Getting over the final knife in the gut

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

New member here, glad to find a community of people who have gone through similar experiences (though I'm sure we all wish we hadn't).  I'll try to keep it brief though likely fail, as we all know what the extreme early highs and devastating long-term lows that characterize an r/s with a BPD; I've also mentioned my story in the in a couple other posts.

Basically, I went NC and maintained it despite her pleas to contact after a month and repeated attempts to reach out to me--I had blocked her on all phone/messaging/social media platforms.  After about five weeks, she writes a long email declaring her love for me, that we had something precious, that she's getting serious help, that she's proud to have had me in her life, that I'm an unforgettable man.  I agree to meet her and talk despite having previously sent an email of my own disengaging from the situation.  Games begin anew on email with the guilt-tripping and saying she's going to vineyard for a weekend and will be too hungover to meet when she gets back.  Meet on Sunday, talk for a while and it's basically just a microcosm of the last several months.  She wants to be with me but has tons of issues, is working on them, etc.  Manipulated to going up to her room to grab an umbrella because it was raining, see evidence of other guy being in the room.  Turns out she had sex with him the night before and day of meeting with me, but it was OK because we were on break (despite me only speaking with her after her long emails declaring her love but more importantly because she said she was getting help).  I challenge her as she said we couldn't be together because she had abandonment issues, she couldn't have sex due to body image issues, etc. When I bring up the sheer disrespect of doing that on the day of, she claims she couldn't remember what day we were going to meet (as if there'd been two days off between it would have made it better).  I'm called meek and naive, and am attacked for making her feel like a monster by not approving of her hurtful and impulsive actions.

I'm disgusted with her, literally feel dirty that she hugged me and was going to play this off as if it didn't matter and also myself for even sitting and talking with her when I'd had her figured out as BPD for a couple months and knew/know she's toxic for me.

Anyways, I'm doing ok getting over it but still quite angry and repulsed.  She's in the same MA program as I am, so I can't totally avoid her though I will do my absolute best; I keep reminding myself that, at least professionally, things for me are really on the up and up.  I've fantasized about revenge (and given the country she's from, as well as stuff she's gotten herself into substance and apparently promiscuity wise) I could do some serious damage but am resolved to being the bigger person as difficult as that is proving to be.  I will say I'm emotionally exhausted and do at times question my capabilities/capacity in a future relationship as she was my first serious r/s and eviscerated each and every aspect of my personality, character, and mannerisms.

I want to know that she feels remorse and shame and self-hate, for my own self-serving reasons.  I guess the only way to get back at a BPD-ex (and I feel bad for wanting revenge, really) is to completely ignore them and show them they have no control/influence over our lives anymore, and feed their abandonment fears.  Any thoughts/advice by those with similar stories, coping mechanisms, how long it took to get over it, etc are much welcomed, and apologies for the length.

[merm49]

New member here, glad to find a community of people who have gone through similar experiences (though I'm sure we all wish we hadn't).  I'll try to keep it brief though likely fail, as we all know what the extreme early highs and devastating long-term lows that characterize an r/s with a BPD; I've also mentioned my story in the in a couple other posts.

Basically, I went NC and maintained it despite her pleas to contact after a month and repeated attempts to reach out to me--I had blocked her on all phone/messaging/social media platforms.  After about five weeks, she writes a long email declaring her love for me, that we had something precious, that she's getting serious help, that she's proud to have had me in her life, that I'm an unforgettable man.  I agree to meet her and talk despite having previously sent an email of my own disengaging from the situation.  Games begin anew on email with the guilt-tripping and saying she's going to vineyard for a weekend and will be too hungover to meet when she gets back.  Meet on Sunday, talk for a while and it's basically just a microcosm of the last several months.  She wants to be with me but has tons of issues, is working on them, etc.  Manipulated to going up to her room to grab an umbrella because it was raining, see evidence of other guy being in the room.  Turns out she had sex with him the night before and day of meeting with me, but it was OK because we were on break (despite me only speaking with her after her long emails declaring her love but more importantly because she said she was getting help).  I challenge her as she said we couldn't be together because she had abandonment issues, she couldn't have sex due to body image issues, etc. When I bring up the sheer disrespect of doing that on the day of, she claims she couldn't remember what day we were going to meet (as if there'd been two days off between it would have made it better).  I'm called meek and naive, and am attacked for making her feel like a monster by not approving of her hurtful and impulsive actions.

I'm disgusted with her, literally feel dirty that she hugged me and was going to play this off as if it didn't matter and also myself for even sitting and talking with her when I'd had her figured out as BPD for a couple months and knew/know she's toxic for me.

Anyways, I'm doing ok getting over it but still quite angry and repulsed.  She's in the same MA program as I am, so I can't totally avoid her though I will do my absolute best; I keep reminding myself that, at least professionally, things for me are really on the up and up.  I've fantasized about revenge (and given the country she's from, as well as stuff she's gotten herself into substance and apparently promiscuity wise) I could do some serious damage but am resolved to being the bigger person as difficult as that is proving to be.  I will say I'm emotionally exhausted and do at times question my capabilities/capacity in a future relationship as she was my first serious r/s and eviscerated each and every aspect of my personality, character, and mannerisms.

I want to know that she feels remorse and shame and self-hate, for my own self-serving reasons.  I guess the only way to get back at a BPD-ex (and I feel bad for wanting revenge, really) is to completely ignore them and show them they have no control/influence over our lives anymore, and feed their abandonment fears.  Any thoughts/advice by those with similar stories, coping mechanisms, how long it took to get over it, etc are much welcomed, and apologies for the length.

[merm49]

One last question: I could finish my MA this semester, which would require a substantial but not undoable amount of work and I am on some low-doseage chemotherapy so have some health concerns at the moment. I motivated both by future job prospects as well as completely divorcing myself from this situation and not prolonging the pain/proximity to her over the next 9 months.  Any thoughts on this matter are welcomed as well.

[woofhound]

Dude... .this is a page out of my book. I've been broken up with my suspected BPDgf for a few weeks. Mine too has drug and promiscuity issues, and I could easily destroy her life. And believe me, after coaxing me into "fully giving myself to her" which was "all she ever really wanted from me" (her words), and then immediately cheating on me while on psychedelic mushroom with two people... .the urge to retaliate is immense. However, I've come to realize that in doing so I am still allowing her power to be at the forefront of my mind. So, even though its difficult to refrain from retaliation, each day gets a bit easier. A mutual friend of mine told me that she hooked up with some guy that's got a fiancé and a baby on the way, and she got found out. It ruined the other people's relationship.

It validated me to hear that she is committing social suicide. Little by little people are beginning to realize that she is using them to fill her needs. Her "friends" just so happen to be people who either give her drugs or she buys drugs for them. She lives in a shallow shell of a life while projecting herself to be a spiritual and beautiful soul. Maybe this isn't spiritually right of me, but I don't want her to be happy. She declared war on my soul just like all BPDs do. What they don't realize is that selfishness will eventually land them in a place without any friends.

She may have put the knife in your gut my friend, but you haven't died. If nothing else you will have learned to beware of red flags. Focus on your career. In doing so you focus on what really matters... .YOU. KICK THE WORLDS A**! Disengage, love yourself, and love others!

[SpringInMyStep]

Oh wow I can totally relate about feelings of revenge. My wife has barely been gone for 3 weeks and I know SO much about her that I could really mess things up and make it difficult for her to get meds, to ever get a job, and I know she'll ruin her own chances of adopting a child as no one will ever let her do that. Seriously, she is deluding herself that she can do this at some point in the future. I have fantasies of emailing her medical doctor and letting him know of her mental health diagnoses and that she's suicidal all the time, urging him to contact her therapist so that they can compare notes. No respectable medical doctor would prescribe xanax and so many sleeping pills if they knew what I know about her. She's been keeping things from him so he'll keep prescribing things.

I could reveal her BPD diagnosis to her mother, whom I'm sure does not know.

But I'm not going to do any of that. I am confident she'll create her own downward spiral all by herself without any help.