When did you realise something wasn't right with your ex?

[Conundrum]

The first date. Arrive at her door (me wondering if she's truly legal), unlaced bustier, tartan throw approximating a skirt, held fast w large safety pin, odor of alcohol emanating from her pores. Five minutes after reaching destination, randomly accuses some innocent of stealing her cell phone. Later, return to her place, she exits my vehicle, face plants on the asphalt. I carry her up, deposit her on the couch, smooth her hair, she starts mumbling various guy's names--cover her in a blanket, a few light kisses, hear her mumble, "what's up with this carebear shiittt." Gone baby gone... .       

[patientandclear]

WOW Conundrum.  Why was there a second date?  Were you on a rescue mission perchance?

Mine: there were other things I should have noticed.  But the one I can't really forgive myself for overlooking was when I fell asleep and missed responding to a text from him till the morning.  When I answered, he said he had thought I decided to leave him because I'd found out something about his reputation with women.

Did I ask "ah, what reputation would that be?"

No I did not.  I assured him that nothing anyone could tell me, no judgment anyone else had reached, could change the way I felt about him now that I knew him.

[Conundrum]

WOW Conundrum.  Why was there a second date?  Were you on a rescue mission perchance?

In retrospect--she was young, beautiful, smoking hot and I knew it'd be exciting. After coming out of a divorce I wanted that. After we persisted a while, the reclamation project commenced.     

[jackhzrd]

WOW Conundrum.  Why was there a second date?  Were you on a rescue mission perchance?

In retrospect--she was young, beautiful, smoking hot and I knew it'd be exciting. After coming out of a divorce I wanted that. After we persisted a while, the reclamation project commenced.     

Exactly what happened to me! The bad part is, she is sssmoking hot like Scarlett Johanssen and I'm a total scrub. I always wondered what she 'saw' in me but I told myself she's just really genuine and doesn't care about looks. Whatever, a year ago she tore me to shreds and I'm still deep in recovery.

The red flags were there from the first date, there were red flags everywhere all the time, but when a scrub is walking into the club with Scarlett by his side, it made the scrub feel really special and 'cool'. And the sex was just the bomb for the fist 3-4 months and then it just starts to fizzle away, pretty much at the same time when the 'hate' starts to move in.

She really destroyed me, and I think it'll take a good few more years for me to finally let it all go. But when you're born a scrub, life has always pretty much sucked anyway, so it's just business as usual I guess. =(

[nolisan]

Someone else mentioned that the moments we get that "something ain't right feeling" it is a RED FLAG. For me these were a Gut Feeling felt in my body - I didn't have the awareness to really sit up and take notice. I felt them but suppressed them because I "needed" her love.

That is a huge gift I got from the BPD r/s: LISTEN TO MY BODY. It has deeper wisdom than my head (or genitals).

I think the first one I got was when I posted on Facebook that I was in a relationship ... .she freaked, went off on me and put a time out on the r/s. That hit me like a brick - abandoned before we even got started. It made me think maybe it wasn't going to be a good thing.

Then there was an event at Xmas where she went off on me - when I got home I power puked (a body reaction). I listened to that one and ended the r/s ... .until she "love bombed" me a week later and it was on again.

So I'm now aware of my body - thank you exBPDgf.

[Turkish]

First time I spotted her across a room. She was sitting conspicuously apart from the group (social anxiety), and looked like she didn't trust people. Foolish me, I am (was?) attracted to such women. A mystery to be solved... .a pain to be soothed.

She started push-pull on the first date.

[Loveofhislife]

"No I did not.  I assured him that nothing anyone could tell me, no judgment anyone else had reached, could change the way I felt about him now that I knew him."

WOW--this could be my quote (above); on my second date my BPD waif showed up over an hour late (in his own neighborhood), lost? He handed me a binder full of legal filings and tells me he was living in a halfway house after spending 28 months in federal prison? But I told him no judgement--people make mistakes--I've known plenty of people who should have gone to prison.

Talk about RED FLAGS! Run, Lovey, run! But no, I would help him and support him and love him unconditionally until he repeated all the same felonious games on me. In some bizarre way, I think he was trying to warn me. All of us have vulnerability in common when we met these pwBPD. They sense that; they smell it--I do believe they are predatory.

[woofhound]

Immediately... .well... .within the first few weeks. Too good to be true on the first day. Ignored the  red flags 

[camuse]

Someone else mentioned that the moments we get that "something ain't right feeling" it is a RED FLAG. For me these were a Gut Feeling felt in my body - I didn't have the awareness to really sit up and take notice. I felt them but suppressed them because I "needed" her love.

That is a huge gift I got from the BPD r/s: LISTEN TO MY BODY. It has deeper wisdom than my head (or genitals).

Yes. I consciously thought "something isnt right. but I dont know what it is. everything seems amazing, but something just feels wrong about this". I rememebr thinking it, several times. There was just something about the way she interacted with me that felt like she was seeing someone other than me in front of her. I'd never experienced it before so couldnt define or interpret it. Now I understand it much better - I could sense the mirroring without knowing its name.

I didnt listen to that gut feeling though.

[camuse]

I first met mine briefly when I was in a short relationship with (another!) very controlling woman. She mocked me and said I shouldn't put up with such nonsense. I thought, she is right. I ended that one quickly, sensibly, and she targeted me immediately once I was single. At first she sympathised a lot with what I'd been through with the previous woman, and said I should never have put up with such behaviour. A man shouldn't let a woman control him, if he does he is weak! She even drew a cartoon of a man being whipped by a woman! Now fast forward a few weeks, and she was controlling me in exactly the same way, but 100x worse  She discovered my weakness - allowing myself to be controlled to some extent by my previous partner, validated me with her fake sympathy, then targeted that weakness without mercy, knowing I would crumble.

[elessar]

I should have realized when she came back after disappearing for four years. She came back by messaging me on FB by acting as if she is a coworker of my ex. She role-played this gig for a month where she, as the "coworker", wanted me to contact and meet my ex. I completely refused for a month, then she "left" saying "my job here is done", and the next day messaged me from her own profile saying "my coworker said I should contact you". She confessed this to me 3 months later, although I had a big doubt it was her all along.

But when I really thought there is something wrong with her, and not just her acting out coz of her abusive family or past sexual abuse was when in late 2011 she wanted me to take her on a date. No matter what place I suggested, she said she can't be in that part of town and be seen with me by someone who might know her family. Basically, she never wanted to be seen with me in public by known people. So when I suggested a motel, she first said no... .then I said ok your choice tell me what to do, then she said motel is fine. Next day while driving her she asked where are we going, and when I said "motel"... .she started raging how she had explicitly said No to it. That I am just like her uncles who wants to take her to a room. And for months she held on to the story that she said No to motel. That's why I started googling that my girlfriend lives in alternate reality.

[kc sunshine]

A red flag flag in the "clinger" stage was when she said "what if I just moved into your house when you were gone?"

[camuse]

Amazing that we don't run away when we see these    s!

Mine hit me once in front of a friend in anger, because i was talking to a female friend of hers. When I pulled her up on it later, she said "But YOU hit ME!"

Another night she was out with a friend, and the friend called to tell me my uBPDgf had spent the whole night going on about somr girl she was convinced was after me. The next day my gf said it was my friend who had been going on about it! I told my friend, who was totally shocked - I knew my friend wasnt lying.

Lie after lie after lie. It was all lies. But I think she didnt even know she was lying - reality to her was whatever she decided it was.

[elessar]

The most BPD trait I have come across - lies and lies and lies and lies. A life built on lies!

As @Camuse said, sometimes they don't know they are lying... .its their reality. And sometimes they do it purposely.

You know how we learn about the honeymoon phase? The second time I met her after her 4 year disappearance, she made me spend the night at her hospital's oncall bedroom for doctors. Sex all night and shower together in the morning. Her words were "its like we are already in a honeymoon". 4 weeks later we went on an out of town trip, and all these years later its still the most magical 24 hours of my life. she said "this trip is like a honeymoon. we should do this on our first marriage anniversary". a week later was valentine's day, and her first rage happened that evening and I was shocked beyond my mind. I had never experienced anyone screaming like that and making accusations like that. 3.5 years later still feels like yesterday.

[Lion Fire]

I knew something was wrong shortly after I met her. She pursued me for 2 years before I committed to her. I put my reluctance to be with her down to my own intimacy and avoidance issues but now I know it was my gut telling be to beware of the danger. She brainwashed me with dreams, hopes and adulation and my fragile self worth eventually bought the fantasy.

I could give a list of red flags a mile long.

I knew deep down she was bad news but I ignored my intuition and eventually surrendered to her love bombardment offensive that lasted two full years.

Once she had me in her zone, she picked me apart like a prize fighter until I fled from the ring beaten and beleaguered.

She is one person I wish I'd never laid my eyes on.

[Blimblam]

so everyone knew there was something wrong with their ex from the get go but me?

damn, I need a friend to show my prospects to in the future to then.

[camuse]

Now she's gone, turns out all my friends realised she was bulimic. I never did. I can't work out why. Maybe she only purged when I wasn't there?

She admitted it right at the end. But I never had a clue.

I knew she'd been anorexic in the past, but she never told me. She said it was because she didn't want me monitoring her.

Maybe she felt abandoned when I wasn't there and vomitted, that's why friends realised and I did not?

Feel pretty stupid.

[elessar]

blimblam,

i knew mine from high school days. so i definitely didn't have any red flags for 6 years when i casually knew her and we were friends, before being more closer and dating for a year. it wasn't until she came back after a 4 year disappearance that i saw    and ignored them like an idiot  

within 2 months of her coming back, EVERYONE in my life warned me she is emotionally unstable and she will leave me. nearly 4 years later, EVERYONE was proven right for maybe 25 times. you can borrow my friends' detector in the future 

[hergestridge]

I put my reluctance to be with her down to my own intimacy and avoidance issues but now I know it was my gut telling be to beware of the danger.

My wife always wanted to have kids. I eventually gave in but I managed to pospone this for many years. The reason for this was this very same gut feeling you describe... ."beware of the danger".

I *knew* (and I was proven right) that she would not handle parenthood very well and that she was going to blame me for for it (I was right on both accounts).

But what did I do? I made up some nonsense about how I didn't think I would be a good father, how I had childhood trauma and that I "wasn't ready".

Everything to protect her from blame and me from her rage.

I knew all along how wrong my xwife was inside, but I did not admit it even to myself. But when I was preassured the insight was there for sure.