At a crossroads

[redman]

My story is similar to many, with some differences.  I met my BPDw 9 years ago when she was 19 years old.  I knew that she had a history with self harm (2 years before I met her) and depression. A couple of years later I learned about her eating disorder.  I thought that the depression was manageable and eating disorders are treatable, so I stayed in the relationship. She was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist.  We had a wonderful relationship.  She was the most caring woman I had ever met, not just towards me, but to everyone. She worked with autistic children and was becoming a nurse with the hopes of working at the children's hospital.  Everyone loved her.  To this day she we have never had a heated argument and she has never said a mean thing about me at any point.  This is how I see her differing from many BPD sufferers.  Her emotional abuse has now come in a different form.

After 5 years we got married.  Things still appeared to be very manageable and we were very happy together.  After a long honeymoon trip, she immediately sought intensive treatment for her eating disorder, which was cut short because of suicidal ideation.  After that there was therapy and outpatient treatment, but no significant improvement.  Around that time she told me about the recent diagnosis of BPD and she began some DBT therapy. Last summer everything fell apart.  She was hospitalized for two months and a month after discharge had a suicide attempt that was as close as they come.  She was again hospitalized and had two more attempts while in hospital.  I visited her constantly, often holding her for hours.

After that discharge I was forced to monitor her constantly and keep her meds hidden, only giving her a week's supply at a time, or less.  To no surprise, this was an awful situation in which she felt smothered and she decided that she needed time on her own.  :)espite being very uncomfortable with the idea, I had no choice, so I agreed to a temporary separation during which we would be monogamous.  We also planned to meet with the family therapist at least monthly and see each other for dates.  She really struggled for the first month or two, turning to alcohol, which was out of character.  She also had several hospital visits.  After that, contact dropped off dramatically and she did not want to see me.  I was suspicious that she was seeing someone, but she denied it and I had no evidence.  Six and a half months into the separation, I caught her cheating.  She had been involved with another man for almost 4 months.  I also discovered that there was another man before that that she was intimate with a few times, also during the separation.  My immediate reaction was to end the marriage as she knew that this was a deal breaker for me.

We met with the T and I was convinced to give it some time before making a decision.  It has only been six days since I discovered the infidelity.  She has told me that she will do whatever it takes to save the marriage as she could never live with herself if she didn't do everything she could to repair the damage.  She said she would see the T weekly with me, I could monitor the phone bills, see who she was with at all times, anything that would allow me to trust her again.  I then told her that I was not ready to leave, but that there were no guarantees.  I instructed her to cut all contact with the man she was seeing as it was totally unacceptable.  She went to his place to end it (she should have done it quickly and in public) and she was there for several hours.  I called and texted her to see where she was and she told me she was explaining the situation to him and "trying to say goodbye".  I replied that it was disturbing that she said "trying" and that it was taking so long and asked if she was having doubts.  Her next response was that she was going to the hospital where she has now been for almost 48 hours.

My options seem to be:

1) end the relationship now, get a separation agreement, and file for divorce once I can (a year after separation where we live)

2) immediately try to make things work, but between the infidelity and her state of mind I don't see this succeeding

3) make the separation into a true separation and tell her that I will meet with her in three or four months to see if reconciliation is possible before filing for divorce.  I would tell her that she has that time to show me why I should continue the marriage, both with the infidelity and with treatment progress.  I see this as having a small chance of succeeding. At least it would create more distance to make the divorce easier on both of us. This is the option I am leaning towards.

I would love to hear any input about these options, or others that I'm not thinking of.

[Matt]

Redman,

As I was reading your post, I kept fearing that you would say, "And then she got pregnant."  I'm very glad that didn't happen, and my first suggestion to you would be to make sure it doesn't happen in the future:  take personal responsibility for birth control and never assume she has taken care of it, even if she says she does.

My girlfriend lied to me about birth control, and got pregnant, and then I had fewer options.  It happens pretty often - lots of men here have had that experience.  In your case it would change things a lot and the child would be at high risk.

Beyond that, I would suggest you get a good amount of distance from her - physical distance and emotional distance - and take care of yourself.  If you aren't ready to decide about divorce, that's OK;  the longer you focus on your own physical and emotional health, and spend time doing stuff by yourself and with others, the more perspective you will get on the relationship.  And if your wife is getting healthier, great, and you can consider what kind of future you might have together.  Or if she is continuing to struggle, you'll be better able to make decisions wisely when you have lived separate from her for some time.

[ForeverDad]

Think about the deal she was offering, that you could monitor her locations, calls, etc.  (However, there are many ways she could get around your monitoring, new email accounts, a second phone, etc.)  But the most important factor... . Do you really want to be The Monitor of her behaviors?  That does not foster trust and it would not obtain and maintain an equal relationship basis.

You are right, for many infidelity - and i your case not just once but a clear pattern over time - is a Deal Breaker.  Unless you choose to forgive and resume the marriage.  Even most religions recognize that.  But consider the factors.  Odds are her need for distance and seeking out other men will happen again and again, sooner rather than later.  She may promise but it would be a promise difficult for her to keep.

She has many issues, certainly more than you bargained for.  It is your choice but be aware that you can't fix her, only she can do that for herself and even that would take professional guidance over a long period of time.  Knowing you can't fix her, do you want to support her in her recurring issues that very well many never stop - without harming yourself?

Ignoring for a moment the disease risks of infidelity, Matt is right, don't risk a pregnancy if you do get back together.  While children are wonderful blessings, having children doesn't fix problems, it only makes the problems vastly more complicated, even trigger worse behaviors even more difficult to deal with.

As for the separation/divorce process, weren't you already separated for several months?  Wouldn't the date of separation start from when she first left, not now?

Edit:  I doubt anyone here would suggest you resume the marriage.  At most, maybe on hold while you figure things out.  (Perhaps the separation period waiting for the divorce can be used to see if/how she recovers?)  An almost universal observation here is that unless the person gets into intensive long term therapy with an experienced professional, applies it diligently in his/her thinking, behaviors and entire life and makes substantial progress over a long period of time then your past history will repeat itself.  Don't expect to be the rare exception.

[david]

First and most important, you do not want to bring a child into this.

Your third choice of separation and waiting three or four months is probably a good strategic move. She will probaly not change but it gives you the time to get all financial things in order. No joint credit cards, bank accounts, etc. Is there a house involved and whose name is on the title ? Are there any other joint assets. These are all legal matters that need to be done in the proper manner. An attorney would be good to make sure you are doing everything proper according to the law.

[redman]

Thanks for all of the feedback.  Regarding pregnancy, there is no chance of this happening even if we were intimate again.  Knowing that her health was not good enough for a pregnancy, her/us not being ready for a child, I have been extremely cautious.  When looking for positives, no children in this situation would be at the top of the list.

As for finances, no concerns there either.  I have control of virtually everything and her credit limit is of no concern.  She has been concerned about her finances since she hasn't been able to work much and has been paying for her therapy and DBT. She has her own bank account, from inheritance, that has been declining steadily.  I told her that if things don't work out between us that she'll get enough money to last several years.  She actually teared up and said that she didn't want to take something that wasn't hers.  I consulted a lawyer at the beginning of the separation as a precaution.

I should note that there was no infidelity whatsoever in the 8 years prior our separation.  I know some may be skeptical, but I am certain.  She had struggled for so many years, but always used purging and on a few occasions cutting, to cope.  Everything fell apart about 15 months ago and she changed.  With this altered person, came new behaviors.  I don't know if it's from the condition worsening, or from the cocktail of drugs that she's been on since then, but I've given up trying to isolate a cause or trying to fix it.  She is ultimately responsible for her behavior.  I have read on these forums how BPD sufferers have a very out-of-sight, out-of-mind way of looking at things and this was our first separation.  Our supposedly monogamous separation evolved for her a few months in and she did not have the courage to tell me.  She knew that I would not go along with it, so she made the wrong decision by hiding it from me.  I have told her that the deception itself is greatly disturbing.

As ForeverDad mentioned, monitoring her all the time is ridiculous and I have no interest in doing so.  Trust is either rebuilt or it isn't.  Staying in a situation where I cannot trust her will not work for me.  She would have a long road in this respect and I do not know if she is up to it.

I have been seeing the T myself and she always tells me, as some of you have, to focus on myself.  I have been doing very well with that and am now focused on what I want the rest of my life to look like rather than focusing on my wife and her troubles.  I will be ok if we end the marriage.  That being said, we are going to work together with the T to see if there is a possibility of rebuilding over time.  Our first 8 years were free of conflict, free of infidelity, but there were struggles.  Returning to that is possible, but I would have to see tremendous progress, and even then I may not be able to get past the infidelity.  I don't even see myself wanting to be intimate with her anytime soon. I can forgive, but that does not necessarily mean continuing the marriage.  The situation saddens me greatly, because my wife is such a wonderful person.  She desperately wants to get better. 

[redman]

ForeverDad, yes we've been separated 7 months so I could file for divorce in 5 months.  We could create a separation agreement in the meantime that takes care of all of the financial affairs.  I made the right decision of not purchasing our primary residence.  We do own a rental property with both of our names on the title, but the equity is not significant and would be easily addressed.