thereafter by cold, hard, devaluing moments.  It sucks.  I feel dead inside, but like I'm inside this life and I have to figure my way out of it.  I have never felt as close to anyone as I have to my uBPDh, but other people would ask me why in the world do I feel that way when he is cold and hard and cruel... .like we get blinded to the horrible truth of how we are really being treated... .Others can clearly state, "love ISN'T XYZ... .".(many many of the ways uBPDh acts is CLEARLY NOT LOVE to anyone else looking on from the outside... .but so hard to determine by me... .I'm trying to figure it all out and find my way to PEACE and REST... .

Just wanted to respond and say you're not alone, and you have come to a good place (these message boards) where you will find great advice, excellent tools, and wonderfully encouraging people.

I pray you feel strengthened in your resolve to have a happy, healthy, joyful life... .You WILL get there... .Stay strong!  God bless!

[Hope0807]

I experience many of things you wrote and so much more.  I feel your pain.  The toughest times for me are in the morning.  It's like my brain starts waking up and before I even open my eyes my brain starts playing a movie of random moments from my life with him and the memories of the tender moments (being in his arms, etc) are absolutely the toughest.  I force myself into reality checks with memories of the madness, chaos, and loss of my own sense of well-being in the relationship.  Life is short and with the help of this amazing online community I have found, I remind myself each day that I deserve so much more than the constant, draining sadness my relationship with my uBPDexH provided me.  7 years is a lot to get past, but at least it's not longer.  Rest in the present and future hopes & joys for you and your child.  They are abundant if you allow them to be discovered.  This journey is yours to embark upon.

[Caredverymuch]

I woke up this morning and I had this great yearning to be in her arms.  This is one of the hardest things to overcome is the yearning sensation that I have for her.  Yearning for those special moments that we had.  The times she would hold me close, stroke my hair as we lay next to each other and she would ask me "do you know I love you?"  I would always reply yes I do.  I love you too.  And then usually the next day she would go into this devaluing phase and I couldn't tell she loved me.  It was so confusing.  It was like every time I let my guard down and opened up to her, this would happen.  It's also hard knowing what to do with myself. This is my weekend off and I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't want to sit here and wonder what she is doing or with who? My therapist says that I need to find myself again.  And the third thing that is hard for me, is I miss my son.  He went to live with his mother.  I figure he will be back though when he finds living with her will be different than just visiting her.  And then maybe not.  This has been a tough month.   

Whome, I am sorry for your month. We have lived those months as well. I am also very sorry you miss your son. Such hard stuff 

Reading your post was so poignant and my heart felt it all. Yes, of course we know that very close (and very real) moment you describe of just being one together. In the most beautiful, loving way. Those words and those moments were so very real.

It is unfortunate and very painful to realize that the more we loved and the closer we got,  the more it triggered the disorder and resultant behaviors.

Such an incredibly hard concept to embrace, even now for me.

Waking up and falling asleep and only missing one person and wanting no other. Very real. I cried for a very long time in those moments.

You are amongst friends here.

[Hopeless777]

Yes the mornings are the worst. After waking up next to the same person for nearly 28 years, the mind plays tricks on you once you are done and apart. Just the worst time of day. Sometimes takes a few hours to get motivated to move. Very distressing. Someday I hope to be better.

[thereishope]

I experience many of things you wrote and so much more.  I feel your pain.  The toughest times for me are in the morning.  It's like my brain starts waking up and before I even open my eyes my brain starts playing a movie of random moments from my life with him and the memories of the tender moments (being in his arms, etc) are absolutely the toughest.  I force myself into reality checks with memories of the madness, chaos, and loss of my own sense of well-being in the relationship.  Life is short and with the help of this amazing online community I have found, I remind myself each day that I deserve so much more than the constant, draining sadness my relationship with my uBPDexH provided me.  7 years is a lot to get past, but at least it's not longer.  Rest in the present and future hopes & joys for you and your child.  They are abundant if you allow them to be discovered.  This journey is yours to embark upon.

I'm really scared to enter into the next step of feeling this pain... .reading these posts is making me cry thinking of missing the good stuff... .and I'm still here... ... ..but I've been feeling a different kind of pain here... .stifling the Holy Spirit and what I know to be true... .

[camuse]

So sorry WhoMe.

The nights and mornings are indeed the hardest. I feel the same, and knowing she is next to someone new saying the same things is upsetting.

Sometimes I want a hug, and I have a dog - I hug her, and remember my dog really does love me - she cares about how I feel. My ex cared only about how she felt.

I remember the words were not accurate - she didn't love me in the normal sense of the word. She loved what I could give her.

I remember that the new man, right now feeling so amazing and loved and enjoying the best sex of his life, in time will be tossed aside mercilessly just as I was. I feel sad for him.

I remember that I will recover in time, and that she will always be in turmoil. I remember I am able to love, to trigger intimacy, and will do so again with someone who can reciprocate, not devalue and flee.

Then I feel slightly violated that I allowed someone like that into my bed, my heart, my life. A parasite. A monster.

The pain will subside. Feel it, let it pass through. You feel it because you are normal and you grieve. You were discarded because you were special - you got close, triggered intimacy and triggered a disorder beyond your control.

Read these boards, post, think it all through. Eventually there will be no pain left to feel.

Thinking of you.