When did you realise something wasn't right with your ex?

[BlondeRunner]

Hi everyone 

I have to hold my hands up: I knew something was "up" with my dBPDexbf on our first date. I sat there smiling, laughing and nodding but inside my head a little voice was going "There's something not quite right here, Blondie and as sweet as he seems you probably shouldn't see this dude again... .". HONESTLY!

Actually, thinking about it, I felt something was off even before our first date: we met online and something didn't sit right with me just from our messages - he was extremely self-absorbed, barely asked me anything about myself, bragged about stuff I knew straight away wouldn't be true but was designed to make him look like Johnny BigBalls... .(I agreed to the date because my membership was expiring so I wanted my money's worth and I liked his pictures haha!)

My ex and I did have a great first date - he was charming, friendly and we got along brilliantly but straight away I noted: Way too intense He revealed far too much personal information to someone he had just met Liar liar pants on fire Emotionally immature Was jumping through hoops to seem much more successful than he actually was 

We have been split for 3 months now and I have coped remarkably well taking into account the usual BPD havoc. I think this is because to an extent I always had my guard up with him - I knew in my gut it just didn't add up and I tended to take his amazingly eloquent proclamations of love with a pinch of salt. 

When did you realise something wasn't right with your ex? Was it very early on or later on?

BlondeRunner x

[refusetosuccumb]

Good question.

Before we separated and I started soul searching and fixing myself, I would have said it was 9 yrs into our relationship, when my ex's grandfather died (his grandfather was his surrogate dad growing up, painful loss for him). 

But now that I look back with more honesty about myself, it was about a month into our relationship (16yrs total).  I moved him into a house I was sharing with 3 other girls (they all had their boyfriends there too, it was a big party house ).  He started telling me about how 1 girl in particular "had it out for him" and was "jealous of our love"  I remember having the conversation with him, asking him for specifics about what she did or said.  He couldn't identify a single instance, just a "gut feeling" he had.  I, of course, asked her about it and she said he made it up.  She didn't like him from the start (smart girl, in hindsight) but I was clouded by lust and figured it was her not liking him that made him feel off.  I justified it, just like I justified a whole lot of other instances that cropped up in time.

Oi vey.  If I could go back in time and run after that, I certainly would personally.  However, we made 2 wonderful children and despite their dad being like this, I wouldn't change my children for the world. 

[camuse]

I realised straight away the idealisation wasn't normal. Oh how I wish I'd listened to my gut   But I was desperate for love and the prize was too high to chance it. Oh what a price I paid for that.

[Caramel]

A couple of weeks after we started dating he came to me and said that he thought the relationship was not working. I was very sad and shocked to hear that. I said to him that we were just getting to know each other and maybe it was just too early to decide that. He did not accept. I said if that was what he wanted then that was OK. Then he raged at me and said "What? You mean that's it? We are done? That's not fair!"  

And then the fun game of push/pull began! We had a similar story every week.

[refusetosuccumb]

Curiously, mine didn't rage at me until after the kiddos were both born.  But I do know that I spent all my extra time and energy taking care of his needs before they came along.  Once he was no longer my centre of attention, let the raging begin.

I remember when our son was born.  I breastfed him.  Sometimes he'd nurse for hours and hours and ex would say things like "just take him off and let him cry I need you"  Then when our daughter was born, I"d be nursing her and our son would need attention.  So I'd be dealing with both and ex would pout and grudgingly help because I told him if he wanted my attention he needed to care for the kids first.

Ugh.  So many red flags, so few braincells of mine!  I'll never allow myself to be blinded by love again.

[camuse]

Mine said that two weeks in. I remember thinking OK let her go. She said shed never felt so insecure in a relationship. It was so out of the blue I was thrown and the push pull nightmare began. I should have let her walk.

[Ventus2ct]

Mine had slight red flags at first/second date but I knew something was def not right with her when she proclaimed that she wanted one of my barns moving 20ft to the left in order that she'd be able to see the farm house as she came up the drive, her sister has a drive you see! Comical isn't it looking back on it now, how stupidly idiotic was I!

I actually laugh about it now, others were that she contacted me 2 weeks just after splitting with her ex and 6 weeks later she was happy to have unprotected sex with me, non stop. What was I thinking…………... ! Although it takes 2 to Tango so I was guilty of this behavior too!.

[kc sunshine]

Hi, she told me that she struggled with depression on the first or second date, so that was one clue, even if it wasn't the whole story. Then she told me about her relationship with her exes and oh man  -- it included her being violent, and also super suspicious, and lots of drinking. Early on she told me she loved me "like a stalker."  . I thought she was only kidding though, but those words kinda haunted me ever after. The first time I noticed her big mood swings when we were together is when we were taking the kids roller skating and she got in a super bad mood, and roller skated alone of in the distance. There was something strange and hard about her, that I hadn't seen before . Those were the beginning signs, even before we started fighting. 

[camuse]

Maybe we should list the red flags.

I'm not sure how I didn't think more clearly, hang on - this person is not quite right in the head. It's scary that I could plough on despite it - how tragically desperate for love I must be

Relationships with people over 40 years older.

Sexual partners running into the HUNDREDS

Violent relationships.

Idealisation that didn't make sense (the second time we slept together, she said "I had forgotten how amazing your body is" - my body is not amazing! It's a normal slightly overweight body! I remember thinking, what? You've had hundred of men, and you think my body is amazing?)

Eating disorder

Sudden rages over small things

Drug addiction and rehab

Bisexuality - "I'm not sure if I want a boyfriend or a girlfriend"

Refusing to "put a label" on our relationship for a long time with her friends, insisting on being non-exclusive, but insisting I tell everyone

But who was really the sick one? 99% of guys would have run a mile. Hell, hundreds of guys had been there never to return! I must be truly sick.

[Mr Hollande]

The first major one was when she f**ked a guy in a toilet at a party we both attended. That was maybe 9 months in. Our relationship was long distance so things evolved at a slower pace. I dread to think how much sooner her madness will introduce itself to her current bf who lives in the same town.

[kc sunshine]

Comings to term with the idealization being a symptom, a  , is hard  :'(

I guess that what keeps me hooked, though, so it is important to do.

[hergestridge]

I realised right away that something was not right, but she was 16 years old and all my friends were dating "difficult" girls the same age so it was like normal for me.

The realisation that it was more than just teen crisis came gradually. Right from the very start she was so difficult that it was hard for me to maintain contact with friends, which was a major sacrifice.

When she was 22 she became obsessesive over a conflict she had with a teacher which became a bit on the "crazy" side.

The real problems started around the time she was 30 and got her first job (she kept going to classes and courses up until then). She ran into conflicts at all the workplaces and had multiple identity crises and wanted to be like the girls ten years her junior. She developed a zero tolerance to all form av demands and started to view me as "controling" (the truth was that I arranged 90% of my time according to her wishes).

After a really troubled period things started to cool down a little. She realized her big dream and we had a baby and we married. We moved out to a house in the country.

Two months after the baby was born all hell broke loose again and she began to confront me with "injustices" (slight things blown out of all proportion). When the baby was two she was painting me black and she was cheating on me. I still had theories like PMD because of the cyclic nature of the abuse I had to endure.

Last summer I just felt I had had enough. I just felt that my wife was really irritated, confrontational and would not leave me alone. I was trying to have make the vacation enjoyable for my daughter but my wife was making it hell. My ended up in psych ER because my wife was suicidal and the doctor there asked me (not my wife) if me and my daughter got any time on our own for relaxation. It was an eye opener, and it made me think. What does she mean. I googled a few key phrases and it lead me to BPD. I was convinced there and then, and just a few weeks ago an evaluation my wife undertook proved me right.

But now she's gone... .

[Caredverymuch]

A couple of weeks after we started dating he came to me and said that he thought the relationship was not working. I was very sad and shocked to hear that. I said to him that we were just getting to know each other and maybe it was just too early to decide that. He did not accept. I said if that was what he wanted then that was OK. Then he raged at me and said "What? You mean that's it? We are done? That's not fair!"  

And then the fun game of push/pull began! We had a similar story every week.

A bit the same. Intense come on early on a pull back saying he could not continue for varuios reasons to which I actually agreed to and said goodbye and no hard feelings. He contacted me two hours later saying he needed me. And just keep on from there.

Was possessive of my time always during idealization. If i was out w friends he would text me NON stop. Same if i was out with family. At events. To the point EVERYONE around me was noticing and getting slightly annoyed.

Told me way too much about his life early on. And was desperately frantic if he texted me and i did not answer right away.  Once i fell asleep missing his text. I woke a few hrs later and responded. It was the wee hours of the morning. He had been sitting up all night waiting and his response was truly frantic. Truly like he thought i was completely gone. Always said " i cant lose you" too.

Add red flags to almost every sentence above.  Yes I had the gut feeling this was a bit off but i was intoxicated by him at that point. Damn

[Hope0807]

After 7 years of the being in a high-speed blender, honestly, there were signs from the beginning that sent up  after  but he always seemed to smooth them over with dramatic efforts that at the time seemed quite sincere.  In hindsight I realize those intense efforts to push those red flags away were all a part of the game.  I had no idea.  Over the course of a few short months the "BPD" term came into my world and his private HUGE stash of illegal drugs was discovered - and a peek into his criminal behavior, drug addiction AND BPD was all thrust in my face.  I'm out…thankfully.  Glad to hear you are now aware of the    you missed and are better prepared for the days ahead.  Also glad to read you didn't marry this person.  I made that mistake.

[workinprogress]

I was a "lonely child" and I saw the red flags but overlooked them, because I loved how loved I felt.  She somehow hooked me.

Early red flags were her jealousy.

I recall us drinking at my apartment and she told me that she "lies, cheats, and steals."  I have seen since that BPD's will warn us early on.  That was my warning.

I remember her bragging about all the sexual encounters that she had and I thought, "just dump her."  Obviously I didn't listen to myself.

She told me about 3 weeks into dating that "I know that it's crazy, but I love you."

She would get mad at various times, too.  I recall once she picked me in her car from class and she gave me a candy bar.  After I ate it she became angry that I didn't offer to share it with her.  I was just some dumb college kid eating a candy bar.  I thought that she gave it to me to eat.

She would also snoop through my stuff and question me about everything.

Well, I must have been really lonely to have stayed with her, but I did.

[Blimblam]

I didn't realize until it was over and done with and I was on the verge of killing myself.  After a bunch of google searches started learning about cluster B disorders. I found out there was something wrong with her about 2 hours before I would have hung myself... .  The anxiety was so bad Even death seemed like a relief from that level of suffering. 

[Hopeless777]

27 year marriage. Signs something seriously wrong in year 7 when she had a "Jesus" encounter. Year 12 she had a mental breakdown but I stuck with her because of the kids, 16 and 12 at the time. Year 24, total BPD meltdown. Year 27 I'm gone! The signs were there from day 1: abusive family, teenage rape, premarital pregnancy, shotgun wedding, quick divorce, etc. But I was already hooked on the drug, and then became the caregiver, then the persecutor, now the victim. BUT I've taken my life back now!

[topknot]

Was so lured into it at a hugely vulnerable time,  I didn't get it then.  Now, I see -sleeping with clothes I forgot (stupid me thought that was sweet), and talking until ridiculous hours of the night. Insanity began about 1 am - that's when the masturbating to my voice started. Just thought he marched to the beat of a different drummer - HA!

[Pingo]

My first red flag was on date no. 5 when we were first intimate.  Afterwards while I was lying in his arms he told me he would never hurt me.  I thought that was so odd and never forgot it.  Things were so amazing and intense early on.  I met him at a very vulnerable time in my life and he was such a wonderful distraction from so many painful things I was going through.  The next red flag would be early jealousy and then reading my texts and getting enraged because he didn't like what a male friend had said to me (which was something totally innocent but he took it the wrong way).  I ended up giving up that friendship just to appease him.  There were so many more red flags all to do with jealousy and secrecy that I clearly saw yet ignored, hoping that things would work themselves out once he saw that I wasn't going to hurt him 'like all the other girls had'... .after 4 years still the same suspicion & jealousy, invading my privacy, reading my texts/fb messages, showing up unexpectedly, dropping innuendoes of things he was capable of to intimidate me, keep my anxiety up.  Wish I had listened to my gut on that fifth date! 

[myself]

The signs were there all along.

Trying to fit into my reality more than being comfortable in hers.

Then resenting me for having done so.

When did I decide to not be with her, if the harmful patterns remained?

When trying to fit into her reality more than being comfortable in my own.

Resenting her for having done so.

I knew right away there was something unique and incredible about her.

It took awhile (I resisted) for it to sink in that she was so disordered.

I'm gradually making peace with it. Accepting the acceptance of it.

[pavilion]

Great question. In hindsight there were loads of red flags which I ignored

All exes were evil apart from the one below

No friends

No contact with family

Ex hung herself

His children were reluctant to see him

The firsr time I saw his rage was over something that happened at work. I was shocked by his reaction to something so small.

When he moved in and one night I politely asked him to stop snoring I got the silent treatment the following day followed by a rant about how I should have asked him (please can you turn over)

Our first holiday with my children his jealousy surfaced and he was vile. On this occasion I actually wrote him a letter apologising for my behaviour!

The first time i noticed something was very wrong was when I calmly told him I found it difficult when he reprimanded my daughter over something (purely expressing my feelings). Big mistake! He began a barrage of hateful comments about my 10 year old daughter. "She's a nasty bully. You are too soft on her etc etc" I really thought he was a different person. The rage lasted 3 days before he began to re-word his rant "i felt bullied. You are too soft but I should have phrased it in a different way".

It has been therapeutic writing this down because I am only 3 days out of it!

[BlondeRunner]

Hi everyone  

It's been awesome reading your responses. I am surprised how many of our pwBPD didn't throw up   until fairly late on in relationships. Upon further reflection of "red flags" I remembered these two which I think have turned to be the most prophetic and SCARIEST!

Huge   1: At the end of our first date he gave me his really expensive watch which I had commented on. I thought "this guy has no idea who I am or even if I want to see him again and yet he is letting me walk off into the ether with his ££££ watch". I asked him why he was giving it to me... .he said "because now we have to see each other again". He didn't let me give it back for months! He used to say "No, keep it, keep it"! In fact, he currently has a stash of my stuff at his house and has ignored my requests to return it! I wonder if in the back of his head he has the same theory he had with his watch?

Huge   2: Now I actually find this next one very scary and so manipulative that I can't believe he felt it was ok to explain the reasoning behind it... .! On our first date it was clear that he was very attracted to me... .in fact I found it a little too intense. He was trying every trick in the book to basically get me to go back to his place and sleep with him. Unfortunately for him that is not my style at all and I was having none of it. This persisted for a while actually (I ended up not sleeping with him for two months which was driving the poor love crazy  ). Later on, I asked him why he was so persistent when I had made my stance very clear. He said "Well girls get attached to people they have sex with and I just knew I had to establish that emotional connection for you so you'd come back".

I actually find that incredibly scary!

[Crow Moon]

Later on, I asked him why he was so persistent when I had made my stance very clear. He said "Well girls get attached to people they have sex with and I just knew I had to establish that emotional connection for you so you'd come back".

I actually find that incredibly scary!

Wow, not jut you. I think there aren't many people who won't find that scary. Like a glimpse in to his mind.

As for the first  I noticed: In hindsight there were many I didn't recognize until later, as I was fairly inexperienced. The first I noticed was during our first relationship. I noticed how she couldn't be alone. Whenever I wasn't with her she tried to meet up with a friend, but when that wasn't possible she would flip out. I did think it was odd, but I didn't think of a disorder or anything as there are lots of people who feel uneasy when alone. Although, not as terrible as she did I guess. I did find it very strange how fast she was moving the relationship and it made me feel awkward. But I - and others around me - didn't start thinking of anything abnormal until she dumped me out of nowhere, when the day before everything was "perfect". I think my dad was the one who dropped the name BPD for the first time that day. Since we were so close for so long.

[AG]

This is a very good thread hmmm let me see ... .

1st- was her saying she rented off of a small family. Then later admitted that it was her father and his girlfriend that she lived with. I brushed this off as "Well I live by myself so maybe she is trying to impress me kinda understandable plus she admitted the truth.

2nd-red-flag was her raging inappropriately or behaving inappropriately not sure if it was rage and don't even remember the situation I just remember that I said "ok well what the hell just happened". She then admitted to being diagnosed with Major depression. That part evoked my sympathy as I had depression issues that I conquered years ago so I  thought "WOW this person needs love".

3rd- She kept commenting on how attractive I was and behaved ridiculously in bed meaning I know Im good but I was not putting in the effort to match the way she was behaving. I remember looking at her like cmon are you serious. As for the looks portion I was able to brush that off because I honestly am very attractive and most women are extremely receptive to it aka that is not out of the ordinary for me. Im not a model or the best out there but that is not out of the norm for me and put it this way if I go to a club or party 8 times out of 10 there is a woman who will approach me in some manner like clockwork.

4th- She was buying way too many gifts for my apartment or just myself in general and was even buying gifts for my cat. It was too the point where I was feeling uncomfortable and told her as such which sparks the 5th 

5th-  Was when she was raging here and there and because she had so called Major depression at the time to my knowledge I was trying to be understanding and comforting thinking shes just in pain. Anyhow she threw in my face all the gifts and I said honestly I really would prefer if she stopped with all the gifts and that I appreciate them but I am happy with just her presence and just want kind treatment instead and for her to show me love. Told her all I need is love and I dont need gifts. This was met with extreme rage and stating that I was an ungrateful son of a b___.

6th-red-flag I went to a Salsa party once with her which I didn't want to go to because I was not feeling well. She caught a fit about that and I ended up thinking "WOW jesus ok if its this important it must mean alot to her I'll just go". While I was at the party every guy that went up to dance with her while she was talking to me asked me if they could dance with her instead of one tall guy who just grabbed her hand and pulled her away in mid conversation. I was literally about to let my bronx side out on the spot but I controlled myself thinking "Your over reacting AG do not embarass her and be that guy". That ish pissed me off inside so much that I asked a coworker who was a female if I was thinking crazy and she said no you werent it seems weird like she probably slept with that guy and he was trying to disrespect you. She said I was right though to not react and make a scene but after that I was wishing for a do over in that scenario and approaching them both like. Saying to him What the heck was that about and also saying to her outright What the heck was that about. It pissed me off because I know damn well I have the balls to do something like that and not care if it ends in confrontation but it was at the beginning stages and I was trying to not be a party pooper and over react as I don't do things like that. However later on once things were bad that particular situation haunted me and played over in my head with me saying "How does this girl conduct herself in this environment where men would think it's ok to do something like that in front of me". SMH

[AG]

Screw that I forgot some more   

6th- Stories that her mom was not good to her aka abusing her.

7th-  A friend said to her one time that it's messed up her father charges her rent to live there. Meanwhile she was 27 years old at the time. She basically was trying to insinuate that her father was having her live there because he wanted her money only. Meanwhile she was living there because her mom said she can't take her non sense anymore and to see if her father would deal with it. She basically was telling me her father was stealing her money.

8th- Her ex was abusing her however the story of abuse kept changing or rather the method of abuse kept changing.

These were all lies as noone was abusing her but rather she was abusing her mom and she was abusing her ex and I even found out in the hospital from her sister that she basically was abusing her as well. You know what screw it here comes   9 and 10 just to make it even Steven

9th- I had a conversation with her best friend or should I say only real friend judging from the fact that only herself and me was there through her being in the hospital. I told her friend I do not know what to do with her as she is pushing every button I have and that I do not want to become the jealous type guy as I have never been. Her friend said word for word "Of course you don't your an Aquarius like me I  will tell you this she is going to piss you off that is just the way that it is so if you decide to stay you have to find a way to deal with it" I translated that convo that she was saying "You don't deserve this get the f out"

10th- I had a convo with her sister downstairs and she said quote on quote "Make sure you take care of the most important person which is you" aka get the f out.

[Tausk]

The      were too numerous to count.

And yes, it helps to know that we all have the same patterns.

But how does that knowledge help me to detach?  :)oes it mean all the fault is with my ex?  :)oes it mean that my ex is sick, and that I'm the one that is OK?

The people who date me will cite:

- obsessive about crzy ex after years apart

- so pathetic that his family and friends won't even listen to him talk about ex anymore.

- denial and unaware of FOO issues

- maladaptive schemas

- can't change

- self centered

- altruistic/closet narcissist

- reads messages on boards written by BPD's when he says he's not BPD

 - filled with shame

- lack of self esteem

- is a billion times better at complaining about others than fixing himself.

- blames long ago ex for problems today and plays vicitm

 - won't get deeply into therapy

- ruminates over and over and over and thinks it's others people fault

- is angry all the time because it was someone else's fault

- still live in fantasy world about bat sht crazy ex

- has never lived up to potential

- has mommy/daddy issues

- prone to bouts of depression

- can't depersonalize an interaction with a severely mentally ill person

- LIVES THROUGH A FALSE SENSE OF SELF

- ... .

It's good for me to know that I'm not alone.  It's good for me to see the  's for self awareness.  

It's good to understand that it's a part of the pattern of interaction with the Disorder.

But, The above only matters if I can turn it around and use the information to help me look at myself.

[Crow Moon]

I just remembered. I did once recognize a big long before our first relationship. It was when we were working on a project together and in the evaluation she was praising herself by putting another group member and me down, destroying us. When confronted she didn't think she did anything wrong. At that moment narcissism went through my head. Big . The fact she was blatantly lying about everything just added to it. Praising herself was based on a lie as well as how she was putting us down.

[Crow Moon]

I feel like spamming  , but the emotional rollercoaster she was struck me as a as well. She could be so down on one moment almost wanting to kill herself and the next day she'd be as "happy" as can be.

This topic is very therapeutic, haha. Never thought about how early on I saw signs.

[hurting300]

She got in my car at NIGHT time the very first time we met. Then proceeded to tell me how she was raped two times. She told me she couldn't be friends with girls only guys then said she never said that. Well she did . It's in text. Her actions NEVER matched her words 

[AG]

The      were too numerous to count.

And yes, it helps to know that we all have the same patterns.

But how does that knowledge help me to detach?  :)oes it mean all the fault is with my ex?  :)oes it mean that my ex is sick, and that I'm the one that is OK?

The people who date me will cite:

- obsessive about crzy ex after years apart

- so pathetic that his family and friends won't even listen to him talk about ex anymore.

- denial and unaware of FOO issues

- maladaptive schemas

- can't change

- self centered

- altruistic/closet narcissist

- reads messages on boards written by BPD's when he says he's not BPD

 - filled with shame

- lack of self esteem

- is a billion times better at complaining about others than fixing himself.

- blames long ago ex for problems today and plays vicitm

 - won't get deeply into therapy

- ruminates over and over and over and thinks it's others people fault

- is angry all the time because it was someone else's fault

- still live in fantasy world about bat sht crazy ex

- has never lived up to potential

- has mommy/daddy issues

- prone to bouts of depression

- can't depersonalize an interaction with a severely mentally ill person

- LIVES THROUGH A FALSE SENSE OF SELF

- ... .

It's good for me to know that I'm not alone.  It's good for me to see the  's for self awareness.  

It's good to understand that it's a part of the pattern of interaction with the Disorder.

But, The above only matters if I can turn it around and use the information to help me look at myself.

That is a really good way of flipping it. You should start another thread with that. You got me thinking