Dealing with a young adult daughter with BPD

[ImHisVessel]

I am trying to cope with a daughter who I believe has BPD, she is 23.  I am currently in therapy with my younger daughter for other life issues and after discussing the behavior with the therapist we feel this is what she is living with.  She has not been officially diagnosed but after all of the research I've done, materials I've read, I'm certain that's what she has.  I am a single mom with a VERY limited income and don't know how to get resources to help her.  Has anyone had or know of a family member that has had a Speck Scan and had success with the therapy?  I don't know how to help my daughter, she experience the rage to the point she has had some violence with people.  I have an almost 18 year old daughter as well who is seeing this behavior from her sister and I think feels helpless in the situation.  Can anyone offer advice on resources? It seems the more I learn, the bleaker the long tern prognosis looks with out some sort of help. </3

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[maxen]

hi ImHisVessel and 

you have been placed in a very very hard position. a parent wants to help her child, but as you have discovered BPD can be quite resistant to treatment. it's great, then, that you have found our site. we have an active community of posters, many in just the place you're in, who are ready to listen and to help, and we also have a wealth of resources, including material about treatment programs. welcome again!

when a child suffers from BPD, even an adult child, not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often so are those who loves them. this illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. the good news is that there are approaches to these problems. a great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? please also visit the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board. there are educational materials on the right hand side of that page that may help clarify your thinking.

i'm sorry also for your younger daughter. she must be quite brave to bear up. are there any family you can talk to who know what's up? please keep posting ImHisVessel!

[NorthernGirl]

Hello ImHisVessel and let me join maxen in welcoming you to our site. You've come to the right place given all the challenges you are facing.

You'll find great senior members on the parenting board that maxen suggested. They can also direct you to other resources once you've read the article maxen suggested. You are in a difficult position as a mom, but there is help!

Keep posting so we know how you are doing.

[ImHisVessel]

Thanks for the "Welcome"  I've been watch many of the videos available on your site and reading the blog posts.  I guess at least I am learning through all the information is how I need to react or NOT react to my BPD daughter's behavior.  It's a challenge as I tend to take the things she says and does to me personally and I know I shouldn't now.  It's been a real learning experience, kind of hard to teach this old dog new tricks but I'm trying.  The problem I'm facing is she really hasn't acknowledged that this is what she is experiencing, only that she know there is something going on in her brain and she "thinks" she can fix it.  She is very verbally abusive with her words to me and the language is very difficult to hear when she does communicate with me... .if you could call it that.  She is  very angry person and I never know what is going to trigger her explosive behavior. Truly walking on eggshells.  I know it's one day at a time, and I am a faith based Christian so that is probably the only thing that has gotten me through this.  I appreciate having this resource because most people don't understand the dynamics in the family with a person who has BPD.

[Lucy May]

Dear ImHisVessel,

Reading your story is like looking into a verbal or written mirror... .  Our situation is very much like yours, including ages, daughters (except that my youngest is 16), eggshells, anger, finances, verbal abuse, etc.  My daughter was finally diagnosed at age 20, but refused to acknowledge it until a month ago.  For us, we haven't been successful in finding professional help who really knows much about BPD.  Only recently we seem to have found a team who are willing to work with her and try to find solutions to her constant issues and help  her gain some independence.  I too, have been her punching bag, 24/7.  This is brutal, and is upsetting to her sisters & my parents.  I should have found this site years ago, since most people don't understand BPD at all. 

Good luck & take care!

[jellibeans]

Dear ImHisVessel

I want to welcome you here and tell you this is a great place for support and resources. I think it is great you have already read and watched some of the videos. They are very helpful. I want to recommend a book to you that has helped me a great deal with my dd17. It is called Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr. If you can get it please do. It really is a book I read over and over again.

What is the main issue with your dd? The raging? Anger? My dd17 use to rage pretty badly at times and was even violent towards us. The tools to the right on the side bar are very helpful. I found I really had to change the way I interacted with her. Now that I know how to difuse her things are better. Even if she is out of control I can still keep my emotions in check and I am able to remain calm. That helps when things are just so crazy. The SET and validation articles is where I would start. Setting boundaries is also helpful too.

I am glad you have found us and I know things are probably not good right now but things can and will get better. Tell us a bit more about what is going on in your world. we are here for you.

[mmomm]

Welcome!  It sounds like you are working so hard to help your children to cope and move forward.  Good for you, we all know how difficult this world of BPD can be. I am also a Christian and have younger ones who are confused and upset by their older brother's BPD-related behaviors, so we have that in common. The books and podcasts mentioned here have been soo helpful.  This is a wonderful group of parents who give great support and advice-you're in good company here, welcome!

[mec73]

HI there,

I just found this site as well, however I am dealing with my son also 23 who is going through the same thing. I also have 3 younger siblings at home that are walking on eggshells.

  I have found that it is very exhausting and mentally draining what we are going through.  Our son was diagnosed with this about a year ago while still in the army. We have just started him on meds... and hopefully therapy soon.  I have learned that prayer is what keeps me sane as much as I want to walk away from him. We have many sleepless nights and never know what the day is going to hold for us.  I cry everyday behind closed doors but remain strong for him. I think this site is going to be fantastic for both of us... we can learn together.  Its definately a comfort to know I am not alone out there. 

Hang in there. We can do this.

MEC73

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, ImHisVessal & I'd like to join everyone else in welcoming you to our family 

I am trying to cope with a daughter who I believe has BPD, she is 23.  I am currently in therapy with my younger daughter for other life issues and after discussing the behavior with the therapist we feel this is what she is living with.  She has not been officially diagnosed but after all of the research I've done, materials I've read, I'm certain that's what she has.  I am a single mom with a VERY limited income and don't know how to get resources to help her.  Has anyone had or know of a family member that has had a Speck Scan and had success with the therapy?  I don't know how to help my daughter, she experience the rage to the point she has had some violence with people.  I have an almost 18 year old daughter as well who is seeing this behavior from her sister and I think feels helpless in the situation.  Can anyone offer advice on resources? It seems the more I learn, the bleaker the long tern prognosis looks with out some sort of help. </3

You've been given some good advice already on this thread, and besides all the links to the right-hand side of this page, I would like to suggest you check out NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness, where you can put your location into a search bar and find professionals in your area and other resources available. I don't know what a Speck Scan is, but my own son has been in Neurofeedback Therapy for almost a year and a half, and it has helped him immensely. He has his brain waves scanned every week with this therapy, and he is really benefitting from the sessions he is having... .Is that anything like a "Speck Scan"?

Thanks for the "Welcome"  I've been watch many of the videos available on your site and reading the blog posts.  I guess at least I am learning through all the information is how I need to react or NOT react to my BPD daughter's behavior.  It's a challenge as I tend to take the things she says and does to me personally and I know I shouldn't now.  It's been a real learning experience, kind of hard to teach this old dog new tricks but I'm trying.  The problem I'm facing is she really hasn't acknowledged that this is what she is experiencing, only that she know there is something going on in her brain and she "thinks" she can fix it.  She is very verbally abusive with her words to me and the language is very difficult to hear when she does communicate with me... .if you could call it that.  She is  very angry person and I never know what is going to trigger her explosive behavior. Truly walking on eggshells.  I know it's one day at a time, and I am a faith based Christian so that is probably the only thing that has gotten me through this.  I appreciate having this resource because most people don't understand the dynamics in the family with a person who has BPD.

You are learning fast, ImHisVessal, and you will find that all of your new knowledge is power, and little by little, as your understanding grows, communicating with your daughter will get easier and easier... .I'm so glad you found us!

And, welcome also, to Lucy May, mmomm & mec73... .If you all haven't yet started your own threads on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Board letting us know your own stories, please do    We are all a family here, and like a family we need to sit down with a pot of tea with you, nice and comfy, so we can listen and share what we know and think