WHAT does she mean?

[nightmoves]

So, my highly emotional - but difficult communicative BPDwife is getting more and more difficult to understand . So the riddle gets harder to understand.

I have - through this board and much reading - gotten MUCH more able to finally unlock the riddle of a VERY difficult 3 years. Finding out about BPD has been like lightening hitting... .all at once all the riddles I struggled with ... .for so long... .were unlocked.

But let me give you a recent example of what continues to risk my sanity - and leaves me SO fratught with confusion.

We had a really nice lunch the other day out. It was really great. She showed signs of her long ago self. I enjoyed myself - and was lulled into just a nice natural place... .not worrying about eggshells.

On the ride home... .I said... .

"You know - we need to really do this more often. It was really nice."

"We should show each other and us being together more appreciation than we do"

( I was REALLY in a good spot when I said that and was SO appreciating her and us)

Her reaction?

She got upset. Angry.

I was TOTALLY confused.

I kept trying to understand (through the shock) and simply explain myself.

She then was furious that I was "criticising" her. Said that "nothing is ever enough"... .

She would NOT stop seeing what I thought was a POSITIVE and caring statement coming from a great feeling for her and our marriage... .and looking it as  a "negative" (?) statement?

She then said "If I am not enough for you. IF they way I am is not good enough for you. Then you need to let me go"

Whaaaaatt?

So I have read on here often about triggers. Read about how BPD sufferers are HIGHLY attuned to criticism (even where there is none)... .

BUT - I am REALLY still having trouble with reality being SO turned on its ear. STILL upset by being accused... .as meaning or feeling things that are the OPPOSITE of what I feel or say.

In learning about BPD I realize that while the past 3 years (where she has exhibited in that time EXTREME BPD behavior - rages, irrational and unpredictable behavior, excess drinking, perimenapause,  hormonal issues/imbalance, endocrine imbalance, etc.) I have SO OFTEN simply tried desperately to explain her misconceptions. Been floored by her fury at wildly distorted "explanations" for things. Been acceptant of SO MUCH blame that at times was not only not plausible - but incredibly far fetched.

I realized that I needed to stop trying so hard to "get her to see the truth and reality"... .but the episodes were SO filled with emotion, anger, name calling, fury... .that I felt if I could not get her to truly see and understand the TRUTH and reality ... .we (us or marriage) was at risk.

But I STILL get so put upside down by incidents like this recent one at lunch.

Can someone PLEASE try and discet WHAT that incident might mean or what I take away from that? WHAT is a BPD thinking and or feelgin when I said what I said?

WHY would something seemingly SO POSITIVE - wind up making her angry?

Thank you

[stuckgirl]

"You know - we need to really do this more often. It was really nice."

"We should show each other and us being together more appreciation than we do"

i may be very wrong,yet you asked for what anyone thought could have triggered her.well this is what it seems to me

your suggestion to do it more often might have seemed her that you werent happy with her 'when things were within the  normal schedule'

but what i think your wife really might have got upset over was the last thing,she could have easily misinterpreted as you criticizing her that she never showed appreciation to you,that you werent happy with her and her reactions and her amount of appreciation towards you.

you said a very positive thing,but people with this disorder mostly see many comments as negative,or often look for criticism.

if it was me,i'd let this blow over,because explaining,arguing or justifying, DOES NOT HELP,but looks to the person with BPD as 'making excuses' or 'admission of guilt' atleast in my experience.

well hope i helped a bit.

[Mutt]

Can someone PLEASE try and discet WHAT that incident might mean or what I take away from that? WHAT is a BPD thinking and or feelgin when I said what I said?

I'm sorry. It is so confusing with the behaviors  

You can't do anything right irregardless of your good intentions. She gets angry, throws a tantrum, criticizes, dissociates and throws up FOG - emotional blackmail.

You cannot do anything correct in her eyes when you are split black. A pwBPD have difficulties seeing the grey area. It's white or black.  It's a defense mechanism when she is stressed or anxious. It is maladaptive - it is about her. We become a trigger.

[nightmoves]

Thank you.

Your statement:

You can't do anything right irregardless of your good intentions. She gets angry, throws a tantrum, criticizes, dissociates and throws up FOG - emotional blackmail.

I very much FEEL that. In fact... .it seems like the rage, blame,anger. tantrum is a purposed OFFENSE so as to NOT actually DISCUSS anything.

Which ALSO i have trouble interpreting.

IF two people love and want a calm/happy/stable marriage... .would not EACH party want to talk about the issue (s) and get past them?

It is almost like she does NOT want to even address them.

She can RAGE over them... .but does not want to honestly discuss them.

Which make this even MORE confusing!

It is like someone saying... "I HATE you as i am SURE you think ABC!"

I feel completely and genuinly inclined to state and show her I do NOT think ABC.

But it is almost like they do not WANT to be "calmed down" or even WANT to get to reality.

(yo can tell I am WORN out... .)

[Mutt]

It's OK to feel worn out nightmoves   Many members arrive here hurt, confused and emotionally exhausted - including myself. I'm so sorry things got this way.

I spent many years trying to reason logic and my interpretation of reality to my ex. ABC is XYZ to her. Emotions are fact. Not fact followed by emotions. It is a mental illness.

Are you working with a therapist?

[bpbreakout]

We had a similar situation last week over dinner. I was feeling very very warm towards BPDw and she suddenly lashed out verbally at me and walked out of the restaurant.  It is truely horrible feeling one thing and being treated as if you feel the opposite. In our case I think something in the way the conversation was going triggered one of BPDw's very deep seated fears which she had been bottling up and it overwhelmed her in some way. There was nothing I could have done.